Attempting to contact a girl from the past: Bad idea?

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GWiz
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23 Jul 2014, 4:43 pm

Note: Some of you who replied to my last post when I happened to leave it unorganized and incomplete (and onlookers)...please observe that I edited it SIGNIFICANTLY since then.

Not that the newest version would change your positions, or anything.



BirdInFlight
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23 Jul 2014, 5:48 pm

GWiz, if this woman has just given birth to a baby, her world is ALL about that baby right now, and will be for the next eighteen years at least.

This is a huge event in a woman's life. I don't know if it's her first, or she has other children already, but either way, it's a busy, busy, busy time, in which a woman is completely caught up in the experience of caring for that newborn.

Trust me, women who have just given birth are in their own little world, and necessarily so. Their whole heart and mind has to be turned toward bonding with and caring for that baby.

Plus she is likely in a partnership with the father of the child. If she is, then together they are even more in their own world. Even if a family member happens to mention that they saw you come by looking for her, it won't be of much consequence to her even if she remembers you fondly -- at the moment this woman has a WORLD of stuff to attend to, let alone all the sleep deprivation she's in for now.

It's best now to just let it be, leave here be. Even a few years down the line. A few years down the line she'll be just as caught up in how her kid is doing in school, etc. Family life pretty much excludes everything else. Child rearing has to be the centre of a parent's world.

About the bigger picture of noticing that many women your age are now taken and it seems like you're running out of viable options -- think about how many people there are in the wider world out there, who are your own age, and available. Not everyone who is a terrific person and deserving of being in relationship always is -- many really great people who are single are being passed up for all kinds of reasons (some even because they are ASD shut-ins but wonderful people! ) It's not always the case that the best ones are taken, or that anyone worth marrying is married by 30 already. It's a big world and there will still be opportunities for you out there. Think globally rather than locally or just the girls you were in school with. 30 is still relatively young in this day and age. Good luck to you, it's not as bad as it looks right now.

.



GWiz
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24 Jul 2014, 6:07 pm

I don't know. I simply can't see how ANY contact with her (even, tangentially) would necessarily be so drastically inappropriate...in all remaining cases. To, merely, inquire as to the status of her general well being (especially after this apparent new addition to the family). Or to get only a cursory assessment of the level of reciprocal familiarity between us. So as to better assess how appropriate any further consideration of interactions with such former acquaintances would be for my new attempt at a social life.

Regardless, it was (after a search under her listed alternate last name) with the discovery of, what appeared to be, her online baby gift registry that I became aware that she was due, to begin with. So, considering this, she was, obviously, looking to receive gifts...from various individuals...already. And, given that general implication...purchasing a gift would easily appear as being a gesture of respect, from a person who had felt a mutual past influence (sufficiently inferred by the action). Of course, first, I would necessarily contact her to briefly inquire as to how comfortable such an action (on my part) would make her feel. It would hardly be aggressive. And any perception that it was, would simply be responded to with a silence.

When perceived together with my previous status (derived from any potential memories, in conjunction with, my meeting the family on apparently friendly terms), attempts such as this might then be seen as in keeping with an overall established "rapport" (if accepted)...rather than appearing to be "out of the blue" (as they would have seemed before the openness to the receiving of gifts was established as a possibility (by the registry)). Indeed, if an offer of a gift was accepted, I wouldn't feel compelled to venture any further to repair any possible uncomfortable feelings towards me that (hypothetically) might exist at the moment. As it would be resolved by the act of the acceptance, alone. And if she acknowledged me further, still (beyond the acceptance of the gift), I certainly wouldn't have to worry about her potential willingness to maintain a moderate level of communication with me...as it would be settled with reciprocal responses.

You guy's are almost starting to make me paranoid that the second I put my fingers to the keys (if I email her or check her social media accounts) there are going to be sirens coming from outside and an immediate restraining order served against me...or worse. And I know its not your intention (I hope), but it's kind of (getting close to) making my resolve to contact anyone outside my family (who had ever had a friendly demeanor towards me that I could be confident about) fizzle out a bit.

And consider...that I'm going about these ventures, now, from a particular standpoint of descending interests. The kind of people (other than the posters here (who mostly aren't in my vicinity)) who I would even be interested in communicating with are not haphazardly determined. People for whom I would like to elevate my level of familiarity with are mostly women, as I am not interested in communicating with men (especially not in observing their usual habits) in any way other than in the most existential intellectual discussions that I can participate in on impersonal message boards already. My family is something I'm trying to venture away from. And to engage with complete strangers (in general) is not wholly desirable at the moment (though I'm open to it, eventually). Not unless an intermediary type of familiar acquaintance is left completely off the table...which is precisely what such initial attempts at interactions will determine.

