Hiding my Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

Right now I'm trying to improve my ability to hide my Asperger's syndrome. I used to be pretty severe and obvious when I was a kid. I had a lot of verbal ticks, which worked super hard to suppress. They were gone when I turned eleven. Another problem I had was hitting people. Since I always felt guilty and got punished for it, I learned to suppress that as well.
I've improved a lot since then, but I still have a long way to go. When I was younger other kids used to call me a ret*d and they treated me like one as well. Now that I'm acting more normal no one calls me a ret*d anymore. There is still a few people that treat me differently, but I usually avoid talking to them. A lot of the people that treat me differently are "concerned" about me.
I don't have too many problems with eye contact, but my voice gets monotone and ret*d sounding when I'm tired and stressed. I'm trying to work on that. I really hate my voice. Another problem I have is the constant need to move around. It's very annoying and I tend to move around a lot if I'm stressed. I'm also pretty rude to people when I'm tired and stressed. I also don't have any friends. I did have a few friends when I was a kid, but I think they only made friends with me because they enjoyed taking care of me, if you know what I mean. It has payed off because people are starting to treat me like a human being. It would be ideal if I could pass as normal. My goal is to pass as ADHD by the time I'm an adult. I'm seventeen right now.

One thing that helps with hiding my Asperger's is not trying to look straight. Even though it's pretty easy compared to hiding my AS. I don't enjoy hiding my sexuality because it makes me feel like I'm a ret*d. When I'm not hiding my sexuality I feel way more mature and happy. It also feels more natural to hide my Asperger's and it also seems like my social skills improve a lot. I also don't feel the need to stim as much. The main reason I hide it is because I'm not sure of my sexuality. If I knew what the hell it was I would stop hiding it and just come out.

Overall, you don't sound like you're bad as a person or your methods for how you describe your AS. I do a lot of things you do, and have the same or similar reactions from myself and others.

I would dress however you want to within reason and what's appropriate for what you're doing. Business casual or uniforms for work, work out clothes for workout, but wear whatever print, or colors, or style you want that works for you, not for the perception of others. Back in high school, I used to wear super bright clothing(canary yellow, sky blue, neon orange etc...), and this was the late 90's not the 80's. I loved it, and it wasn't in style, and I finally figured out that I drew unwanted attention and ill will towards myself and pretty much went with bland monotone colors to play it safe. Shades of grey are my style now. Black, white, and grey, with the occasional blue. As I transition mtf, I'm getting more and more back into the colors I love(within reason) instead of the same five outfits that are shades of grey, I wear every week to work.

I discovered I stim differently when I'm around people then when I'm alone. I try not to do anything that draws the attention of others to me when I'm around them.

I think that having AS, since we don't pick up on the things like social cues and body language, we go through a lot of trial and error figuring things out. As we learn what doesn't work and isn't acceptable, we internalize the choice to avoid or mitigate the AS so we can survive until the next thing that comes along and we repeat. I've had people, other children, other students, coworkers all think i was stupid or an idiot because I would stutter, or suddenly talk incoherently(I just used big words or phrased things weird, but not incorrectly), or be rude to them for reasons they didn't understand, and give me a hard time. Those people are not in my life right now and as I come across them, I avoid them.

I'd suggest that you don't ignore your sexuality, but don't obsess about it. Pay attention to yourself. See how you react to whatever stimuli comes your way. Analyze yourself. You'll find an answer. It may be a simple or boring answer, or it may be nothing like what you suspect, but don't give up on trying to find answers for your self.

I can kind of read body language. I don't know how good I'm at reading body language, but I'm good enough at it to get some idea. I don't really have any problems knowing how to dress, my main problem is stimming. A lot of times I get super stressed out and end up stimming. It must look odd when a normally dressed girl is stimming.

Just some random thoughts. Not standing out is a good way to not draw scrutiny upon yourself. Being familiar looking/acting in a way makes you invisable, like a cloaking device. Having a mask or even prop always available is useful. If people can catagorize you (even incorrectly) they won't be wondering/suspicious.

The real you is of course important, but its not important to show it to any except those you wish to forge lasting or important connections with. And those you let see the real you slowly a bit at a time. NT's are nervous about differences.