Throwing in the towel

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I'ma strong woman. I've taken, and can take, all sorts of s**t that make others just fold up like a lawn chair when a fat lady sits on it, but I can't take any more of this. I don't even cry because I feel crying is for p*****s, except drunk crying which is different. But last night and all day today I've cried. Sober. I can't take it anymore. I'm done. Put a fork in me. My mother is back in the ICU dying, and I can't get up there, but why would I want to cause if she can talk all she'll do is say mean s**t to me like she always does. My husband wants to leave me cause I dared to ask for affection and emotional support and I'm being "too much of a girl" and my kids think I'm a horrible mother because I've stopped being Alice from the Brady Bunch and picking up after GROWN GODDAMNED PEOPLE.

I'm throwing in the towel. Take that however you want to. I'd done, done, done and done. I'm having lunch with Suzette. I'm going on a road trip with Kurt Cobain. I'm not dealing with any of this anymore.

Is there anything after? I don't know. I don't really care either. Am I scared of hell? Yeah, a little, but I think I can either find a way out or organize a coup about it. Heaven isn't all that appealing. Spend eternity sucking up to somebody who made my life hell. So who knows. Maybe, hopefully, nothing. Maybe it all just goes dark and thats it.

Don't worry, it wont be today or tomorrow. I'll do the decent thing and bury my mother first. And I know just how I'll do it too. I got a little cash, and I'm saving it for that. I'll get me a bundle of what my best friend does and snort it all. Yes, I'll throw up, but then I'll nod, and I won't just nod, I'll sleep. And I won't wake up. And that will be the easiest way.

I mean whats the point of keeping on. There would be a point if I was younger, but I'm 50 now. Just go try and get a job when you are 50. Try and support yourself then. Hint, you can't. I have no choice. I hate this life I got stuck with. And no, for the whiners out there, it's not AS causing this, it's just bad f*****g luck. I'm fine with the AS, it's everything else that does it to me.

Don't fear the reaper.

I'm really sorry that things are so grim right now. I've often found that during times when you really need support from people they find a reason not to be there. Dont do anything rash. There's no nice way to die.

Please don't,no matter how much a pain your family can be,they truly will suffer if you do this.And they will carry the guilt forever.Is there a suicide hotline you can call??If you have to,check yourself into the hospital.

Your dark night of the soul? Stay in touch with us. This too will pass. Feel welcome to PM me if you want to. I remember similar experiences at the same stage.

Please dont quit let me know when its a good time to call you so you can vent.

When you kill yourself your dispense all of that pain and misery to everyone and around you, the pain doesn't go away it just gets put elsewhere and on MULTIPLE people!

But it sounds like you're not getting the emotional support you need, that's something that your husband and close friennds should be able to provide, doesn't sound like your husband has any interest in propping you up, which must be devastating. Though a structure isn't supporting by one pillar alone, there should be close friends that you can lean on to for emotional support, and if not I'm sure many people would here would offer you their time and attention.

Lastly, you wouldn't go in to hell if you believe and accept Christ, he died for past present and future sins so that you can enter his kingdom, additionally, pain and misery in this world is caused by man, which is the result of his free will. God wouldn't love us if he took away our free will. So it isn't him that's hurting you, its man.

Being a mother seems so unimaginably hard, you have so many people depending on you who can be so ungrateful. You're flawed human being like everyone else and you still have your own struggles but everyone dumps their issues on to you and expects you to solve them. It doesn't seem very fair to have to be so selfless and get nothing in return, I know I'm not a strong enough person to handle that. I think about my own relationship with my mother, I feel so guilty for putting such a burden on her and for the hurtful things I've said out of anger or frustration or just pure selfishness. Hopefully you can find some happiness in your life and make it thru this tough time, things can get better.

Hang in there! I can think of no one else who could handle it alone as well as you. Really. And I could see you having a blast doing it. And, you are not too old to get a job. Woman, with your personality and tenacity you won't have a problem finding a job,, not now, and not when you're 97 years old. I also can see you creating your own job [ just leave time for writing that novel. It will be a best seller,for sure and for certain]

One of the drawbacks to being a good mom,a good wife,a good friend, is that it becomes easy for people to start taking for granted and not knowing how to give support in return. That can hurt so much.

You have gone through a crazy amount of crap lately. And now, your mom,wo you obviously have very mixed feelings about, is dying. And that little girl inside you, is still waiting for the day when her mommy tells her how proud she is of her baby girl . And it looks like that's not going to happen. Ever. And that is so sad.

Do you have a friend, cousin, whoever, whose home you can drive to where you can stay and just hang out for a week or so? You seem to be in need of a "break from the crap mini vacation." And maybe the kids and husband need a chance to miss you in order to truly appreciate you. [ okay, let's be for real,to slightly appreciate you] If you didn;t live so far away I'd tell you to come hang out with us for a while at the nudist resort. With Bobbys heart failure he is on a severely salt restricted diet. Maybe you could teach me to make a good marinara sauce with no added salt. and if we spilled sauce on ourselves, we wouldn't even have to wash our clothes, just rinse off in the swimming pool.

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly inside. I'll be praying for you.

Why not take a bus to Atlanta and get a job flipping burgers or something on the north (white) side? It sounds like everybody is taking you for granted. What you need to do is run away for a while, you've talked about running away before and it seems sort of weird to think of "running away" when you're 50, but it seems that your hubby and kids need to experience life without you wiping their butts all the time. They are adults, they shouldn't need to be mothered, and if they insist on acting like kids you need to get out for a while and let them experience life without you for a while. Suicide is permanent, you can't decide a year later that it was a mistake, or that they've learned their lesson. You can't reverse suicide, or take it back. Adults run away all the time, I see missing persons notices for "at risk adults" all the time on the news. Some have Alzheimers or were kidnapped by a bf or something, but I'm willing to bet that many just were sick of their lives and wanted to live somewhere else.

How are things going today?

I gave her a call today and talked to her and let her vent shell be ok now I think, I did give her advice and reassure her its not all her fault and such and not to let people walk all over her.I told her that she is doing the best she can and if thats not good enough for them they can F**k themselves and get out of there! She doesn't need to be around any more abuse!

Thanks, I really appreciate your update. Good to know.

NP i didnt know this was going on since I rarely go to the haven untill i got a couple PMs, so as soon I got off work I called her as soon as I could. Its really hard having a dying mother who is mad at you as well as a family that treats you like s**t and blames you for everything no matter how much your trying to make them happy!

I do care about people and even people I dont get along with well, me and her have insulted eachother and got on the wrong foot time and time again as we have rubbed eachother the wrong way but when it came to that time when she was giving her number away in the past because she was in distress I felt compelled to call even though me and her never got a long well to find out whats going on because I care and have a heart.

Good on you