my contributions do not matter because I'm not a real person

Post Reply New Topic

I have come to the conclusion today that nothing I do will ever matter to anybody because in the world's eyes I am not a valid person. I'm just some freak to get rid of as soon as possible.

I can't go into details for various reasons but I have an example:

I work as a software developer and I just finished a project that I consider to be some of the best work I have ever accomplished in my life. everyone was happy with the project which exceeded expectations and will make the company millions of dollars. As soon as I got some new employees up to speed on the project my contract as terminated one day after my birthday.

I was also flown out to this company at the beginning of the year to meet everyone and we did all of this ra ra go team BS and they tried to make me feel like I was a part of the team. at the end of it all I was feeling like I actually was worth something for a change in my life but the joke was on me. My new boss basically hated me the minute he set eyes on me and was cold the whole time. I was told that actually no I would not be part of the team I was just a contractor and I can forget about ever being an employee. this after promises of stock options, etc.

I knew then that he would stab me in the back the minute he got new hires in to replace me and sure enough after knocking a very important project right out of the park and making a lot of people happy I'm shown the door.


This is because people can sense on a subconscious level that I'm broken some how and they have a natural aversion to me because I'm wired differently. Nothing will make them see beyond that and so I could save the whole world and still be thrown under the bus for it and it's OK because I'm not a real human being I'm just some freakish animal thing that pretends to be human and is worthy of everyone's contempt just because I have the nerve to exist instead of just doing the decent thing and committing suicide or something.

I'm in my 30s and I have nothing to show for my life because every time I think I'm going to get somewhere I run across one of these people that just senses that I'm a worthless piece of s**t and they pull the carpet right out from under my feet. I suppose it's only fair because really I have no right to exist I'm a genetic defect that nature is rightly trying to remove from the gene pool. If I didn't have animals that I care for and am trying to support as best I can when I actually have money I would have checked out a long time ago.

I am so sorry to hear this. It's really saddening to see how low your self-worth is by what you have written here. You shouldn't feel this way about yourself at all. You are just as much a human being and have as much right to exist as anybody else, and it's a real shame that you're unable to see that. If anyone is a freakish animal it's those idiots who treated you like that after all the work you put into that important project. They have no right to make you feel the way you feel right now, like you're not a real human being. You've done the right thing by coming here and talking about it. I'm not an expert on situations like this but I'd recommend that if you're feeling suicidal call a suicide helpline or visit a counsellor or therapist or someone like that. I really hope that things get better soon

It's hard to feel you have value when every time you want to interact with people in any real useful meaningful way they tell you you are worthless both with words and actions. I've been the world's punching bag since the first day I went to public school all the way into middle age.

I can pretend to myself that I matter but honestly the only opinion that matters is societies opinion of me. and accoring to normal society I'm a fuckup because I can't hold a job down for more than a year at a time.

If you haven't made something of yourself by the time you are 30 you are never going to amount to nothing. and I pretty much proved everyone right that put me down over the years. as much as I tried not to believe it and rise above it all the bullies were essentially correct about me.

I do have some things to live for at the moment but I pretty much expect to live the rest of my life this way where I may get some real money for a few months or so and then move on to a year or two being unemployed and relying on friends to keep me from being homeless. I'm basically going to die poor and alone because I can't function like a normal person.

I have had help before and it was only because I had a job with health insurance at the time. The minute I started using my health insurance I was pretty much slated to be laid off and it sure enough happened a few months later.
it pretty much did save my life at the time but I have no health insurance now and likely wont for a very long time to come.


I was dumped off of insurance and had to come down off of an SSRI with no help and just whatever was left in my last prescription. worst thing I ever had to come down off of. I've been off the meds for almost 2 years now.

If I could get mental health care I would gladly take it but I live in america where unless your insurance is really good you simply can not get those kind of services (and they are some of the most expensive care you can possibly look for)

I'm just pissed off and tired of being kicked around constantly and needed a place to vent my bile.

You're not remotely alone. This exact derisive BS just happened to me @ Microsoft. Not going to self-censor because that's all this freaking is. We are people FFS. All the ergonomic accommodations I requested (afforded to my office neighbors) got ignored by the guy who fired me; I was out the door because I grew my hair out, when my contract expired (the acct. manager who interviewed me told me a week before that it was indefinite, being the nice girl she is) and I didn't care a day later. I was getting $10 per hour for terabytes worth of CGI work on the daily using proprietary tools and fixing my own Windows problems. This dude refused to give me domain admin creds - I couldn't even map a Microsoft mouse or update GPU drivers!

Put it out of your mind. You're above this. Edit: These pathetically toxic scenarios are a large part of why I routinely consult Mary Jane for many of my aimlessly soul-crushing gigs.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

If you still feel suicidal, call this suicide hotline ASAP: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

It's open 24/7.

Hey Betzalel.

Your contributions do matter, but unfortunately, for the majority of corporations and even small businesses, what matters at the end of the day is money. If they can find a recent graduate who is willing to work for a lower salary, able to take on more responsibilities, and perhaps work more efficiently, then that's going to help increase their yearly profit. I don't know where I'm going with this...it's just depressing to think of how people can be "disposable". Anyways, Catlover5 wrote some pretty positive words, so look over his/her advice.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You are still a real person. The real issue is that a good portion of companies, including yours, are driven more by profit and do not value people. The American version of capitalism is cruel and based on unending greed. It is sick and soulless. That is why our society is so unhinged. Depersonalization, dehumanization, greed, selfishness, and lack of compassion are vices that have become virtues. Do not let the actions of an obviously disgusting company make you feel like you are worthless.

I know this may not make you feel any better but I doubt this was personal. These kinds of things happen all the time.

You obviously are paid less than your value to a company. Companies make money by paying people less than they are worth. How would a company make money if it paid its employees their true value? There wouldn't be any money left over in that scenario so the company wouldn't profit.

As far as letting you go, it's probably because they were trying to cut costs.

I have no words. Explanations aren't rationale, language itself operates on disparity, for the weak minded that is. This guy is stronger, much like OP.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Truthfully, I don't believe having Asperger's has much to do with what you're going through--except maybe in a social, "old-boy network" sense. It's certainly a "handicap" which could be overcome through action by you.

As others have stated, what happened to you is reflective of the nature of at least some of corporate culture. This happens to NT's as well. And they feel the same way you do.

You certainly did not mean to be hyperbolic--but to tell yourself that you're not a "viable person" is, most demonstrably, quite hyperbolic.

You've attained college degrees. You have the respect of at least some people. You've probably done lots of decent things for your family. Perhaps, you are a "victim" of the corporate bottom line, and perhaps you don't "play the game" well.

But you are a viable person, and you will succeed eventually. Just follow the "latest trends," and make at least a superficial attempt to make friends.

It would be a total waste if you ended your own life, quite frankly.

Not that anyone cares but I have an update:
I had a complete and total meltdown that resulted in me being in a locked psyche ward for about a week and I'm on several medications now and about to have some appointments with several doctors on an outpaitent basis.

I also have a ton of paperwork and debt that I have no clue how I'm going to deal with in time since working with paperwork just makes me shut down completely which is why I'm also 4 years behind on my taxes...