need help. i had sex & i need help. i'm scared and confu

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puddingmouse
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31 Jan 2014, 4:18 pm

He is a rapist. He is a complete scumbag. None of the good things he does negate that. If he can do that to another person, there is no redeeming him. I've never met him and I hate his guts.

I know this isn't helpful. You should be the one getting angry and not me.


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Shatbat
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31 Jan 2014, 4:20 pm

Sorry you had to go through this *hugs*

The others said it. He's an as*hole at best, with room for more. He doesn't really seem to care about it; he isn't showing consistency at that. He is hurting you. You should stay away from him forever.


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puddingmouse
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31 Jan 2014, 4:43 pm

I personally think you have the right to arrange for him to have the living s**t kicked out of him.

I don't normally endorse that sort of thing, but this story hit a nerve with me on a primal level.


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31 Jan 2014, 5:53 pm

You cannot change him.

He does not want to change, or to treat you any differently than he has been.

Any time you choose to spend with him is victimizing your self.

Walk away, cut your losses.

Do not respond IF he pursues....he only wants a compliant female, and will find another if he cannot bully you into submission.

You already know that you need out of this mess.....what you need is to find out WHY you ever tolerated emotional/psychological/sexual manipulation/abuse.

Seriously, attend even one meeting of victims of domestic abuse........you will realize so much about yourself. And "the truth shall make you free".

The truth can only make you free if you choose to act upon it, and face up to why you would ever respond to a domineering person.


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AspieOtaku
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31 Jan 2014, 7:47 pm

Sounds like the guy is only out for his personal pleasure and not yours what a total as*hole!


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MarthaCannary
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01 Feb 2014, 2:27 am

I must stress that what I type is IMHO.

First, Sorry you got stuck with this POS.

Second, Ditch this guy. He will never change. Chauvinistic douche-bag to the 10th power.

If anyone tried any of that shyte with me they would quickly find themselves choking to death on their own junk or put through the nearest wall.

Like a gentleman, my hubby wakes me up by gently rubbing up the backs of my legs, and a firm back rub with a "good morning beautiful, want a coffee?" whispered in my ear.

Yeah, I would never go with anyone that was not a gentleman.

We say mean stuff to each other sometimes, like any normal couple, we have bumps and low times... but what you described, is terrible behavior.


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alpineglow
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01 Feb 2014, 12:24 pm

Very sorry this has happened. OP, that's how my ex-husband behaved. Left him after 1&1/2 years of that sort of abuse. It's a cycle, you've described exactly how it goes, and it will not stop until you leave him. Please leave this as*hole now, instead of later.



Dantac
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02 Feb 2014, 12:02 am

That is horrible :(

He is using you 100%. There is no doubt at all about it.

Being 'sex friends' still means YOU have to enjoy it. You clearly haven't and have told him why and he just does not give a crap about your needs. All you are to him is a sex toy, not a human being.

What he did that morning is rape. You can consult anyone in your local law enforcement or your therapist if you have one about it.

Please leave this guy ASAP. You deserve so much better than that.



madbirdgirl
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02 Feb 2014, 11:14 pm

okay, i have been a very similar situation. i had an abusive FWB who pressured me for sex and never made it nice for me. He also touched me in my sleep and tried to get me to change my mind after i said i didn't want to. it worked… most of the time. i don't know if i'd call it rape because i gave in after enough of him saying "c'mon, it'll be really quick".
let me tell you, this man does NOT care about you in any way, shape or form. he sounds like the kind of man that can't get off without using mental coercion or physical force. he doesn't know how how to have a healthy relationship, so he preys female victims like yourself. you need to lose this guy and never look back, because he IS sexually abusing you through coercion and force.



VMSmith
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04 Feb 2014, 8:16 pm

Aspendos wrote:
You sleep with this guy and stay over while apparently having another partner who knows about it. Why is your partner fine with this arrangement? The other guy will make the argument that what he did wasn't rape because everything in your (sexual) relationship(s) seems to be so unconventional.

we're in a polyamorous relationship and we're open as well so we can have sex with whomever we like so long as we use protection and don't let those relationships affect our time together. i don't see how my sexual history or type of relationships i'm in would form the basis of any argument against me for anything.

