My friend and I are having a friendship ending fight.

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Autinger
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03 Jun 2014, 11:27 pm

To make a long complicated story short; (I'm going to shortcut /not fully explain some things/say my version)

I've known her for almost a year but we became friends about 7 months ago when "I helped her" leave her abusive boyfriend of two years, she instantly got a new boyfriend and moved in with him but he turned out to be an even bigger jealous control freak and for the last 6 months I was under the impression I was helping her become "independent" (while she lived/and still lives, with the "new" abusive boyfriend). We spend -a lot- of time together and made many plans for the future including living together as friends and seeing what will happen between us "beyond friendship" (although I pushed her to find a place on her own, for various reasons). Last Sunday we even booked a vacation together to her home country because she wants me to meet her parents and they want to meet me. We have another 2 weeks of school, then we're going on vacation, and because her current "boyfriend" will cancel the rental agreement when we come back she'll have to stay at my house till she finds a place for herself, or at least that was the plan, but on Monday she drops a bomb on me;

"She has a new crush, and he offered to help pay her rent so she can get a nice(r) place on her own, and because he pays (partly) for it, he will start sleeping over right from the start, but he promised she will be allowed to live her own life and can decide when and how much he comes/sleeps over" so that he won't interfere with her and mine friendship, which she says she values more than anything. (She told me many times I'm the saviour of her life and the most important person ever, and that she -really- loves me, blabla.)

I'm so mad at her, it doesn't take a genius to realize this guy is clearly an even bigger control freak, making her (financially) dependent on him right from the start and I'm mad at her for throwing away everything we talked about and planned. I'm mad because I feel like I'm being played with, being used as a back up plan. I told her I don't see a future for our friendship, let alone anything more, if she expects me to show up to -their- new house in 6 weeks and have to feel like a visitor in -their- life when she made me believe the future would be about "us" as friends and "ourselves" as "independent" people figuring out what we really want in life.

I don't know if I should support her, because she's feeling like a cat backed into a corner and is falling back into the ways she has told me for 6 months she wants to change from and let her cry on my shoulder in a couple of months when she eventually realizes the mistake she made, or tell her now to F#%^ off because she has been treating me like a fool.

I told her, I really hope for her the guy turns out to be okay and that she can finally find the happiness she deserves/wants and can stop being sad, but that it will be without me.

This doesn't even come close to explaining the complexity of the situation, but I just needed to share something or I can't sleep. It's past 6AM already :/


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auntblabby
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04 Jun 2014, 12:10 am

leave her to god.



Dantac
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04 Jun 2014, 1:12 am

From her rapid taking on other guys she also seems to have a lot of childhood issues...so ending the friendship would be harsh. She obviously considers you an important part of her life. Sadly its not one of a friend or more but rather more like a 2nd dad or brother.

You've let her know what you think and feel... its up to her now. You also need to look at your friendship and decide if your her friend or her tool (you called it backup plan..much nicer word).

With the limited information I'd say she needs to a time out. Time for herself. Her jumping to other guys..to live with guys she barely just met is simply continuing her vicious cycle; her problem. Many who have childhood trauma/emotional abuse (or worse) when young tend to do this..its like a coping mechanism they need to follow.



syzygyish
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04 Jun 2014, 5:44 am

tell her you love her
but
Love demands as much as it gives


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Zany
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04 Jun 2014, 9:23 am

I understand your frustration. This girl clearly has very very deep-rooted and severe issues, and I know how badly you want to help people like that who you care about. And you want them to break the pattern, but the truth is you cant fix someone elses life if he/she isnt ready for it. You cant control how they act, even if you know they really shouldnt be doing what they are doing. It often just cant be done.
I also understand your anger. God, this s**t can make you angry. Its not rational, but its there anyway.

You cant break the pattern for her. You can be there for her, but in that case you have to accept the fact that you cant change her life. You have to let go, so to speak.

So if you were to continue your friendship, you have to let go. You cant get her to do what she needs to do, clearly. So let go of that desire, or end the friendship.


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Autinger
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04 Jun 2014, 11:38 am

This is what I sent her;

"
I have decided.