To leave this girl alone, first, without even trying one of the most simple actions (so as to assess the receptiveness of future ones) would seem rather rash, considering the amount of influence she had on me (not to mention the mental energy I've put into this situation). I feel I need to at least try, before I can be comfortable with our position, as it stands now. And it's just perplexing me that some think there is some social convention that precludes this from being appropriate under any circumstance...ever! I'm analyzing it as I go. Trying to establish if I should agree with that. I wish I could see it. But, somehow, the mere QUESTION of how small or large the opportunity for a mutual interaction there still exists, is enough to impede me from coming to such a definitive conclusion...just yet.

I suppose you may be getting the wrong impression of me here...from my linguistic flourishes (but that's just how I tend to write). The impression, perhaps, that I'll definitely continue to pursue her attention even if I receive a rebuke (or nothing at all). That's not likely to be the case. I've never had any overt tendency to dare to move against any direct stance against my pursuits from people I have a modicum of respect for. I think that's partly why I'm venting out my desires and frustrations here. I already feel like I'm being tasked with acting as if she has taken a stance against my attempts, without even having confirmation of that being the case (almost Kafkaesque like). The respect I have for her would preclude me from imposing myself on her...I'm sure. Yet it's as if I'm being characterized as overly presumptive already...when the potential for that respect to be mutual, very well could make her equally receptive to my considerations.

But, if I was to contact her in some way, the issue would have the chance to be resolved (one way or the other). If she already has a suspicious interpretation of me, it might be affirmed by my action, and she would likely never want to hear from me again...something for which she already never would if I don't contact her again. If she simply doesn't quite remember me, any gesture might appear awkward (at most), but an opportunity to refamiliarize myself, might remain (again, taking any rebukes into consideration). And if she does remember me in a fond light (up until now) my following up on contacting her (after the open response (as I, then, would have reason to believe it was) of her family) would certainly not be too presumptive. At least one or two positive possibilities just seem to be completely reasonable to anticipate...unless I'm missing something?

It doesn't even have to occur with more than one brief statement. For if she, HERSELF, is not able to recall any memories of me at all (let, alone, in any sense of a previous attraction) or simply unwilling to acknowledge me (in a positive manner, or otherwise), then that would settle the situation. I will now know that she likely never had any significant social (or emotional) cause to keep me in mind, after all. Or I will know that my recent behavior had a detrimental effect on her perception of it...even providing me with a "lesson" on future social attempts (with others). All by default...without anything else said. Why would I even attempt to go further after THAT point? As of now, though, an apparent "loose end" is left by my lack of attempt at any communication whatsoever. I'd certainly prefer it not remain...if I have any choice in the matter. Perhaps I would even find out that she is just not as kindly of a person as I remember, after all...then that would put an end to even the desire to communicate with her.

This question was not a preoccupation that came out of nowhere. It was not present until the physical meeting with the family had complicated the situation...by introducing a potential mischaracterization of myself, that will remain (if real (which, itself is a fact not made clear without any contact)). My current inaction is actually distracting me more than any action would. As it is, not attempting anything, that is leaving a question in my mind (where I don't see any reason why there has to be). I was previously going to contemplate a number of paths to a life independent from my family, before this unexpected dilemma presented itself. A sense of immediacy has surrounded it (for me). One that has put it in a pressing place (within my priorities) that does not seem inappropriately so...considering the subject's history. It could be an opportunity to have a long overdue friendly rapport with someone of reciprocal affections. It could be an opportunity to resolve a potential mischaracterization. Or it could be an opportunity to resolve a question of familiarity (cathartically speaking). Either way, I don't know if I can leave it forever...if there's even a mild chance for an open response. Though I think I will...for now, at least



GWiz
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27 Jul 2014, 8:52 pm

So, with all this being such a question, it soon occurred to me that perhaps I could just check to see if she was on Facebook. To better assess the circumstances. So as to make sure my impressions of the situation were moderately accurate. To partially put my mind to rest. I didn't think it would hurt to simply get an account myself. After all, I could still use it to contact other girls I once knew (if contact with her was to be rebuked). And, once I signed up and checked, I saw that she had an account there. Lo and behold, I observed that she is indeed married and was imminently expecting (the night after I signed up, actually), but even more surprisingly, she already had TWO children (one even at the age of catholic first confirmation).

