Giving up (long childish rant)

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Got switched to klonopin it helps a lot to calm me down and I don't get voices/visuals anymore but i get moredepressed now...
Like rational, clear minded, review of my life...
Uni is scamming me..
It's my parents money but I'm sick of leeching off them and wanna get a job to live closer to my friends
Cause I realized living in this house rots my brain out and just make me more depressed..
But the art gives me a feeling of purpose but i realize its killing me and i dont wanna leave my friends at uni

Is it so bad to be in a phase.. where you blame your parents.. for not helping you at all with your autism.. and just calling you ret*d/special, treating you like a baby. doing all your baby chores...
Why don't they see it's killing me
Why don't they see they're crippling their children
My brother doesn't even have autism and hes crippled and f****d up cause all the druggs they pumped in him as a child and no help
Why no help because of isolated suburbia and inconsistent parents breeds the sickness
And the stigma of autism some of my family wont even hug me because they assume i dont want to..
Parents..
Making them fragile and weak and unable to deal with the real world
Then when reality hits I use delusions and denial to deal with it, like they do..
They eat away their sadness and lonely life in this empty neighborhood and get fat
and i live in a teenage life being attracted to lots of men and used by men
daddy figures insome hope theyd teach me how to live un like my parents
and unable to get a job but finally registered with the uni autism office
and applying for jobs like crazy saying im eligible for vocational rehab
Shoud just quit uni and finally get a FT job with voc rehab cant take it any more jesus christ
the problem with working AND school same time is the stress make me hallucinate and smoke a lot

Anyways, rambling..
I don't want to live like my family
where they deny reality
and sit at home and rot
i cry every day
that im so crippled and if it werent for my friends i would of offed my self i got enuf benzos and drugs to die 10x
but since i have hope in my friends i wanna keep on going

i hope any one else feels crippled by their autism or their degrading family knows theres a way out
theres a way out of the fatigue and mental illness, theres a way to get by without being crippled
and empower your self in a job you can do and sustain your own god damn life at least

anyways
should stop worrying cause im getting their trust fund when they die anyways... god thats so evil of me... im sorry... i love them but theyre killing me,, and my brother,, and they are BLIND TO IT

im 22 this time of my life is my own.. not theirs... im sick of it so sick of it... the blame is NOT on ME ANYMORE... im tired of being BLAMED for societys sickness

thank you.. for letting me vent.... again... lol

Hey arch, I know this was a rant so maybe you don't want feedback but I get it. They (parents/teachers/NT friends) want to help but they just make you feel ret*d.

You are okay or you would have offed yourself with the benzos already.

Also, I am happy you can rant at us. It's a really good sign. I have ten years on you and I can hardly muster the courage to post a benign question on this forum so the fact that you can dump your guts is awesome! That simple act on your part gives me hope for this world's future. Keep it up.

Eh, you're just blaming other people for what you think you can't handle.
Not smart at all. You'll probably spend years thinking that its everyone else's fault when its really yours. Yes, its hard to realize, but when you do you'll be able to see that you can work around your problems instead of wallowing in your misery.

I feel the same the way. I don't want to live with my family they often don't understand my feelings at all and it's killing me. I feel horrible having to rely on other people for anything. They complain about helping me do things I struggle with but they can't see the pain it causes me to be struggling and needing help. I think about offing myself a lot too, and people don't understand why and it upsets them and I get treated even worse. There are people the same age going through exactly what your going through right now. So it's not childish and the world really is disgustingly unfair.

I've been becoming really numb if not numb than angry. It's like being trapped inside a cage and your expected to live forever inside it while knowing there's a huge beautiful world outside. That world could be anything it could be a talent that leads to a career you enjoy. The way that society is set up right now more people like us are going to become trapped, because we weren't given the help, time, or compassion from others that was needed for us to develop properly. I've tried learning to be emotionally strong through dating, but found men are not the place to obtain the kind of help your looking for.

Real friends are far better. I've gotten to the point where men have become meaningless objects to me. Only serving one purpose because that's how they treated me that's how I feel around them even though I know it's wrong to treat another human being that way. Don't let them use you, and don't become emotionally attached to them it hurts and becomes pointless. Find someone who admires you not your body and don't give them your respect until they've earned it by showing you the kind of respect that makes you happy all the time.

Your not wasting your time rambling it's for other people to know that you and others are struggling, even if they aren't themselves they can acknowledge it's happening and maybe they will want more positive change so that they know people like us will no longer have to go through what we do everyday. My only hope is that people band together and push for more positive change so that a future to look forward to can be born instead of this world some of us wish were doomed.

Sounds like you're projecting your own situation onto the OP's, because they already know you can work around your problems, it says so right there near the bottom of the post, if you happened to read it.

Strangely enough, not everyone who has problems is personally to blame for them. It may come as a shock, but just because you once blamed others for things that you eventually realised were your own fault, it doesn't mean that other people are never to blame for anyone else's problems.

