Any good long-term AS/NT marriage stories?

Post Reply New Topic

Does anyone have a positive marriage story from the NT's perspective? One from a marriage that's been around for more than a decade or two would be best.

I keep seeing the same story over and over online--seemed great at first, turned into taking care of an adult child. It's what I see in my parents' relationship and what I felt myself doing to my ex. I feel like, if I'm honest, I can't see myself managing anything better.

I keep looking for some hope in stories about ASD and relationships, and see nothing.

I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to hurt my family. But if being an incompetent emotional child-adult is the best I can ever manage, I don't know what to do.

Start by pretending that you're just a human being who's never been diagnosed with any kind of 'disorder,' that there's no such thing as 'Aspies' and 'NTs' - only people, and you've got a life to get through, just like everybody else.

To me, that just brings you right back to the center of the rut you were already in. No tools to help break out of any cycles, etc. Maybe one day I wont need the distinction between Aspie and NT, etc. but for now it is one of the only tools I have to try to figure out how to break cycles that have been happening for decades.

I hope I am wrong.

I agree with b_edward. One of the biggest hurts I'm seeing in the NT/AS stories is from the NT partners not knowing what they were getting into and from the AS partners feeling like they communicated everything that needed communicating prior to the marriage. I would feel even more damaging to a partner if I didn't tell them ahead of time and try to give them some accurate sense of the gap between us and of the fact that I may overestimate my capacities or not understand when I've failed.

The only thing I can imagine might work is polyamory, having a number of partners at any one time, so none of them live in my space and none of them are around enough for me to drain them or for them to get tired of who I am. But I was raised to think polyamory is wrong, and it involves making even more acquaintances...

my NT husband and I will have been married five years in may. he says I'm the best thing that ever happened to him. we married late in our lives (50's) and were both well-able to care for ourselves. we give moral support to each other. I cook. he cleans. we both work outside the home.

if you are worried about being a good partner, learn to be independent. once you accomplish that, you will be able to offer a whole person to your partner.

yes, he wishes I'd smile more often and that I didn't have a tendency to say things that offend people. I've learned to run what I want to say by him before I say it. keeps me out of trouble.

on the other hand, he says I have a big heart and that I'm thoughtful.

@cathylynn I wonder sometimes if marrying late is a good idea for me, too. That way I'll be sure to have learned how to live on my own and handle my quirks, and my partner will have had time to use a large part of their life in a way they wanted to. My biggest fear is holding someone back or hurting them. This ASD thing is eating me up! I didn't realize how much of my life I've spent being cruel or thoughtless in many ways.

People have said I'm thoughtful, too, and I wonder if what they're seeing is the fact that I have to observe things closely to understand and remember them, and that I remember things well once I've put an effort in. Not that I can't be actually thoughtful, but I can be thoughtless just as often!

I am in 28 year AS/NT marriage. There have been ups & downs of course. Requires a lot of both to work out problems as they arrise. Need to stay on top of things and not let them just go unadressed and worse/maybe beyond repair.

If you can envision these different scenerios you are intelligent enough to chose to be what you wish to be. The rest is motivation and work. It does get easier once you become accustomed to making your way. Aspergers is a handicap to lesser or greater degree but not normally incapacitating, except in very severe cases.

My concern is that, to be independent, clearly, I have to have work, and if I have work, I'll always be coming home at least partially socially drained. (Obviously a concern even NTs have; no one comes home at 100% after a workday!) When I'm drained, I sleep and withdraw--or get this 'I dare you to make me happy' attitude. So I'll be even less sensitive to a partner than I might be when energized. But if I'm dependent (or work at home, though I'm not sure I have the business sense for this), then--well, I'm dependent, which would make my social world only my spouse (a danger, it sounds like, in any case, with ASD partnerships) and make me someone they never get a break from.

