What might he mean?

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I am 23 years old, have aspergers and still living with parents and unemployed.

1 year ago we were having a family meeting and my brother said too my parents "you are terrified about how james will do in the real world", "there is no such thing as an easy job" and he then said too me "you might still be sitting in this house in the same situation when your 40." and he continued "I think your parents are waiting untill you are emotionally more developed to tell you the truth about how your future" My brother said too my parents also "you cage him up in this house all day like an animal"



What might my brother mean in more depth (esspecially the emotional part of the sentence) by "i think your parents waiting untill your are more emotionally developed to tell you the truth about your future? I am still very much dependent on my parents

It sounds like he may have meant that he thinks your parents have overprotected you to the point that you are helpless without them and that because of it your future is effected. He may have said that out of concern for you or maybe jealousy that he thinks your parents did more for you than for him.

Have you asked him what he meant?

Anyway i can counter the effect that my parents have had on me?

oh yeah and high

The only thing I can think of is by forcing yourself to be more independent. Find a job whether or not they want you to. Don't always just do what they say. You are a grown man and you can make your own decisions. I don't know your functioning level or what you can and can't do though, so I could be wrong. However, from what I understand, parents of special needs kids tend to be very overprotective many times. This can mean that kids who could have done more end up not doing more but it also means that kids who do need the support will get the support.

So, I don't know you all that well or your parents or your situation, so I can't say for sure. I know that I was overprotected (and back then we didn't even know I had AS) and I had a horrible time reaching escape velocity to get away from my mother. I would talk to a third party about this. Someone who knows you and your abilities and your situation and who can tell you honestly what you can and can't do.

Do you have a therapist that you go to at all? Maybe bring these things up with him and see what he thinks.

Oh, and hey!


ETA; One thing that a lot of parents do is they try and prevent their kids from ever being disappointed or from failing. Sometimes parents will try and keep you from trying something because they are afraid you will fail and if you do they think you couldn't handle the failure. If they have shielded you from that so far you may not know how to deal with failure on your own and it's something you will have to learn. Overprotected kids usually have very thin skins and are very much oversensitive, I know I was, and learning to toughen up emotionally is very difficult but it's also very important. As sensitive as I used to be there is no way I could have ever made it in the world. It's also a fine line between the sensitivity caused by being overprotected and the sensitivity caused by AS. If I had known I had AS I wouldn't have ever tried to do anything because I would have been convinced that I couldn't. Only you can know if your sensitivity to certain emotional things is caused by your AS or caused by not being exposed to them before. I suppose the only way to tell is to experience them and try to learn self control with it. If you cannot force self control, even after experiencing the thing several times, then it really may be your AS causing it and you may not be able to deal with that particular thing. Basically I guess it's just trial and error. And I can tell you from experience that it's gonna be more error than trial at first and for a little while there. But, going through that is what toughens you up.

Sensitivity is like feet. If you wear shoes and socks all the time, then when you go barefoot in the yard your feet will be hurt by rocks and prickles. When you walk on the street or sidewalk in the summer they will be burned by the heat. You won't have any callouses there to protect you, so your feet get torn to shreds basically at first. They have to heal and be exposed to the same thing over and over until they develop a thick layer of skin there where you can walk on just about anything other than broken glass and be ok. By the time you get to that point, your feet can withstand a whole lot, but getting to that point was pretty painful. That's how toughening up emotionally is. It's very painful to go through but you can't ever get any toughness emotionally until you do go through the pain. Unless you are a sociopath, sociopaths don't feel the emotional pain, but that's not what you are or what you want to be.

What do you mean by level of functioning?

I mean how effected you are by your AS. Are you high functioning, moderate functioning, low functioning? What difficulties do you have because of it and to what extent do those difficulties keep you from doing things other people your age do? If you were to be alone for an entire week, what would you be able to do for yourself and not able to do for yourself? Have you ever been told that you can't do something, so you never tried it to see for yourself if you were able to?

I get the impression that you are pretty unsure of yourself and that may be something that is holding you back.

my parents left me home for 2 weeks once when they travelled too new york, they left me loads of food so i did not have to go out shopping. In the time i was on my own i could cook for myself, do the basics of washing my clothes. I kept the house very tidy. of course though too keep a house running you need a JOB


i am off too bed now so might continue this chat by mail tommorow

I'm 40 and I live with my mother and I'm trying to get a job (I have an interview Saturday : ) ) I've been thinking of moving out on my own. My Mom is dead against it. Last time I lived alone, it was a disaster. But I'm doing a lot better now that I've found appropriate meds. The idea fills me with fear though. I'm not very good at "homemaking."

That's a fair statement. Tap into your local employment agencies and see if someone can help you obtain skills that can employ you. Start small .. work as a dishwasher. There's not a lot that can go wrong in that job and it may lead you into a new position within a restaurant (developing new skills). The Starbucks in my neighbourhood employs individuals with special needs. Try there.

Volunteer. This might be a good way to bridge between relying on mom/dad and a job of your own.

Just my interpretation - really, you should be asking your brother:

He thinks your parents worry about how you'll be able to take care of yourself and without them.


Every job requires a certain level of skill. He might be thinking it'll be hard for you to find a job you'll be successful at.


At the age of 40, you will still be unemployed and dependent on your parents.

He thinks your parents are being dishonest with you about what your future will look like. They are waiting for a time when you'll be ready to hear their truth.


Your parents are not encouraging you to grow as a person and intoducing you to new experiences.

I think your brother has a point if what he says is true. If you find yourself quite dependent on your parents, it will be hard to become independent. If you have a healthy relationship with your brother, maybe he can take you to an employment agency? If not, ask a social worker?

My dad is coming up too 55 and my mum has just turned 54. By the time I am 40 don't u think my parents will be too old to look after me? I am 23 years old currently.

Yes.
Didn't you look after yourself for 2 weeks? It's a start which means you are capable. You have, at the very least, basic life skills. These skills can be used in a job. You will unlikely land a high-paying position with great benefits, weekends off, etc etc - on your FIRST job.. so does it matter what that first job is? Whatever you decide to start off with is not going to be your life-long career - so try out for anything.

Tap into a professional that can help you. Will your brother help with organizing these contacts?

Maybe I could work at a call centre?

I haven't worked at one myself, but I've heard they are horrible. They monitor your calls and review them with you and stuff like that.

That might be good for you though .. gives you a chance to develop your phone skills.