Most days I think about suicide

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Suicide,
That sounds a bit melodramatic, on good days I think of all the upset it would cause my wife and son and so I should, on not-so-good days I worry that no one will love my dog the way I do, on bad days I am afraid it will hurt or I will fail and then I would have to face everybody knowing what I had tried and failed to do. But I am left paying the price for trying to live through another day. From my earliest memory, I felt that I didn't fit in and that there was something wrong with me. Every decision I have made in my life has been made through that lens. Why should I expect anymore, I know I am not brave so standing up for myself is something I tend not to do and if I did and lost my marriage for example the change that could bring to my life would be so frightening that I just put up with the status quo. I don't have a formal diagnosis of ASD but it seems probable.
From everything I have read my difficulties now and as a child would seem to fit. But I am nothing if not logical I have read and understand unconscious bias for example so perhaps in all my research I have subconsciously absorbed all the information that supports that conclusion and glossed over the contraindications.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression so to the 6 million dollar question am I depressed because of the life I have, or is the life I have because of ASD, anxiety and depression?

hug