-I- think you're making stupid mistakes, I think you've lost yourself in dreams and obsessions created in your own mind that clearly has some deep and severe issues that need to be solved/rebuild for -YOU ALONE- before you even seriously think about realistically making more of those ideas and trying to achieve them with -anyone-. -YOU- need to work on -YOUR LIFE-. Before you can love anyone and really let them in, you must love yourself. I'm not perfect either, I know, shut up, just trying to give advice :P

But -you- think you're doing the right thing, and that is all that really matters to me. And I wouldn't be any kind of friend if I didn't stick around to see you happy or catch you incase you do fall. That's what friendship means to me.. supporting the ones you love get over the troubles and helping them achieve their dreams, even if you get nothing in return, even if you don't believe in the dream. If you really love someone you can't expect anything back for the things you do for them. Not money, not time, not love. They will return it on their own if they really love you back too. That's the friendship cycle, that's real love. Maybe it's an imperfect ideal, but that's how I want to try and live my life. That's -my- religion, I don't need a book or god to tell me what to do, and punish me when I don't. The reactions to your actions and how that makes you feel and act in the future is the only real way anyone can live their life.

So I will be there for you in the way you want me to be there for you, always, no matter how many times you change your mind. I just love you <her name> and you have become part of me, a very crazy nervous making part of quiet, calculating, easy going, softy me ;) , and because you're part of me, I will never give up on you because I can/will never give up on myself. I know I'm part of you too, please don't give up on me, and yourself. :)

t(hugs)4life

"


These are the moments I feel like a "nice guy".. I mean everything I say, but I can see how unrealistic some things are. But I just can't/won't approach it differently, it's in me.


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Rabbers
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04 Jun 2014, 11:58 am

I've read a few of your posts now about you and this girl and due to my nt trait of being unable to give a straight answer I've always held back a bit when replying so as not to cause upset/offence/whatever.
But honestly this girl is playing you like a fiddle. I don't know if it's because you are having trouble reading her intentions, you're love-blind or just too nice but once again she's led you on only to then decide to go after (or in this case move in with) another guy. Lord knows how she's managed to spin it so that you are feeling sorry for her.
Stop buying her stuff and hanging around as her reserve boyfriend - you are worth more than that.



Autinger
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04 Jun 2014, 2:19 pm

Rabbers wrote:
I've read a few of your posts now about you and this girl and due to my nt trait of being unable to give a straight answer I've always held back a bit when replying so as not to cause upset/offence/whatever.
But honestly this girl is playing you like a fiddle. I don't know if it's because you are having trouble reading her intentions, you're love-blind or just too nice but once again she's led you on only to then decide to go after (or in this case move in with) another guy. Lord knows how she's managed to spin it so that you are feeling sorry for her.
Stop buying her stuff and hanging around as her reserve boyfriend - you are worth more than that.




You're probably right.. I can explain the entire story of cultural difference, financial situation, her life experiences, but you're probably right in the idea she's probably more "boohoo please look at me and hear my sob story and give me all your help" than "boohoo, why won't someone please look at me, hear my story and help me". She has the tools available to solve half her problems in a week if she just stood up for herself, but she likes to be/appear sad/miserable till people take her by the hand and do what she thinks she can't, for her.


But what if you're not. I don't buy her anything, beyond a sandwich or something to drink when we're in the city, which she does for me too, and I haven't initiated contact/chat for months. She comes sit next to me or saves a spot/waves me over. Yes, I do stuff for her, but I make sure she does her equal part.
Maybe I should have explained better that she wanted to live with me, but I told her it's better for her to cease the opportunity and try living alone for a little and that if she can't do it, she has never lived alone and slept alone in a room maybe 10 days in her entire life due to her always sleeping together with her twin sister and has OCD which I'm able to take away from her a little (because I think about everything ;)), we can always move in together later. Maybe she got too scared of the idea of living alone and being "independent" and jumped back into getting some control freak to run part of her life for her, instead of this all being part of her playing me.

One moment I feel she's bullshitting and using me get her way, the other moment I feel she's only real with me and bullshitting everyone else to get her way.


WTB: Mind reader.


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Rabbers
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04 Jun 2014, 4:30 pm

But she wouldn't be having crushes on other guys (or guy if it's the same one as last time??) if she was into you that way and certainly not living with them. Saying that he has to stay over just sounds like the biggest load of bullshit ever. She's not helpless in all this - if she didn't want to she doesn't need to get a flat with him. And if she doesn't want to be alone she could get a house share with a few people or another girl or another guy who she doesn't have a crush on?



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04 Jun 2014, 8:53 pm

I know this post couldn't fully summarize the extent and depth of a friendship you guys have had for a year, but what throws me off a little is the fact you guys are considering potentially being together.. yet are not exclusive in that time frame.

I mean I guess it works--but you seem to put a lot of care and depth into a single person, could you really be okay if you guys did not give it a chance? The friendship is important to you sure--and it seems you guys are at least intrigued by the "something beyond" friends to even consider it. I mean wouldn't it be pretty much gameover for that if she sleeps with one of these guys and gets pregnant?