So many people want me to die

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I used to be a regular at 12-step meetings, now I am not so much that anymore.

I used to have a large number of people who were very happy to hear from me, now most of them want nothing to do with me, ever since my last relapse on alcohol.

I went to a meeting last night, and everybody in the room got to share, but when it came to my turn, they decided to quickly end the meeting instead of listening to anything I had to say.

So many people want nothing to do with me. In fact, I am convinced that nothing would make them happier than my death.

I am convinced that my own family would love to see me die by my own hand, as well.

What to do, what to do?.....

Don't know the whole situation of course, but from what you say, it sounds like your realtionship to family and friends is negatively affected by the alcohol use. It sounds like you have to choose which you want.

You don't provide enough information to adequately assess what is going on, but from what you write, here is what occurred to me:

You may be in such a state of depression that you are unable to recognize how people are reacting to you. Is it possible that when it came your turn to talk, you may have wanted to share a story, but may have given the impression you did not have much to say? This sort of thing has happened to me quite frequently. I often am slow to respond because I'm thinking out what I intend to say and people end up thinking I don't have anything to say. The conversation moves on and I end up feeling left out.

Also people may very well be frustrated with you, not because they hate you and want you gone, but because they care about you and the pain of seeing you having problems becomes an overwhelming burden. It can be extraordinarily difficult to deal with a person who has deep, insoluble problems. They may want to get away from the pain of your problems, but that doesn't mean they do not care about you.

Other people can help you and I think most people will try to help if they can. But they can only do so much. No matter how much help you get from others, ultimately you have to do the hardest job of making positive changes in your life and sticking with them. There is no easy answer when life seems so difficult. You just have to start making small, positive changes, one step at a time. And as difficult as it is, you have to keep doing it over and over. If you do, I suspect you will be happier with yourself and the people around you will be more and more willing to help.

Good luck.

OK, here is the situation.

I go to two different 12-step fellowships. I have two months sober from alcohol, and three days sober from my other addiction (which I will not disclose here).

The meeting I went to last night was AA. I used to have many friends at that meeting, now all of the people I used to hang with there no longer wants to talk to me there anymore, it seems, with the exception of my sponsor. Other people there are trying to reach out to me, but I don't want to get too close to any of them, seeing how that usually ends up painfully for me.

As far as my family goes, my mother has made it a point to tell me several times that I was not even supposed to be born. I am the mentally challenged disgrace in the family tree, after all, and I was supposed to be a miscarriage to begin with. A lot of people in the family are resentful that I was born with Asperger's and a bipolar disorder, and they make that resentment very clear in their vicious actions towards me.

I have many friends in the other fellowship currently, but that won't last forever. Eventually, people will want nothing more to do with me. That's the way it usually works. People get something out of me, and then they dispose of me. It was like that all throughout my life. Every boyfriend I ever had was somebody who just wanted to sleep with me a few times, and then he disposed of me without a second thought. This will never end.

I am trying to make positive changes in my life, but the more I try, the more pain I feel, and eventually I go back to my addictions because they are the only things that have kept me alive this long. I am in a hopeless spot. Maybe it would be best for me if I killed myself - if only I had the courage to pull it off, it would have happened a long time ago.

A lot of people at AA are hypocrites. Not all of them by a long shot, but many are. A lot of people get that way when they have drinking problem and somebody else relapses. It makes them feel better about themselves. Not all folks in recovery are that way though, so don't write them all off.

As for friends, they come and go. It's not that common, I think, to find more than one or two that you keep for the long haul. I only have a few like that. Also, friends can go for weeks or months without talking or hanging out. Doesn't mean you aren't friends. I wouldn't sweat that. Also, don't be standoffish when folks want to get to know you. The more people you know, the less likely it is that you'll be alone when you don't want to be.

It doesn't sound like anybody wants you to die either. Even if they did, why would their opinion matter? If somebody wanted me to die, I'd live just to spite them. Don't let them get to you, and I know that's easier said than done, but it's possible sometimes. Maybe you could find another place to meet potential friends besides meetings?

When you relapsed, was it just a nip here, a tip there, or was it a full on stagger down the street swearing at babies drunkeness? I ask because I was curious how they knew about it at AA. If you'd told them, then at least you were honest and they should respect that. If not, something's wrong with THEM, not you.

