Isolation, Lonely, Issues.. I don't know.

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Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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07 May 2013, 7:48 am

So recently I have been on the verge of severe depression, this is quite a long story and for me to make any sense of it to others I have to tell the whole story, so bear with me.

It started about 5 years ago...

I had recently started up a new relationship with a woman I had liked for a while, at this stage everything was brilliant, money, job, girlfriend, friends, family, what more could an aspie want (well i was content anyway)? We dated for about 6 months when her mood started to change, for one thing, she had a lot of issues that I was to find out shortly after dating her, the father was abusive towards women, her mother a bit of a gold digger, her sister avoided the house and the brother was failing at school because of the family issues, well the end result was both parents wanted to split, so understandably this upset my ex a lot, I tried to be very supportive of her but it didn't seem to do much because the problem was always there, the parents had no money to move out so the arguing was constant, even I heard many of the arguments they had. It got to the point that I trusted her enough to tell her about my AS, she understood this and said it didn't change what she thought of me, so I was happy with this.

At the beginning she would be quite interested in sex, in fact i think she used this as a release from all the stress at home, we took a small weekend break to see my friend up north which was good, but it was here she noted to me she sometimes has issues with sex, that it hurts too much or she feels unable to do anything because she is scared, well after we get back and spent some more time talking about it she told me her ex boyfriend cheated on her and she had a one night stand with his brother who had an STI which she contracted off him... I was a bit pissed off she didn't tell me this sooner.

Well she had gone to the clinic and everything was fine (I went anyway just to be sure) but it seemed a lot of her issues were related tot his and arguments at home, I encouraged her to seek help and we went to our GP where she was able to get counseling for her concerns, this would take a very long time, I remember nights where I would try to give her emotional support for hours before doing anything and nothing would work, there was improvements but not a lot (my sex drive is quite high, hers was very low). I felt maybe I was trying too hard, I left it for her to instigate something, 6 months without doing anything and I was quite frustrated; when I asked again after she reacted as if I was nagging her or forcing her into it (I would never do such a thing to anyone). In the meantime we would often see movies or go out to eat, I drove us everywhere and paid for everything because her job would only cover her travel and basic needs costs which her mother and father refused to help her with because she was an adult (they were too fixed on arguing anyway).

I felt that the environment was doing her no good, I suggested our very first holiday which she was more than happy to go on with me, now at the time she had finally qualified as a fashion designer but there were no jobs, so she was still stuck attending to people in movie screens. I wanted to take her somewhere really nice to show her how much I cared about her and what she meant to me, so we went to Mexico. It cost a lot, in the £1000's, I decided to use a proportion of my money I had saved up for a flat as a one off, she said she would pay me back as soon as she got a decent job so I accepted this. Now an every relationship has arguments so I am quite accepting of the odd one here and there, but I felt she was now arguing more than having fun; when we went on holiday and had a lot of time alone her attitude changed more, wanting me to pay for these additional add on trips and so on (I thought my money my rules), I decided we could see the Mayan Ruins because they looked interesting, it took a 3 hour bus ride to get there. We arrive halfway at a drop off point, they tell us we have about 15 minutes to go to this cave which people could swim in, a very natural setting. I can be quite fixated on time, I hate being late and getting wet and having to dry quickly really agitates me so I said to her she could go in if she wanted but I was going to give it a miss.

She becomes really angry and said if I didn't do it she would dump me here and now, I was really shocked, I didn't expect her to say such a thing, I felt like I had to because I didn't want to lose her so I did, I admit it was fun once I got in but it felt annoying afterwards due to the heat and wet patches on my swim underwear after drying off. Anyway we finally get off the bus at the last stop and arrive at the runes, they were amazing, I enjoyed it very much, the locals were selling lots of different things but notably some shiny gems (obviously not really ones but still looked nice) I wanted to buy them because I have a thing for buying odd things, she told me that it was a waste of money and would be annoyed if I did so again I left it.

