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unduki
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15 Sep 2012, 7:17 pm

I just feel so screwed up that I'm starting to loose my handle on everything. For so long everything had to be so tightly controlled and now I simply don't have the stamina to keep it up.

Let me explain. I'm a high functioning autistic female who was raised as an NT. I'm 53 years old and the third of nine children born within a span of 17 years.

Everyone all my life has known I'm different but who knew about autism or that girls could have it? They know I'm intelligent. Highly educated people have always enjoyed discussing things with me and seek me out frequently for advice or feedback even though my formal education is miserably lacking. I have no problem making friends in any situation or setting but almost everyone who gets to know me dumps me sooner or later - and it's like forever. There's no cooling off and forgiving. I get written off like I'm poison, especially when it's one of those instances where I've called them out about something. Those who don't dump me are simply cool people who have the gift of tolerance and are able to deal with the truth without feeling threatened.

So, my husband was the first to dump me, then one sister, then another, then a brother, then a son, and another, and another, then my daughter, more sibs to follow as well as most of my friends. My mother pushed me away from her the last time I saw her alive and told a friend she was worried about me because I was such an odd and lacking person. My siblings aided my ex in driving my children away.

On the other hand, I've had a somewhat successful professional life, though there have been more than enough glaring failures. I'm in a position of political power so some people hate me no matter what and some people like me. I think I make sound decisions and enjoy reasonable respect within the community.

I raised 4 kids, none of whom are in jail, all gainfully employed and having good hygiene. The last 13 years, I did it as a single mom with very little financial support from their father - actually, he provided the opposite of support, with a vengeance. But I did it and got it done in spite of him.

I felt myself heading off a cliff a couple of years ago (just before my daughter ran off) which is what lead me to the autism self-diagnosis. I was out of ideas and ready to pop my top. I can say it helps to finally know what the problem is and that there are ways to cope with it, which is kinda what I've been doing all along with a blind-fold on, but I also feel so lost. I have no idea what to do next. It seems everything I do is wrong and everyone hates me. Even perfect strangers - grocery clerks! People say, screw them, who needs 'em? I say I do. It hurts me deeply that people hate me. They don't even know me and they're trying to mess me up like I did something to hurt them.

It doesn't help that I'm also empty-nesting (worse because all but one of my beloved children has completely cut me from their lives) and being barred from ever meeting my grandchildren. I have to sneak around the internet just to get pictures. In sneaking, I see things that were meant to be kept from me. People talking about me behind my back. Why don't they talk to me directly? They've gotten half of everything so wrong and the other half they made up. If they'd just talk to me I could explain things, but they're more comfortable with the worst thing they can imagine.

Still, I was asked to run for City Council. Oh my God! Can't they see what a wreck I am?

How can I fix my life? Do I need to just re-boot? Start over in a new town? Can you do that? Is it healthy? I'm too old to start over but at least I wouldn't be starting from zero. I have skills.

There is no help or guidance for older women just coming to this same realization. We're just as odd and lacking as ever, moreso now that the public is characterizing us as mentally ill, dangerous, retards, freaks, lazy hypochondriacs, losers or just throwaways with no practical use or value.


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alpineglow
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15 Sep 2012, 7:43 pm

Sorry that you're feeling bad. Many folks in your general situation, not that that makes it all right. Wish I had solutions, but am willing to Listen, so PM me if you want.



cathylynn
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15 Sep 2012, 11:08 pm

i'm 56 and self-diagnosed. i lost a profession because of overhonesty and that finally taught me some tact. i still slip once in a while, but overall am managing not to make enemies. it's possible. i wouldn't move to a new town. you'll be taking yourself wherever you go. unless you change yourself, you'll just re-create the same problems.

i have a very supportive husband. if i'm upset, i'll tell him what i'm thinking of saying. he gives me good advice about what might not be so wise to say. it helps to have someone you can trust to run stuff by.



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16 Sep 2012, 8:00 pm

Sweet Pea hugsImage


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Greatsharkbite
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17 Sep 2012, 12:02 pm

Unduki, why did one of your children cut you out of their lives?

I do know what you feel when you say people are overly mean to you. I get almost knots in my stomach when I have to deal with people who seem obnoxious even when their job should be to act courteous and professional.

It burns me up when someone random like a groccery store cashier seems to just have an attitude for no reason, but my connections with people in general seem strained at best.



unduki
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19 Sep 2012, 9:01 pm

Greatsharkbite wrote:
Unduki, why did one of your children cut you out of their lives?