Seeing this was a slight bit uneasy for me to take. Especially after a cursory glance indicated that she was married since 2005-6 and had apparently even met her husband just before our graduation. So she has been off the market for quite some time now. It was not as if I had just missed a chance with her recently, or anything (at least making me feel better in that sense). For a moment I thought that this probably indicated that she likely didn't give much thought to me (at least in the way I was hoping for) after graduation, considering how relatively soon after then, she had gotten married. And that I was definitely wrong about any suspicions I might have had about the intensity of our interactions in the past (and also probably the level of familiarity her parents appeared to have with me). The possibility simply seemed to be made unlikely by this fact. For the most part, it evened out any more grandiose intents that I might have considered legitimate, previously. It gave me a hint of catharsis, even. After seeing images of her children they seemed so real and innocent. They had a kind of gravity that silenced much of the excitement I was feeling up until then. And an attempt to interfere (however unlikely), on my part, would feel horrible...considering what I know now.

I also noticed that she was in contact with a few other of our classmates. One even being another of the girls who had a significant impact on me and who I had considered contacting (for the documentary I was mentioning, or otherwise). And, yes it appears she is married as well. Yet this was too coincidental. I had an opportunity to contact them both...right now. Not with anything more than a simple indicator that I was frequenting their accounts. The recent confirmation of a (previously suspected) death of one of our former classmates (which I discovered on her page) also gave me reason to communicate with her (or the others of whom she and I are familiar with) on Facebook, as well.

Along with this, I got the idea to actually maintain my account. Now I even have a whole new intent for further ventures within the parameters of this situation. A goal for a serious Facebook page. One with which I could share a number of facts and ideas of mine, and see, first hand, if people (such as her) would follow me out, of curiosity. Also perhaps to introduce an opportunity to consider whether I was open to communicate by simply messaging to her (or any of them). I also found that I could go a long way by simply requesting a "like" for my account. Sit back and seeing the reaction without a word needing to be typed in response. I would have an indication that she, at least, had not been creeped out by hearing word of me being near her house (if her parents told her), if she accepted the request. I could at that point consider it a possibility that she would be receptive to the notion of me sending a message asking if it was in any way appropriate to offer a gift for the baby. A sign of appreciation for her past kindly behavior towards me and further wishes for her (and her family's) prosperity. This could actually go a long way towards establishing a final path with which to determine our mutual state of affairs, from now on.

If she accepts it, I would simply write her a message detailing the circumstances that confused me recently (with regards to my contact with her family). The brief misunderstanding of her marital and child status could be broached (though not necessarily). The nature of the situation I am in with my own family, that spurred me to check the vicinity of her neighborhood. Also, that I had a definite idea as to why my behavior might otherwise look strange, and that I did not intend it as such. I was merely afraid that it did. And, finally, I could address my desire to get her a baby gift to settle the pause or absence of a followup to my inquiry to her parents. To wish her baby (and family) well.

The way it sounds from the reactions here, one could almost assume that it would be considered less creepy to look up a complete stranger than a person of moderate familiarity. That somehow I'm obligated to stay interested in contacting either immediate family or wholly unfamiliar people. But that somehow the kind of relationships possible between people of our level of familiarity are off limits.

And, again, how does an attempt to make the documentaries (I was talking about) not bring an attempt to contact her (and others) some legitimacy, alone? There's still the matter of being able to contact her for referential purposes. Why do I have to consider the likelyhood that she is only going to be concerned about her immediate family as a reason to never contact her again? Especially after seeing that she has had time to converse with a few of our fellow classmates, already.

It's a little exaggerated to say this. But, If this recent desire of mine burns out, they might all burn out. I'd like to keep them going just a little longer...for as long as I have that option.



Metta
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28 Jul 2014, 9:41 am

There's a lot going on in this situation!

Here's my attempt to unravel the threads and draw out the key points in what's happening for you:

You're (looking at) leaving home.
You want to build up your social circle.
You've strong feelings for a girl who was the pretty one looking at you at school.
The girl - now woman - has her own family.
You see establishing contact with her as important and significant, and as a first step towards building up your social circle.
You're looking at, and seem mostly focused on, how to navigate the social etiquette of making contact with this woman.

Each of these is a pretty big issue in itself! Can I suggest pressing pause for a moment?

Emotions being our biggest drivers (yes, they're there under every desire to do something, every impulse to action), the nub of it is in the emotional content. You've one big change in your circumstances either underway or planned - moving out of your parents' home. This is likely to destabilise to some extent. Whether it's a wobble of the boat or a complete capsise is up to you and your emotional responses to the different facets of this change. My first response is to suggest that you simply press pause on all other activities and allow yourself time and space to make the change and to acclimatise to your new living arrangements.