@Toy_Soldier If you don't mind me asking (this is very forward!), why does your spouse stay? I'm trying to figure out what an NT could get out of a relationship with an AS that would make it worth what everything I'm reading makes sound like an unavoidable emotional gap--the gap that marriage is, at least in part, supposed to fill. I know my own mother stays with my father largely out of a sense of obligation and the sense that parting would be more effort than staying; they've been together for over 30 years, but every day I see more of the strain on my mother's face. Which is not a situation I want to find my theoretical spouse in, ever!

And have you been able to support your spouse in crisis situations? I'm terrified that if, say, a parent dies or a health problem arises, I would break down or become cold, withdrawn, and incompetent when someone most needs warmth, competence, and support.

Its hard to try and explain in a few words. But one thing is being functional. That is capable of surviving on your own. I don't think I need to expand on what goes into that. And if you are, then you can surely work together with a partner as a team, which should be easier, as you share the load.

The partner must be a very good match in all important ways and the two must be committed.

Both bring strengths and weaknesses and NTs too can break down of course. You try to integrate your skills in the most effective and satisfying way, at least as much as circumstances allow.

Sterotypes are not useful in life. I am Aspie but at my best when things are the absolute worst. I can be detached and think clearly and very fast. That is not my norm however, which is to think things out and is very sensitive.

You have to have enough self knowledge and discipline to keep your grip. I am not saying you won't stumble. We do. You just have to get back up. That is all you need to function whether you are AS or NT.

I don't know if you can call this good or not. I'm sure my husband does (he's the NT). We have been married 27 years and have four kids. I basically have to do everything. I take care of the house, the kids when they were little, cook, pay the bills, handle every crisis, etc. He goes to work. He comes home. He watches TV. That's pretty much it.

But after 27 years it sort of turns into an endurance challange lol.

I'm AS, he's NT: which is why I'm on this forum and he's never set foot in it and is never likely to. I know you asked for the NT's perspective on an AS/NT partnership but my husband doesn't visit this site.

Been together for 19 years, 3 kids together, plus 2 from his previous marriage to an NT. Our marriage has, to date, lasted 9 years longer than his NT/NT marriage.

We talk frankly about the pros and cons of my being at a tangent to normality. From his point of view the pros are that I'm 'strangely strange, but oddly magnificent'. He finds me fascinating and intriguing. He's in awe of my intelligence. The cons are I'm 'moody' (have sensory overload) and don't willingly tolerate the company of people I dislike or who irritate me (his father).

From my point of view the pros are he's amazing because he can cope with the unexpected, drive on the wrong side of the road when abroad and be polite to people he despises. The con is he has never been in Crisis and has no idea or empathy with how it feels and withdraws from me at the moment when I am in most need of him.

My Mum (NT) was married to my Dad (AS) for 40 years (he died).

Every marriage is a challenge. Being AS just adds a touch of spice!

Crearan, as a mostly-NTish sort who's had many aspies in her life, I can say it's not a trivial problem, but being aware of it helps. I agree with all those here who say that being able to live independently -- and I mean really live independently, take care of repairs and paperwork and all the little things of everyday life as well as staying employed regularly, cooking/cleaning, personal hygiene, maintaining friendships and family relationships -- is very important. If you can do that without being stretched to the limit, then try living with a romantic partner and see how it goes. For your own sanity, it's probably important that the woman get a solid tour of AS and understand what it's about first, and maybe meet with a counselor so she can make sure she understand what she's getting into.

A lot of women will see your limits as endearing foibles that they can mother or love you out of, and may well have moms and/or friends who tell them that you'll come round, you'll change once you guys are together/married/whatever. Whoever you're with needs to understand that this will not be happening, and should hear it from a counselor. For instance:

- You will not get more sociable and enjoy going out with her and her friends at the loud restaurant they love, and you will not think that sitting away from the bar makes any difference.
- You will not be going to her cousin's wedding if you're having a hard week that week, even though you RSVPd and this is her favorite cousin, and no, it will not be mean of you. If you do go, it's very unlikely that you'll enjoy it, and no, it's not because you're just trying to have a bad time.
- You will not sit and look polite while her grandpa wanders on in fine racist style at Christmas, and you will not likely take it well (or be polite) when her semi-drunk aunt says, "Oh, that's just Grandpa!"
- There will be days when you simply cannot function and need to be left alone.
- You will now and then have what can best be described as tantrums.
- You will not be able to ignore the [smell, faint rhythmic noise, etc.] in the otherwise okay apartment.
- Yes, that is how you look when your face is relaxed.
- No, you honestly will not know that [important thing that everyone knows].

