How do I get rid of my dad?

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abhma13
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18 Mar 2013, 4:13 am

I have had just enough of dealing with my father.

Earlier this month, when I had a bit of a brawl with my brother, he came up to me and he said the following thing - "Grandpa came up to me and said that I had posted something about something on Facebook that I got into the University of Tulsa". "You, know, I had just about the similar feeling that something like this would occur."
When my mother punished me for having a brawl with my brother, I said "that man is lying to you dad!" "I never said or posted anything like that!"
Then after that he proceeded to assault me physically, claiming that "I am the world's number one liar!"

Note that I never posted anything of a status update like that on my Facebook page, and all I ever did was simply like a page of University of Tulsa class of 2017. There is an obvious difference between announcing something on facebook compared to liking a page on Facebook. I deduced that my dad was either making the story up or exaggerating it, because my grandfather uses Facebook virtually 24/7 on his iPad and he should be smart enough to figure it out.

I decided to give my dad the cold shoulder for 15 days straight because of this exaggeration/lie he made, and my mother said that I know that your dad is an old cranky individual who has a lot of temperament problems, and he's a bit too close to your grandpa and may 100% believe what grandpa has got to say.

Still convinced that my dad was making the story up/exaggerating it, I confronted my dad about this. He told me he was deeply sorry for what he did to me and that he still feels guilty about it today.
However, he still told me - "Oh you removed that status update before I could come home!" - Again, being delusional. I did tell him that I was sorry for having reacted saying "That man is lying to you dad!", because I was not in the correct mindset.
I did confront him and say that there is a difference between liking a page compared to announcing something on Facebook, and I said that I need to honestly know did you make the story up or did you exaggerate the story up.

He claimed that he had been having problems with his boss at the office, and that he was supposedly "hallucinating" over what really happened and admitted that he exaggerated the story. I then confronted him and said, why did you have to beat me up like that? He said "Oh, I can beat anybody without any reason. I can even beat you without a reason. I'm old enough." "And if you want proof that your grandpa called me, I can bring you my phonebill and throw it in your face."

I told him that I'm never forgiving him for this, and my dad said "BALLS TO YOU!"

How do I get rid of my dad? I've tried telling my mom, but she won't budge.



uwmonkdm
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18 Mar 2013, 7:14 am

did this seriously happen? ... :?



abhma13
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18 Mar 2013, 7:25 am

uwmonkdm wrote:
did this seriously happen? ... :?

Uh yes this did.
If this didn't happen I wouldn't be posting here.



uwmonkdm
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18 Mar 2013, 7:47 am

abhma13 wrote:
uwmonkdm wrote:
did this seriously happen? ... :?

Uh yes this did.
If this didn't happen I wouldn't be posting here.


Your dad sounds insane, delusional to the point of psychosis.. and abusive.
Your mother is clearly not going to stand up to him, if she has stayed with him for this long, he has her under control and scared of him.

You have a few options:
- Put up with it until you decide to leave or do something stupid
- Leave
- Call children's aid or whatever it's called in the states. The police? I dunno.

Sorry I thought you were trolling because of the "Balls to you" thing..



abhma13
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18 Mar 2013, 7:49 am

uwmonkdm wrote:
abhma13 wrote:
uwmonkdm wrote:
did this seriously happen? ... :?

Uh yes this did.
If this didn't happen I wouldn't be posting here.


Your dad sounds insane, delusional to the point of psychosis.. and abusive.
Your mother is clearly not going to stand up to him, if she has stayed with him for this long, he has her under control and scared of him.

You have a few options:
- Put up with it until you decide to leave or do something stupid
- Leave
- Call children's aid or whatever it's called in the states. The police? I dunno.

Sorry I thought you were trolling because of the "Balls to you" thing..


Haha it's ok.
Thank you for the advice.



Ilka
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18 Mar 2013, 1:52 pm

How old are you? The two times my father tried to hurt me without justification I fought back. The first time I pushed him (he fell, 'cause he was drunk), and then I ran and locked myself into my bedroom. The second time he had his hand around my throat. I held his hands and pushed back as hard as I could. In that moment I took the decision od moving out. I was 23 back then. I just found a place and moved out. And did not return home until 5 years later. If you are old enough and/or can support yourself, you better run. He is telling you to your face he can hurt you and there is nothing you can do about it. If you are a teenager, you better limit your interaction with him as much as possible and avoid been alone with him. Study hard so you can get a good job and move out.



Keni
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18 Mar 2013, 3:00 pm

Is your mother aware of this? What are her reactions?
Will she support you in negotiating with him?
You had a physical fight with your brother and were punished, did you instigate violence on someone smaller and weaker than you, and your father (wrongly) retaliated on his behalf?