Secondly, putting all your social-circle-building eggs in the one basket of this particular woman looks like it could be a high-risk strategy: lots of effort/thinking it through for little or no guarantee of return with a woman that you have a high emotional charge towards. May I suggest you hang back and look for less charged, less risky connections to test and build your social circle with?

Finally, it seems to me that your emotions are running strongly towards this woman - or, we could say, towards your idea of who this woman is. I wonder what strategies you have for handling emotions?



GWiz
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28 Jul 2014, 7:04 pm

Thanks. I have to say, that response definitely showed a great understanding of my current position (or positions). At least somewhat more than the other comments seemed to illustrate. I know you're right in claiming that my compulsive thinking about this person could be more about an idea of what she was (or is) more so than a reality. Especially after being apart from her for all these years and having somewhat limited contact (even if influential) to begin with. But I must point out...it's also about assessing or correcting any potential negative impressions from her parents and any bad ideas they or she might express about me, with others they know. Therefore tainting my social possibilities. I know that is itself another instance of compulsive thinking. But, It's all part of my considerations.

Yes, I might consider taking it slower now. But I have to admit...I recently, kind of, gave in, and communicated with my parents (particularly my mom). When my mom tried to settle the situation between us I talked to her. We are on mellower terms now. And that's, kind of, taking primacy of that aspect of my current situation to a slightly lower level (hopefully, only momentarily). Which is making this attempt at reconnection, now, reasonable for me to consider still. It seems that my mom and I are going to attempt a temporary level of communication that would still work up to an eventual separation. But with a tentative pause in the speed I would be attempting such a change. She claims she's going to help me get out of the house, and also help with my Facebook setup.

She didn't seem to think it was exceptionally weird (on my part) when I informed her of what had happened. Or, even, that I had been the one to look her up. She even mentioned that the family's inquiring as to who I was and especially their immediate offer of a ride is what seemed more creepy to her. She did seem curious about why I was think about this (and the girl), but she was not averse to my intent to assess our relationship. She said I had no obligation to settle any bad perceptions. And I could let it go. But also said it wouldn't necessarily be horrible to inquire on Facebook if I had to be sure. She did think it would be weird to give a gift if I barely knew her, but again, not if I attempted a Facebook contact first. And I certainly think I communicated my points, to her, rather accurately to the way I did here.

It was talking with my mom, that got me to delve deeper in to observing the actual Facebook functions I could utilize. And made me realize that just attempting to inquire about a "like" could be enough to put my mind at ease. Or at least calm me enough that I could consider further Facebook interactions, later, if my rudimentary requests are well received. Regardless, I am considering other contacts as well as (or even instead of) this girl, after this. I will be looking for others if I need to...as a last resort. This new form of communication has a unique possibility to aid most of my intents. I don't know why I never had the impetus to try before.

I guess some of this might actually seem to be a reverse in priorities from what you recommend. But couldn't it still work out? Or should I still hold off?

Oh, and of course I don't have any strategies for handling my emotions...I'm an "Aspie"!

Also, maybe I'm nitpicking (in my intent to clarify) a little here (with regards to one of the previous comments), but when I said I was JUST over thirty...I did, kind of mean, a few years over. Not right at thirty. I guess that's over the threshold already, I'm afraid. I don't know if that makes my situation worse than if I was only JUST thirty.

Now the problem is, did I just slow down my momentum for leaving the house by getting my mom's help?



Greatsharkbite
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01 Aug 2014, 6:15 pm

You can contact this person if you want Gwiz. Honestly I wouldn't let the posts here dissuade you, even if its a possible mistake. We're as humans meant to make mistakes. Contact if you want--if you've put this much time in it, you'll probably need closure--no matter what the means. I just hope the result of the situation doesn't get the better of you.

But I do wonder, why is it so important for your social experiences to be with past classmates?

In my opinion, because of how social dynamics work.. whether you were 40, 30, 28, or 25--it was way past the threshold of trying to get something to work with this girl if you were seeking romance. Age actually has very little to do with it, i've had a few crushes when I was 18.. and totally forgot their names, how tall they were and in some cases their voice--they weren't serious. But on the flipside--I remember everything about someone I had a crush on when I was 14.

Another thing being a virgin isn't anything to be ashamed of. If you're trying your best to improve yourself (which it seems you are my the amount of effort you're making) I think anyone who judges that negatively is foolish. Reaching out to this girl on facebook doesn't seem like a stretch either-- but honestly.. I don't know what the benefit is to you--other than closure. She gets a gift, she'll probably be nice, friendly--"Hey! Long time no see!" talk about the kids, talk about her kid's father, maybe her career path and ask you how you've been doing. If she was cordial. Also this girl was just a girl you simply met in highschool--there are girls possibly not only better in terms of being a match for you personality wise--but maybe even date you and she's not in the latter category at this moment at all.

