This is out of control

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Yes.....more about my PTSD issues. Why is it getting worse?......I know what happened and I am over it, I know what happened was not my fault and it's in the past....but this stupid disorder won't go away. I tried remaining optimistic thinking since I was not in the classroom where the incident happened and just experianced the school being put on lock down maybe I had developed a minor case of PTSD but I guess not.

So on saturday my family wants to celebrate my birthday, I decided I would rather participate than have to deal with all the freaking questions my family will ask when I don't show up. The don't freaking understand that what I really want is everyone to just leave me alone for a while....But I really do wish I could enjoy it but I won't and my sister at least will notice and I won't know what to say to her and she will feel bad.

I just wish they could understand this is really interfering with my life....and sometimes I just want to get away from it all. Yes it sucks that I cannot really enjoy myself, it sucks sometimes I have to be away from everyone because I feel like I'll freak out on them there is nothing good about PTSD but how do I make them understand what is going on and that there is nothing they can do to make me feel better. Other than just leave me alone..then again I don't even wan't them to understand what I am going through I would not wish it on anyone.

Also here comes the embarrasing part.....I drink a lot, not just for recreation, but yes sometimes I drink because I don't want to think about it I just want to let go of it all and enjoy myself for a little while. I am not addicted in the sense I feel I need it....and am ignoring possible negative consequences. Its more like the possible negative consequences make it more appealing and I feel better when I drink. I also regularly use cannabis though I don't feel this has a negative impact.....it also helps with the hangovers. But I guess my main concern is everytime someone asks me about my drinking I play it off like I don't really drink much but in reality I tend to have at least some amount of alcohol daily...if I am ok with the amount I drink why am I embarrassed to just be honest about it? that is the part that disturbs me.

I suppose this is sort of a multiple issue post PTSD and the drinking but I feel these two are somehow connected.....anyways it's just really kind of getting to me.

I cannot speak from direct experience in regards to PTSD, but I do know what it feels like to want to be left alone, and people not being able to understand what you are going through. I think sometimes it best just to explain just that to the people in your life. "I can't explain to you what I am going through, but I do know that I just want to be left alone. It isn't personal, but I need the solidarity to heal. All the sympathy in the world doesn't do me any good."

I would recommend that you not use drinking as a vice, but if it's a temporary crutch that you know you can cast away once you dont need it, then by all means, just be careful you dont become dependent. I too use cannabis and find it to be great for anxiety, although, and this is certainly predicated on strain of plant, it can worsen bouts of dsepression. Most people who smoke, myself included, like to believe it helps for everything and dont realize when it's making things worse. Just keep that in mind and use your best judgement.

I certainly hope things work out between you. Time will dull any and all wounds if you've got the right mindset and the strength to endure the terrible.

I know drinking is not the best vice...but I don't plan to stop anytime soon.... I am just not sure what to do when most people do not feel how I do most of the time. Every day I feel like I lose more of my mind..........I am not sure what the hell I will do with myself longterm....I feel like I might as well die of a disease or a severe mentall illness that drives me t suicide. I mean I am 22 tomorrow and I already feel burnt out so what is there? College a job, things thtat will burn me out more? I should be dead because at least people would never have to see their illusion disproven.

I had real bad anxiety through my 20's. I think you're coming to learn this well though - the human body does not react rationally or to our convenience.

What I think PTSD is, its really damage. People around you then see that weakness and push it further in little ways. My best advice - start by cutting out all caffein, all nicotine. No stimulants. Right now your brain is still amped, that won't change on its own for a long time. Also make sure you're sleeping well - seven to eight hours a night if possible and, if you have insomnia, melatonin would be my first recommendation (I'm taking that along with Lypotrophin PM to aid my REM). Another suggestion - work out, additionally if you have any concern over self-defense issues perhaps work that in as well

The point though - mind over matter, especially in this sort of case, is complete BS. It took years for your body to get like this, it happened in steps, and in reality it will take many steps to ramp it back down. None of this will necessarily cure depression per say but, you'll generally feel a lot more stable and a lot more effective if and when you can get your body and mind to stop doing this to you.

What it was for me, I had years of feeling so tense that it was like someone had just tazed the heck out of me, it was like having engine soot floating in my veins, nasty business. That and - obviously - I looked like I was the most shook scared nimb alive, so, inherently, I had involuntary mutism occasionally, I was absolutely sweating bullets in public, people often enough treated me with a lot less respect - they saw weakness and took me on it. It is a grave issue, it does heavily effect how society will treat you, so definietly take it seriously - no stimulants, work on the sleep, and anything you can think of to throw at it - throw it in. As far as medications I'm hesitent, if you have a history of side effects worse then benefits I'd say no. What could possibly help is something mood neutral, I did like neurontin on some situations where my nervous system was feeling even more peaked than usual. Overall though - diet, sleep, and excercise is a safer way about it. Alcohol is okay, just watch how much of it you're doing because, if you drink more than a few a day you're hitting your liver and, that'll be one more thing weighing on your adrenal glands.

I'm sorry about the PTSD it sounds like a horrible thing to deal with.

Why do you want to be left alone on your birthday? I know why I would.. 95% of my family I don't get along with, but it seems like you do okay with yours.

I hear what you're saying and I've been there - had plenty of times where I felt like I needed my vices to stay sane. The weird thing I noticed though as I started peeling myself back from it, it seems like the body likes to compensate everything. For instance I had times at work where I was absolutely dragged through the ringer just trying to handle the load, went home and had a 6 pack of Mikes, went back to work the next day felt like crap again - not hung over just ran way over my endurance limit, had another 6 pack of Mikes - again it felt therapeutic. I found out though, if I just didn't drink like that to begin with, I wouldn't feel quite as crappy in general when I was sober. With the caffiene I felt like I needed it to stay awake and focused after a while but it was really turning into the opposite, I was focusing significantly worse inbetween and focusing okay with it - pulling it out completely bettered my focus all across the board.

I'm not saying your at that point, truthfully I have no idea, I think we all do battle with our own bodies trying to pull every last bit of performance that we can out as we simultaneously try to deal with the weight of general stress as well as emotional distress. As well I had to hit a certain threshold where enough was enough and where I was sweating so bad with one cup of coffee that I couldn't so much as touch a piece of paper without soaking it. I don't necessarily think it'll be your choice when or if the time arises where its economically worth it for you at a given moment to throw these things overboard, really I'm just trying to round out your awareness on the issue and if I've given you any things to think over or working models of what can happen or how you can combat PTSD a bit - then I feel like I've done my job.