They knew about it because I told them about it. My last relapse involved me drinking a fifth of bourbon in one evening in the comfort of my own apartment. Nobody would have known if I did not come clean about it.

Yes, I certainly got that impression when I went to Al-Anon... VERY NT behaviour about forming a social circle and any oddness or deviance from the little social wavelength they get going is treated with hostility and being pushed away. (In the socializing time, they would quite literally turn their backs to me after a few sessions!) I found their attitude thoroughly revolting!

It's as if they have a physical NEED to have someone to hate... and an oddball like myself fits the bill every time. [sigh]

Well, last night, I found out that there was a rumor mill going on about me in the AA circles. I found this out when I was on the bus, and a couple of people from my AA homegroup was on the same bus that I was on. They had a lot of questions for me, given that they heard all about my involvement in another 12-step fellowship (OK, I'll say it because everybody else seems to know about it at this point - I am involved in SAA). The rumor mill has been pretty brutal against myself because of it - some of the things that people thought I was up to is quite insulting, actually, as I would like to believe that people know that I have more morality than those situations they thought up about me.

So, now I broke my sobriety in AA, and I see no reason to return to any AA meeting, thanks to the rumor mill that has developed around myself. People will think what they want to think, and who cares? I am nothing by myself. Without the approval of others, I am nothing. People will always remember my mistakes, and never notice my accomplishments. There really is no point in continuing to go on at this point.

If I do not have the approval of others, I am nothing. I am nothing by myself. Every time I tried to stand up for myself in the past, it ended up with me being brutally knocked down, often literally. I try to take care of myself, to help myself become a better person, but these setbacks only remind me that I am nothing when there are so many people that outright hate me. I am nobody. I am nothing. I was meant to be a perfect doormat, and my own free will is my own worst enemy. I do not know what else to say at this point.

You're giving the opinions of a$$#0L#$ way, way too much value! I did the same thing for so many years and it nearly killed me, I still battle the depression it brings on if I allow myself to go down that dark path now and then...

As overly-simplistic as some people think, they may have a very good point... "It doesn't matter what other people think. Period." There might be something to that...

I like the Bill Cosby quote, "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

"Sorry" to "hear" all this.

If you have placed your trust in your Higher Power (no, NOT a doorknob) he will lead you to recovery and healing as long as you're willing to meet him halfway.

I say this because AA is not the end-all-be-all of recovery despite their opinions. Not to bash on secular groups, I know they've helped tons of people, but how does their shunning you show that THEY are Working An Honest Program? Oh don't get me started, but everyone is there to pursue their own sobriety amirite?

Before I tangent off, let me just say there are similar programs active and most likely in your area that incorporate a biblical passage to support each step, as well as 8 Principles of recovery based on the Beatitudes from the Sermon On The Mount, and feature gender-specific small group open share. You may want to see where there is a Celebrate Recovery meeting near you

In the meantime don't let resentments build another relapse; you wouldn't be the first nor the last

1 of my local leaders likes to illustrate it like this:

You stop going to that meeting because you have a problem with Joe X

You stop going to other meetings because you don't like the coffee there

You stop going to all meetings because "you're nothing at all like those other alcoholics/druggies/SAs"


And your relapse doesn't start small again, it picks right back up where you left it off, as you can see from that fifth bottle.

Those few who are reaching out, I would say let them in to an arm's length, don't give yourself over until you know they are genuine. But you can NOT achieve sobriety alone, recovery is designed with sponsorship, support, encouragement and accountability in mind. Try to do it on your own and you WILL fail

HTH

Apparently, they had a discussion about my situation at my old homegroup's business meeting, and the general vibe that came out of it is that gossip of any kind is not good for the group in general. There are a few people there that don't want me to come back, but they are in the minority. I didn't think that I had that many friends left in AA, but apparently I do.

So, it looks like this whole situation has been resolved, and that picking up that bottle of Jim Beam last Sunday was all for nothing. I feel stupider than ever. Heh.

If you had that drink last Sunday and there have been a few days of emotional turmoil between then and now, and you haven't gone back to the bottle over it, I'd say that's a clear victory. Looks like you found a better way to cope