Also the thing where she said "I wanted to f*** you" I mean I've been through stuff like that when I was younger and at the time it was cool--but its really just immaturity no matter if you liked it or not--and the fact is that its very unlikely that this 34 year old woman has a ton in common with her 18 year old self.

Its a shame that you don't seek to expand relationships aside from females, because once the mystery wears off-- you'll be in the same boat as them as you are with guys now.



Metta
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05 Aug 2014, 11:10 am

Glad to be of service, GWiz. Thanks for your reflections and update. As Greatsharkbite said, it's your choice in the end. We all need to be autonomous in our own lives, so while you can mull things over and take input and perspectives from others, ultimately you're the one in charge of what you do and how you do it.

It strikes me that compulsive thinking is usually fuelled by emotions, so I'd hazard a guess at anxiety and/or the desire to make a connection. And being at the same time as changing your living arrangements, which would also give rise to anxiety, excitement, and a change in your connections which would lead you to want to make new connections, these emotions will be running strongly. Aspie-ness can be a non-standard way to act on emotional drives. For example, getting full of thoughts when anxious or excited about something. In fact, overthinking or compulsive thinking is itself a strategy for handling emotions, even though you probably never intended it to be. It's a way to block out the feeling, by using the developed mind to dominate the emotions. Although it's a slow and steady process, learning to spot the underlying emotions, sometimes by guessing at what would logically be the most relevant emotion for the situation, can be a huge step forward in releasing patterns of overthinking, if that's what you want.



JacobV
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07 Aug 2014, 3:47 am

GWiz wrote:
Okay, Well, I'm having a serious disconnect with my family. And normally that would be a cause to destroy my confidence, as I've been quite isolated over the years...and also due to general "aspie" anxieties. But, for some reason, this instance seems to actually be giving me at least a little more confidence than usually. I talked to a counselor without my parents being the ones to set the meeting up for me. I engaged a coworker (who has had psychological training) in a serious discussion about my situation. And I think I've finally resolved to leave my family after all these years. This is probably due to the place and age I'm at (a little past 30 now). As opposed to before, when the uncertainty of it all would induce a more childlike demeanor in me. Perhaps because I could afford to let it, at the time.

But the really peculiar thing now, is that, through all this, I'm considering doing something that I would have regarded as almost mortifying in the past (especially in my high school years). I'm in the process of possibly contacting a girl from my school days. And not just any girl, but...that special girl. Back in those days I was almost paralyzed in her presence and could barely say a word to her. And obviously I didn't have any full physical contact with her. She was definitely very nice in the few verbal communications we had. But there was always just something inexplicable that made me suspect there was serious potential for more.

After the disconnect with my family, I figured that I would, likely, have to attempt a connection with certain other people in my family's stead. And why not, then, just a better connection with someone I had once had a mildly familiar relationship with, but was formerly lacking the courage to attempt furthering. To make up for missed opportunities, as it were.

I do have quite strong memories of her. I remember that she was incredibly beautiful. I remember that, to my shock, in one of the first grades of middle school she actually made a physical effort to sit next to me, even verbally saying that's what she was trying to do as she did it...all while I was left speechless, of course. Another vivid memory I can recall was when, in one class, we were actually teamed up on some science task and she had dared to inquire if I wanted to know who she liked. I thought against all odds (and considering how directly she was looking at me) that she might actually say me. She came all the way up to my ear and whispered...a beautiful whisper...but a whisper of another boy's name.

Though, I later learned that such an action could sometimes be a flirtatious attempt to induce a bit of jealousy in the real intended subject of affection (and had momentarily suspected that as a remote possibility even at the time). But who can know for sure?

When reflecting, actually, the most indicative memory I have for the prospect that there may have been potential for more, might just be the very first serious memory of her that I have. I think it was the first day of middle school, and at the end of the day, when my mom picked me up she immediately made the comment "there's a pretty girl looking at you" and I saw across the way that it was indeed her...and she was looking at me...all the way back then.

I think the last time we saw each other was on the last day of high school. But we had already begun interacting less (than we already were) before then. Though, on second thought, I just might recall her saying "hi" directly to me, one last time, while getting out of a car, not long after that time period.

Obviously due to my relative isolation since high school I have never actually, in fact, had a girlfriend...ever...or even kissed a girl. Which makes this action all the more tempting to try further. I really did come to feel that I could not really expect to start a relationship with a brand new person without a serious amount of effort. An effort it would not be necessary to expend if I had another option. Another category of person. The "existing potential" you could say.

