I want some attention.

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Not much is happening in my life these days. Job has become more stable, I have more structure, I am broke financially but I can live with that.....

The only drama happening in my life at the present moment is the drama inside my own mind. Constant replays of past traumas taunt me. The pervasive feeling I have is grief over what never was, and what will never be.

I do not want to stir up any drama for its own sake. I do not want to whine, b***h and moan.

I just want to light up a joint and pass it around the room. Watch cartoons, play video games, write about my experiences and feelings (since I seem to be incapable of verbalizing them all that well), have some good company. I don't even want praise, I just want to feel somewhat less isolated in my pervasive feelings of grief.

I will move past this stage. Eventually.

Basically, I want a bit of attention, but I do not want to actively manufacture drama based upon my past and based upon my bloodline in order to obtain it. That about sums it up.

You seem to be doing better than you were a few months ago.

I'm glad your job is stable. I understand that can be "boring." But it's lots better than not knowing whether you'll be evicted or not.

Thanks, kraftiekortie.

The thing is, I started working my Fourth Step a few days ago. I want to retreat into oblivion and bourbon, but we all know that is not going to help the situation. I really do not want to face my character defects. I want to be distracted instead.

The way out is through, I know. Nobody said this was going to be easy. I have to really be brutally honest about who I am and what I stand for, and that scares the f**k out of me. I really do not know what I am going to find while working this step.

I guess what worries me the most is that I come from a bloodline that is overflowing with abuse and narcissism. Those genetics are carried in me. And I really do not want to think of myself as being capable of keeping the chain going.

Yes - I'm not the slightest bit puritanical, and god knows I've drunk enough of it in the past, but the bourbon oblivion thing is a bad one in the longer term. I don't take my own character too personally these days.

Wishing you very well.