I feel scary right now....

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....I feel so f*****g alone its unbelievable. I have 1 friend right now, and I don't consider him to be a good friend. I just feel so alone and it feels like I am regressing......these past few years..............It feels scary......this feeling in my gut my stomach I can feel it.

How do I go from zero to something? How do I go from no friends to having friends?

Where can I go right now to be with people I don't know? Isn't that something for people who are have the skills at meeting people? i.e. bars, coffee shops, dances.

My speech is slowing down and becoming more monotone, and I am stuttering more than I ever used to. and I feel like there isn't an ounce of fake-ness in me anymore. I can still lie badly, whenever i speak, I can't help give away my loneliness, my neediness, it just comes out in my posture.

I just didn't know when I was in HS.........I was a loner......I just didn't know.......I didn't know this would come back to haunt me like this, but its here full-force, it has been creeping up on me for the past few years.

I have never had a gf, although I admit I have been scared of girls whenever someone showed interest in me. I wish so much that I would have just gone with the flow, instead of resisting it.

There is a school dance going on right now, and I am not even in school I feel stupid as s**t. My cognitive capacity seems to be declining, and I am frequently misspelling words. I don't feel comfortable at dances or anywhere where there are alot of people. I wish so much that I wasn't like that, that this wasn't my life I wish so much this wasn't my life.............

For other students 5 and 6 years younger than me at that dance, it isnt a big deal. I have really never been to a dance before, besides prom, and I was talked into going and set-up by some other "friend" and that was a sh***y night. I might as well be 12. f**k.

I can't explain how I am feeling right now, but it is scary................I don't know what manic depressive means, but I think I do feel a bit manic.

I just can't escape this feeling.....everybody everybody is so much more mature than I am, and I am so left out of everything. How is this my life?

When is this HELL going to end? How do I end this. I am trying to read up on self-help mainly dating guides and such, but my life right now is just nothing.......nothing........man it f*****g sucks so bad I just can't believe this is my life. If I had any clue this is what I was going to be like when I was younger....... These are the darkest years of my life.

There isn't anybody in real life who i feel actually "feels" what I say and can capture my pain.

Talking to my parents doesn't do anything.....its clear that they just can't even begin to understand. Not even in the same universe, and it just leaves me feeling exposed.

what I am trying to say is, I am aware the way I look, the way I speak, and my aura comes across as "very off and damaged". The result is stay away.

Wtf is my purpose in life? Why have I still not found my place my area where I am comfortable at? Why do I have NO POLARITY right now.....IN ANY WAY......

scary as f**k.......

Hm. Well, the upside to hitting rock bottom is that it sometimes creates a will to change things.

If you're depressed and feeling out of sorts I'd focus less on dating and more on socializing in general. With women too if possible. Any sort of positive reinforcement can boost your mood. Once you start getting back on level ground, you can think about bolder efforts to improve your situation.

And I was never effective in very loud places, especially dancing. You'll need to find places where you are comfortable enough to work your social muscles. That's down to trial and error.

Once upon a time I was just as lonely as you. I didn't even go to prom.

The internet really is awesome. I wouldn't have thought anyone was going through the same experience and emotions. I see friends and acquaintances from high school on facebook and they are graduating college, starting careers, and some are getting married. I'm struggling to get through community college and have no truly close friends since I moved away.. and making new friends suddenly became much harder to do. All the while in the last few years I've become more anti-social and anxious. I feel mentally slower and don't have the energy to force myself to speak outside of monotone for very long.

I'm sorry that you are having a rough time, especially if its close to what I think you're going through. I do have some encouragement though. I heard someone mention that our social skills are like a muscle, if we exercise them, they become stronger and more efficient, but if we don't.. they gets weaker..etc.

From grade school up through high school we were surrounded by people and having social interactions all through the day. But now since we are done with school we aren't surrounded by hundreds of people our own age for several hours a day. Our social skills aren't as trained, and we don't have as many immediate opportunities for casual conversation with non-family members. Life isn't as structured and organized outside of school also. Knowing the reason for the problem is half the battle, it helps with the anxiety and fear of the situation. I believe this means we are just out of practice and not on the downward spiral of doom that it feels like hah.

It's discouraging because in high school I felt somewhat confident and had a good group of friends. I used to have a quick wit and made a lot of on the spot funny jokes. Now life seems to be flying by me while I'm standing still. It's getting harder to cope and I sit home alone on my computer on the weekend because being in social situations has become too exhausting and uncomfortable. I don't recognize who I am anymore. It feels like this thing just creeped up on me, and now it's this full blown thing. My self-worth is way low and my fear about what my life will be like as I get older is unbearable and soul-crushingly depressing.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread talking about my own problems. I just hope you can relate to what I'm saying because it's comforting to know you aren't alone. I'm becoming more hopeful actually. If you and I are going through very similar experiences, then there are many more people around the world who also are dealing with this sh** We don't have to feel isolated and alone, and we don't have to internalize this.

(My parents also struggle with understanding. My mom is in denial and just smiles and abruptly changes the conversation, and I'm not good at explaining how I feel or what I'm going through to them)

In a similar boat, not with women but with socializing.

I also feel even the few skills I once took pride in are declining the more my fear gets to me.

I will say with women, your best bet is to just practice socializing in general. Also.. please, lower your standards, not when it comes to love but just when it comes to approaching people in general. It will help broaden your horizons.

The people who you consider not so attractive have things that they're ashamed and struggling with just as you do now, albeit they may have different problems.

Socializing on a broader level will give you a much clearer view of what you want.

You're still young--your day is JUST beginning, you have so much potential in yourself. You missed bragging rights and a bad highschool break up by not dating early. Maybe now you can actually have something mature and worthwhile.

Wow, I have to say, I REALLY related to your first post, the way you describe your feelings of disbelief in the way things are getting worse. I had begun regressing as well, about a few years ago, due to isolating myself for long periods of time. Say, for months at a time. I lost most of my social skills that way and became very depressed as a result of it. I've made out of that period of my life much stronger, let me say, and I feel like I am re-discovering how to socialize. Having a sense of humor has helped me to not get too down about re-entering the social realms. I know it's terribly discouraging, the changes that seem so negative but you must never give up on yourself. My suggestion is to set realistic goals for yourself, start small in your socializing, and work your way up. I understand how bad it feels to have no close friends, I currently also don't have close friends, and it does get lonely. But the socializing gets easier and with focused effort, you will make friendships. Solid friendships. There are people out there who do appreciate the genuineness of people without "an ounce of fake-ness" in them. Just don't give up on finding them.