Other Aspies socialize better than I do.

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Grammar Geek
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16 Sep 2016, 2:40 pm

I've met a few people with Asperger's (by their own admission) over the last couple years, and they seem almost NT to me in their socializing ability. They can come up with things to talk about and know how to ask questions and keep conversations going. I don't know how to do any of that. Whenever I meet another Aspie, I feel like I'll finally meet someone else who can't talk to people and just stays quiet, but their conversations skills seem to be effortless and I appear stupid because I'm not saying anything unless asked a direct question because I don't have the processing speed to come up with a response. Even among others of my species, I'm the follower in a conversation; I'm never the leader because I don't know how to be, and I feel like I'm disappointing people. I know a lot of us have the opposite problem; many Aspies are conversation hogs and drone on and on about their special interests. I'm good at not doing that, and so are most of the other ones I talk to, but I just don't know how to talk about anything.



FluttercordAspie93
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16 Sep 2016, 2:50 pm

Some Aspies take the time and initiative to learn body language and social skills. I knew someone on here who did just that, so it's not impossible.



BTDT
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16 Sep 2016, 3:07 pm

As I get older it seems to be easier to talk about stuff as I'm continually learning new stuff to talk about--while still being able to remember stuff I did decades ago.



TheAP
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16 Sep 2016, 3:28 pm

Same here! With many of the other Aspies I've met (not all though) they seem to be better at conversation than I am. I can't remember if there are questions asked, but they manage to keep the conversation going, laugh about things, and really connect. I can't do that. Part of the problem is that they have special interests in common they can talk about, and I have special interests but they're hard to talk about, or most people don't share them. Also, they're a lot more outgoing and random than me, and I have trouble knowing what to say in conversations. So it makes me jealous of them a lot of the time.



Kiriae
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16 Sep 2016, 4:38 pm

I am one of those aspies who do pretty well with socializing. Not so well as NTs obviously and not so well as some other aspies (especially self diagnosed ones -_-') but I pass and can have fun during some small chat.

There are times when I don't know what to say, especially when 2 or more people hold a heated discussion. It might not even be that I don't know what to say but that I don't know when to say it because there is no break. I can't understand how people recognize when it is good moment to speak during that times. When I try it ends up I am interrupting or someone interrupts me.

But overall I am pretty talkative. When I hear something interesting I actually have trouble controlling myself so I don't interrupt. I can even join discussion of some strangers if they talk about something I happen to know a lot about.
The trick it to listen carefully and compare what you hear with what you know.

Real life conversations in groups are not that different from online forums except the topics change in a flow - there is no separate "room" for each of them. You just need to listen, keep silent when you don't have anything to speak and speak out when you hear something interesting, even if it isn't your special interest (actually don't talk about your special interest - it makes the talk go awkward, stick to casual stuff such as the weather, the school, the TV, the computer games, the cinema - stuff like that).

You also need to nod and smile every now and then. Jokes and stupid comments work miracles too.

Small talk is something you can learn. http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Small-Talk

I know it is hard to think of something interesting to talk about - I was like this a few years ago. Literally all I could talk about was an online game I was obsessed with and I thought I have nothing to talk about with other people. But I learned.
You need to watch your surroundings for cues. For example today I made some small talk with mom about a plane and about the moon.
<me looking at the dark sky and seeing a point of light, staring for a while, trying to figure out what it is>
Me: An airplane. (just a comment, not question or anything, mom also didn't ask me what it is, she might not even see the airplane)
Mom: Oh. Is it going to Kraków? (We often see planes landing in Kraków and the plane was going in that direction)
Me: No. I think it's starting from Katowice... (staring - the plane looked like it come from Katowice direction, sometimes the planes from Katowice fly over us too)... Yup, seems so. It just turned off its light. They do so when they are high enough so it must be going up.
Mom: I didn't know you know so much about airplanes.
Me: I don't. (meaning I don't know "so much") <laugh>
Mom: <laughs>

Mom: Wow, look at the moon. (it seemed to have more red color than usual)
Me: Yeah.
<silence>
<a few minutes later I go to computer and I happen to read about moon eclipse on a forum so I went to mom>
Me: I know why the moon looks so red. Tonight is a moon eclipse!
Mom: So that's why father is so pissed off today (dad was in bad mood whole day). Werewolves sense it.
Me: <laugh>
Mom: <laughs>