Apathy, desperation, and writing

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I'm kind of annoyed. I have two friends (and one acquaintance who is indifferent to me one way or the other). One of them is my sister, one of them is this guy I met online a while back. That's it. I can't talk to them all the time. They don't care about most of the stuff I care about.

I had an awesome friend. She started taking college classes, though, effectively dropping out of high school. We don't see each other often anymore. She was the only one who, I won't say "understood me", but... she was the only one I could talk to on a daily basis about the things I cared about. We had enough in common for it to not be a big deal.

I really, really, really like analyzing characters, down to little details that seem meaningless and boring to others. I like picturing them in hypothetical situations that are completely irrelevant to anything. It's great fun for me. Nobody else seems to see it that way. Maybe it's because I'm a writer, maybe it's because I'm AS, I have no clue.

I'm alone now. I'm not so much sad as I am empty. Why is it that the rest of the world feels so meaningless in comparison to characters and stories? Obviously, I'm escaping. That's not the whole story though. I don't know... all I do know is, I'm not willing or able to make friends. Not right now. It's too hard to go through the motions, pretending to be interested in whatever inane thing they're spouting. And the sad thing is, they'll feel the same way about me. They'll think the way I go on and on about characters is inane, and not something to be bothered with.

But with my old friend... she didn't care. She was a writer, too. I don't know... god, I miss her.

I can't really cry anymore. I feel hollow. Feelings are like echoes to me. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if there's anything I can do about it. I just want a friend. I want someone to talk to that genuinely enjoys talking to me, and someone I enjoy talking to. I want to talk about video games, and books, and anime, and all manner of geeky things with them, I want to talk about writing, and psychology, and just general weirdness... I want someone like her again.

And let's not get started on my prospects for romance... I'm in love with my friend (the one that isn't my sister, obviously), but at the same time, I know I only feel that way towards him because he accommodates and enables me. I can vent to him whenever I want, about whatever I want, and he'll still like me. I can hurl insults him and show him my worst and he'll still like me. He's still my friend after everything I've gone through. I really wish I had more female friends... then maybe I could start crushing on them instead.

Anyway... yeah. Whatever. I don't expect anyone to care, and I don't expect this problem to go away. Probably, what's going to happen is, once my sister or I move away, we'll stop speaking with each other regularly. Eventually, my friend and I will drift apart. And I'll be alone, completely alone this time.

I guess, I could always just lose myself in my characters instead. They tend to be better people than I.

This may not make much sense, but I think people are willing to be bored together with someone than to be alone occassionally. It helps more than anything just to have someone who is there that cares about you.

It is hard to go through the motions, but some people won't expect that of you as well.. or they will once in a while, but for the most part just expect you to be yourself.

Could you call your sister or talk through email after either of you move? Keeping in touch is difficult but possible.

If it makes you feel better I am also sure there are people who care.

I analyze the video games I play, settings of the animes/ books I read ( nonfiction), and sometimes plot if I can understand it to further the construction of my world.



Not the best answer I am going to provide, nor can I really sympathize but i can empathize. I don't know if am not trying to make friends or not able to, and i do not want to practice my social skills on strangers because it would be wasting their time and my track records end in both parties upset, freaked out, or offended. I am just trying to get into my younger mindset where I actually get tasks done and forget relationships completely but it is very tempting to connect with people. (puberty screwed me over, not looks but mentally) Maybe you just need to get in touch with the part of yourself that was experiencing the best time of your life.



I too can relate to this but to deal with my feelings I created constructs in my imagination to vent, criticize my actions, improve myself, and sometimes dig myself deeper into a mental meltdown.( I can't have physical meltdown anymore due to a confusing and dreadful event) I rather talk about objects of interest rather than my own feelings. I only use my personal experiences to make comparisons and references.



Can't help you there.



first off, if you don't expect anyone to care then why did you post? Unless you just want to read what people think about your situation. Second, DO NOT STOP SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER REGULARLY. Just because they are Neurotypical doesn't mean they will Initiate a conversation! I lost possibly the two best (and only)friends I will ever have to their girlfriends because I was too much of a "push over" to suck it up and tell them "hey I still exist and I want to have some bro time with you." and now I got... me, myself, and I.

I don't quite have the energy to respond to anything else, but there is something I want to clarify:

Because I wanted to. Because why not. I don't expect anyone to care, no, because it is incredibly difficult to care about the problems of strangers. That's all.