I do know what you feel when you say people are overly mean to you. I get almost knots in my stomach when I have to deal with people who seem obnoxious even when their job should be to act courteous and professional.

It burns me up when someone random like a groccery store cashier seems to just have an attitude for no reason, but my connections with people in general seem strained at best.


Three of my kids cut me out of their lives. The first was my oldest. He got mad because I divorced his father and son didn't think I should. (Ex was sleeping with other, very, very young women [plural] and gave me an STD in the process - not to mention, he treated me cruelly for the last 7 of 20 years.)

The second was lured away by his older brother and father. Dad promised him things I couldn't provide - Dad couldn't either but he sure promised a lot. The third was the same thing but more intense. Dad had been working on him for 10 years after the divorce. My younger siblings didn't help, either. They don't like me and talk bad about me behind my back all the time.

The last child was the worst. After months of going round and round about her cleaning her room (which had exploded into the rest of the house) she viciously attacked me in my room and then ran out of the house into a dark, rainy night. The 2nd son's mother in law kept her hidden from me for 2 months - cops looking and everything. It was my worst nightmare. She eventually came out of hiding, telling everyone but the cops that I beat her, that the abuse had been going on for years and that I was into heavy drugs, like meth and heroin... All lies everyone believed at the drop of a hat like they never knew me. 2nd son's wife had decided she didn't like me because of comments I had made two years earlier (which I can understand because I often say things people misunderstand, but to not say something and then bring it up two years later?) I can't think of what I could have said that was so awful and no one ever discussed it with me - they just excluded me from their lives with no explanation.

Since joining the Army, 3rd son has let me back into his life, saying he was just going along with his dad because he really missed out on a relationship with him while growing up. He's expecting his first child in December and I already have a plane ticket to go see them in January so I'll finally get to meet a grandchild. Bittersweet.

All this is kinda normal parent/child stuff. Kids rarely think of their parents as actual people. What's different is that other people manipulated my kids to get what they wanted (especially their own father) and made it look like I was the bad guy. It hurts that my children would treat me like this especially since for all those years I sacrificed everything to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies, got them educated and functioning as adults - and they know it, they're just completely denying it.


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OliveOilMom
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20 Sep 2012, 4:10 am

First let me say that my oldest son cut me out of his life. He says he hates me now. It's because of his dope ho baby mama, and she hates me and she hates my husband and my oldest daughter but she doesnt hate my youngest two kids anymore. Long story about that, and all I did was yell at her one night and she went freaking batsh*t crazy afterwards and started an actual campaign against me and almost succeded in turning my husband and youngest child against me. Anyway, she finally left him for one of the guys she was screwing behind his back. He's better off without her, but he still thinks he hates me.

So, I feel you about that.

Have you considered that you might be depressed? Judging from how you say you are feeling, it sounds to me like you could very well be. I have clinical depression and I can tell you that it's much more than being sad. When you are depressed, you have no real hope of things getting better, you don't see much of a reason to try very hard or do things for yourself, it's even hard to think straight at times, you have no energy sometimes, and you really tend to perceive things incorrectly. By that last one, I mean that when I'm depressed small things seem worse or bigger than they actually are and no matter how much someone else tries to explain to me that they aren't as bad as I think, I do not believe them and truly believe that they just don't understand. I will take everything personally. If I'm having a bad day/week/month etc, then I will see everything that goes wrong as something almost "directed at me from the universe" or something nebulous like that. Not that I think something is out to get me, but it feels like everything bad is directed at me. I will only notice and focus on negativity as well. If one person in a store is rude to me, that is the only experience of being in the store that sticks with me and I start feeling that everyone at the store was rude. I can become paranoid and misinterpret other's actions and words which have nothing to do with me, and I make them all about me but in a negative way. I get so focused on negative thinking and my own emotional misery that I am truly unable to see things differently. Depression really screws up your perception of everything. It gives you false ideas and beliefs and even false feelings, although it all feels real at the time.

As hard as it is, and as useless as it may seem at the time, going to the doctor and starting antidepressants can really be the best bet in times like these. It's very hard to do that sometimes, because when depressed we tend to feel like nothing will ever help. Also, we only look at the negatives. People who we know who had problems with antidepressants, or problems that we have had ourselves with certain antidepressants, or the cost of them or the waiting period to see a doctor etc, all come to mind first as reasons not to even try it. Depression isn't something that makes getting treatment for it easy. It's not conducive to easy treatment, and thats because of our own resistant to treatment at the time.

