Why can't I be NORMAL?

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I hate my f*****g life I want to end it I can't cope being in this f*****g family any more, being being the only f****d up one lumbered with this f*****g disease and everyone else all being normal and able to make friends and get along with their peers and fit in and be liked. Everyone but ME. I don't even blame it on this f*****g disease I am cursed with, I just think fate is against me. Even my Aspie friends are having a better time than me; they don't get so anxious, one of them has a boyfriend, and aren't as unlucky as me. I wish I didn't have so many cousins who are all normal. One of my cousins is the most luckiest person I know; he has good looks, high IQ and a lot of social confidence too. Those are the 3 things everybody wants in life, but I don't have any of those. I'm ugly, stupid and unconfident. I'm useless, nobody likes me, I can't join in conversations, and I'm just an annoying little c**t who deserves no friends, no jobs, nothing. My cousins do things together without including me and makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them. I f*****g hate being this way, who gave me this f*****g horrible Autism s**t, who did, who had it in their genes? Wasn't my dad - he's got a big family and they're all NORMAL and got confidence and hundreds of friends, and I don't know about my mum well all of her side all are normal aswell, I think maybe some very distant relatives might be on the spectrum but I've never met them and I still don't know why I have to have it for. It must be so f*****g wonderful to have normal social skills that come naturally, it must be so wonderful to naturally be into all the social trends, it must be so wonderful to walk down a street without having snotty c***s in their 60s staring at me like I'm a f*****g freak with two heads I just want to f*****g s**t the next c**t that stares at me OK I'm going to stop now and I'm just going to hit my f*****g head loads of times, I know it won't make my f****d up brain feel guilty for being wired this awful way but what the f**k I will still do it anyway.

It's not your fault that you are this way. I know how hollow this sounds to someone suffering from depression (I've been on anti-depressants for the past 4 months, and intermittently have days like this) but.... just try to be nicer to yourself. You are the way you are, and it's really not your fault.

Oh, and about the family thing, I get where you're coming from about feeling cursed for being 'the only one'...all my cousins seem to be suer-confident, charming, intelligent, good-looking people who all seem to be travelling the world and making loads of money, but eventually I've kind of learned to stop comparing myself to them. I've stopped thinking 'why me'...it's very hard to get to that stage, but it's not impossible. Good luck, and I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.

Tom

Thanks for your advice, it really helps, even if people don't have any advice to offer it still helps when people can relate to me. I just feel rather alone because I have an Aspie friend who is really happy and has a boyfriend, and I know I'm not too bothered about the stress of having a boyfriend at the moment, it's still enough to make me feel like I'm the only one with such bad luck.

I know I will find a job soon and everything but it's been 4 long years and I still haven't got anywhere. I've had a work trial, which is the furthest I have ever got, and also I am in no compitition with anybody else so I really thought I had a very high chance of getting this job....but the boss said he will contact me this week to discuss when I'm going to start officially and what my contract will be, but he hasn't got back to me at all, and usually when they take longer than they said they will to get back to me, it is always bad news. That also means that I must have been useless, because I was the only one who he was training up (I got offered the training through my disability employment advisor). So that's a disappointment waiting to happen.

And with my cousins, even if things do go wrong for them (because just because they're NTs doesn't mean their lives are perfect), they always land on their feet again. They are popular, so they're bound to know somebody who will offer them a job. One of my cousins is very pretty and confident, and gets good-looking fellas who have high management jobs and offer her a job, and if she lost her job or broke up with him, she'd be offered something else by another bloke, and so on. And the other cousin what I said about, he's not doing too badly. He's excellent at art, and is looking into selling his artwork, because it is brilliant enough to make money from. But me, I can't go that far with talent if I tried. I've been into drawing since I was a baby, but I'm still not as good as him, and I never will be.

I just wish I had a gift in something, and was confident enough to make a career out of it. But instead I am just a person with stupid social skills, lurking around the average to lower range with intelligence, and making an effort with my appearance is also difficult for me, being so I have Dyspraxia and grooming myself and putting make-up on seems to be one of my weaknesses, no matter how much practice I get at it I still can't do it as good as most NT girls, who can just do all that rather naturally.

I sympathise too. I'm in pretty much the same position, everything went tits up a few years back and since then I've been back living with my mum. I don't feel as if I will ever manage to get another job because of the way I am and because of all the time I haven't been working. I f****d up my chances at university because of my stupid illnesses and now the student loans people wont lend me the money to go again and it costs £9000/year ffs. I was about to move out with some "friends" til one of totally backstabbed me and the others automatically assumed I was in the wrong (I wasn't) and got someone else to move in instead of me without even speaking to me about it all. Most of the people I know are in jobs and relationships. It feels as if I am wasting my life and it's hard to see an end in sight to all of this BS. Everyone seems to think that getting diagnosed is going to solve all the problems and make everything right. I am very sceptical. I don't feel like I ask for a lot from life; not spending 90% of my time alone, involuntarily, would be nice for a start.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread with this at all... it's more that you said it was helpful when people can relate to how you are feeling so I thought I would describe the similar situation I am in. I have days like the one that resulted in your post too. I'd probably be having one today but I took some diazepam earlier lol. It all makes you feel so mediocre doesn't it? *sigh* I don't have any advice to offer I'm afraid - if I knew a good way out of these situations I would be doing it myself! You are very hard on yourself sometimes but then I also do that. There's no point in me telling you "don't be so hard on yourself" because when you are in one of those moods no amount of logic will change it. I can understand why people get so frustrated with us because, like now, when I try to think of something to say or suggest then nothing that isn't just tired, trite BS that only serves to piss off people who are genuinely depressed.

I was diagnosed at 8, and that didn't help. I've grown up into a very depressed person with extremely low self-esteem. I'm finding it hard to increase my self-esteem. People give me all these tips like ''do voluntary work'', ''have less caffeine'', ''do meditation'', etcetera, but I already do all those things. I do voluntary work, I have cut out on caffeine but still feel depressed, and meditation may help temporarily but I will soon go back to being like this again. I have tried anti-depressants but I did not get on with them, and I'm afraid to try other meds in case it might affect my sleep and digestion, and without meds my sleeping is pretty good for an anxious, depressed person, and my digestion is healthy too, so I don't want those two taken away from me, and it seems a lot of Aspies here who are on meds have problems with sleep and digestion because of the meds, despite the fact that their anxiety and depression has helped them feel better.

The only thing I intend to do that will make me happy (until I get a relationship with the man I want) is get a job in the town where I have to get on my favourite bus to get there (with the bus-drivers that I'm obsessed with) because that would make me happy, and otherwise just shut myself away from my stupid cousin's pathetic social lives and just spend my free time writing stories of what my life would be if I were NT like everybody else. Thankfully I'm mild enough to imagine my life if I were NT; obviously I would have more friends, be more accepted by my cousins, I'll probably be into drinking and dancing (being so all my cousins are) and I don't think it would have took me 4 long years to find a job because I wouldn't have so many barriers, I would be able to do retail and be all right with customers.

*sigh* I would love to be NT, I really would. Just for the simple things really. I'm not saying that being NT will mean I will have lots of golden medals, a beautiful home, a fantastic job, be a millionnairre, and be completely problem-free. It's naive to think NT life means that. But it would be nice just to have social skills that come naturally to you, not be so odd to other people in the way you say most things, have interests that aren't so intense and if they are then it'd most probably be something like shopping or sports, not focus too much on silly trivial things what others don't worry about, having more accurate hearing but not being too hypersensitive to sounds, and being more able to cope when out in public and not getting such diabolical stares from strangers.

^^^
I mean if I were an average NT.