Hating my Aspergers and jealousy.

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Wow. I have been through the exact same thing, the exact same mind-trap. I could never understand what made it different than cheating, and I finally had enough and left. It's just something I can't get past and I had such breakdowns over it that I was much happier alone. I can't explain to anyone, or ever have been that feeling that jealousy was and still is the worst, ugliest feeling I've ever had.

That all just came rushing back to me so hard that my hands feel a little bit numb.

@ceruleanblue I feel sad for you that it happened but it feels good to know I wasn't alone. I got past it by having a frank discussion with my boyfriend and trusting him when I told him to be honest about some things and asked him a series of questions, ending with what was he doingwith me of he could look at porn? He listed a number of things I can do that porn can't, such as hold him, talk to him and be there for him at stressful times. My mother is the same way you are and was disturbed and angry when I told her what was wrong. She felt like he has been faking this good little boy attitude since we got together and that she hates porn because it objectifies women. We had an argument about whether I have a problem with it or not and I told her I don't have an issue with it objectifying women due to several reasons and that the reason I objected is because I'm afraid men look at the women and compare them to their girlfriends/wives, wanting the porn stars and expecting women they date to look like them; that it sets an impossible standard in men's minds. I was also afraid it meant he wasn't happy with me. But after a series of arguments I know it isn't necessarily true for him.

I have seriously been looking for the answer to why I felt like that for years and years, all over the place but it seemed like I was the only one who took it that far.

EMG, I'm glad you found a compromise, that's awesome.

Hartz, you hit the nail right on the head. It's so hard for me, and was hard for me to deal with because I couldn't pin my feelings down and figure them out like a puzzle, it was pure, endless loop of irrational fear and anger that I was somehow being fooled by someone /again/ who I thought loved me. In my case, it turned out we just weren't good together for a lot of reasons/circumstances that had little or nothing to do with this issue.

This is why I really stay away from relationships, I feel like they make me a little ( a lot) crazy when I actually fall for someone, and if I don't fall for them, I feel too detached for things like this to bother me, but too detached to really be happy, either.

Long story short, it's an enormous relief to know that I'm not the only one who's felt exactly what EMG did, word for word. Thank you for sharing that, I feel much less freakish and strange for flipping out, even if that was a good ten years ago.

Again, I'm so, so, so relieved to hear that I'm not the only one.

In my case at least, I think it has to do with my black and white way of thinking about things. I only feel 'safe' if I have 100% certainty that whomever I'm dating will never be interested in anyone else, fictional, cartoon or otherwise. If I don't have that, I get jealous because there's always a possibility and it hangs over my head like a sword waiting to drop. Eventually I just can't stand the tension and the waiting to be left and I leave instead because I'm so worn out.

It's irrational, completely irrational, but when I'm actually in the situation, I can't stop thinking about things that way.

He came over last night and, after he suggested I install a filter on his computer to help him stop, I did so - but not before looking at two pictures from his history. One was a butt in yoga pants, the other a bare pair of breasts at least 1.5 cup sizes better than mine. I began crying uncontrollably and told him how he was a liar for claiming mine were perfect and saying yoga pants were distasteful. He made up a stupid excuse to protect himself about how he didn't want the pictures I'd sent him over the phone to be in his computer. I told him how I now know I'm not his ideal, that he wants those far more beautiful women in his computer and really wishes I had better breasts. After fighting about it for an hour he claimed again I was his ideal (after also telling me I should gain weight and get a bigger butt - then backtracking and claiming it was for my 'health'). I'm sick of all the lying. If he wants other women so much why doesn't he go be with them and stop emotionally abusing me? Now I'm worried my bottom isn't big enough too. To top it off he got upset and said I made him feel like a "piece of sh** stereotype" because I said all that, asked if he never loved me or wanted me (he claimed he does), asked how many times he'd been to strip clubs since we were together, and how many of those gorgeous girls in his ACS group he wanted or thought of hooking up with. HA! That's like smashing my heart with a hammer and complaining his arm hurts! He asked me a couple times last night why didn't I just dump him, and I told him it's because I love him and am not throwing away eight months. He claimed he loves me too and doesn't want me to leave him but that I seem to be wanting to. He didn't understand how hurt I was until I asked him all that stuff that almost made him cry! We ended up making up but if he pulls anything like this again I am DONE, and I warned him as such.

"Fool me once, I let you come home.
Fool me twice, now I'm letting you go"
- Boys Like Girls

"Fool me once,shame on you,
Fool me twice,shame on me."

Just food for thought.

I know how you feel. My only ex and I didn't last very long together for many reasons; one being that he got off on cartoon pictures of fictional chicks, often with animal features, and I felt as if he only wanted me for the sake of a relationship, or even worse, was going to make me dress as a fox or something if we ever got to the sexual stage, and the way he spoke to me so openly about his love of cartoon porn made me feel inferior.

I feel as if us AS girls in general are misunderstood by the boys... they think that we're all undersexed creatures, therefore they need to find an alternative source of sexual pleasure, but it ends up backfiring. Just my 2 cents though.

BTW I hate Game of Thrones too... read all the books during my brief fantasy phase, still don't mind them now, but I don't have the attention span to watch an ongoing TV series with episodes that are ~1 hour each, and the nudity can get really disgusting too.

My uy watching porn and all used to bother me so bad. Then I thought about it. My philosophy now is watch all the porn you want. Then on top of that, take your butt out there and try to get one of those porn girls. Try as hard as you can too.

Then see what happens.

That's what I'm saying. Cause it doesn't happen.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

@OliveOilMom The fact he looks at naked pictures of normal girls instead of fake actresses makes me feel the only reason he isn't physically cheating is that he doesn't know any of them in real life.

It's A and B, not meaning to brag. And I don't see what's so wrong with me being upset if he wants to have sex with another girl? Even my friend who's a psych major graduating today said I should be enough for my boyfriend and he shouldn't be thinking about wanting to f**k other girls. Again, a conniving, shallow behavior is supposed to be laughed off as "a guy thing!". What next? If he goes to a strip club and does everything but penetration should that be laughed off as "a guy thing!" too? What is too much?!