If this is a single occurrence, it might be helpful to commit to a "no violence ever in this family" rule.
I am in no way condoning your Father's behaviour.
It sounds unlikely that he will suddenly disappear, though, and unless you have the resources to leave, you need a strategy to solve the problem.



Keni
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18 Mar 2013, 3:03 pm

Oops sorry I just noticed you have tried talking with your mother.
Perhaps rather than getting her to "take sides" you could ask her to help with a new start for everyone getting along.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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18 Mar 2013, 5:40 pm

Is there an Aunt, Uncle, grandparent, older sibling, who you could stay with for a while?

And about some of the above advice, I am very much in favor of good jobs and advancement, but . . . it's all percentage baseball especially with the current economy. I mean, this kind of advice can be a lot easier said than done.



uwmonkdm
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18 Mar 2013, 8:49 pm

Keni wrote:
Oops sorry I just noticed you have tried talking with your mother.
Perhaps rather than getting her to "take sides" you could ask her to help with a new start for everyone getting along.


He's physically abusive toward his children, what makes you think the wife doesn't get it too? No one wants to stand up to the abuser in the family household, especially the wife.. she's probably the most terrified..
"A new start for everyone getting along" ... lol, I wish we all lived in your land of fairy tales my friend.



uwmonkdm
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18 Mar 2013, 8:50 pm

Keni wrote:
Oops sorry I just noticed you have tried talking with your mother.
Perhaps rather than getting her to "take sides" you could ask her to help with a new start for everyone getting along.


He's physically abusive toward his children, what makes you think the wife doesn't get it too? No one wants to stand up to the abuser in the family household, especially the wife.. she's probably the most terrified..
"A new start for everyone getting along" ... lol, I wish we all lived in your land of fairy tales my friend.



Nonperson
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19 Mar 2013, 12:16 am

How old are you?



abhma13
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19 Mar 2013, 12:28 am

Nonperson wrote:
How old are you?


I'm 18.



Keni
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19 Mar 2013, 12:51 am

uwmonkdm wrote:
Keni wrote:
Oops sorry I just noticed you have tried talking with your mother.
Perhaps rather than getting her to "take sides" you could ask her to help with a new start for everyone getting along.


He's physically abusive toward his children, what makes you think the wife doesn't get it too? No one wants to stand up to the abuser in the family household, especially the wife.. she's probably the most terrified..
"A new start for everyone getting along" ... lol, I wish we all lived in your land of fairy tales my friend.


I repeat, I don't condone violence. I assume that Abhma is not in a position to leave, or he would have asked the best way to do that instead of getting rid of his father.
I also noticed he speaks of sibling violence preceding the event, in which he was an active participant.
He does not mention this episode of his father assaulting him as a recurrence, so I assumed it was the first time.
It is possible for families to discuss, relate, forgive and move forward with new behaviour guidelines.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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19 Mar 2013, 5:29 pm

Hi, you did not make a moral mistake regarding your father's apology, but you may have made a strategic mistake.

He definitely has his issues, is a wounded person, and apparently that's all the apology he can make. And yes, he did make it worse offering this pathetic excuse of trouble at work. He is an adult. It is his responsibily not to take work problems home and inflict them on his children.

All the same, whatever partial apology he's able to make, try and accept it and focus on moving forward.

The person who talks about moving forward is correct. Even though the tendency is for violence to happen again.

Plus, parents waging war on their own teenagers and young adults, it's such a common baseline, I almost think there's something biologic about it. Not every parent does this, but many do (probably a minority of 30 to 40%).

Let me pitch an idea at you and see what you think. What if you find a boxing teacher and say you want to learn self-defense in a way which causes the minimum injury to the other person, and the person in mind is your own father. And if this instructor seems interested, maybe say you want to talk with him or her one more time before beginning training.

And that way, if you pick up on that this person is not likely to be very helpful, you can look for another teacher. And a lot of boxing is good solid blocks. But, very importantly, do not humiliate your father for that will likely only make things worse. Standard good self-defense like in a barrroom fight is a good quick jab to the rib cage, which might partially take the wind away and yelling, That's enough. Even that might humiliate your father and he might think he "lost" the fight and then think of retaliation. Even blocking blows in a showing-off way where he's your puppet, that's not so cool either. Hopefully, it won't come to this, but if it does, you want to be very matter-of-fact about it. Maybe also putting your hand on his diagonally opposite shoulder and pushing away. Medium, not showing off, even with that.

And please don't take a bunch of blows to the head during training because all that stuff about post-concussion syndrome is largely true. And an instructor needs to understand that. And just like American football helmets don't really protect, presumably neither does boxing headgear.

And also, try and be a low-key and matter-of-fact voice of sanity for your brother and any other siblings you have, and maybe also for your mother. It is a diffficult, unfair situation. Consider us here at WP as one available resource.