I eventually came back home, despite the few things I noted I felt most of the holiday was ok, but when I got home I realized I had spent all of my money which I never end up doing (lucky for me pay day was the day after we arrived back int he UK). So I stated work again and we had this new person join us who was a very nice woman also, I often argued with my ex since we got back, as time passed on I kept think more about this woman at work and realized that I liked her a lot, this upset me a lot and I was quite angry with myself, trying to avoid her and do other stuff to get rid of these emotions but it didn't work well. My ex continued to shout and moan at me, I couldn't remember the last time she had said or done something nice for me, despite this I was still determined to make this work, at this stage she had got another job in Next which helped with paying back some money but not all of it, it was a this point she wanted to go on another holiday, I was quite skeptic because the last one hadn't been paid off but she insisted she would so I went along with it.

Now we went to Egypt this time, I wanted to see the pyramids and so did she so this worked well for us, thing is when we got there it must of been about midnight and we got into the room and we had booked two separate beds instead of the double by mistake, she blew her top off at this and ordered I go to reception and sort it out, I told her no that instead we could think about it tomorrow because I was tired and wanted to sleep, so we did.

The next day we decided to leave it as it was, it would cost more money and there was just no point, this was a beach holiday for the most part and I don't mind that, but again the bedroom remained a major issue, she argued that we shouldn't do that on holiday because we can do it at home but this was rubbish because we never did much at home anyway, I also caught the 'pharaohs wrath' which was just a nightmare the day before we flew out to see the pyramids, I couldn't eat anything all day because I was so ill and I also get travel sick and was sick on the plane which she had issues about, but I couldn't of stopped it even if I wanted to, but the pyramids were nice.

Almost the whole holiday including that day we argued, or rather she argued and I felt there was no need for it, this made me think more about that woman at work and less of her which also upset me, she knew something was up but I just told her I was upset with my dad and his heart condition which seemed to tide her off me for a bit. When we got back I met up with her about two days after and I was quite annoyed with everything she had put me though, I told her the 'attitude' had to stop otherwise I would call it quits, but still she went on at me for everything, from opening a door to placing bags on the bed I would end up doing something wrong, it got to a point where I had enough and broke it off with her at her house, I thought I felt better.

About 3 days passed before I became an emotional wreck, so much so I begged her to take me back which she did after much talking, that woman I had an interest in at work had a boyfriend which I found out soon after and I have always been skeptic of dating co workers, my feelings had subsided around the time of the brief split so I don't know why that was. So anyway we continue, I was very confused, I wanted to be with her and at the same time it felt really rough going because she would put me down all the time, I can't remember any positive comments at all from her after this, everything I did was an issue or a problem, well whenever she wanted something and I was hesitant or reluctant she would use the 'i'll leave you' routine' to win me over which made me feel trapped, she then went on about wanting to go to Thailand which I outright refused because she had not paid back the last two holidays, she shouted and swore at me over the phone about this, i put it on loud speaker so my dad could hear what I had been moaning about the last few months and he told me to stick to my guns which I was planning to anyway.

I go over to her house and she expects me to pay for this holiday, I say no an she starts swearing at me again, I told her if she does it again I'll leave the house and she says even worse stuff so I leave, she then plasters messages on Facebook saying how her boyfriend ruined her day and I felt guilty again, I didn't speak to her for a week because I was waiting for an apology when she rings me on the last day and complains I haven't spoken to her, I didn't feel the need to explain because I knew I had done nothing wrong and this time she says we must have a break which just upsets me even more, I tell her I'll do it but it really puts me on a spin wanting to call or see her in some way but forcing myself not to, about the third day in she rings me asking me to come over to the house which I do, she says she still loves me and wants to be with me which makes me happy but I note the arguing has to stop because it is getting out of hand which she agrees.

A few more months and we head out to the Olympics of 2012, again the whole day was spent doing more fighting than enjoying and it all seemed to be what she wanted and not what I wanted which made me feel angry. By this point she has 3 jobs with the third one a receptionist for a fashion company and pays a bit more of the first holiday but still nowhere near her half but it is coming in steady now, she agrees Thailand is too much and opts for Greece which for once she pays her half of it. We go there and the sun isn't shining and we had a couple of days rain which made her all upset and crying over it but I can't change the could to light so I just told her to enjoy the time that it wont always be like this which she does but makes a big thing about it.

