I almost died from suicide, not sure how to cope

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I tried to kill myself 2 weeks ago and it almost worked. I did "die" at some point, but was revived. I was in a coma for 3 days and horribly confused for days after I woke up. I couldn't make any sense when I was trying to speak, my thoughts didn't make much sense. I had to be restrained at some point because I was so confused and agitated that I was punching and kicking anyone who came near. I don't remember much of this, but I was told some of it when I regained some clarity by the nurses in the ICU.
I am disappointed that I didn't stay dead. I didn't have the "tunnel with light at the end" or anything like that while I was "dead", I just had darkness that felt cold. That's all I can remember, cold darkness.
I am having trouble processing all of this. I don't know how I feel. I just feel really anxious when I think about it. I try not to think about it, but it doesn't work. I even dream about it. I just don't really know what to do. I suppose I hope that writing it all down here will be of some benefit.

I guess the most I can say is that i'm personally glad you didn't succeed. I mean your presence your influence could not be felt, your message wouldn't be received just from this post.

I only came on to wrongplanet to visit which I do once in a while.. actually have not posted in quite some time, so from someone also having a crappy day, please hang in there and i'm glad.. that you're here today.

I'm glad you're still here.
The strange thing about life is you don't know what's next. Sometimes things can get worse but they can get better too. Maybe the point of life is to experience things and make things better.
One of my best friends of 17 years commited suicide a couple years ago.
Suicide is often contagious.

ahh the cold darkness..you could get lost there..forever

Look at it as taking a metaphysical wrong turn. Now you have to find your way out of the dark forest and hopefully somewhere funner. I recommend watching Princess Bride or Never Ending Story (not being frivolous)

Since you are not dead, you might as well give being alive a shot?

I'm still haunted by my suicide attempt when I was 14. I have never been more sure of something or dedicated to an end result than my suicide attempt. Everything since then has either felt full of doubt or as if a hollow endeavor.

I feel bad that you now have to deal with this on top of all the pain that got you there in the first place. I hope that things turn better for you and can stay better.

I LOVE that film.

Mmuffinn: I'm sorry that you attempted suicide in the first place. I don't know your circumstances, but I wish you well.

I'm not surprised you are having problems processing. You are in a really difficult place - seeking death, finding it, and then recovering into a world where you do not want to be.

The organism must be in deep shock.

Your first task is to try to allow the organism freedom to process, but I can't see how this will be easy.
Your second task is to try to work out where to go from here.

I can only wish you luck

I would hope your getting intensive therapy.

Yes, I hope too you are going to see someone (psych or therapist) about this. You can also talk about what it is that is depressing you so much here. The Haven sub-forum is probably the best place. Kinda designed for that and its a Snark-Free zone.

My last ex-girlfriend had killed herself, at one point.... her description of it was an immense peace and comfort. You do not need to feel haunted from it... and neither does Mmuffinn. Really, if we only lived once.... how could you then even live at this current point, at all...? Time (as we know it as, that is) is naturally infinite, and being infinite, it means that any amount of time that isn't infinite is infinitely short. As such, the likelihood of you living at this current point in time is impossible, as this current point in time is infinitely brief. This means that the afterlife has to exist, which also is confirmed in current human science, as humans clearly have a soul (a self-awareness). Current science tells that no energy can disappear, but merely change forms. Since this is easy to show to be true, then where does this mysterious self-awareness disappear, when you die...? If humans only were machines and no more than that, they wouldn't be self-aware. Of course, humans *are* machines - organic ones - but they contain that extra part called self-awareness - the soul - which robots, for example, haven't quite yet been able to acquire.

I wouldn't worry about the darkness. Probably, you were simply not ready to die, yet, so your soul was set "on hold" to return to your body, after it regained its self-awareness.

I hope you will be able to feel better, soon.... I feel your pain, though. While I do not know the background to your suicide, I personally think about leaving this life every day. I hope you will be able to find happiness.

