Hating my Aspergers and jealousy.

Post Reply New Topic

We had a huge argument about it today and he almost left because of my "insecurities" and that I "don't trust him." I pointed out the time when we were first together and he asked me not to slap my gay friends' bottoms, sit on their laps or greet them with cheek kisses. Even though none of us would date each other, it made him uncomfortable. In this way it's similar to his porn problem - I know he'll never get with those women because he doesn't know them but it's a matter of respect and not hurting me. He said I made a good point bringing it up and seemed to calm down afterward, like it "clicked" in his head.

I think you did the right thing. It isn't so much what the behavior is that is causing you distress in a relationship, it is the response of the person who is causing it. If their response is supportive and understanding, then you can go on to come up with a win win solution. But if the way is blocked by accusations of jealousy or defensiveness, then it is really hard to move past it. If he values his relationship with you, he will have to learn that it is give and take, and compromise. I'm assuming you don't live together? Because in that case, he should look at whatever he wants in his own place, and respect your wishes when at your house.

So far you've dismissed all of his complaints because you don't want to change... you like slapping and kissing the other girls so it's not a big deal to you that it bothers him.

Yet it bothers you deeply that he might even accidentally glance at another woman for fear he's lusting after her.

I applaud the fact you started the thread acknowledging this in yourself... don't backtrack now when people who don't know the story start calling him "bad" to back you up. Be strong and do the difficult thing which is to improve yourself rather than force those changes on him. After months and months of this, your relationship has got to be hanging by a thread! He can't be the only one expected to change himself.

You can do it... made the start back on page one. It's hard to break brain-habits and familiar thought patterns but it takes time, effort and discipline. Keep going!

It WASN'T girls! It was gay guys and I DID stop in respect for him. Also @Geekonychus, it bothered me that hr thought other women were better than me, more beautiful and that I wasn't enough. After arguing with him over and over about it he's sort of convinced me that ISN'T why he watches porn - he almost started crying the other night on the phone listing all the things I can do that porn can't, and told me he only thinks about getting off when he watches it. I'm still very hurt though and feel the opposite of sexy or attractive around him. I feel homely and second choice, as if the only reason he isn't with one of them is that he doesn't know them. Alsthough I did talk to a friend of mine and he pointed out that I'm lowering myself and insulting my boyfriend if I think that way, as if I'm only good for sex and he's using me only for sex.

Sorry - I must've missed that part if it was written in there. Still, I hope you can somehow get control of those rampaging emotions - they're really damaging your health and self-esteem.

Allowing your brain to constantly dwell on the negative possibilities of other people is generating hatred for them, despite the fact they haven't done anything anywhere except in your head! Over time, whipping those emotions around gets really toxic, both physically and emotionally. I used to do it all the time, too. It's called "stinking thinking". Only you can make the change though... remind yourself he hasn't actually done anything and you shouldn't assume anything. Heck, make it a chant to stop the pattern "Don't assume, don't assume, don't assume!"

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kcbglml9KRo[/youtube]

You have a good point, BlueMax (also: LOVE the avatar! One of my favorite movies and favorite kids' books - I know the first few pages by heart!). I think from now on I just have to try to trust him to be truthful especially after he almost left me,asking why he should be with me if I don't trust him. I do, and I know he just lied to protect me. To be honest I'm surprised he didn't dump me for saying he only lied to get in my pants, especially because he said stuff like "If you're gonna make such a big deal out of this, dump me," "Drop it before I drop you" and, after I told him I felt like he cheated on me and wanted to go have sex with those other women like a typical man, "If that's how you feel I'm better off alone" and that for the past couple weeks he's been under stress from finals and I've been "a thorn in [his] side". I'm happy he's still with me after all this and is willing to wait it out. I guess that alone shows I'm worth more to him than some porn woman.

That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about - assuming the absolute worst of people and punishing them for what's going on in your head, rather than their actual actions. ESPECIALLY the "typical man" mindset which your mom programmed into you. Why would any man want to stick around if your default mindset is that "all men are pigs"? (Or something like that.) That kind of thing really spills out into every facet of one's life and colours every word and deed. The socialite NT's especially notice this sort of thing, even if they can't explain it.

Somehow, you need to re-train your brain to not think so... hostile towards your BF or all men in general! Heck, I think I remember you assuming all women were out to steal boyfriends like yours... this "assume the worst" outlook may go way beyond thinking men are uncaring sex-mongers.

Trust me, it's easier to fix this problem now than in 20 years where I am now! (My mom is 30 years older still and there's no hope in heaven or hell to change her opinions on ANYTHING!)

I know I seem to come down on you - I'm not trying to be a mean-spirited jerk... but I know from my own life and those around me, how the way a person thinks affects those around them. People like me more these days, thanks to no longer seething to myself in anger over rotten things people have done to me (or, more often, what I imagined they were thinking when they did them.)

I have no idea what people think if they don't tell me. Assuming the worst and getting angry is like taking a swig of poison and hoping the other guy gets sick from it!

