Nowhere to belong

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I feel depressed, lonely, empty, and suicidal thoughts are creeping up. I don't want to die, but I can't hold on much longer with this current life. Basically, I feel out of place everywhere. I am blind, but the blind community caterrs only to the "independent" blind. Same for the Aspie community. The Dutch organization are happy to have get-togethers, but if you are not travel savvy you cannot get there, and they constantly tlk of how Aspies can go to college, live on their own, blah blah, all of which I tried and failed at. Besides, on the fourms (including WP, I posted a very unpopular thread about this a few months ago) it is constantly touted how we're not disabled and can do oh so much if just being accepted. I am not meaning this to bash WP or any of its members. Sorry if it comes acorss that way. I wish I tooo, in fact, were accepted as I am. I have DID/MPD, but on the Dutch DID forums, they won't believe me because I'm too intelligent and Aspie (they say autism and DID can't co-occur).

I don't work, so have no way to make friends there. In fact, I'm in a psych institution. Some fellow clients hate me and the others are too busy minding their own businesses (and I can't fault them). I do want to make friends, but I don't know how.

And of course I have to own my feelings, the loneliness, the emptiness. It's no-one's fault for "making" me feel this way. I also have a hard time trusting people, and think everyone hates me or the like - maybe this is a delusion-like phenomenon. I wan tot change th tthinking tht goes behind this attitude, and be mor epositive, but I don't know how to.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, and feeling so down.

Having multiple conditions compounds the situation, and makes it that much harder than just having one problem to deal with. And it's even worse when you don't fit into a nice, neat, obvious label, and experts don't even know how to correctly diagnose or treat you.

And then when other people judge you, and think you're doing a poor job of handling your set of problems (which THEY don't have!) - yeah, that is really frustrating. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all that.

I'm glad you're here though - I'm new here and really appreciate knowing I'm not the only one facing difficult challenges in life! *hugs*

@Kyra71: thanks for your supportive thoughts. The thing is, I do want to do a lot, I do have the will and the intellectual capacity, and in a few ways, I'm relativley good, but these don't get me connected to other people. Someone I was chatting with (not on WP) suggested all kinds of things, like get a hobby, make friends at work, etc., and I was like "whatever". Anyway, thanks for supporting me.

Wait a minute, if you are blind, how are you responding here?

Unless you mean in a figurative term.

I am sorry to hear about that, but please carry on in life as something will make you happy someday...and probably soon.

Hi ChanglingGirl! I know there is a lot you can't do while institutionalized, but there are some things you can do to help improve your situation.

You can exercise. While walking or running is not easy for blind people to do, there are exercises that can be done in place, like sit-ups, knee bends, jumping jacks, etc. One of the staffers at your place can help you set up an exercise regimen. This can help your mood, as it causes your body to make endorphins, which boost the mood.

You can also listen to audio books, or, if you know braille, you can read braille books.

There are also some hobbies that don't require vision. You could take up knitting, or working with clay. Or try some other hobby.

Why not start a blog site about something of interest to you?

Don't keep digging yourself into a depression hole. Those are hard to climb out of. You need to find ways to distract and occupy yourself.

No, I don't mean it figuratively. I use daptive tech to access the computer.

@Questor: thanks fo ryour suggestions. I do many of these things already though. And also, these things are solitary, which causes me to feel more lonely. I will try to see what I can do though.

Cool that you have the technology to browse the internet. I have / had exhausted eyes meaning I can only use them for reading for a limited time, spending many evenings in the dark to let them rest. Would have helped me to back then (or prevented this from happening in the first place).

Ik spreek trouwens ook Nederlands. Als ik ergens mee kan helpen...

What I would like to say is rethink the idea that you have to be similar to other people to fit in. You seem to be unhappy because you cannot find other people like you, and feel like you don't belong in 'mixed' environments of people who are more independent? But I don't think people are supposed to always find their equals. If men only interacted with men we would last one generation. Or I'm wrong in thinking that you think this, of course.

Also, please don't think other people hate you. That's a major flaw in your thinking. You can't know that, and hate is a strong emotion to be random. Nothing in what you say or are would arouse hate in me.
I think many aspects of your isolation or exclusion are structural, such as the visual normative society, the 'social shark' aspect of society, etc. So don't take that personal.

And please stay with us on earth, we need strong people like you coping with real difficulties to inspire the rest of us.

You're right there. However, as you can know if you've eve rinteracted with NTs, it's hard to interact with people who ar enot similar to you. And it does require some common ground to be able to interact.



Okay. My staff do say it's my interpretation that people hate me, not anyone actually doing so. But I find it really hard not to think this way. Maybe it's my black-and-white thinking that if people won't interact with me, they must hate me.



That doesn't make it any easier. In most communities, people who don't fit in the with the structure society has been set up, are told they must assimilate. It's exxtremely prevalent in the blind community and also to some extent in the Aspie community.



The thing is, I don't want to be an inspiration, I just want to be me.

Psychologically hate is caused by both anger and fear (not anger alone), mostly resulting after a loss.
So people would have to feel both annoyed and scared/hurt that you will...make them lose something. If you don't harm or threathen others hate won't occur. And you don't seem threatening. Unless they are brainwashed into hating like with genocides, but thats a different topic. But you said you want to change your thinking. Apart from others testifying that they don't hate you, now you know it doesn't make logical sense.

You say the aspie community is focused on assimilation. That's interesting to me. Assimilate into what? What norms & values, etc?