Meds aren't always easy to start either. Sometimes it takes several tries to find the right one or combination. The first one you try may help a great deal, or only slightly, or not at all, or may make you worse. You have to be prepared to watch your symptoms and notify your doc and be willing to switch to another one. You can get lucky and the first one does wonders, or you may have to go through several until you find the right one or ones. I will promise you this though, it is so very worth it. It's as different as night and day for me when I'm on my meds. I'm actually able to look back at how I thought and felt while depressed and see the ways that I wasn't thinking right. I'm able to be happy, and see things in perspective. No, it doesn't make everything a bed of roses, but it does at least give you dasies a good bit of the time, even with the weeds and stickers in there, and it helps you deal with things better.

I'd really, really suggest that you find a way to talk to a doctor about antidepressants. If you don't have insurance, there are ways to see a doctor, and ways of getting the meds.


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23 Sep 2012, 4:34 pm

unduki, I never wanted to have children because I had no doubt that what happened to you exactly would happen to me. I'm 50 now and very glad I didn't have kids, because this was done to me anyway - with my nephews and niece. That I can survive, although I helped raise them, but if it'd been my own children, it would've finished me.

I did suspect that what happened to me, being framed by the whole family and denied fair trial, might be something faced by other aspie women our age too. This thread confirms what I suspected.

I have no contact with family whatsoever. You could say it was my own decision, but I had to cut them all out of my life because of the horrendous way they treated me. Once I made the cut, they did the framing, libel and made sure everyone in the extended family cut contact with me too (those had always hated me and welcomed having an excuse now, anyway, so nothin I could do).

And I'm divorced from a wife batterer who threatened to murder me (never got around to telling me why).

As to friends, I had many in my life, I was very social, but was never able to keep the friends for longer than a couple years, either they dumped me without telling me why or I cut contact because of their abuse or taking advantage of my kindness and naivete.

My parents were dumped on me (after they themselves wanted nothing to do with me) when they got old and sick and I cared for them intensively for several years, which drained me because they were both paralysed from head to toe and my mother was unable to speak). This together with all the other horrible stuff I related above.

At the same time, continuously fired from jobs (without giving me a logical reason), and hardly able to support myself.

I think it's too much for me, without any support at all from anyone, never having anyone to talk to about me, and so many people who enjoy targeting a woman who is totally alone.

I devote myself nowadays to street cats, have adopted 3 of them.

I'm surprised that I've lasted till age 50 so far, because I objectively think it's too much for one person alone.

I hadn't told my full story like this to anyone in a long time, only on this thread do I feel like the full story can be understood, because only other aspies can understand these things. An NT would never understand how we end up in these terrible situations. There is a very specific combination of factors that causes this kind of tragic outcome at our age, and most people can't understand all the ingredients at once:

- having AS and the traits of naivete, social handicap, lack of ToM, honesty, logic, intelligence, etc.
- being raised to believe we're just normal but lazy/selfish
- being female
- discovering AS after age 40

And yes, I agree: there's absolutely no help for aspie women our age.

What I don't understand is how you succeed in such an NT occupation as politics?


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alpineglow
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23 Sep 2012, 7:54 pm

moondust wrote:
- having AS and the traits of naivete, social handicap, lack of ToM, honesty, logic, intelligence, etc.
- being raised to believe we're just normal but lazy/selfish
- being female
- discovering AS after age 40

And yes, I agree: there's absolutely no help for aspie women our age.


It is true what you say here.

And it makes for crazy frustration because if there were some way to help each other out we would. At least I think so.

Unduki i have quite recently made the move you speak or think of. If you want I'll tell you about it. Hre is a short, tiny version.
I've made it despite being frightened about money and not having enough to properly pull this off, my executive functioning being terrible, not knowing how incredibly vulnerable I am, etc. But ... like you sound in the OP - I was done once and for all of the static feel of my life. If NT people knew the details of it all they'd call me an idiot of enormous proportions. But the situation was idiotic anyway, so why not take a chance that things will be better elsewhere. I chose a place known for incredible natural beauty because that is important to me. Will it work out? I have no f---ing idea, but I'm not glued to that old life anymore. Not anymore. I suppose it is possible that I've doomed myself financially but we are getting older anyway, so I chose to grab at a chance for getting some enjoyment and creativity.
Sounds like you at least have some solid skills.
I wish you peace.