I kind of understand why my mom feels that way though. She was divorced twice and my father, who she never married, bailed once she found out she was pregnant (hence my negative attitude towards pregnancy). And don't worry - you don't come across as a jerk to me at all. They say a real friend tells you what you DON'T want to hear.

I really feel for you EmoGlambertAspie, I really do. I know almost exactly how you feel - angry, upset, irrational.

I can't give any adivce. All I can do is say that I know how you feel and I hope one day we can both feel better.

If I were in your shoes though I would have left my boyfriend long ago. I would have really turned the anger in on myself.

I honestly almost feel bad because I only come on here to complain when we fight - I don't talk about how 95% of the time everything is great. How every time he sees me it's like we're meeting the first time, how he puts up with an odd kink of mine, and most of all the fact he is so committed to me I think it hurt his feelings as much as mine when I confronted him about the porn. He has stressed repeatedly when I go to him with worries about stuff that he only wants to be with me his whole life (I'm his first girlfriend). I guess I ought to give him more credit.

For a start I thought you were being a bit precious complaining about games of throne, but I can see porn is the next level up so I think that makes it a bit different.

Your problem lies as you said it yourself with your insecurities.

Ask yourself this question. Would it bother me if he watched porn and I was 10 times more hotter, attractive than any other of the porn actresses?

I totally get how you feel a bit rejected that he is watching porn. But on the other hand guys really like porn...

I'm really not sure with this. Like why does he need porn if he is with you? You don't trust him, but you could be predjudice against guys in general. But you do have intuition, but he was crying, so is sincere.

I think you should tell him it is ok if he watches porn and maybe watch some porn yourself that you are really into. See if you can see things from his point of view. Also maybe he wouldn't like you watching porn so he could understand your side.

I used to watch schoolgirl/teacher stuff and it didn't bother me how pretty the girls were. This was before I was with him. I just noticed they were jaw-dropping gorgeous. Now that I know he watches it it hurts because I know to a man, compared to a pornstar I'm...well...plain. I already asked him how he would like it if I masturbated to and wanted a ten incher because he's insecure about his and he CLAIMED it wouldn't bother him. So there's no way I can hurt him back like he did to me.

You don't want to hurt him back anyway, you want him to try to understand a little bit from your perspective how your feeling. Also I believe he's a good guy in this respect because to be honest--this is the type of understanding relationships need. He's giving it-- and he tries to accomodate your needs. Some of the stuff you guys say in your arguments, unfortunately are immature things that many people have said in the course of relationships.

Your quickest fix--is to work on your own issues before you work on his. This whole "typical man" mentallity if inherited from your moms prior experiences is probably the most negative thing you could've picked from them. Yeah.. sometimes men are jerks--so are women sometimes. There is nothing unique gender wise to trusting people--at all. Yeah, men have left pregnant women alone-- but there are also stories of women bailing their kids and leaving them with the guy.

His perspective possibly from your perspective could be more sensitive--but this also is possibly a situation you can grow from. How? Stop comparisons--they're so off there's no doubt that pornstars are not the only ones your comparing yourself to. Your self-image isn't kind of negative--its totally negative. It doesn't matter if there are certain parts of yourself you like or if its just one body part you hate-- you devalue yourself as a whole because of it.

Your bf does not have to reveal any of this stuff to you--he does not have to date you--the fact you don't think there are women who measure up to porn stars (Who wants to?) isn't a good mentallity. The fact that you think your bf only has access to women who look a certain way, isn't a good mentallity and is downplaying him. The fact you don't think he's dating someone who he deems physically attractive or of worth--is downplaying both of you. I don't know if your bf is being as sensitive as he should--but you stepped into this relationships with these issues in your back pocket. You need to work on them more.

If porn or naked women on tv is something you cannot stand in a relationship--you owe it to him and yourself to be honest and tell him you can't be in a relationship where your partner does these things, but the moment it turns away from him oggling chicks on a screen and turns back into your own insecurities which includes your inability to trust him--expect to not enjoy his company any longer.

I talked to him earlier and told him I'm sorry because I really don't want to be the henpecking woman telling him what to do, but that this porn thing is really bothering me and I can't go every day wondering if I should gain weight/did something wrong/he's bored of me/etc.and asked him if he could cut back to maybe once a week and/or if we're supposed to see each other and something happens, instead of nearly every day. He said of course he can do that and that he'll eventually try to stop because he knows not everyone uses it. I think it's kind of a habit he has because he was single for so long - we got together when he was 23 and I'm his first. Either way, I appreciate him bring so understanding. We reached a compromise to make us both happy. Also, it comforted me that he'd been lying about it this whole time to protect my feelings; I initially believed he stopped when we got together and started again recently because of something I did/said/he was bored of me/etc.

I'm so glad you worked through it!

Wow. I have been through the exact same thing, the exact same mind-trap. I could never understand what made it different than cheating, and I finally had enough and left. It's just something I can't get past and I had such breakdowns over it that I was much happier alone. I can't explain to anyone, or ever have been that feeling that jealousy was and still is the worst, ugliest feeling I've ever had.

That all just came rushing back to me so hard that my hands feel a little bit numb.