I have kept trying to build up my hope, after my ex randomly broke up with me, and left me unable to even talk with her, after she even changed her number, since she was a continent away from me.... I have really tried to build it up, and I can say that I don't keep thinking about her, particularly, anymore; I have fallen out of love with her, by now. I didn't have a choice, really.... anything else would've caused me to lose my mind. But now, afterwards...... she's the fourth girl who has lost interest in me. You could say fifth, even, but fourth is more reasonable, I suppose. It seems, I am great at first... "perfect", even, as this girl said.... but later on, I suddenly am less perfect, apparently. Why should I even keep trying....? I already am 31. I may not age anywhere close to as fast as most others, and staying young is the next of importance, after keeping my virginity for my true love, but still...... what has happened in my life, the last ten years? Sure, I have learned quite a few things, but otherwise, pretty much nothing has happened. It's been ten years of nothing, and the time has passed very quickly. Before I know it, I will be reaching forty.... except that won't be happening - I will not become old, and I see forty as old. I apologize to anyone who gets upset by me saying this, but I just want to state this, here. :/ I can't deal with getting old. I have heard that attempting to dramatically hinder the aging process will lead to cancer, instead.... but honestly, if I could get five extra years as youthful, I would happily get cancer for it. Aging is one of my worst fears. I can control most other things, one way or another, but aging can at most be slowed down by ingesting anti-oxidants, and eating much less food than the generally recommended amount... which I certainly am doing, at least, but I doubt it is enough. I know it would show if I was forty, and I could never accept that. If I just could stop my aging process.... then, even if I had to wait seventy more years for my true love, in mental pain, I at least would still be young, so it well could be meaningful to do so. Except, of course, that even in such an event, I would be fading..... like I already am.... what would be left of me, by then...? Would I just be cynical and bitter? I already am turning that way. How will I even be in two years, living in this overwhelming loneliness? Two years more of this..... it seems utterly unbearable. Some would say that I need to go out and "do stuff", but if you feel everything is meaningless, then what's the point...? Indeed, it may mean a lot, for some people, if I would do some of the optimistic or just things I have wanted to do, but what would it mean for me, in the end? At most, I have a bit over eight years left of my life..... so those things would mean fairly little to me, even if it would please me to be able to help. I would be helping people that deserve to be helped, but would I become happy...? No. No, I definitely would not. I maybe would have a forced smile, at times, but happy......... honestly, I think I soon won't even know what happiness feels like.... because I am fading. I kind of wish that when I wake up, tomorrow, I will have faded so much that I will have left this world.... so I finally do not need to be human, anymore. It probably was a mistake that I ended up on this planet. I used to take the signs of that it was anything but a mistake seriously, before, but now I wonder if they weren't just paranormal pranks on me.
By starting this thread, I am foolishly sort of hoping for someone to come forth with some type of miracle solution..... I suppose, sometimes, even to this day, I hope that wishes magically can come true.
27 Oct 2012, 4:04 pm