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24 Sep 2012, 3:12 am

OliveOilMom - I think you're right, that I'm depressed, but it is what it is. My life is so sucky, I should be more depressed than I am. I think I'm doing pretty good though. A long time ago, a doctor decided I was depressed and got me to try one anti-depressant after another. I simply have no tolerance for this class of drugs. I lost 6 months of my life to trying this crap - lost as in no memory - the nightmare actually went on for nearly 2 years. My ex husband complained that I was like a drooling zombie and made the doctor stop so I could be mother to my children again. Since then, I've been researching natural ways to combat depression and I think I do pretty good. So good that there are people who actually hate me because I'm too cheerful and positive. I can't win.

I practice smile therapy daily - that's where I smile for a few minutes whether I feel like it or not. It actually activates feel good neurotransmitters, etc... look it up. Another thing I use when in crisis is my extensive collection of Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Chris Farley and Trailer Park Boys videos. I take Inositol because it seems to help, and I smoke cannabis. I actively work at not being depressed. Life still sucks. I think some family support is what is lacking but you can't make people care about you.

Moondust, had I know I was autistic, I probably wouldn't have had so many children, if at all. I could have gotten by with one or two, easily. I'm a very capable person, though sometimes I think that's what people hate most about me. I'm too impervious and don't let people see me cry. I never anticipated my life would be anything but what I had planned. I didn't plan to get divorced. People in my family don't do that - because they actually love and cherish their chosen mates. My ex wasn't down with that, I guess. The betrayal and subsequent divorce was the first crippling blow-it. There have been many since and I can't seem to regain any kind of balance.

Funny you should mention having your parents dumped on you. I care for my father. My mother died and he gave up. He suffers from some dementia and gets more feeble by the day. When he came to live with me, they told me it would be for three months, tops, because he was in very bad health. I straightened out his diet, which reduced the amount of medication he needs and he's improved so much his doc is now talking 5 years or more. I guess this is something to be proud of but what have I done? My dad has 9 kids who don't ever think of him, much less interact with him. It's too much of a bother - he knows it and it makes him cry. This means his total care falls to me and I don't get any breaks. It's not a good situation but I do the best I can.

You hit all the nails on the head as far as our specific issues. Don't you just want to scream, "It's not fair!"

Politics are actually perfect for an aspie. Everyone has to act within the very strict and narrow guidelines of the Brown Act. It's like a great equalizer. As a planning commissioner, I deal with ordinances and zoning laws that are very direct and unchanging. Everything is spelled out. Yes, NT's do that back room stuff, but I'm completely left out. I may have been bribed on a few occasions but I'm too dense to understand what's happening and the possibilities die before I catch on - not that I'd take anything - but I'll never know, eh?

I am extremely difficult to influence. I'll talk to anyone and listen to their side but I like to make up my own mind about things. I listen to all testimony and decide how to vote based on fact and not emotion. It helps that I'm an extrovert and not afraid to speak my mind.

To get to this point, however, I took courses in critical thinking and public speaking.

As for the everyone hates me part - conspiracy? maybe, or maybe it's just how NT's deal with people. Assuming I'm an NT also, why am I acting so weird? Why do I say such outrageous thing?

NT's don't understand autism, yet. They must be made aware. Once that happens they'll make the necessary adjustments. In my own family, I've had a mixed reaction to my self-diagnosis. Those who chronically misunderstood everything I uttered, into infinity... have pulled back and become civil. They finally have a reason for my behavior that they can embrace. Most of them, however, can't be bothered so it's easier to say I'm just being lazy and this is one more of my schemes. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be scheming for, they never say, and lazy? LOL

I can't hate them, or write them off (except my ex) because they're only human. It's human to shun someone that's different. We are something to be intolerant of until people start to educate themselves. Then they can rise above their stupid perspectives and we can get something going - maybe.

alpineglow - thank you, yes, I would like to hear more about your adventures.


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OliveOilMom
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24 Sep 2012, 6:47 am

unduki wrote:
OliveOilMom - I think you're right, that I'm depressed, but it is what it is. My life is so sucky, I should be more depressed than I am. I think I'm doing pretty good though. A long time ago, a doctor decided I was depressed and got me to try one anti-depressant after another. I simply have no tolerance for this class of drugs. I lost 6 months of my life to trying this crap - lost as in no memory - the nightmare actually went on for nearly 2 years. My ex husband complained that I was like a drooling zombie and made the doctor stop so I could be mother to my children again. Since then, I've been researching natural ways to combat depression and I think I do pretty good. So good that there are people who actually hate me because I'm too cheerful and positive. I can't win.