I took the liberty to read a few of your old posts.... I noticed that you use all these "medications":

"Prozac 60mg
Seroquel 100mg
Concerta 36mg
Clonazepam 0.5mg
Metoprolol 50mg"

That is some very heavy "medication", I must indeed say.... maybe it even is the whole cause to why you are so unhappy. Seroquel also is an extremely heavy drug that I think should be outlawed. It can very easily lead to brain damage and severe memory loss. I was given it as a sleeping aid, and in my case, 50 mg led to memory loss, extreme dizziness and confusion, and 25 mg still made me pass out and leave me unable to use my legs (aside from the extreme dizziness). I can only imagine what those other drugs are doing to you, in combination with this heavy drug that AstraZeneca should be very ashamed for producing and selling. They only care about money, though, of course... not ethics. After all, they abuse economically burdened Russians as test subjects for their experimental drugs... among other things. Then again... almost all drug companies are inherently corrupt. :/

Here is a thread I made, three years ago, in regards to my experience with Seroquel:
www.wrongplanet.net/postt144588.html

Thank you all so much for your replies. I am getting as much help as I can at the moment. I see my psychiatrist once per month and I have a case worker. I just signed up to take a CBT class as well. I am now taking different meds than before. I now take 150mg nortriptyline, 1 mg clonazepam twice a day, 36mg concerta, 40mg propranolol, and 1mg ativan twice a day if needed. I also just finished a course of ECT a few weeks ago. I did 14 treatments, some with ketamine, with no improvement. I think it was the failure of the ECT to improve my mood that caused me to feel so suicidal. That, and I've been rejected as a participant in the deep brain stimulation study. It's like there is nothing more to try, like I will feel this bad for the rest of my life. I've felt much the same for as long as I can remember. I don't believe I'm capable of feeling much better.
I'm pretty sure that my eventual cause of death will be suicide, I will try my best to wait until after my parents have died, though. Once they are gone, I can die with a clear conscience. I need to find a way to keep living for another ~20 years. I suppose that I have lived with this for roughly that long, so I'm half way there.

Also, my physical recovery isn't going so well. I previously had elevated liver enzymes from autoimmune hepatitis and am now experiencing complications from that. I'm still experiencing bouts of confusion that last minutes to hours. I don't know if I'll physically recover. I am not sure that I care whether I do or not. I do find myself anxious about every headache, stomach-ache, bout of dizziness, bout of confusion that I experience. I have become obsessed with my health, in a way. I haven't gone running around to doctors or anything. I just worry about everything.

Thanks BP. Today feels like it may be turning around for me at least, but I don't know. Yesterday and the day before were not so good for me. But I like what you said, and I'll ponder upon it. I think there is something that drives my depression. I know there are things that can magnify it and I try to stay away from them. It's random. It turns on, for a few days, then turns off for a few days. Turns on for a week, off for a week. I don't really understand it, but I feel like there is something, as soon as I figure it out, I'll be cured of the random insanity that is my depression.

Again, I hope that not only for Mmuffin, but anyone else it gets better. I know it might yo-yo, but I guess we can take what we can get in the way of not having things suck.

Well, not many people are alive that can say they successfully committed suicide. ( Reminds me of the movie Constantine.) You should look at it as a sign that the world isn't ready to give you up. The way I figure it, if I were to kill myself I would not just be taking my life but also all of the lives I may save in the future. Who knows, maybe a year from now you will save a little boy or girl who will grow up to save millions. In a way, you have been given the opportunity that most people will never receive. You have the opportunity to live again. The old you died a few weeks ago and the new you is reborn. Go out and find meaning in life with new eyes, heart, and mind.

Looking at your list of meds I wonder if you feel they are working for you? If it might be worth switching classes of AD, maybe introduce an anti psychotic. Do you think the benzos are working? They have a reputation for quickly developing tolerance with all that implies in terms of not working and needing to increase dose.

It's complicated though, isn't it, cos a trashed liver mimics the symptoms of depression fairly well.

It was brave of you to try ECT, it's very much a last resort and I'm not surprised that its failure to do anything left you so frustrated. Trying and trying and getting nowhere...

You read Plath's Bell Jar? A lot of horror stories about ECT in the old days. Might make you feel less alone, might make you feel worse.