Being called a know it all...

Post Reply New Topic

I'm sick of being hurt and depressed when my fiancé says he and some of his family members think I'm a know it all. It really hurts... And I don't know what to do even after I told him to stop calling me that. When it comes down to certain subjects, like animals, plants and medical knowledge I can go on for a bit. But I know I have dimmed it down a bit over time, especially due to this know it all name calling over time. I have always loved to help people and animals in every way I can. I can't help that.. I even have multiple degrees etc in such areas because I love it so.

But why can't my fiancé stop calling me a know it all? I also feel I am constantly being misunderstood if it's not the other way around. I have never had anyone in my life say such things to me and not care if it hurts me. I have said many times to stop saying that to me and to please try and understand me and show respect like I do to others. He is also incapable of saying sorry... Says he never has all his life and that people that know him well just know that he is because he shows it in other ways. I try to explain to him unless it's obvious to me that he is sorry about something I just never know if he really is... I don't read those things well I try to tell him. He starts things up with me at times but rarely will he ever admit he was the cause of the argument in the first place... Usually with his refusal to understand how I am trying to talk about something.

Anybody else have any ideas on how to deal with this issue? I want things to work but I deserve respect like everyone else too don't I?

Persistent name-calling is psychological and emotional abuse. If this is already an issue in your relationship, I'd think twice about committing to a future with this person. IMHO, both he and his family sound like horrid folk.

I understand what you are saying. There are a lot of good traits but... Again there are always butts... I've been accused of using my disabilities as an excuse not to do something etc., again only from my fiancé... Although his says others in his family think this too. Nobody has ever said this too me. I just don't know what to do anymore. Kids are involved, although not his, they have known only him as dad. I've went through some horrid things on my life... And their bio dad will never be in the picture. Sadly, due to such things (my own family has a history of treating me badly too) they blame me for things I never did...or didn't do right, turned a blind eye etc. Although I'm not the one who is in prison (my ex). I don't want to get into this here though... I struggle with bad PTSD too.
So in reality I'm all alone here.. Just a few close friends.

Sometimes, even with all the good things I do in life, why do I deserve such a nasty life?

It doesn't matter on how strong my depression meds are... I feel so alone and depressed now

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad, but I do agree with Willard. This doesn't bode well for the future.

I just wish I didn't get overly connected to people... It makes things all the harder and kills my trust so much more. All I wanted was to be with someone who loves me for who I am... So I can do the same. It seems I keep getting into relationships that are majorly manipulative because I trust too much and emotional/ psych abuse.

My therapist knows quite a bit.. Although not all and want to change some small behaviors to help the relationship. But I know she subtly said that sometimes it's even better to just be alone.

But I don't want that... I just want someone to share my life with and celebrate such a love for life together.

God... Please help me

If you can live with it, stay with him. If you can't, leave. It's your life and your decision. I doubt he will stop calling you a know-it-all.

He probably means that you are missing social cues because you are distracted by the topic. "Know it all" is, in this sense, not meant literally, but rather as an anecdotal comment regarding your participation in the flow of conversation. When I hear something like this I translate it as "stifle it, you're going on too much."

I have gotten the same comments from friends and co-workers ever since I can remember. My co-workers think I'm an as*hole at first and eventually come around.
My friends have learned to use this to their advantage. They often to recruit me to help them out with everyday life problems. I recently helped a friend with the process of buying a new car. Researching the model, upgrade packages, interest rates, a fair value for their trade-in, etc....
Like you, I enjoy helping others and sometimes it comes across to others with a know-it-all/authoritative attitude. In my experience it eventually stops and they learn to respect me. If you have spent some time with these people and they continue to disrespect you that then it sounds like they might actually be jealous of you. In my experience this type of behavior comes from people with lower intelligence because they are uncomfortable and threatened by intellectual superiority.
Just curious, you said you had multiple degrees. How does your education level compare to theirs?

I've been called know-it-all before because others felt I thought I knew things that they believed I really didn't know. People sometimes think I'm stupider than I am due to how my Aspergers & dyslexia affect how I come across & communicate & because I've researched various things they're not aware of so my input gets dismissed.

Sadly my education/ knowledge far exceeds we're he and most of were his family is at.

Had another fight today because I'm sick of being disrespected. I asked him... So what's it going to be... Change how people talk to me and please give me the respect I deserve.
What's not fair is being told I always talk about things he isn't interested in. I am always willing to learn about his interests and get used to things he loves, including participate out of respect, but he refuses to show me the same respect toward the things I love in the same way. If he isn't interested he will not even try like I do for him.

I'm really at the end of my rope really.. He keeps telling to ask his Ma to confirm he is correct on how I am etc. caught them talking about me multiple times and will never fess up yo the fact that I'm not an idiot. They claim they have better things to talk about but of course he calls his mother multiple times a day... Especially after we had an argument. He refuses to get help for his psych challenges... Says his meds are enough. Of course I get blamed for making his life depressing etc.

Dang phone and auto correct lol.

This happens to me a lot... But of course when they are at their wits end...Guess who they come to for help?! !!

I have been called a know-it-all and ostracized because of it. Some random points:

- I can sometimes give unsolicited advice or suggestions. In my mind I am "helping". I have learned it is usually best to not offer advice, suggestions, or background information on a topic unless I am asked to do so. (And I am rarely asked to do so.)

- I have observed that conversation within my family consist mainly of one-sentence exchanges. When I try to join in with my usual 2-3 sentence (or paragraph) interjections it disrupts the rhythm of the conversation and is ill received.

- Not everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Brilliant wordplay there. I'm jealous and going to steal that quote.
As for the OP-- your fiance isn't going to change his behavior, he's signaled as much by not working with you when you brought up the issue. Instead he doubled down by calling his mother to validate his initial assessment (very child like imo, but beside the point). Unless you can find a compromise or some mutual understanding this issue will continue in perpetuity.
One suggestion-- you mentioned researching his interests. If you've come to a mastery of those interests and drone on endlessly about them (as aspies are prone), he may view that as threatening. Those are HIS interests and if you display mastery on par with his own or superior than his own it WILL cut into his sense of masculinity. Likewise, don't expect him to endlessly research subjects near and dear to your heart-- neurotypicals for the most part aren't wired to be obsessive about such things.

Duplicate.

Last edited by Bodyles on 14 Apr 2014, 9:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Well, it's better than being called a smartass for years like I was, I suppose, though not much.

People used to always comment on how smart I seem.
I've been telling them for years that it's not particularly helpful.

I've also been called a know it all.
I learned a long time ago that:
a. You have to sttand up for yourself. Just remember, you're scarier than they are.
and
b. If someone insults you, even in a backhand way, cursing at them tends to be effective. "f**k you..."

Also, no offence, but this guy you're with sounds like an insensitive shmuck.
Being told 'You're using your autism as an excuse too much.'' is one of the few things that really infuriates me.
That's a huge red flag when you try to communicate your difficulties and are called a lazy liar for your trouble.

I really hope you leave him & find someone who won't expect you to conform to the allistic world like this guy clearly does.