Depending on how long ago it was, it might have been tricyclic antidepressants. They can do that to you, in fact they are sometimes given for sleep to nondepressed patients. If you had tried the tricyclics, please don't let that put you off the SSRI's. They are completely different. I take Welbutrin and am supposed to take Lexapro with it but I can't afford the Lexapro right now, and I've never felt sleepy from either of them, or zoned out or anything. I've also tried Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft and Celexa but those didn't work for me. I had to go through all those before we got to the Welbutrin and Lexapro but when I tried that I struck gold.


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24 Sep 2012, 1:07 pm

I didn't know that I was autistic when I decided not to have children. What I knew was that I tended to lose my loved ones to someone poisoning them against me. Since I don't have any dowry, any man could poison the kids against me because men earn more than women here and kids usually side with the parent that gives them the better material life.

I know that group controllers fear a certain latent power we aspies have to lead the masses and that's why they engage in poisoning their weak followers against us. Since we're not aware nor care about this power we have, we're indifferent to power, we always end up losing to the controller and outside the group, losing our loved ones.

The reason the weak followers cut all contact with us and won't even talk to us is they fear their guru's wrath. The guru makes it totally clear that it's either the guru or you. My sister, to confirm my theory, said this to my parents in my presence: "it's either she or me". But I already knew they do this, didn't need my sister to do it in front of me to know. I'm told she threatened the whole extended family with the same, so I don't expect to ever hear from any relative again.

It's never about something you said, something you did, some character flaw or trait. It's about our constant accusing the fact that the emperor is nude (with our honest, realistic behavior and beliefs) - because the guru IS the emperor.

And I knew without a doubt that I'd never be NT-clever enough to bear children with a man who didn't do this to me.

Also, because we genuinely care, our children are held hostage to force us to do what the guru wants us to do. My sister and brother in law even told me to my face that the kids would be kept hostage until I fulfilled their long list of conditions (which were basically to live as their servant forever). Because we genuinely care, again, they're sure we'll never dare abandon the children and therefore will be the guru's slave forever.

When I refused and never saw the kids anymore, my sister and brother in law were shocked - they had NEVER imagined that they'd be left to raise their kids alone without all my constant help. They were sure that, out of caring, I'd become their slave. Aspies care genuinely, but not at the expense of logic and personal freedom. That's why I love cats, they're the same as me in that regard. :-)


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25 Sep 2012, 3:53 pm

I'm sure liking this discussion.

OliveOilMom - I've been trying this new and that reworked all this time. I really have little tolerance for any man-made drugs - even some of the more natural ones, like opiates. Oh my! I hallucinate so bad with the hard stuff and suffer from nightmares if I use over the counter, synthetic opiates like dextromethorphan. My doctors all hate me because they can't do anything but prescribe pills. Seriously, they blame it on me, like I can control it.

Moondust - you've had a worse experience than I have. I was at least raised in a family that went to church every Sunday and most Wednesdays. We had people over all the time. Love and kindness were part of my family's lifestyle - that is until our mother got sick with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Things changed and younger siblings turned mean.

I got sick a few years after my mom with the same thing but everyone just said I was faking and trying to get out of work. I was very sick. My husband didn't want a sick wife so he slept around until I threw him out. Then he started working heavily on the kids while I was trying to survive. He didn't pay regular child support - nothing I could count on. He also worked on some of my siblings and started going to my church with his live-in girl friend. I was simply shunned.

It's a crappy system if you're out of step, but I've been out of step for most of my life. It was only after the divorce that it became unacceptable.

Your description of how it is with the NT's sounds a little paranoid or nuts, but I'm totally with you. My 2nd daughter in law and her mother took over my show. They separated my kids from me one by one, totally backed by my ex. I don't understand why - I never really EVER talked to the mother outside the wedding so I don't know what her problem with me is but she sure worked hard to get my kids to go live with her. My DIL is a real piece of work. Known as a mean girl in high school, she's still the same kind of person. Her whole family is like that. I think they must be severely insecure the way they make fun of everyone. But, she's sleeping with my son so he'll go along with anything she says.

I don't try to think on these things too much. It just makes me sad, or worse, mad. I just find something positive to focus on and throw my energy into that.

I'm just not sure where to go from here. I've completely lost my identity. I mean, I was expecting to do the empty nest thing but this total cut off is really hard. Looking after my dad, I'm in limbo. I can't really do anything until he goes to live in a home or dies. I want to keep him for as long as I can just because I know he hates being in a home.

I just wish there was someone I could talk to. For me, there is no one but y'all on Wrong Planet (and some people here seem really mean - or is it just Aspie-tact... you know... the kind that doesn't exist? lol ) I've even tried to find a counselor or shrink but no one wants to deal with late diagnosed, old women.


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