My assessment is over and I don't know what to feel.

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I haven't posted anything in The Haven in a long time but today I feel like I really need it.

My assessment started in the end of March and has now finally ended. The psychologist is, in fact, discussing my case with another specialist today and they'll come to an official conclusion during the day (they might've come to a conclusion already). My last assessment session was on Tuesday this week and during that session the psychologist basically told me that she thinks I have AS and that the other psychologist will probably agree as well. So, I'll very likely get a diagnosis today (though I won't get to know about until about two weeks when I'm supposed to meet up with the psychologist again to start going though the results of the assessment) and I don't know how to process that. Since the psychologist told me about it on Tuesday this week, I've been trying to figure out how I'm supposed to feel but I don't know if I should feel sad or relieved, angry, worried, devastated or happy, a mixture of all of that or something else. I don't know. Everything just feels really strange. Even the fact that my almost 3 year long quest to figure out if I have AS is over feels strange.

Anyway, I've been trying to distract myself from thinking for a few days but it hasn't really worked. Yesterday I did something I don't usually do: I drank a whole lot of alcohol together with my two closest friends. I had a good time in the beginning. The alcohol took away the anxiety and I enjoyed myself (though I hate the person I become when I'm drunk since that's not really me, do you know what I mean?). However, after a few hours I sat down on the floor and we listened to some music that I really like and I just broke down. I started crying. I cried because of all the emotions I've been feeling during these past days (even though I'm not sure what I've been feeling) and because of how emotionally draining the assessment has been. I cried because of the fact that I'll probably be diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. I cried because I'm scared of not getting to see the psychologist who assessed me again when all of this is over (she's the first person I've talked to who has really seemed to understand what I'm going through). I cried because things will change. I cried because I'm scared and because I'm worried. I cried. I've never showed that much emotion in front of my friends before and they were quite surprised but they took good care of me and reassured me that a diagnosis doesn't change me etc (which I know, but still). I would probably have had some kind of breakdown eventually, even if I had been sober, just not in front of other people. I actually feel like crying now as well. Cry or hit things or hit myself or scream into a pillow or something. I don't know why. I don't like not understanding what I feel and why I feel like this.

It's tough. I still don't know what I'm feeling and how I should feel. I know I haven't gotten the official result yet so it feels a bit stupid to think about all of these things now but I am anyway, since it's very likely I'll get the diagnosis. I don't really know what to do or who to tell about the diagnosis etc. I don't know how people will react. I don't know if I want to tell people. I don't know much right now.

I'm not sure what I expect of people reading this post. I guess I just needed to get all of this off my chest but advice and things like that would be greatly appreciated.

What they are doing is not a result at all. It is an answer to a questionnaire. Given by humans. Who could be wrong. The results are already there. You're you. They don't actually give you results. They do not have the capacity for that. I know it is difficult, but try and relax. Think of your situation with these people like an expensive circus act. I hope you will be just fine.

I'm sorry but I'm not quite sure I understand what you mean. The assessment has been a lot more than a questionnaire and they'll give me the results of that assessment. Also, I don't understand why I should think of my situation with these people "like an expensive circus act". I'm not trying to be confrontational or anything, I guess I just don't really understand what you mean.

I know a diagnosis doesn't change who I am and that I'm already me but it's still tough.

Being diagnosed with AS is neither a condemnation nor life sentence. Instead, it should provide answers, a treatment plan, and a way to move forward. I got my diagnosis back in July and I'm 37. It was a strange mix of shock, not being surprised, and acceptance - all depending upon the moment. Know that you can function and you now qualify for help! Look at this as a positive.

I know and I certainly don't think it's a life sentence or anything. I think I'm just finding it hard to accept and I'm in a bit of shock even though, like you said, I'm not really surprised. I think part of me has been in denial for quite some time though so now I don't really know what to do. I hope things get easier once the psychologist has explained how she came to the conclusion she's come to.

EDIT: I think part of me is still in denial and I keep thinking that maybe the psychologist has completely changed her mind next time I meet her. That would be a major plot twist.

There are days when I wish I would wake up and just be an NT. The unfortunate reality is that AS comprises the cards of life that I have been dealt. The sooner I was able to accept this, the sooner I could reach out for help. If you want, PM me and we can chat at some length.

Just trying to calm your nerves a little. It is what it is. you are what you are. The assesment really changes nothing within you.

At least, once you have it in writing, you can let go of the back-and-forth regarding AS that you've been going through for years. That should help?
I doubt they'll simply kick you to the curb after going through a thorough diagnosis process, so you'll probably get more assistance as well.

Yeah, I'm hoping things will get better when I've gotten it all in writing, when we've gone through the result and when we've made some sort of "treatment plan".