More redunant thoughts on present matters.

Post Reply New Topic

You don't have to read it if you don't want to...but as usual I have no one to talk to and need to vent a little bit or maybe a lot.

So I have kind of figured some things out, I do not particularly like the conclusion but there are some things I like about it I suppose. At a young age I was put in the deviant role...I don't know if that is the path I would have chosen, and for a lot of my childhood as badly as I was treated at school even by teachers I still tried to follow the rules and sometimes even suggested others do the same. But that only further alienated me from everyone...because no one including myself likes someone to assert themselves as the rule enforcer. So as I got older and more prone to angry feelings and lonliness I started questioning things I realised it was not about following the rules...it was about appearing to follow the rules, appearing to be normal ect. So even one labeled as 'different or deviant.' who does not break the rules is still treated as if they are causing problems.

When I was 15 I attempted suicide(looking back I cannot say what specifically drove me to want to end my life)...then I had a girl try to set me up by writing a threat on the wall about murdering people on a specific date I saw her do it and she was my best friend or so I thought so I did not want to turn her in. But after a while she started making comments in front of others indicating I was the one people should suspect...so it become obvious I had to turn her in or I was going to get charged with it. So that is what I did.....only to be psychologically tormented by the cops the confiscated some journals of mine which my counseler at the time had told me to keep so I could get my negative feelings out and they read through it all, asked me questions and I litterally had to straight up say "Look, I have no desire to cause any harm to anyone." So again I try to do the right thing.......and boom because of how I am percieved by society they are suspicious.

And not sure how many of you are familier with alcoholism and how familes with alcoholic members operate...but that is the story of my home life. I don't want to go into all the details...but my dad was and is an alcoholic but he was still out working trying very hard to support me and my siblings and my mom but of course she had to find work as what he was making did not always cut it. My parents argued all the time, most nights I would go to sleep hearing them yelling in the other room. That was no time to bother them with my problems...and the occasions where the got along nicely where no time for that either lest a conflict started over me having problems. It was all about supressing how you feel and putting on a blissful mask when going to family gatherings or having guests over.

It was all quite painful...what went on in my life and how I felt......my parents got divorced in the aftermath of a lock down at my school that took place because a guy with a gun(not a student) came in the school and eventually shot a student and well it was a bit of a mess and it was not good for anyones mental health. I have already explained more than once what has gone on with me for the past few years so I won't repeat it all here. But this childhood stuff...combined with everything I have experianced so far in my adult life Is a lot of stuff to try and deal with. I just feel like I was forced into the deviant role, because I was different and society needed someone to use as a scapegoat regardless of my personal choice or wants.......and then I was still supposed to learn all those skills of life, learn how to function well at a job and stuff like that just like everyone else and that first year I went away to college I thought I could do it...I thought I could handle it.

I guess the main thing I am experincing now is an internal conflict...part of me wants to find healthy ways to deal with all that and really try to give sucess and being a functional member of society a go which usually goes something like this: "What will your family think, isen't it easier just to deviate in secret and put that mask on around them? it's not what you want but don't be selfish you don't want to let them down do you?" . But then part of me the part I am much more in tune with says 'f*ck it! why should you bother.... Your family does not understand you or really know you. They let you down so why should you feel bad if you let them down? the rest of society did not want you in it, don't live by their standards...don't be a afraid of what will happen to you because you know deep down in side you would rather face the consequences than supress all this and conform." But I am stuck between the two

Its just all rather confusing for me....and I feel like if I don't get some control over this raging battle in my mind I am likely to lose my mind. I like college but I don't like college, I have no sense of a career path I would like to follow or any goals related to that...not saying I want such goals but it is probably worth mentioning I do not have any. I want my whole family to see me for who I am and tell me how angry, dissapointed and sad it makes them feel, but I don't dare let everything out of the dark because I fear the day that happens. I want to just give in tell a psychiatrist I need help and to prescribe me something to make it go away...but at the same time I fear they will take much more than the pain away and I have enough trouble as it is understanding who I really am I don't need them to experiment with psych meds on me. and sometimes I really want to do this and sometimes I would rather


And maybe this is normal under my amount of stress ...but should I have to turn my headphones up too loud to cover up undesirable thoughts I have running through my mind? sitting there minding my own buisness...and along comes an assult of things people have said and maybe even things people did not say......but one that likes to repeat itself thanks to a girl who just had to say the wrong thing during a lock down. Anyways how would you feel if your waiting for the bus, shopping for CD's and you have the phrase 'I'm suprised your not the psychopath with the gun.' repeating over and over in your mind?

It's not really the same thing, but I was a bit of the "psycho with a knife" in high school and early college. It's weird what I could get away with in the early 80's. I openly carried a folding buck knife everyday to school and yet the teachers either didn't care or didn't notice. Of course this was all before people started killing their class mates on a regular basis.

I guess I took up a role of outcast and potential threat because it was a way of pushing people away. I don't know at anyone took me seriously. I don't know if anybody really even noticed.

At any rate, I've learned to take comfort in the idea that nothing much really matters. We all live and die and are forgotten shortly there after. The only important things in life are the things we choose to make important. There are plenty of people who will tell you that you have to be one thing or another, but what significance is their opinion if they don't know what is important to you?

You write well and it sounds like you have a good balanced idea of the problems you have dealt with. If you worry that others may have thought you could have been the psycho with the gun... Well, maybe they did or still do. It tells you more about them than it does about you.

Probably an effect of depression, if you have an inkling to try something different I say just try it. I don't see it doing much harm in trying to be honest.

I mean I think you should be who you are, I don't necessarily understand why that would upset your family tho. We don't have to understand or get along with family all the time to love them, as long as there is a mutual respect and acceptance. (Or so I think.. I don't get along with most of mine, but I guess it applies to the ones I actually do respect)

You're making progress, change is bound to occur. I mean if you can't figure out what makes you happy, maybe finding a way to distance yourself more from some of the things that depress you is a start.

Maybe build on your interpersonal relationships, or if you move out (I believe you said you thought about moving in with a family member) maybe just embrace that relationship with them and try not to second guess. There's a worth to yourself and still things you have potential to yet achieve, whether it includes the current "system" of society or not.

I can relate to feeling detached from those around. I also feel like I don't belong in this society. There is really not many places for someone like me. I'm considering transitioning to male in the near future, and *hoping* I will be able to assimilate better, when needed. I don't desire to become part of society, as frankly it disgusts me.