I will never understand people... I make sure every post I make has a purpose, not to vent or boost my ego. I help others cause I care for my fellow humans and it also helps forget about my problems.

Um...

Sorry to un-dissapoint you, but isn't that what love is supposed to be like?

And that's all well and good for you. I'm not really venting or trying to boost my ego. I just wanted to say something. I'm even fostering a little hope that something someone will say will lend me some insight. It's happened before. Either way, I shouldn't really have to justify it, as this is Haven.


Hah, I guess. It wouldn't work out, though, for numerous logistical reasons. I'm not really sure I want it to work out, strangely enough. That part of my post was a petty rant more than anything else.

Aaand, now I'm in the mood for addressing one of the other points brought up: I'm sure my sister and I will still talk to each other once we're out of the house (which won't be happening any time soon anyway). I suppose what I was really trying to convey was that I am dependent on a dangerously small number of people for emotional fulfillment (which they don't even provide anyway).

Well, once you sort out your feelings and figure out if you really love him or not, try considering the possibility ;P

If distance is a factor, Skype can help with that XD.

Yes this is haven so ranting is justified. Did i offer any insight or was it more of ranting on about my experiences? (most likely the latter)

No, but thank you very much for replying. Same goes to Greatsharkbite and Zodai.

Always glad to help ;P

Although now I'm curious, why wouldn't you want the relationship to happen?

It'll certainly help you feel better XD.

Because we have next to nothing in common, and I can't stand exposing myself physically to him (via voice/video chat, not in a sexual way). I don't love him for him, I love him for me. I don't know how he feels on the subject (in his words, he loves me platonically because it's unrealistic, not because he's not interested). Sometimes, I wonder if he likes me because he gets a kick out of the power he exerts over my emotions. If that's truly the case, I don't blame him, since my reason for liking him is equally unhealthy. Neither of us can adequately explain it.

Beyond that, I'd rather be with a girl (though it's not a dealbreaker for me; just another reason to add to the pile).

This could be your problem. Loneliness is one thing, but complete fulfillment from an external source is another. Maybe step back to figure out what your searching for, but I get the feeling it's not going to be from someone else.
I've been alone for a long time, and have come to an uneasy peace with it. I'm not isolated-- I have my family so I'm luckier than many. I know for me it's hard when you taste an effortless connection, even very briefly and it is just an oasis in the desert. When it breaks it's very difficult, but probably a big AS reality.
I think GreatSharkbite had a very good point. There seems to have to be a willingness to be bored and listen to inanity for the sake of company. It's a show of interest in their life that is echoed back towards you. It took me three decades to realize this, and I don't do well at it but I'm trying to improve. I kind of see it as scaffolding to connect people, it's just that everyone has these effortless carpentry skills and I'm over here whacking my thumb instead of a nail.
I don't understand why you feel like a bad person. Make sure the measuring stick you're using isn't at an impossible height. Remember that more people may care about you than you think, but until you genuinely care about you it's never enough.
I think I'm done rambling. I hope it made some sense.

Well there's plenty of females around our age on these forums that even offered to chat with other teens. /(=_=)\ If I didn't offer any insight then what use was my presence in the first place? Guess I'm better helping adults than teens.

I don't quite understand the issue here. Are you frustrated? I can't really tell, as we are communicating through a text-based medium. I definitely appreciate your attempts to help me. They're just not what I need right now (I think, I could be wrong).

@MjrMajorMajor: Thank you for the advice. I've been wondering about whether or not it'd necessarily be a bad thing if I were alone. I wanted just that not so long ago. The answer will probably come to me in time. I'm still only 17 after all.

I'm a bit confused though. I do happen to think I am a bad person, but I don't think I expressed that in this particular post. Mainly, people don't care about the things I care about the same way I don't care about the things they care about. It's a rare event finding a kindred spirit (at least for me). I had that with my friend, but circumstance forced us apart.

She was the only one I really felt cared about the fact that I liked something. It could merely have been a delusion on my part. I'm not sure. I felt like an intriguing person with valid interests around her. I wish I could feel that way again with another person.

By the way, I've seen you around a lot, and I have to say, I really admire you. Thank you once again.

Just for clarification; what does this entail?

It's just that the phrase given seems like it might be misleading, given the previous discussion.