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DNForrest
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17 Jul 2012, 7:02 pm

By the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

A bit of history on the two of us: I'm diagnosed with Asperger's and OCD, and she's potentially on the spectrum with some other things I'm not at liberty to disclose.

We first "met" about two years ago, when I noticed her constantly glancing at me from across the room at a large science event for kids at which we were both volunteering. For months after that, I'd see her around campus here and there, typically by herself, but never worked up the courage to talk to her. Then, six months or so after our first encounter, at the beginning of 2011, we ended up taking both the same Yoga class and engineering course. I finally introduced myself to her, and we hit it off pretty well. We chatted online quite a lot and kept on making plans for dates, but unfortunately our hectic schedules constantly prevented us from following through with them. This happened enough times that eventually we pretty much gave up, especially when I graduated and went into job search mode, and I came to consider her a loss. Fast forward to around Halloween and I'm still unemployed, when she posted some pictures on Facebook of her with an old boyfriend. It shocked me how hard that it hit me seeing these pictures. I've dated girls before who later posted pictures with their new boyfriends, but it had never hit me as hard as this for some reason. It was then that I realized that she was someone I actually felt I could spend the rest of my life with. She was perfect for me in every way. With most women I had met before, they were either in a serious relationship, or there were a few big things about them on which I'd have to settle. With her, there was nothing of the sort. Her intelligence, her personality, her tastes, her looks, everything was ideal to me. So I'd sporadically message her over the next few months trying to reconnect, and would either only get a few messages in return or nothing, and succumbed to considering her a loss again. Then, about two months ago, I got a message from her out of the blue. We started chatting a bit more, and finally, a little over a month ago, we began dating.

It was the happiest I've been in decades. I didn't care that I was unemployed, I even got rejected for an amazing job despite getting pretty far into the interviewing process, but it didn't faze me, because I had her. We both want to end up in Seattle, and with her there as emotional support, I would have been able to handle the stresses of continuing on and obtaining my PhD at UW. Hell, I was even happy I spent two years unemployed between getting my Bachelor's degree and starting my Master's, because it resulted in me meeting her. She was everything I wanted in a woman, and she was entirely understanding and accepting of my conditions. She didn't even mind the fact I'm living with my mom, and was becoming friends with her, they were even watching So You Think You Can Dance with each other. It made me so happy to just be sitting in another part of the house, listening to them cheerfully chat away about the contestants.

However, I started to notice small things that I tried to put off on her own conditions and history. When we held hands, she wouldn't clutch mine in return. She felt two weeks and several dates was still "too soon" for kissing. Despite things like this, I put it in the back of my mind, because again, I felt it might just be part of who she was, and the other aspects of our relationship were going so well.

Then, last Thursday, after I gave her a ride home and helped her move some stuff, she was giving me a shoulder rub in return. She was even being flirty, going back to a ticklish spot "just to make sure it was still ticklish". Immediately after finishing, she told me to wait for a second, and went into her room, emerging a minute later with a binder. We went outside to talk, where I figured we were going to discuss advancing our relationship into more physical aspects. Instead, she had in the binder a paragraph written about how she only wanted to be friends, and didn't want to date me. I tried to ask for an explanation delving further into this, but she didn't have one.

In short, I'm crushed and a complete mess. I can barely sleep, I can barely eat, and in the first two days after, I've lost 4lbs. She was my last hope for being happy in the foreseeable future, and now she's gone. I'm constantly breaking down every time I think about the happy moments with her, what we could have had in the future, and the frequent, dark thought that maybe she left me for someone else (there were two paragraphs on her sheet, one labeled "D" which I'm assuming was for me since my name's Dan, and one labeled "H"). I'm fortunate enough to have plenty of support from my family and a few friends, but it's still hard. It doesn't help that I just spent a night dreaming we were back together and happy, only to wake up and realize I don't have her. I'm constantly thinking about little things that maybe, just maybe, had I done them slightly differently, she would have stayed with me. Without her, I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life.

I do understand that I can't make her feel the same way about me that I do her, and forcing her into a relationship she isn't happy in would hurt me more in the long run, but it's still hard. I may have dated before, but she's the first person I'd consider myself to have had a relationship with, and the first person I actually saw myself being with for the long run.

Anyone that goes through and reads this entire post, thanks for reading my rant, it helps me a lot just by getting it out there.



cathylynn
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17 Jul 2012, 7:34 pm

a while back, i had to break up with a fiance because he hit me. i was devastated. after a good while, i met a fellow with whom i am even more compatible. we have had a wonderful three years of marriage.



Aharon
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17 Jul 2012, 8:35 pm

I have read your OP and am totally sorry this has happened to you. It's like she, the she you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with, died and is gone forever, but there she is, alive and well, and totally not loving you they way you love her. It confounds the heart, and there is little to ease the pain. My deepest sympathies.


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2wheels4ever
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18 Jul 2012, 12:38 am

While I haven't had rejection recited to me from a folder, I may as well have. It is rough when they can't logically see how good you are to them and for them. I imagine it to be what a bad LSD trip must feel like with no epiphany. This sucks for you and I'm 'sorry'. It's truly HER loss and I hope you can move on


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DNForrest
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18 Jul 2012, 8:53 pm

Thanks for the kind words folks, it really does help. I'm still having a hard time because I keep on thinking about all of the little things we had in common. I'm also having a difficult time because I want to continue my workout regiment (I've lost 40lbs since the New Years), but the one bike path I like goes by her house, and I'm absolutely terrified at the thought that I'll pass her when she's with someone else.



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19 Jul 2012, 11:13 pm

Sending many, many, many (((hugs))) to you! My heart goes out to you!


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sweetcakes
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20 Jul 2012, 11:18 pm

That SUCKS- So Sorry...



DNForrest
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22 Jul 2012, 8:19 pm

So I finally broke down and asked her, and no, she didn't leave me for someone else.

I was also looking up info on her "not at liberty to disclose" conditions, and from what I've read, what happened shouldn't come as a surprise at all.

Both of these things have made me feel ridiculously better, though I really do feel saddened at the thought that she may never be able to hold on to a long term relationship. There were a few things she said during our short stint that made it sound like she's expecting to end up completely alone when she's older, and this is nothing short of depressing to me since I care about her so much.



sweetcakes
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22 Jul 2012, 9:59 pm

You sound like you have a good heart...dont give up...

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