In a major identity crisis right now

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I am in a bit of an identity crisis right now. I have my career path mapped out pretty much (cartography/urban planning), despite hitting a few snags, and I have some cities in mind for possible relocation (mainly because I would like a cooler climate).

But when it comes to social issues, I struggle quite a bit, despite having improved overe the past few years, and having relatively mild AS.

I feel like no matter what I do, I can't be accepted by some group of people because I don't fit some ridiculous stereotype. For example, I am a Christian and I vote Republican, yet people outside of those demographics assume I am some hatemonger who tries to force his beliefs on people. On the other hand, I like animated sitcoms and indie/foreign films, and indie music (things mostly admired by indie, "hipster"-types, of which I am not among), and non-fans of those things think I am some sort of mind polluter.

And when it comes to romantic relationships, I have a complex web of struggles. First of all, It's nearly impossible for me to let go of someone I have been attracted to for over 5 years, who I had put on an extremely high pedestal, seeing her as the epitome of perfection--so much that I completely looked the other way in regards to her lies, broken promises, and mind games. Second, it's nearly impossible to reconcile my special interests with my religious and political identity, and that affects possible friendships/relationships, because I end up finding myself trying to cater to both hipsters and neoconservatives. Third, I have an extremely high sex drive, and it's reached the point where masturbation just doesn't cut it anymore. And I have absolutely no idea how to discuss my sexual needs to a future partner without her thinking it's *all* I want (I want an actual relationship. I have done the FWB thing before, but it isn't really my preference). Fourth, there's the AS-related stuff. I don't have problems with touch, and don't have a bunch of sensory issues (I do have a few, though). But I do have loads of trouble with some of the unspoken rules of relationships, and that would hinder a relationship if she were an NT. Yet in an AS-AS relationship, there's the possibility of her being asexual, or her not being able to handle being out of her routine long enough to enjoy a relaxing vacation (Traveling is one of my favorite things).

I am not sure what battle plan to take.

I vote Republican as well, but it's never been in conflict with my friendships or my interests, because at the end of the day, whether you think Obamacare is a good idea or a bad one doesn't really matter in regards to who you choose to be friends with. Obviously, if someone outright says, "I could never be friends with a Republican cause they're close-minded bigots" to me then I know to cut my losses, since I'm not going to change my views on the world or lie about them. But it's never come up. I know plenty of folks with nearly opposite views politically than me, and it doesn't affect our friendship at all, because we respect each others intelligence and maturity.

Point is, you cannot possibly be everything to every person. You like what you like and are not obligated to abandon your interests for the sake of a few more friends. But by the same token, if someones not interested in something you are, it's not an insult and you shouldn't take it that way. Just don't mention Inuyahsa or Full metal Alchemist to the guy who doesn't 'get' the japanese cartoon thing, and you'll be fine.

As for women and sex, well, that just has to be negotiated as the relationship progresses. Obviously you don't say, "I need lots of sex so I hope you're OK with it" on a first date, because even if they ARE OK with it, just you mentioning it so soon is a potential dealbreaker. You just have to do what we all do: Meet girls and find out what they're like, and hope you meet one that's compatible.

Hi Tim_Tex,

I can really relate to the struggle to reconcile one's interests/social groups, and what that means for your whole sense of self. I've dabbled in more ways of life than I can list, searching for that sense of placement and "home." The fact that I develop passionate interests doesn't help in that respect, although I naturally wouldn't trade that trait away, either.

The advice I offer to you is that you likely won't be able to "perform" this reconciliation yourself, as if it were an intellectual exercise or problem to solve (which too often is how I go about my life - and the fact that you used "battle plan" gives me the impression that you're like me in that regard!) I've rarely 'solved' these kinds of issues on my own abilities - rather, these issues change and evolve over time. So what do we do in the meantime? It's not the most satisfying answer, but I've found personally that I need to disengage with this tension as much as I can. You can't totally, but you just have to appreciate that you won't necessarily find that magic "click" that will make everything make sense all at once. You battle, but don't get too invested in a final, ultimate victory. Fight, then rest. Fight, then distract yourself.

As for the sexual/romantic side of life, I can relate to what you shared on that score, as well. It's interesting to me, because on that front, too, I sense in you the struggle to find a sense of home, of secure attachment. I suspect many of us with AS fall in love deeply on account of our acute sensitivity. That's just the way we function.

I also sense - rightly or wrongly - that it's not just a lack of satisfaction in your sexual life *right now* that's troubling you, but rather that you may *never* find someone with whom you can share yourself, including your sexual self. If that's true, then I can sympathize, because I've known that concern, too.

For that, I think what I wrote above holds true - You can't "solve" that problem on your own, in your head. Life doesn't have guarantees, but you are an intelligent, articulate guy. You have passionate interests, which also makes you interesting as a person. As much as you can, trust in God / life (as is most helpful to you) that there *are* others out there who will want to share everything inside of you - or at least as much as any of us share our lives intimately with another person.

