Rants

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Spent so much.
Why is it that I spend so much right after getting something?

Sure I can split the whole thing off immediately, but it's like I still have a list of unending stuff to try out and acquire and see if it makes my life easier.

Half of it was a need -- not a pretend need, but the immediate stuff that has consequences if not attended soon enough.
And a good portion of these were held off for years now.

Like how I got a bike after more than half a decade working, having to pay thousands so I won't be late or having to walk back home.
Like how I've yet to get a blood work. I don't even know if I'm actually anemic or something else.
Like how it took me years which antihistamine works best for me without making me wonky and choose between disruptive symptoms or crappier work performance.
Like how that decade long chronic background headache is gone few years ago as opposed to my childhood or even teenage years.
Like how my first glasses at 14 wasn't replaced for over 7 years.

Heck there's already new -- like having my tooth bridge chipped. And where the sources of sore fingers come from. And that ants refuses to leave my bathing towels alone. And trying to figure how to get rid of pests -- it ate through my stuff.

I keep having to make do with anything I have, sure but...

I'm not getting younger. I'm not getting faster. I'm not becoming more enduring.
I hadn't able to solve what's really happening to me due to stress and all I got was this coping mechanism that costs me more than half I spent the whole time.

It's not special interest, it's food.
Why food? I can withhold food, but was it wise for me to?? What is it that my body is looking for??
I know what NOT to consume. But why is it harder for me to withhold it?

Why is it not getting easier??

Gained Number Post Count (1).
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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

surprise, all the things you can not do anymore on the pc
but now im all modern, and progressed

how things go? dil was suddenly discharged from the hospital at 12 in the night, with -10°, must be good for your health, son had to pick her up and leave gs alone at home? all kinds of things can go wrong in wintery mountain roads
next new rule?????? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5M9elm5jdw

to the bank, to the bank

They stopped having the bags I like at the Woolworths. They try to sell me these cloth bags but I don't want to pay a whole dollar.

I'm sick of Woolworths. From now on I'm only going to Foodland.

Except that Woolworths is open later than Foodland, sometimes I want to go shopping and Foodland is already closed.

We haven't had a "Woolworths" since about the 90s.

Woolworths was a big part of my Queens childhood. I used to be envious of all the people who can order lunch and a fruit drink at one of their counters. Couldn't do that on my $1 a week allowance.

Broadband internet is annoying & is down again. I am now posting on my sim card data/internet. Grrr.

Just laying on the bed quietly listening to the rain lashing on the windows, as it's so calming for me. Then the baby upstairs starts howling, so the peace is interrupted.

It is utterly exhausting trying to dig yourself out of a hole.

I need out of this house. I cannot deal with my mom's boyfriend's erratic, bipolar behavior (I'm not using that flippantly, he has bipolar and is unmedicated), nor his verbal abuse towards her, nor her defending it, nor my grandparents living in an RV in our f*****g alley and having to take care of their ancient tumor-ridden dog who s**ts in random spots in the basement because he's almost completely blind. I don't feel comfortable in my own house leaving my room or even going to the bathroom sometimes because I know he's here, especially because his job shuts down any time it's this cold.

The problem is that I don't know how exactly I'm going to do that. I don't make enough to live on my own. I can't drive - perhaps that is changeable, but I also have terrible dyspraxia. I tried to look at going off to college somewhere, but there are two schools in Kansas that offer library science, the only thing I'm interested in at this point (though I think the entire idea of dealing with capitalism for the rest of my life is bleak). One of them is currently having a scandal due to cutting a bunch of arts degrees and getting rid of tenured professors, the other one is a massive campus that I would get lost on trying to walk, let alone dealing with class size and trying to find a place for myself. It would be 7th grade all over again.

My teeth and digestive system are damaged from the rare syndrome I dealt with very likely due to trauma. The teeth are fixable, but it's also going to be pricy. But it's so gross every time I look at myself. Once my teeth are fixed I might honestly start doing sex work, or at least offer myself up to a rich old man in exchange for food and shelter. I'd rather be a living <redacted> toy than deal with living in this house any longer. At least you know you're wanted by somebody then.

No one f*****g helped me when I was a kid and then they just left me to pick up the pieces. I can't even tie my shoes.

And what really hurts is that I almost had it at one point. I had a boyfriend who wanted to make serious moves with me and I shut him out because I'm a coward and a moron. I wish I was with him. I spend too much time thinking about him, especially because his Twitter bio says he's taken. I hope he's doing well. I just wish it was with me. I would never actually reach out to him again - I torched that bridge to ash.

Call me Maroon 5 because I am in f*****g Missouri...er, misery.

Donating a lot of my stuff away.

Really, what's the use of 5 empty record books and notebooks when I never written a thing in it for over a decade?
And what's the use of a plan that was never executed for the entire said decade when buying said record books?

I can't use them all up I'm sure.
And I couldn't finish those plans then, and then was when I had more time and space, so why do it now when I got less??

The said can be the same with tools and materials I never used, with projects that never started or finished.
If I really want it, why wouldn't be done already? And if I did it, would I use it? Could I give it away or sell it?

And also other stuff -- why quit crocheting? Because it's not ergonomic enough.
Sure it's one thing to get by making stuff with the ones I can get my hands on, yet I can't exactly get by with a broken hand that had to stop if I still need to keep going, yes?

Why throw away those chopsticks? Because I never use it. Why put that mug downstairs? To use it.

Why give away those silk screens and meshes?
Tried paper making, and find that it's too time consuming, took too much space and the hassle that it's not worth it despite having more than enough supply to act on it.

And so much more.
Right now I'm debating whether I'm giving away my college lecture notes and handouts since I couldn't or have the time to recycle it.
I sure heck can't give away my sister's.


Really what's the point of having all these stuff when I don't have the time to use it?
And when I have time, I still didn't do a thing??


The point of all of this?..
Why can't I able to devote myself of whatever choice I chose? What is this cyclic desire seeking, this enticement over promises that won't come true?

And I don't want to be like my mom who just buys things and do not use it or have it lying around. I want to be a minimalist yet why does it lead this way?!

I just want to control all of this for myself.
My choices. My will. Not this deadended subconscious decisions and patterned impulses.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Fed up with having to permanently wear headphones all the time because the tossers upstairs won't stop banging about. I just want to watch the TV, relax, talk to my boyfriend, etc, and I can't do any of those with headphones on all the time. Fed up with it. Don't these people upstairs ever have a life? They are always there, all day, every day. Me and my boyfriend went out yesterday to see his family. Why can't we live below people that do things other than stomp around the apartment all day? Yes we have actually spoken to them politely about it but they didn't really give an answer and they're still making a noise, right up until 3am. It's not music or anything, it's just thump, bonk, bang, scrape, rumble, bump, thud, crash...all day and most of the night. I think they finally go to bed at around 3am then get up at like 7am and the stomping and thumping begins all over again for the next 18 hours. And this is no exaggeration. They're that bad.

generative grammar. as if it's a valid (empirically verifiable) theory.

Anytime anyone's interested in me I feel myself shutting down in real time. NT interactions make me feel like I'm never going to be able to keep up. It's frustrating. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to accept myself.

I’m quirky, and don’t mind quirks in others, unless those “others” take their crap out on me. Like yell at me, or tell me I’m a bad person for not sharing 100% of their beliefs.