Still self conscious about the ONE thing wrong with my body

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Greatsharkbite
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31 Jan 2013, 2:27 pm

I'm going to pose a question that I want you to ask yourself--being an aspie, do you think possibly you've inadvertently developed an obsession for how men view womens bodies? If you're referring to what happened in your last post, did he ever really comment about size? Or was there something I missed in your post.

I read that he thought women should be topless--and that they shouldn't mind if 'he' looks at them. No doubt it was insensitive considering he knew how you felt before hand, but does that necessarily refer to his preference towards size at all?

He's already seen women like that before, several times before you guys ever hooked up. If you trust him, you'd trust that your his preference.

Your left with two rational options as to why your boyfriend hooked up with you 1) He either hooked up with you because he finds you attractive and cares about you. 2) He's so desperate he hooked up with the first girl who said yes.

Guys...no people in general don't like insecurity, particularly when it turns into other harmful behaviors. You covering his eyes isn't going to change a thing--there will be countless times where he will be faced with women like that when you're not around. If he was really that shallow, you'd only be feeding him the information that there's someone else he should be looking at instead.



EmoGlambertAspie
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31 Jan 2013, 3:11 pm

I don't think I've developed an obsession overall. I've had shaky self-image about my breasts for a long time and it just goes away and comes back sometimes. This time is the worst it's been since middle school though.


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31 Jan 2013, 5:49 pm

I used to wear a 36 C and then after I had three kids 18 months apart, each and nursed them and nursed my youngest until she was about 2 years old I now wear a 34 B. I hate that I don't have boobs anymore.

I found a couple of really good padded bras and also some silicone inserts which push up what I do have into cleavage and fill out the padded bra really well. I got all that at Wal Mart.

For under about $30 you can have boobs. At least with clothes on.


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EmoGlambertAspie
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31 Jan 2013, 6:06 pm

I don't believe in padding. It's a form of lying. But I appreciate the tip. I think if I try anything it's gonna be the pills and cream. Also, that's part of why I don't want kids, the way it destroys your body plus my boyfriend said if I get pregnant he won't want to have sex with me but will if he "has" to.


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31 Jan 2013, 6:07 pm

Emo, you really deserve a better boyfriend.


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EmoGlambertAspie
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31 Jan 2013, 6:08 pm

He treats me so well in all other ways though. He is just extremely ignorant. He said that thinking sex would somehow hurt the baby. I just told him how even the Mayo Clinic agrees sex any time during pregnancy is perfectly safe and that withholding sex for an extended period of time for any reason besides being physically crippled (and that doesn't include pregnancy) is considered emotional abuse in Ohio and grounds for divorce. Then I told him if he pulls that I'll set up a separate bedroom for him and not even kiss him anymore, maybe even get intimacy somewhere else, and he said "Wow. Okay." He was shocked.


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Greatsharkbite
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31 Jan 2013, 8:29 pm

Well, you're old enough to be with who you want. I don't think this guy sounds bad.

Your fears will only hurt you as mentioned though. Being confident--would get you many more things you desire from this relationship than being unconfident.

But if the insecurity was there before your relationship started.. he wasn't necessarily lying about how he feels in regards to your appearance. Overall with the hurtful comments sounds like a young and -slightly- immature teenage male who's sorry for his mistakes. Mistakes don't make a bad person, infact apologizing and attempting to learn from them makes a good person.


As a male, looks are secondary to me, if this is an issue you personally have with yourself you need to stop including your boyfriend to the best of your abilities and try to see what you can do to either fix the issue, or a way to change your mentallity towards the situation.

I will say as far as kids--unless you both have jobs or a plan to raise and take care of them--having sex would be the least of my worries, though the mentallity that it'd hurt the baby was incorrect information as you said.

There are so many people who "attract" our attention that we aren't attracted to, people who are incredibly tall, people who are incredibly short, people who are mixed, when something that is oversensualized sexually is added to the mix--people become insecure and panic immediately.

Oggling would make anyone be insecure--the first things we're told in an intimate relationship is what the other person likes or is attracted to about us. Unfortunately if said person makes reference to something they complimented about you towards someone else it makes us feel jealous and insecure



Last edited by Greatsharkbite on 01 Feb 2013, 2:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

EmoGlambertAspie
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31 Jan 2013, 9:14 pm

@Greatsharkbite He's 23 and has never had a girlfriend before to learn what does/n't hurt a girl if you say it. As far as what you said about kids, I'll still want to have sex - being a mother does NOT give one an excuse to neglect her husband. :)


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31 Jan 2013, 10:08 pm

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
I don't talk about it to him since the night of the play because of what you're pointing out - I don't want him to get tired of it or think I'm crazy. I've just been bottling it up and venting here. I meant I felt like he'd been lying when we were first together and he said "I love your f**** boobs!" and said they were the "perfect shape, perfect size," etc. I know I should believe him but in the back of my mind I wonder. It's gotten so bad that when we saw the play a couple nights later and there was a scene with girls in their underwear, I covered his eyes - why would he want me if he could check out some beautiful willowy girl on stage with at least Ds? He said on the way home when I explained it that "You're just gonna have to real with that. There are always gonna be girls with bigger boobs than yours" and when I said I thought small boobs were gross to guys and they'd be okay with them only if everything else was great, he said "That's a stereotype."


