Rants

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I've only ever been in love once, and it was with him. What a goddamn shame on my part that I figured out that out way too late with my stupid autistic brain and living in an environment where I was just scared to love, couldn't acknowledge what I wanted.

"Say this to him" - last time I did I melted down like three days later because I'm psychotic/bipolar/whatever because I won't go to a doctor or a shrink who can actually figure out what the hell my exact chemical imbalance is.

What a f*****g mess.

God d-mn it, for just ONCE I'd like to go to one f-ing place on the internet without bumping into people who jerk off to animals.

Is that too much to f-cking ask!?!? Seriously. Everywhere I f-cking go. Every place I go to try and relax and have fun. I run head-first into a bunch of freaks.

I wish people could just leave me alone for once and not constantly f*****g pick on me. It's worse when the same people people try to gaslight me into thinking that I'm the as*hole for not tolerating their behaviour.

I hate it when people take advantage of me. I literally have to put in so much effort to act like a completely different person in order to protect myself. I wish people would accept me as I am.

Don't want my cousin to have a baby. It just feels like a huge step she's taking and she's one of those people who I can't imagine getting pregnant so it's hard for me to get my head round it. Some people don't understand what I mean, they just say, "quit being jealous" and "you can't stop her". OK, maybe there's a tiny little bit of jealousy there in my feels but it's not the whole reason. This particular cousin having a baby is going to change everything. I suppose I won't go into it all here for privacy reasons but I'm entitled to feel things and this situation is just eating me up inside. My cousin and her fella both drink alcohol and both do drugs, which isn't good for a start when you are planning on becoming parents. Her fella is the free-spirited sort who bases his life on personal hobbies and alcohol and clubs and gigs and stuff. I can see where this is heading. My cousin will just have this baby so that she wouldn't have to work, and knowing her she'll probably get too stressed or tired with the baby and so would dump it on her mother - which is what I'm scared about. I really don't know why they're doing this. Her mum tells me that they don't want a baby at all, but my cousin sounds adamant to me that she wants one and tells me they're trying but aren't getting anywhere (meaning she's not falling). So they're probably having hard sex for an hour every night until she falls pregnant. Then what? Both give up alcohol, drugs and nightlife and dedicate their whole lives to this kid? I don't think so. Things are going to get real sh***y. And it will affect me.

I'm really hoping they pull out of this bright idea of having a baby. I don't think my cousin is thinking this through. It's as though she's having a baby just for the sake of having a baby. And I can't tell her not to. Neither can her mum. But it'd mostly be us who'll suffer the consequences, I just know it. I don't want it to happen. I'm hoping her fella's sperm count is so low that it'll be impossible to get pregnant. But if they're trying and trying to make this baby then it's going to happen one day.


Maybe it will be a good thing if Russia decides to blow the world up. At least it'd be the end to all my worries. And I'll be with my mum again.

Why does a couple WITH A BABY have to live above us? Why does everyone have a baby? And why does the particular baby that lives above us have to cry 24/7? I know babies do cry but some are criers more than others and this one happens to be a crier. Its cries travel through the floor and it's so loud that it might as well be in the same room as me. I hate the cries babies make. Why did nature give them a pair of powerful lungs that make them go wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (noisy inhale) wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

i remember when my son was a baby he wouldnt stop crying and i was so tired one night and so exasperated that i threw him on the sofa,not enough to hurt him or anything like that but i just hated nature at the time for giving babies such loud mouths i mean he was fed and changed and burped so i didnt know what else he wanted

i was a single mum as well and my baby was an accident

i thought i hated him at one point but i didnt really

he is 16 now and is loved by me always will be

I really, really wish I didn't have an apartment that shared a wall with the back stairwell of my building. My neighbors can be loud as f**k sometimes and it pisses me off.

... Is this house's living room and dining room actually a living and dining room?

Or a dog's territory full of piss, dog vomit and literal sh*t?!



I hate that dog.
I hate that dog living in this house.
I hate that dog that I never agreed to ever live with. I wish it died or run away already. Or at least out of my senses.

I resent my mom at the fact she's responsible for that damnable dog. I resent her for taking in an invader who took over the entire living and dining room in the first place...


I ain't the only one complaining.
The damnable stench can reach outside and the neighbors will and did smell it.

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I don't really rant that much.

I mean, the only things I seem to rant about are things involving me; my own behaviors/feelings that annoy/upset me and sometimes those of bad life events involving others, but this is more therapy to me. I guess I bother myself the most. Other than being an emotional mess sometimes and those times I've sadly been a judgmental jerk (regardless of the reasons, it doesn't matter), I guess I'm easy going when it comes to most things (I'm told this by someone who generally has a more objective view of me than I do). Which sadly, likely led to me putting up with things in my life that I shouldn't have.

That'll be my rant, and it's again against myself.

My drunken-ass mum has, like, 10 different ways of pronouncing "Ukraine" and they're all wrong.

My mum's bald English boyfriend says there really should be a war so all the people who have it so easy these days can see what a hard life is.

But he is worried about the effects of a nuclear winter, which would cause there to be no rain in the summer and lots of radiation in the winter. He has no idea what nuclear winter means.

My mum shouldn't drink so much and the pair of them should keep their idiotic observations on politics to themselves.

Don't get me wrong, my mum isn't a mean drunk, but a really, really annoying one.

I hate people who associates autism as a form of unreliability.
I hate that people dismisses any other reasons abd instead because I'm not reliable is because of autism.


I want a f*****g check up and treatment against whatever undiagnosed crap I've been coping since adulthood, not an "attitude change".

Why not get a check up and a treatment?
Oh, I don't know?! Cause my daily transportation costs a good 40% of my daily income.

And everyone else around me have their own problems, worse than I ever worry about.
I refuse to be someone else's problem.

The times I suddenly became really good and acting like my own age? It was never any stupid attitude or even habitual change, no!
It means whatever fckking menace I've been damned dealing wasn't there at that moment.

I'm ill, not immature.
At the same time, I'm utterly frustrated.

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Masking is awful, and I don't know how NT people can't tell you don't really give a s**t about every f*****g thought they have to share. Obviously I'm just being polite or I'd be more engaged and enthusiastic. You learn to mask to get them to shut up, but they just keep f*****g talking.

Also how they think everything is a euphemism or exaggeration, because that's how they communicate. When I say I don't know how I can do this anymore, it's not me whining. It's an explanation.

Why do so many neurotypical people just feel like children in the way they talk? Always the noise and nothing to say.

f**k Putin!...that's all.

I probably shouldn't talk when I'm feeling so bad. Oh well, at least I'm seen at my worst.

Life keeps on getting worse for me. It makes me feel guilty and a burden for mentioning it, but it's that truth and I shouldn't hide it. I really have no idea how I can go on, but I have to, because that's what I do. As disabled as I am (severe mental illnesses and autism), and how I had to look after myself and my mother, who was equally as disabled as me, she's now far, far more disabled. I feel like I failed there, that I caused the brain damage, as I should have done more to get her take the medication she didn't want to take. So yeah, I feel f*****g terrible. I've gladly forgone food and water for a few days for her until I can get more, because there's only enough for one person.