Skylat:
Quote:
You already know that you need out of this mess.....what you need is to find out WHY you ever tolerated emotional/psychological/sexual manipulation/abuse.

i know. i'm trying to suss myself out but lots of the time it just comes down to me calling myself a naive moron. i have to work on that.

um i guess i just wanted to say that i tried doing what everybody said to do on monday and dump him but i think i did it wrong because i said stuff and we're still together. i tried following AardvarkGoodSwimmer's guidelines but i guess that kinda fell through and i went alone and tried to tell him i didn't wanna do it anymore because i was sick of being masturbated into but then he was all conciliatory and asked me what i would like to change and i think i fell for it because i'm some kind of sucker. i didn't even say everything i wanted to or get to explain to him why it was wrong and how exactly he made me feel. i just feel disgusted at myself right now. it's not like he hasn't said he would do things before and then not done them. sorry.



madbirdgirl
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04 Feb 2014, 9:03 pm

VMSmith wrote:
Aspendos wrote:
You sleep with this guy and stay over while apparently having another partner who knows about it. Why is your partner fine with this arrangement? The other guy will make the argument that what he did wasn't rape because everything in your (sexual) relationship(s) seems to be so unconventional.

we're in a polyamorous relationship and we're open as well so we can have sex with whomever we like so long as we use protection and don't let those relationships affect our time together. i don't see how my sexual history or type of relationships i'm in would form the basis of any argument against me for anything.

Skylat:
Quote:
You already know that you need out of this mess.....what you need is to find out WHY you ever tolerated emotional/psychological/sexual manipulation/abuse.

i know. i'm trying to suss myself out but lots of the time it just comes down to me calling myself a naive moron. i have to work on that.

um i guess i just wanted to say that i tried doing what everybody said to do on monday and dump him but i think i did it wrong because i said stuff and we're still together. i tried following AardvarkGoodSwimmer's guidelines but i guess that kinda fell through and i went alone and tried to tell him i didn't wanna do it anymore because i was sick of being masturbated into but then he was all conciliatory and asked me what i would like to change and i think i fell for it because i'm some kind of sucker. i didn't even say everything i wanted to or get to explain to him why it was wrong and how exactly he made me feel. i just feel disgusted at myself right now. it's not like he hasn't said he would do things before and then not done them. sorry.


You don't need to explain yourself to him. When you do that, you are allowing him to manipulate you. He knows what you want to hear when you tell him WHY you're unhappy, and he will assume you are calling him out because you want to continue seeing him after he changes his behavior. He will NEVER see you "for you" or respect you more for calling him out with every detail.
Every abuser ever tries to keep ahold of their target for as long as they can get away with it. By any means they can get away with it.
If you respect yourself at all, leave this sicko. Don't explain, just cut him off and run.
Men know better than this. They know it's "not ok" and you should too.



Dantac
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04 Feb 2014, 10:51 pm

madbirdgirl wrote:
You don't need to explain yourself to him. When you do that, you are allowing him to manipulate you. He knows what you want to hear when you tell him WHY you're unhappy, and he will assume you are calling him out because you want to continue seeing him after he changes his behavior. He will NEVER see you "for you" or respect you more for calling him out with every detail.
Every abuser ever tries to keep ahold of their target for as long as they can get away with it. By any means they can get away with it.
If you respect yourself at all, leave this sicko. Don't explain, just cut him off and run.
Men know better than this. They know it's "not ok" and you should too.


^ that is very true.

Consider again the points you've made here as to why you're so unhappy.

1. He does not include you into the 'pleasure' thing. He pleases himself not you. You have been very clear with him in the past that you want foreplay and that it hurts you physically and emotionally when he uses you, as you put it, as a masturbation tool.

2. He is abusive up to the point of not caring about your consent before having sex with you. I will say it again: This is rape.

Tell me, really... why are you with this guy at all? The sex isn't good and you're not remotely happy with how he treats you.

Think about this carefully: How many times did you tell him what your needs were. What you didn't like. To not do it this/that way and he kept on doing it, laughing it off and giving you silly excuses like 'I was blueballed'? For you to come here in frustration and pain about his behavior it must have been a constant, chronic behavior pattern.

