struggling with severe depression and change

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struggling with severe depression and suicidal attempts, plus very severe challenging behavior.
theyve finaly found new residents to move into this care home but its took them nearly a year as the criteria was very specific [females, severe classic autism],theyve now crapped out on the female idea as they cannot locate any other females,they found one but she likes to control the whole communal environment and even likes forcing people to go to bed or eat when she wants so they said no to that.

theyve now changed the criteria to male or female which has quickly brought in a lot more possible residents,but now that has happened they have started making lots of changes,such as moving the furniture putting furniture into bedroom when they know am supposed to have a clinical setting because of trashing things in meltdowns,frustration and SCB-it might sound lightweight but furniture moving is a cause of acute anxiety,distress and challenging behavior in those of us with severe or profound autism.

have got a pyschiatrist appointment next week for the purpose of getting the anti depressent [cymbalta] changed.
one of the new residents who hasnt moved in yet has been given three days a week to visit here and instead of putting on support staff of his own to be here for him when he visits,we are expected to be here for the whole visit,this has had a big knock on effect on being able to go and do daily activities which helps temperarily mask the depression when am already struggling to get out of bed,and now its worse than ever.

am completely disconnected to humans and visualy & mentaly see them as objects all of the same worth because of the autism, with the depression on top am really loathing humans again as well as self.

am aware a lot of depressed aspies have the issue of their depression being understood but their aspergers being ignored and suffering from ignorance; for self its the other way around,people completely understand am autistic because its visualy obvious for them but they dont understand the depression because am unable to communicate it or show it, they just assume its part of severe challenging behavior as if am unable to have mental health to.

to top it all off,am in severe pain every day thanks to a spinal nerve injury had suffered last year caused by being restrained and pinned down by police for twenty hours whilst fighting against it unsedated and the following daily brutal multiple restraining and pin downs had suffered from the clinical support staff for not listening to them,at the intelectual disability hospital was detained in.
am on six x 15mg/500mg co codamol a day painkillers,the gp wont give anymore pain killers for it because of the situation caused by a sht hospital consultant last year who believed was addicted to them because they coudnt understand how the constant sensory and information overload that suffer with having severe autism and ID causes headaches.

am supposed to have had a MRI scan months ago but because of having severe challenging behavior am waiting for them to sort out sedation.
at the first MRI attempt they gave five mg of diazepam, this did nothing at all because am a long time user of diazepam to the point it doesnt work anymore and am on a long withdrawal program-they knew this and ignored it,due to the extreme anxiety ended up kicking off big time in the car park damaging the old car window of mine and two support staff getting caught in the cross fire.
at the second MRI attempt,they had prescribed diazepam!! for it again so it got cancelled.
now at the third attempt have been waiting months and am in f*****g agony am so fed up of this am barely able to walk, have constant pins and needles shooting down legs/back, worsened double incontinence,legs keep failing and stumbling from weakness.

am really fed up of this sht.
please can someone offer words of support?

I'm sorry,that's a lot of stuff to go through.Being in pain with no relief just makes things even harder to deal with.With all that stuff happening around you,and the physical issues,most people would be depressed.Seems like they would understand that.I hope things improve and you can get some relief.

I'm really sorry about the way things are. It's very easy to feel overwhelmed especially with such difficult circumstances, but soldier on. I hope things get better for you soon.

I am sorry you have to deal with all that, sounds like a lot of crap.

I have one idea though, not sure if its probable or practical....but if you can't verbalize the depression, is there any way to maybe type it out like you did here and show it to your support team or whatever. Or are they like dismissive and wouldn't even bother looking at it to have a better understanding of how you feel?

I mean it seems like you are able to recognize a lot of what you struggle with and know a lot about what's wrong and what sets off your sensory issues and all that, so I just find it sad if they just assume everything is difficult behavior due to autism and that you couldn't possibly experience anxiety and depression issues.

hi misslizard,i wanna blue and sweetleaf, am really greatful that have all took the time to answer because had been put off from coming back as there were loads of people on answering other peoples threads but not mine,already felt like a waste of space so it made it a lot harder,didnt think anyone was going to answer.

thanks misslizard, have got a social worker and nurse calling around from the social services intelectual disability team in an hour,the nurse is in charge of sorting out the midazolam for the MRI scan,am really hoping he will have news.

thanks i wanna blue,am holding on to the bit of strength have got left as have had some good news,am going on first ever holiday soon for two nights to the lake district as a dummy run and next year in may am going to disney land with the two support staff and meeting up with family there,we going through channel tunnel as am unable to go on planes due to challenging behavior-theyre all going on the plane but am trying to hold on to the fact that will be doing a lifelong dream in less than a year, its difficult,really difficult to not do something permenent.

thanks sweetleaf!, they actualy follow the blog and have found out they read the posts of mine here as they mentioned this topic yesterday,was like a rabbit in headlights upon hearing them discuss it; but felt glad they are trying to understand what am thinking.
have got a pyschiatry apointment on thursday so am holding onto the hope will get to change the cymbalta which hasnt worked for a long time.

Hi KOR,

Ever thought about getting an Augmentative and Alternative Communication (AAC) device, so you could communicate your needs immediately--before the challenging behavior happens? I wonder if this might help with your frustration, at least a little bit?

It sounds like you're really happy to be going to Disneyland Paris. Do you like to look out the window of your car while you're being driven places? It's really nice, for me, to look at the trees, the grass the sheep, and the cows.

Well I hope the MRI works out, and the holiday and the visit to Disney Land Paris. Life is littered with struggles through which we must try to persevere, but there are usually rewards at the end of it.