I hope some of what I've written helps! I don't often come to this site, but what you wrote just resonated with my experience, and so I wanted to offer what wisdom I've found (not much, lol!) in case it should prove helpful to you and others.

Dan

It can be difficult to share views across the aisle; because you'll never fit in completely but it doesn't have to be a barrier.

So I realized something; unless I want to be a mindless minion of a political party, I just hope for an intelligent opinion.

For example:

I am a pro-2nd amendment person. One of my best friends is very much govt should ban gun ownership. We'll never agree, but she can make some valid points. I respect that, and we just don't talk about it.

Sometimes it's easy to get lost in what you disagree on. I was at a county fair talking to a Republican and he asked a woman how she was. She said that she hated Republicans and never votes Republican. He said "Have you looked at my issues?" She said "Ok, Universal Health Care?" He said "Yes, everyone should have access to good, affordable health care but provided by private companies, not the government." She said "Typical Republican, it'll never work without the government doing it." and walked off.

There was so much hostility; yet they both wanted the same goal. They just disagreed on how to accomplish it.

I had/have the same problem but in opposite. I am a liberal but my friend for about 40 years was a conservative. If we stayed away from the political issues we felt deeply about we were great friends. Sometimes feelings were hurt/angered when we talked about certain political topics. I've read about the political climate of maybe the 1970s where people had their political parties (like Tip O'Neill and Ronald Reagan) but could still be friends and respected that everyone has a right to their opinions.

I guess I'm saying that you can get along if you respect each other and stay away from topics that will upset someone.

Sweet Pea hugs

That really sucks.

You're better off not trying to be friends with people who are such intolerant ideologues that they can't be friends with those of different opinions. People whine about how "bigoted", "closeminded" and "intolerant" people who lean to the right are, but I've found plenty of people with that attitude on the other side of the aisle, and they're just as hate-filled as they assume "right wingers" to be.

Totally off topic but it's a map question. In Fight Club, the house they lived in was on Paper Street. I've read that they use Paper Street in the planning stages for a street thats not really there. Is that true? Cause if so that also adds another clue that Tyler Durden isn't real.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any advice to give you except to say that you should just do what makes you happy and forget what other people say.

I have never seen Fight Club, so I would have no way of knowing.

Tim_Tex, the conflicts you describe are the same ones you have been talking about for many years here. Why is this identity problem coming to a crisis for you now?

Tyler Durden wasn't "real". He was just an alter-ego of the protagonist.

It's a combination of what happened with that woman I mentioned in the original post, and overall hostile attitudes toward Christians and Republicans. She met the trifecta (the third part is that she liked to travel), and nobody else does. These days, whether you're tolerant or bigoted hinges on whether you agree with ultra-left-wing political views. If you agree with them, you're tolerant. If not, you're a bigot.

Voting Democratic is not a dealbreaker with me, nor is being a hipster (although I have no interest in actually becoming one). Yet so many people with the same interests have "conservative" and "theist" as major dealbreakers.

For the records, the places I had in mind with cooler climates were the Pacific Northwest/southern Alaska.

Basically the bottom line is:

Because I watch animated sitcoms (shows like the Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, etc.), and indie films (many of which are unrated by the MPAA, and of which a handful have content similar to a movie that is rated NC-17)--things that many of the more socially conservative Republicans consider to be as bad as porn--fellow Republicans think I am evil.

Yet because I am a Christian and vote Republican (but would vote Libertarian if they actually had a chance of winning an election), people with the aforementioned interests--the majority of which are not religious and vote Democratic--think I hate gay people, hate black people, deny the Holocaust, don't care about the poor or middle-class, and think women should be beaten into submission--none of which are true about me.

Well it's an election year so tensions are high. I suggest you try to avoid the topic of politics and religion altogether. Talk about movies, books, etc. to keep your conversations light. When you do find yourself in these types of discussions make sure that you are projecting yourself as an open minded person. State your opinions but be receptive to other points of view and try not to come off as if you think your opinions are better than everyone else's. Definitely don't try to convert anyone to your way of thinking. That will almost certainly alienate you from others.

I like to think I am above politics but i admire some libertarian ideas.

If you are a neocon you should cut that out. Its not a healthy place to be mentally. Secondly I would advise not worrying about how women are going to react to you too much, you should cross that bridge when it comes to it. Try masturbating less and perhaps you will find it more satisfying when you do do it. And if you have to see a decent whore just to get your mojo going again. Wasting time supporting criminals like Romney / Santorum is going to do nothing for you. Hipsters are prob the better port in a storm. Good luck. I know I have unorthodox advice but we are unorthodox people.

wait.. about the woman.....

listen to her signals. realize that everything you admire about her is really what you ought to be admiring about yourself