Now her mood becomes really aggressive, she hit me twice which just made me blow my top, I sad she was never to do that ever again God forbid I don't know how I would react, I hate being touched without giving permission, she seemed to get this from her dad, her mother later on during this time makes her go to the bank to pay off her credit card loans and then uses the money she has free to go on holiday with a friend, I told my ex that that was rude of her mother because she should of started paying her back but she got annoyed with me about this so I kept it to myself.

She then talks about us moving out together, wanting me to move up to near her but I decline, I explain to her that it is not possible for me to move up near her because I would lose my job, also she wanted to work closer to London so it made sense for her to move near me which she didn't want to do either, she kept saying how her other friends had moved out and we should be doing the same, still I said no. I made a point to her the reason she wanted to move out was because of her family issues and not because she wanted to be with me, she didn't deny this but was angry I wouldn't find a place for us, she made no effort to look herself and just expected me to do everything but I was quite firm on this, despite being with her over 4 years to move in with her was a big choice to make.

The arguing just continues, I also end up having to do some night shifts and I get really cranky and distorted with my routine when this happens and she just kept going on at me like she wanted me to react, that's when I started to be rude to her, really gave her an earful which made her stop for a day or two, then I approached her knowing something was wrong asking why she had been so nasty. She then tells me she doesn't love me anymore, that she hasn't loved me for a while but instead didn't want to tell me because I would get hurt, well upon reflection I think this made it worse because the result of that was me saying some horrible things to her which really made her upset, thing is I didn't feel guilty as I believed those things had to be said after everything she was putting me through.

She then isolates herself and says I can't see her with her friends which infuriates me as some of those people were also my friends, she makes no effort to contact me so I am doing all the running around, I tell her not to play with my emotions otherwise it could cause another episode of depression which I wanted to avoid and she passed it off as me seeking attention, in the end I try to take her to a few places that we first went to at the beginning of our relationship to remind her of what was good between us and how things could be still if we tried, I wanted us to talk to some therapist but she declined saying this was only for people who were married which I thought was wrong but she didn't listen. My work starts becoming affected due to all the stress she puts me under but I still hold it together and try to be nice and show everything I have just to keep it going, she makes no effort to acknowledge what I am trying to do.

In the end she calls me over one day as usual but this time she says it's over, she really aggravated me because she told me she had not loved me for over a year but said I was the best boyfriend anyone could have which just messed with my head, doing night shifts at the time was also really bad because I had all night to think about it which just drove me mad.

I wanted to speak to my other best friend about it but then he tells me he is moving to Africa for life which just upsets me more, any friends I had with my ex lost contact with me and stick by her barring one individual who I see every now and then so long as she is not mentioned. We met up once a few months later because I was desperate to get back with her, but she tells me she went to America about two weeks after our split and completely forgot about me which just tore me up to think she could be or think like that after everything I had tried to do for her.

Then I go really hot and cold with her spending months at a time not talking then the odd occasion begging her to see me and her refusing to say yes or no, I then started to become unmotivated with everything and became suicidal, it was at this point I really needed help and went to see a counselor who I am still seeing for now, we explored a lot of issues including some abuse I experienced as a child which may have impacted on my need for this woman, it was all very messy stuff and still is but I have a better understanding of it now compared to then.

I went to my doctor also who said I may need an antidepressant for 3 months but I was very reluctant to this idea, I didn't like the thought of taking medication so he wants to follow up later after some weeks have passed and decide then. Also the friend I had a work no longer talks to me since an argument we had where she told me to get over it now and I had a real go at her for telling me how to behave, eventually I told some of my friends how I have been feeling which they were all shocked about because they didn't think I would feel so bad because of it, now my mother and father are overly concerned but I guess they would be and I understand that.

The only thing I feel I have going for me is the fact I may see my friend by the end of June in Africa which will be nice, I still have a lot of issues with motivation and sticking to a routine because of my work hours but I will talk to my manager about this later on I think that would be best. So now I am brought up to the present day; my friend who still has regular contact with her had invited us both to his birthday meal, but I have decided not to go because of her, I told him this and how I am still upset with her for not making any effort to contact or speak to me at all which he understands, so this coming Wednesday I will be doing agency work instead to try and keep my mind of everything, but really this is just too much for my liking, I really want that special connection with someone but I just feel I have no luck with my lack of social networks, and online dating is just too weird for me though I am doing it still.

