So evidently, I'm super-depressed

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AJisHere
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11 Feb 2016, 11:57 am

That's good to hear. I hope you get to the bottom of all that and find something that works for you. I would caution you not to ignore autism or write it off as irrelevant, but if there's something else going on or you've been misdiagnosed? It's really important to know that.

For me, the diagnosis is not in doubt; but it's looking like there may be other things piled on top of it and it's hard to tell them apart; so they've gone untreated.


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11 Feb 2016, 1:26 pm

I did not say I ignore the diagnosis, or even that it is in doubt, merely that it is irrelevant.

I think your line of questioning still echoes that. Seeing the other people at the support group constantly "stuck" in one place made me glad that I didn't really relate to anyone there. When I say irrelevant, I think it is irrelevant to who I am today. So many of the questions during the sessions I had for diagnosis were related to my behavior as a child and adolescent. I can barely remember who I was then, other than to know I am so much different now.

I know there are personalty traits that will always be with me. I will dislike clutter, my acute senses will make it impossible to focus if there is a distraction, and I will need time to decompress from the day. But I've always lived with those traits, whether or not I had a diagnosis to explain them.

I think I've realized the reason why I don't feel like I fit in at the autism group, or even in this forum. I believe I can change, and I believe I have. The diagnostic criteria lists several persistent deficits and difficulties in communication. It then states that those deficits exist either currently or by history. As far as I'm concerned something that is in the past cannot be persistent. So, while I understand the diagnostic is inclusive of those currently or previously experiencing deficits and difficulties, I think once those difficulties become part of the past they become irrelevant to the future.

I don't want to be part of the group that thinks they will never change. That would be anathema to my very being. I don't want to be part of a group that makes excuses or blames others because they don't quite "get it." I want to just keep trying! I'm very stubborn. And I will keep trying to find people I do identify with.

You've helped me on my way.



AJisHere
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15 Feb 2016, 12:52 am

Thank you, I feel very good about having helped! :D

I can totally relate to your frustrations about feeling like a lot of people on the spectrum get stuck where they are and don't try to move forward on it. There are a number of reasons someone would do that, but I find it very upsetting much like you seem to.

I don't feel like I fit in very well here, either. One peculiar thing is that it often seems "NTs" are more able to "get me" than most fellow aspies seem to be. I've met a few here who can manage it, and most of them have posted in this thread (you stand out in particular, we're of the same mind on a lot of these things). So... there may very well be some people who can understand even if they can't always relate. I think I'll stick around here for now, but won't blame you if you choose not to do the same.

Autism isn't part of my identity. It's adjacent to it. This is a very difficult concept for a lot of people on this forum to grasp and I notice a lot of confusion when I tell them that autism is not a part of me. It's shaped me and will continue to do so, but it's not tied to my sense of self or who I actually am. Know what I mean?

My one word of caution; while we do change, it's just important to note that some changes are in how we approach something or how it affects us rather than the thing itself. I've really f****d myself over in the past by thinking that some aspect of my autism had gone away when in fact it just worked differently after changes in my life. It's important to know yourself; both your potential and your limitations. Everyone has 'em.

That's my experience with it. Yours may be different in which case that advice won't be of much use, but I wanted to share it in case it is helpful.


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Yes, I have autism. No, it isn't "part of me". Yes, I hate my autism. No, I don't hate myself.