Thankyou for the feedback... I do agree to an extent about not helping my self but the problem with blaming your self all the time is it breeds depression and does nothing... When I get *angry* at other people over things like this, I get the motivation to fight for my self, and to not be depressed, and not give up...

Resistance to the hand that feeds is a good motivator to get the f**k out of here. My mother is always DIScouraging me from getting a job "no ones hiring" "temp agencies only hire full time" "voc rehab only hires full time" "school and work will stress you out too much"... bull.s**t!! ! She is so warped from being unemployed BY CHOICE that she doesnt even know whats really going on anymore

Why I said I never got autism help? Because when I was a child they labelled me, put me on prozac at age 11, made me clinically depressed for life as a result,, and *GAVE.UP.* when i was "too quiet" in AUTISM ''therapy''.
I was ""TOO.QUIET"" for their 'HELP' ?
If you had a child with autism at the rate i was degrading ((hyper.sensitivity, rambling to myself non-stop, unable to tie my shoes at age 11, very poor motor coordination, selective mutism, ETC)) you would STRIVE to get your child help... not drug them up
not GIVE UP on your child
and therefore your CHILD giving up on life. all the time
..


I guess the problem is I'm failing in my classes right now and i told the instructor... im having problems following.. i cant get the work done.. i cant get focused...
..
This is why I am so angry at my self and my life and my family right now because I am not overcoming this 'issue' and feel like a disappointment to my peers/role model who are on the spectrum..

But I have some aspiration... I wanna get that painting BFA... I wanna write poems.. I wanna write & illustrate a childrens book.. I want to work in the art field.. like teaching kids or art therapy...
I wanna help people... with dev and neuro disorders...
My friends are my lifeline from becoming frozen like a mummy...

I suppose since autistic people are 'delayed' being super f*****g angry at some people is that phase I've been in.... It's realizing that the world is a sick place and not even spiritual experiences can save us from evil... Which is why I'm here painting... It's a strong spiritual pull... Not delusional but I tend to have some kind of shaman type impact on people...
It's why I didn't quit art school
and get some boring job as a water meter tester

however my ultimate dream is to some day get a CDL lisence and drive a truck cross.country. they told me cause my mental illness diagnoses i cant do it but they're wrong.

thanks im done rambling again
i should put this in a memoir... put it in a book... im out of ideas my mind is empty
i realize to other people rambling is pretty annoying. im glad other autistics can understand
:p

it's annoying to find an equilibrium without drugs. im hypo.manic as f**k. need a better drug
..
Again... I've seen how dedicated special needs parents are at the place I volunteered for awhile. these people went every week, to get their children to ride horses, despite their disabilities... autism.. psychological.. etc... they dont just GIVE UP

why are some parents GIVING UP on their child like this... it makes me really sad..

/*end rant again*

Beat me to it.

So you're saying that instead of helping you achieve your goals, your folks are treating you like a baby and holding you back from your dreams? Unfortunately, that seems to be the case with many people your age. My generation, the Xers, had to learn how to do things on our own, but your generation the Millenials have had Superparent doing everything for them, many twentysomethings can't apply for a job without mommy doing it for them, and even worse they have no desire to learn, they just want to live in their old bedroom forever and party.

I feel sad when I see AS people in their 40s who have no life skills, cause their parents never taught them, and then mom and dad are dead and the kid lives on the streets. You should be happy that you have the will to be independent, many kids your age don't even have that.

My mom wants me to go to the Deseret (Mormon Church) job placement agency and ask them for help, but they'll just try to force their stupid cult on me, and I already resigned once from it. (Mom is a Mormon herself.) I have started my own computer repair business, and I'm even in the phone book, which is something my mom disparaged saying it was pointless. I am already getting calls, so yay me.

Unless you have cognitive problems preventing you from driving, you can be a long haul trucker. In fact, trucking firms LOVE LOVE applicants with no criminal record, since they're easy to get past Homeland Security checks and transport restricted materials. Most truckers are ex-felons, or people escaping a situation. If you can drive, and get past the DHS checks, you will be golden to a trucking firm.

maybe some of us here do have cognitive problems that interfere with our ability to function..