Anyway, I indeed looked up the listing of her house on the internet. I traced out the path and decided that after work I'd just go continue on to the other side of town where her house allegedly was. It was the first time I can recall ever trying anything so proactive...for which I'm still getting this "itch" to push even further. So, eventually, to my own amazement I actually made it to the address.

I immediately saw people in the area outside her house, so I had to keep walking to not generate suspicion. Well, it is a dead end block, and it looks even more suspicious walking down towards the dead end. So I just took a breath and walked back in the other direction, right by the people now on the side walk. This was all one brief stroll. No lingering. But when they saw me they didn't even bother to say hello, they immediately (and repeatedly) asked me what my name was. And had very inquisitive but friendly looks on their faces. I could have sworn it was as if they were expecting me. And I knew it was her family. I told them my first name and they seemed to be repeating it to themselves, mulling over it. Could they have been asking for my name so abruptly because they somehow knew of me? Could it be possible that she talked about me to them before. And, if so, that after all these years they still know my description? That would certainly mean that she thought about me in "that way". Maybe they've just seen me before?

They actually offered me a ride, but I thanked them and refused. And on my way going I abruptly turned back again and asked them for a confirmation that it was her house. They eagerly said that it was, but she now lived somewhere else, and told me, right away, without hesitation, what town she lived in. They asked me if I knew her and even quickly followed with whether I knew her from high school, specifically. They have to have known of me. Or am I seriously misreading all this? Needless to say, I felt quite exhilarated on the way home.

Though, I quickly checked again for her on the internet and, this time, noticed what I missed before...that she also went by a different last name...and that the town was a residential area. Not all that likely for an unmarried girl, I would think. So I must have been misreading the family's general outgoing nature with an eagerness specific to the idea of me contacting her. I mean they wouldn't act that way if some man was looking for her when she was married? Right? Unless it's just the way they are, and thus can't be used as any indicator as to how she would react to me...when she's married (or, by all appearances, highly likely to be.)

I have to admit, I definitely suspected that a woman of her caliber would not very likely remain unmarried by her age, but I was still hoping for a possible opening.

None the less, I soon got the idea to visit the family again. Both to inquire about her further and to possibly give her a message. The idea of the message later turned in to a full blown written letter confessing certain things that I would let them relay to her. But I'm not quite sure if such a thing would even be appropriate to try if she's married, after all.

So, the point is, I'm having trouble gauging all this, right now. And this is all in the last few days of the past week, I might add. Would it thus be too soon to go back and formally introduce myself to the family? To try to get in good graces with them (in lieu of a relationship with my own family), even? Is it too nosy to try to get an idea of her life through them? Would the letter be too hasty...too creepy? Is this all too untoward? Should I also give these possible actions time so as not to appear as though I'm stalking her. Or should I even try to pursue any of these ideas further, at all?

Is there actually potential here, or am I overstepping my bounds?

Keep in mind, I would like to visit the house again near the middle or end of this week, if I'm going to again, at all.


We've all done this before... try to contact people we haven't spoken to in a long time and taking risks doing it.

This is one of the greatest weaknesses of asperger's.. we are so terrified and uninterested in creating new relationships, friends, or lovers, that we instead do EVERYTHING we humanly/possibly can to get back with people we used to be with.

This is not a good idea. This fear/disinterest of strangers is the reason we are all having such a hard time. It's the reason most of us are depressed, stuck in poverty, bad career, and unable to move on.

The relationshiip ended because she wanted it to end. Accept it. move on.



GWiz
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09 Aug 2014, 1:14 am

The more recent responses have played a part in tempering the sense of urgency that I was experiencing before (maybe less so with that last one, though). I'm in a generally lower level of concern for this prospect of contacting her. As I still haven't contacted her (or the others) just yet. Though, it's not at all removed from my list of eventual intents, entirely. Some of that is also due to the establishment of my Facebook page. All the possibilities of contacts being as easy as any of the others. It kind of distracted me with the possibility of contacting many people at once. Though I'd still like to make an effort to contact her, perhaps even this month, if I can. I'm at the point of simply being mildly interested, though, not obsessive about it. My page has just given me a more easy way to contact various other people, as, surprisingly, I've observed quite a few names that I'm familiar with already. My concern with her in particular is just somewhat on the backburner. To make way for more development of my page. I'm actually at the point that I would prefer to establish an eye catching page before I attempt any major contacts. To increase the likelyhood of these people to consider being willing to friend me. Also to make some mild confessions, claims and general dissertations, now and then.

