I haven't been giving any sort of news lately, or being much on here (or anywhere) at all lately. The short way of writing it is depression - a cyclic and incredibly complex one, or so it seems.
Over the past 10+ years, I've basically gone through a cycle of trying to build some sort of self-confidence and "haven" where I don't get completely destroyed by the rest of the world, only to have whatever I build get destroyed by some people, totally at random, seemingly without sense or reason. Being very idealistic, I tend to interiorize everything, and collapse due to it, only to start over once I can actually find some self-confidence to do so again. In those phases, I tend to have very strong nightmares (usually involving death in some way or another, which freaks me out).
That happened very recently again, three weeks ago. I am learning to pass my full driving license (bike), and I am therefore taking lessons. The "lessons" turned out to be getting yelled at over a radio by an instructor essentially saying how s**t I am at doing this, doing that (non-dangerous stuff: the stuff that I actually came there to learn). After a day and a half, I completely broke down, pretended to call them later to book a third day but never did. I essentially went home on autopilot, went to my room, and pretty much spent the next week in there - I never even touched my motorbike in the two weeks there (I'm always on my motorbike whenever I can, usually. It calms me down). I've been almost unable to sleep for about as long (again, very frequent nightmares. I woke up the entire house yesterday when I was screaming "HELP!" - not that common for a 22year-old person), and recently have been thinking a lot about suicide (I seem to still be rational enough to rule it out, though. Seems to be a passing, but serious thought).
Is there a way to make people notice that I'm not a punching bag? I have little to no self-confidence. I've had a major depression episode this year, two suicide attempts, and a lot of left-over psychological scars I need to deal with. Why do people feel that they can just drag me in the gutter like that, and don't even notice it?
Is there a solution for that?
The compounding problem to all that is that I'm currently near Oxford. I know absolutely no-one in the area. No-one. I left this place 4 years ago. I'd like to get to know a few people around here, but it's like trying to climb a mountain. So, when I fall over due to some kind of event like that, there's no-one to even offer a tiny bit of support.
10 Aug 2011, 6:23 pm