So this is my main story, I hope this gives you an idea of what I may or may not be going through, I felt the need to share this story because keeping it all to myself is just not helpful at all, I can't stop hating and loving her at the same time and I just don't know where my priorities are except trying to keep work maintained, that is quite literally everything I have to say right now, but I am sure I will add more here if I need to.


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Ann2011
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07 May 2013, 8:41 am

Sounds like a toxic relationship. My goodness, she had sex with you without telling you about the STD and she hit you! I think you are far better off without her. But it's hard because nothing is ever all bad; and when you are away from someone, it's easy to just remember the positive. Hang in there . . . you sound like a great catch. Someone with a higher percentage of positive will come along.



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07 May 2013, 9:31 am

Ann2011 wrote:
Sounds like a toxic relationship. My goodness, she had sex with you without telling you about the STD and she hit you! I think you are far better off without her. But it's hard because nothing is ever all bad; and when you are away from someone, it's easy to just remember the positive. Hang in there . . . you sound like a great catch. Someone with a higher percentage of positive will come along.


+1



catwhisperer
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07 May 2013, 10:55 am

It sucks when relationships don't work out, and I can relate.... That annoying emotional pull to have the person back when it would be better for us in the long run if we could forget that toxic person. Obviously the ideal relationships should be based on respect, reciprocity, and understanding. Idk how much of her parents issues affected her, but it sounds like she was trying to get you to fix her unhappiness. Its just not worth it to be with someone who is unhappy all the time and I know from experience that the pain of the loss can sometimes get us to forget that. But the thing is, there are nice people out there who are seeking another nice person.



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08 May 2013, 12:52 am

I appreciate the comments made, I guess part of it was me wanting some clarity from others that there can be a positive outlook on these things, being depressed does not help when you are trying to move on so it sometimes takes others to point it out for you.

Looking back at what I have written I would have to agree about the 'toxic relationship' suggestion, it was very one sided.


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11 May 2013, 2:32 am

This sounds SO much like what I went through with my ex-wife. Absolutely toxic, everything was always all about her. If I ever wanted to do anything but give her my undivided attention and every cent I had, all hell broke loose. Whatever you do, please don't get back together with her, because her abusive behavior will only get worse over time. There are other fish in the sea, much better than her. Trust me.


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Nambo
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11 May 2013, 5:42 am

Thank you God for never answering my prayers to have a girlfriend.



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11 May 2013, 9:33 am

It was very toxic. I mean I will say.. you've probably learned some things from this relationship that will help you to not make some of the same mistakes. Keep in mind.. arguing is normal in relationships, but swearing at each other or hitting someone is not. Its abusive, verbal and physical.

One of your statements.. i'm not sure if there's information missing here but the whole wanting to take her on a trip to show her how much she meant to you is suggestive of it being a gift, not a loan. Unless you meant--the time spent on the vacation is how you wanted to show her that.

The biggest mistake someone goes through with a break up is relying on emotions for your decision making. A healthy relationship perseveres, allows forgiveness and also compromises to make their partner happy.

Anyway, you're not kind of better off--you're way better off. This person is harmful to you. Don't contact her under any circumstances, the slightest promise of change will sway you, no matter how false that promise is. Almost everyone does this after a break up.



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12 May 2013, 10:04 am

Greatsharkbite wrote:
Don't contact her under any circumstances, the slightest promise of change will sway you, no matter how false that promise is. Almost everyone does this after a break up.


Well I did do this to begin with and you were right about it making things worse, it was very difficult for me to contain my emotions after what happened and it just felt like I had no control over the situation, deleting her phone number was the most difficult thing I had to do with regards to this situation because my emotions kept dragging me back.

I always heard a lot of stories about how some women/men would do these things then leave you at the end, the thing is it wasn't until the separation that I was able to take an outside view of it and realize what a horrible situation it was for me, to think I put up with that for 4 years is beyond me, it was my first long term relationship so I guess I lacked the insight with regards to how to manage that scenario, since then my choice in women has been very strict and I guess I am learning to accept myself more for who I am rather than try to change myself for other people just to make them happy at my expense.


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