I relate to some of that OP. I was never officially diagnosed with AS but my mom suspected me of being autistic since I was a toddler but GP laughed & said "Nick's just being Nick" so I never had any help for my autism but I also had physical disabilities that the docs were not aware of & my parents did not understand. My dad has Obsessive Compulsive Personality & my mom's a perfectionist. I had lots of problems doing things the way they wanted me to do them party because of my issues that they weren't aware of & the way they were trying to teach me was not working for me. I never understood the logic of me doing something if they were going to come behind me & redo it & I rather not waste my time so I just kind of let/forced my parents to keep doing things for me instead of trying to do things myself. I'm very dependent as a result. I really do WANT to learn to be more independent but that will not happen here because of our relationship history. Trying to learn from them causes us to fight & I end up having a meltdown so it's aLOT easier & better for our relationship if I keep having them do things for me instead of me trying to learn from them. I could could learn a lot better if I was in a different environment but I'm too dependent to be on my own so it's kind of a catch22. I'm hoping I can find a girlfriend/partner who I could move in with. I function a lot better when I'm in a relationship & being in a relationship helps me be more independent & be more open to learning & trying on my own because I'm not as afraid sense I have a rock to turn to for support if I screw-up. I'm extremely supportive of my partner & have a high desire to take care of her so I think finding a girlfriend would be the best way for me to gain my independence.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THIS IS WHAT i need to hear

it is my dream to be a trucker
i am tired of living in this ball-and-chain situation with my parents

i will find a manufacturing type job or something where i can at least move trucks like at home depot

i am also wishing to find a man to help me with life, learn things
not just some user
a man who cares, has a heart, a man who can teach me things i was never taught

shifting between suicide thoughts and hope for future and not just decay in my room
i want to know life
i want to know love
i want to live my dreams

yes to nick007 it is good to have people who want to see you grow and not hold you back... i have made some good friends who want to see me grow and move on and learn how to deal with REAL life not live in a suburban bubble and rot away.

Some parents do not know how to parent of my parents generation... They have ruined a generation by thinking kids can't take criticism or chores.
This breeds mental illness, autism, anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, etc... Guaranteed... Parents pick your poison....
When my dad sees a kid doing chores he says 'poor kid'.. wtf? The kids is learning LIFE SKILLS and getting exercise

and pezar yes this is what i fear. becoming homeless because of this. when i see my self degrading sometimes, i wonder if i will ever make it, and end up on the streets. my parents are so old they could die tomorrow, then what could i do. neither of us knows how to manage money, or even our lives.
....


thank you for feedback everyone

Or find a guy who cares, has a heart, tries to be very emotionally supportive, & is willing to try to learn to be more independent with you like me. I am very willing to relocate & I would kind of prefer a woman who's not super independent; my 2nd girlfriend was & our relationship wasn't equal partly because of that. Figured I'd toss it out there just incase any women reading might actually be interested

I don't really have any offline friends rite now. I had a couple when I was working but we kind of lost touch. I'm thinking about trying to volunteer somewhere sense I'm not having much luck with the job search. It'll be good to get out the house some & be around people; maybe I could make some more friends, meet a woman or get some kind of job lead that way. I will suggest volunteering for you as well. My parents really do WANT me to be independent but their approach isn't working for me. My mom complains a lot about me being dependent& she jokes that she will have to have me euthanized after she dies because I'm sooo helpless & cant do anything it's not good for my self-esteem. My parents bought a house a couple years ago that needs fixing up that they plan to move me into; my dad works in construction(he's a carpenter). My dad only fixed one room up so for & let my aunt move in there because she had moved back in with my grandparents & none of them were happy about it(long story). I don't want to live alone & I would rather die than live with my aunt. If I had a girlfriend who wanted to move in with me & needed a place to stay; my dad would have a reason to get that house finished sooner & we'd have a reason to kick my aunt out

I know that many autistics do. However, there are WP members who drive, so it is possible. I drive. I have driven long distances (500 miles/day). It is possible, and OP did not indicate whether she (presumably a she) has cognitive issues, therefore I presume she can learn to drive.

I know how to drive but I would be prone to anxiety attacks while driving which I would prefer not to risk, but I guess not everyone has that issue.

That seems to be common, that parents from the "Me Generation" (1970s-mid 80s) think that kids should be coddled. In the 1990s it became fashionable to think that kids were delicate flowers who would wilt if you criticized or corrected them. So we have a generation that was never told no. Bicyclists in San Francisco nowadays blast through red lights while listening to ipods, they weave in and out of cars and jump sidewalks, and when one gets splattered they're inevitably in their 20s, and when I lived there in the mid 90s we didn't have young kids turning left in front of big trucks illegally (in one notable case, she wound up dead) but they do now.

Your generation was never taught they couldn't do something, so they think they're invincible, and kids have always had bad judgment but youth now really think they can do anything, but the laws of physics say no you can't, who's gonna win? Kids bring Mom to the job interview, and the employers have to swallow and accept it because the next 30 applicants all have their moms with them too. Junior gets a bad performance interview, mom's on the horn chewing out the boss. What will these kids do when mom and dad are gone? Kids today are weak, and autistic kids even more so, because they were never taught basic life skills. I mean, balancing a checkbook, looking for a job, setting priorities, driving, etc. Kids today think it's all about them, and that the world should revolve around ME, because they were never told otherwise. Don't worry, you'll be fine, it's your peers I'm worried about.

Kids these days, blah blah blah, back in my day blah blah blah...........yawn.