And so on. If she hears these things, really hears them, then unless she's a very unusual woman, they ought at least to give her pause. There's a whole other conversation about kids and childrearing.

If it turns out that living independently, or living with a girlfriend/wife, isn't something you can do, that doesn't mean you're doomed to loneliness. For some people, living apart in a relationship, or long-distance relationships, are really preferable. You get each others' best moments that way without running into the more serious problems in NT/AS marriages.

Knowing the problem's there is a big, big deal, though. Goes a long way towards helping. I wish for both my dad's wives that they'd have understood what the deal was, going in -- things went very badly for both of them, and it wasn't their fault. To this day he's very unselfaware.

I have a great marriage. We have been married for a little over a year but we have been together for over 20 years. In ALL marraiges there are certain rules that must be followed. But there are more in a "mixed"marriage. If i could give one tip it is that you both acknowledge each others differences. Do not assume that you should both think the same way. Plus.maybe, say, you cannot understand why your spouse needs to hear how much you love her and how beautiful you find her. I mean, you already told her,right? Well, tell her again and again anyway. You not understanding why she needs things does not mean she needs them less. Make sure that your special interest does not get in the way of time with your wife or your finances. Figure out a reasonable ammount of money and time for special interests with your wife in agreement.

You also have financial responsibilities. do not allow special interests to get in the way of them.

list and schedule chores and, well, most things.

Be great in bed, even when you are not in the mood.

Treat your spouse better than anyone else.

Find common interests to participate in together.

I'm AS husband, married to NT wife for 25+ years.
Basically, it's not easy. Especially for her.
Things that help are
- I take her out to dinner for our weekly (Tuesday evening) date night, just to chat
- I have provided for her very well
- I find her very attractive
- I know some things; like sometimes often she just needs me to chat, me to listen (not to solve her problems)
- I commit a lot of time to family; I don't do golf, ball games etc

It's painful. There are huge benefits in being married to a lovely women. Sometimes I think I've been selfish, giving her a painful life, but she knew me when she went into it and she could always leave if it is too painful. Meanwhile I'll continue taking the benefits if she wants to continue it.

I can't see me ever getting married.

I am glad you started this thread. I am an NT in a relationship with an Aspie. It is still essentially a fresh relationship, although I feel very close to him and many of our close friends comment on how it seems like we've been together much longer. I was fairly unfamiliar with AS, but have since dived into researching the topic and gathering as much info as possible. I even made it the focus of my credential and now am becoming a specialist in Autism. I have a long ways to go though...

Back to the topic... Many people do not know he has AS and he appears fairly NT from the outside. I am probably one of the few (his family being the others) who really see his AS characteristics. Just yesterday I was asking why he kept acting annoyed with me when I felt I had done nothing worthy of his annoyance. I am very aware of his needs and limitations, so I am fairly good about not pushing those limits. He commented that he didn't know why and that it was probably his lack of solitude over the past week. He had been away from me, but not others, and felt it might be a result of his need for solitude. He said despite his agitation though, he enjoyed me being around and would rather have me with him and deal with the agitation then to not have me there. He also mentioned he would understand if I didn't want to be around.

We always end well. We know we will never really understand the way the other processes and thinks, but we respect our differences. I am aware that he will hurt me unintentionally and I am aware that I will drive him crazy at times and confuse him with my emotions. It is good to hear stories from others about their marriages though because I do want to make our relationship work. I joined this site as a way to gather a kind of support system. I will say, I think him and I are better off then a lot of NT/NT relationships because at least we acknowledge there are issues we need to address and work on. We know compromise is necessary when possible and grace is needed when it is not. I was married to an NT before and I already feel like my relationship with my BF is off to a better start.

Keep the advice coming