Madbirdgirl is right: To end this relationship you do not seek 'permission' to end it. You inform him it is over. If he does not like it too bad for him; he had plenty of chances to correct his behavior up to the point where he raped you.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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07 Feb 2014, 9:17 pm

Hi VMSmith, you are a good person, please remember that.  And yes, you may have made a mistake in talking and listening to the guy, but it is a very human mistake.  Unless a person has read a really good book on the dynamics of an abusive relationship, and I'm not sure there's that many out there.

It does not sound like this guy has the track record of taking care of himself and respecting other people along the way, and the skills to do this.  And so, he may truly believe something while he's saying it, but just not have the track record and skills to follow up this up.  As well as blurring between sometimes being sincere and sometimes being manipulative.  He sounds like in many ways he's the classic bastard and classic user of people.    

One skill and one option for you, if the guy calls you up, just tell him you'll need to call him back.  And then 20 minutes later or two hours later entirely at your own choice.

Another option and skill is to tell him, I can't see you for a long while.  And you decide what a long while is.

Now, with you being close to homeless, that's serious, too, of course.  So another option is to call him at a time good for you and tell him, we can't get back together, but if you want to help me as an ex-friend, I would very much appreciate such help.

And I still do recommend a baseline and a backstop of only seeing him in public places.  And I hope I'm wrong on this and that he himself has a backstop of decency.  But I guess I think it's better to play it on the safe side.

And I guess I agree with what the other WP person says, that if you tell him stuff too private or personal or just too detailed, he can attempt to use it in manipulation.

I wish you all the best.  Please don't beat yourself up too bad.  Learn the one or two key lessons, and also try to help other people along the way.



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13 Feb 2014, 3:31 pm

Knowledge is power. We aspies tend to not recognize motives of other people and tend to be very loyal and afraid of making a change. These are good traits but they also make us stay in bad situations much much too long be it jobs as in my case or abusive relationships. Because we are different and people constantly reject us we are are so happy that someone is paying attention to us we become very loyal to that person and stay with that person/situation even if we are very unhappy with what they do to us. We also expect them to change because we think they loyal and logical are like us Unlike us, predators tend to be good at reading others. They will use our good traits to manipulate and abuse us.

I know that it hurts so much to read what we have been explaining to you. We know this information, not because we are better or smarter then you but because we all have been in similar situations over and over again until someone explained it to us. Enough with the painful knowledge time for some positive knowledge. This is not in the least your fault, you have no blame, it has nothing to do with how you are as a person.


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13 Feb 2014, 4:10 pm

Dantac wrote:
madbirdgirl wrote:
You don't need to explain yourself to him. When you do that, you are allowing him to manipulate you. He knows what you want to hear when you tell him WHY you're unhappy, and he will assume you are calling him out because you want to continue seeing him after he changes his behavior. He will NEVER see you "for you" or respect you more for calling him out with every detail.
Every abuser ever tries to keep ahold of their target for as long as they can get away with it. By any means they can get away with it.
If you respect yourself at all, leave this sicko. Don't explain, just cut him off and run.
Men know better than this. They know it's "not ok" and you should too.


^ that is very true.

Consider again the points you've made here as to why you're so unhappy.

1. He does not include you into the 'pleasure' thing. He pleases himself not you. You have been very clear with him in the past that you want foreplay and that it hurts you physically and emotionally when he uses you, as you put it, as a masturbation tool.

2. He is abusive up to the point of not caring about your consent before having sex with you. I will say it again: This is rape.

Tell me, really... why are you with this guy at all? The sex isn't good and you're not remotely happy with how he treats you.

Think about this carefully: How many times did you tell him what your needs were. What you didn't like. To not do it this/that way and he kept on doing it, laughing it off and giving you silly excuses like 'I was blueballed'? For you to come here in frustration and pain about his behavior it must have been a constant, chronic behavior pattern.

Madbirdgirl is right: To end this relationship you do not seek 'permission' to end it. You inform him it is over. If he does not like it too bad for him; he had plenty of chances to correct his behavior up to the point where he raped you.


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If you find it hard to do in person try writing out all the things you wish you could say, all of it. Give them the letter and leave. I know it is not easy but you deserve much better.


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VMSmith
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02 Apr 2014, 8:51 pm

so it's been a while since i posted that and i guess i just wanted to say that i stayed with him for too long but i ended it on monday. he did try manipulate me back into bed after the conversation but i just left. that's all i guess. i'm not seeing him again. just wanted to say that. thank you.