But when it comes to the perception that I'm so hung up on these familiar faces at the expense of new ones. I don't exactly see it that way. I'm not strictly attaching my interest to former classmates, necessarily (though I did consider trying to find names that went all the way back to preschool on Facebook, just as an experiment). I am going to attempt to eventually contact strangers (especially on Facebook) just after I've ruled out these more familiar names or otherwise contacted them. The current situation with my family kind of makes me more directly inclined to contact people I don't have to go through the whole introduction phase with. I'm not completely averse to the notion of the unfamiliar, I'm just trying a certain method of approach to these interactions. My family situation is influencing the manner of these attempts, as far as I can tell, which (due to a recent further exacerbation of my relationship with them) will be allowed to take up much more of my time, once again. My Facebook page is going to be my primary venue for these possible contacts (though I might be slightly more hesitant with the potential absence of help from my mom, now).

But, I was just wondering if people could get a better idea of my mindset and my intents by checking my Facebook page. As I brought up in my other major thread. I'm curious to see if I could get some more direct connections from here, as well. Anyone who has more experience than me could inform me on whether I'm going too far. Or whether my page is too intimidating or strange to attract the people that I might want to attract. Not that anyone in particular would care about my specific developments, but just on the off chance someone does. Could I post a link to my Facebook page here? Or somewhere people from here could find it if they wanted to...out of curiosity?



GWiz
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12 Aug 2014, 10:29 pm

I was just thinking that perhaps inviting viewers from this thread to check out my Facebook page could open up some of the people I'm attempting to connect with to some personal privacy issues. I mean, considering what I've told you about this girl in the past, it could be awkward (to say the least) if people here then come to know her name and even more personal things about her current status...especially if I end up acknowledging her and connecting with her on my page. Not least, if someone here made a comment to her about me having said these things about her here. But I was still considering giving you the benefit of the doubt. As I thought it could also be a good way for me to connect with those more unfamiliar faces, such as yourselves. So, is there still a way for me to inquire if anyone here would like to check it out? Maybe by first having some who are willing to show interest in the idea first, rather than just anyone who views this thread. I guess it's a question for the moderator or administrator, no?



GWiz
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02 Sep 2014, 10:45 pm

Okay, this new development could be pretty interesting, indeed. So, it's been a while since I had that encounter with her family, and when she may have gotten word that I was looking for her (and when such news might have possibly creeped her out). Since then, however, I've simply been growing my Facebook page and generally making a few "friends" (mostly, extended family and friends, of course). My posts have actually turned out to be quite extensive (in number and content), as I've been really getting into this new social direction. So, today, I just figured that...well...what the heck? Why don't I venture to see if I could make a few more "friends" out of some of the more remote familiar names I can recall? And, would it really hurt if I used this venture as an opportunity to put her name in that bunch? So, I kind of held my breath, and I sent her a "friend" request (first, of course), then I immediately went on to make further requests for about six or so other people. Needless to say, I was now rather anxious as to what I should expect...or, really, if I should even expect anything at all. And as it turns out...she, apparently, accepted my request! And within less than two hours...no less!

When I first checked Facebook (not too long after this request) to see if there was a chance that she (in particular) had accepted, it didn't give me any notice from her that I could see. Though, I had, by that time, received an acceptance (and message) from one person. An old (rather close) friend from my school days. And a few moments after I checked his message, a few clicks away, I noticed that someone was up on my screen as being connected to "mutual friends" that I didn't quite recall as being that way, before. For some reason I got a peculiar feeling from this. So, I clicked on this person's image, and it showed that one of our "mutual friends" was HER. I then went to her page, and at the top, it, indeed, said we were now "friends"! I don't know...what might that mean? So soon after sending out requests to her and various other people (who were certainly not any less familiar with me than her), SHE accepts it! A close friend from way back...and HER! All the people I sent out requests to (and at one time, no less), and SHE accepts it this early! When all the others (save one) still haven't (as it's been several more hours since then, as of this writing). Though, of course, this could just point to the fact that she wasn't very busy this night, or that most of the others were, or that the others aren't as familiar with me as I was with them, or they simply have a lesser tendency (if only mildly so) to be open to contact with me than her (and my old friend, of course), or maybe that she's simply eager to accept any requests at all. But, regardless, this may very well settle the issue of whether my incident with her family gave her a bad impression of me, does it not? And, I would certainly expect that this also means that she remembers me...and not so vaguely, at that. Yes, I suppose they could have simply not informed her of our encounter that day. But still, the familiarity she might have for me is certainly not refuted by this act, at least...unless, maybe, she's just "friend happy" (if you know what I mean).