He's quite right on the stereotype.

I love small boobs and prefer them over big ones or even medium ones. Its so... RAWR.

Quote:
"I don't believe in padding. It's a form of lying. But I appreciate the tip..."


Hats off to you for that. There's nothing more mindF'ing to a guy than to 'discover' the attributes he may have admired the most in his girl were fake.


Quote:
I think if I try anything it's gonna be the pills and cream. Also, that's part of why I don't want kids, the way it destroys your body"


Never heard of a boob-growing cream... dont think it should even work either. Pills..if its hormones maybe but i'd defer to a medical professional for that.

..and that 'destroys your body' ... haha... not really. The only thing it really visibly destroys is breasts. They enlarge..a lot. Thats why I was mentioning it as your after-kids superpower. Hips and waist area dont take that much of a hit if you take care of yourself and exercise after the birth. If memory serves me right most women gain only one or two cm of waist size due to pelvic bone expansion (1st child only of course).



EmoGlambertAspie
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31 Jan 2013, 10:27 pm

It can stretch the skin of your stomach and your vagina too, but my boyfriend said if we have kids he'll pay for whatever surgeries it takes to make me feel better about myself (he didn't suggest them - I mentioned it). But anyway. I know the boobs thing is a stereotype but it still bothers me. :?


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31 Jan 2013, 10:52 pm

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
It can stretch the skin of your stomach and your vagina too, but my boyfriend said if we have kids he'll pay for whatever surgeries it takes to make me feel better about myself.


true but those are not visible when clothed. Im thinking 'figure' wise.

Quote:
But anyway. I know the boobs thing is a stereotype but it still bothers me. :?


Understandable and unavoidable. Its something you do need to try and not let it control you. :)



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01 Feb 2013, 12:33 am

Quote:
withholding sex for an extended period of time for any reason besides being physically crippled (and that doesn't include pregnancy) is considered emotional abuse


That type of reasoning is just scary.
Noone is owed sex. Saying that withholding it is "emotional abuse" is a form of coercion.
If someone is that desperate for sex that they turn into a whimpering mess without it, they are free to leave the relationship and seek it elsewhere.
Blackmailing their partner into by claiming "emotional abuse" is creepy.


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EmoGlambertAspie
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01 Feb 2013, 12:40 am

Well he does owe it to me to make me feel like he wants me sexually. I told him if he plays that game, no matter - I'll just set up a separate bedroom for him, not hold, kiss or give him any other physical affection, and look for it somewhere else. I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't want to do.


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Greatsharkbite
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01 Feb 2013, 3:31 am

EmoGlambertAspie wrote:
@Greatsharkbite He's 23 and has never had a girlfriend before to learn what does/n't hurt a girl if you say it. As far as what you said about kids, I'll still want to have sex - being a mother does NOT give one an excuse to neglect her husband. :)


I agree. It doesn't give an excuse to be neglectful in a relationship and if they hope to keep the other happy they'd better be attentive enough. I was more suggesting its way too early for you guys to have kids. Also--as far as planning kids--there needs to be an actual plan to take care of any kids you guys have together, who's working, who's staying at home, working out a budget as far as expenses and finances go.

The frustration that your experiencing now with your boyfriend will not get easier because you have kids, no it'd get much more difficult.

I agree with Who_Am_I's last post, it is a form of coercion. If he was shallow about it, i'd be on your side entirely. "Oh, he doesn't want to have sex because your gaining weight due to pregnancy? He needs to grow up." The fact you know he isn't shallow, is putting undue pressure on him.

He owes it to you to makes it feel as if your wanted is partially true--but you must also be receptive of the effort he's already giving.

If I had any advice, it'd be to almost center yourself and make a note of not only the things you want but the things you have. If you believe your bf desires you, your self esteem issue (as far as he is concerned) is to a point; irrational.

You by your own admission believe him to be a good guy. You by your own admission trust him enough to have in my opinion the most important responsibility a human can give to another--parenting their child. What harm he's done is not a lot compared to the amount of good he brings to your life-- Your own admission otherwise you'd have left him already.

You need to stand back a little and focus on the things you have. You seriously don't want to try the coercion thing, it risks a relationship. It goes this way; He doesn't want to sleep with you because your pregnant, you retaliate by not ever kissing him. He then retaliates by not speaking to you, you retaliate by leaving the house and finding someone else, he gets another girl pregnant.. and so on. These are examples but coercion makes things progressively worse--not better and its the last thing you suggest to fix something, if ever. If he wasn't shallow and was worried about the baby, simply explaining it wouldn't harm the baby would've been a better solution.

If your confident about most things concerning yourself, if you have a great guy your in love with (I'm assuming you love him), you're not in a bad spot. But if this behavior continues, it could very well make you lose these things and put yourself into a bad spot.



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01 Feb 2013, 3:48 am

To clarify, I'm not pregnant yet and honestly don't want children. This is kind of a worst case scenario.


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Greatsharkbite
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01 Feb 2013, 3:59 am

Oh okay, sorry I misinterpreted what you were saying then. I know you said you kinda feared having kids but I assumed it was only because he said he wouldn't have sex if you were pregnant.