Though, it's strange that I still haven't found the notice that informed me of her acceptance. So, I'm going to send her a (brief) message...imminently. Just to clarify that she knows who I am, and that she did actually intend to "friend" me. That's not a bad idea, or anything, is it? Anyway, I'm getting rather excited. I don't know if I should. But I am, none the less. It seems that I can have SOME form of contact with her now. I hope I won't screw this up. Fingers crossed.



Last edited by GWiz on 02 Sep 2014, 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

starvingartist
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02 Sep 2014, 10:55 pm

if you still harbour romantic feelings for this woman, i think you really should leave her alone. she just had a baby and is starting a new life, you trying to insert yourself into it with hopes of snagging her somehow can only end badly for everyone. if you are no longer romantically interested in her and believe you can just be her platonic friend then you might be alright, but if not just let her go.



GWiz
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02 Sep 2014, 11:17 pm

Um, Okay. But should I really distance myself now, after this "friend" request was accepted? What, should I immediately "unfriend" her without saying anything? Would that not be rather rude? Would that not actually give me the kind of negative reputation that I may have just avoided? I can't even be sure what kind of feelings I have for her from our long and extensive absence of contact. I mean, I can't be sure that I'm not entirely uninterested (in that way) in one or two of the others I've sent a request to (at least one of them, also, being married). Should I rescind my request to them, as well? And, besides, I'm sure it's entirely possible that any remote fantasies I might have had before could be quashed if more contact with her leads me to believe she's not worth any kind of affections. I'd just have to find that out, to know for sure. Though, still, what if it is she who has (at least, mildly) fond feelings for me? And I merely reciprocate in a very carefully controlled manner. Really, I'm not very active in the realm of social interaction, even when I've been approached. So, I've had an abundance of opportunities to control myself. I just have to know what's going on here. Just for catharsis, if anything.



GWiz
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06 Sep 2014, 2:49 am

Okay, so I sent her a message. Just to clarify that it wasn't a mistake on her part, in "friending" me, and that she did know who I am. I, also, did eventually see the notice of her acceptance. Anyway, very late on that same night she responded. She said it wasn't a mistake at all. And she hoped I was doing well. Interestingly, she had apologized for responding at such an inconvenient hour (though, it certainly didn't seem that late to me) as she was just dealing with the baby. So, at least, our first interaction went alright. I was wondering, though, what does it mean when someone after so long not interacting with you introduces an allusion to her former preference for the "night life" (if you know what I mean) in less than three sentences? I was thinking that that meant that kind of subject (if you know what I mean) was, at least, not far away from her mind when dealing with me (though, I understand I may certainly be projecting, there). I also thought that it was interesting that (in as many sentences) she had used not just one, but two, cheerful emoticons. I seem to recall hearing that something like that could indicate an exceptionally positive view towards you on the writer's part (again, possibly projecting, there). Needless to say, I'm pretty sure this indicates that she is definitely familiar with me, and what's more, not creeped out by any news of me coming from her parents. Though, I did respond that I would not bother her any further as she should get some sleep for the baby's sake. Now, I'm kind of conflicted about having given the impression, with that, that I would not be messaging her again. And I'm thinking about whether or not I should keep with that possible impression and stay quiet. Which, since I do still have a question or two, I might have a reason to break. So, I think I'm just going to take more time before considering messaging her again or not. As I didn't actually ask if she got word from her parents that I had asked about her. I was thinking, should I ever bring it up? I mean she may only not be creeped out by me because her parents haven't told her. In which case the subject might still come up with the family. I just wouldn't want to shoot myself in the foot, here. I wouldn't want to bring it up and then find out she didn't know, then creep her out myself.

Anyway, starvingartist, I really hope you don't mind my inquiring. But, it seems just a little bit like you may have had a personal negative experience that appeared to develop in a similar way to where my experience may be going, or something of the like (at least, from my impressions). You can tell me if I'm wrong, there, of course. Or not say anything at all. It's just what I'm getting from you here. Others can certainly back you up, I'm sure.

But, just to simplify some impressions I'd like to settle here. I'm wondering if I could...I don't know...like, maybe, get a tally (from whoever is willing to respond) on how many people who have read my whole account of this incident think it's very likely I could get to a further level of positive interaction with her. I mean, if you don't want to encourage me, or anything, then you can give me a "no comment". Or you can just tell me I still don't have a chance at anything. Or whatever else. I'd just like to get a larger impression of how it appears this situation could potentially develop from the way I've communicated it. I hope that's not a problem.