I wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself in the head

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I don't know what I can do to be helpful, except to say that I am grateful that I have encountered your mind here.

In some way, I see my own episodes of depression as similar to rage and panic. They are horrible to experience, but they always pass.

Depression can take much longer and when it robs of you the ability to take pleasure in the things that normally brighten your life, it can seem so very bleak. But then, it does pass and you look back on it and realize that things which seemed eternal and insoluble were fleeting and dissolved in time like everything else.

I really hope it gets better for you quickly and you can rediscover joy in the simple pleasures of life before you get hold of that gun.

I take Androbot's suicide plan very seriously. I once had a good friend who was partially blocked in her career goals, due to the fact that she had been hospitalized for a suicide attempt (overdose) and this was found out by her department, who thought she was too unstable to continue. She was bipolar. She did shoot herself, very dramatically, in the department, after taping her goodbye messages on the department's video equipment.

I was gutted, and so were a lot of other people. Six months later, another person in the same department also killed himself, someone who wasn't advancing very fast in his career, and I think it was likely a contagion effect (copycat of the first suicide). These contagion effects are seen when one or two people in an organization (such as a school or college) kill themselves, then a rash of others follow. The act of following through with a completed suicide seems to validate it as a reasonable alternative, to people who might not have gone down that road.

Androbot, you may be unwittingly contributing to other people's death. If you must do this, the noble way is not to publicize it. We'll never know, we'll only observe that we haven't seen you in a while. Of course, you are getting a lot of support from your stated plan, but I think people here like you and support you even when you are not in crisis. How about coming down off that ledge and allow us to be your friends.

Medical Transcription Editing. I am about 3/4 through, but have been slowed down the last month because of moving and starting this job. I am questioning my taking this job though because their technical support is lousy. They sent me a cpu that doesn't work, so I have not been able to keep up in class. I emailed my teacher to see what to do and she hasn't gotten back to me. I think it may be more of a pain in the ass than it's worth. If I finish my course I can start working at home right away and the pay is way better for transcription than for cable support.


It's important to keep moving forward, like the shark that can't breath when still.


Not really. Once I have a plan I tend to stick with it (although I am open to modifying it.)


Oh I don't doubt it. If I wasn't medicated I would probably shoot myself as soon as I got the gun in my hands, but luckily the pain is muted.


Thank you, likewise.


For me it's despair.

Just a numb grinding of gears. What doesn't seem to change is my brain malfunction. And I'm sick of it. It's like being stuck in second in a care race.

If I were to rediscover these things it would be after thirty-five years of not experiencing them. I don't think it's going to happen, but sure, it could; you never know.


Good Lord, I would never behave this way.


Probably, but the problem may also be this department.


For sure it would.
Recently in Canada we had a new assisted dying bill passed. For a brief time while they were modifying it, it was legal to assist the mentally ill to die.
I suppose it was this that got me thinking that maybe I'm not wrong to think of suicide as an option.


I'm not on a ledge so much as in a quiet contemplative cave. I'm not going to do anything rash. Although, I am thinking of telling my new employer to get stuffed. I am not impressed with them and fear that their lack of support and communication is a bad sign of things to come.

Regarding others' feelings of validation regarding their own thinking about suicide when they read mine, I am not concerned. Everyone has to follow their own path. We all effect each other all the time, but what one does is their own responsibility.

Howdy. I've been staying away from here for awhile because this place has been depressing me. However, I'm posting this because I come with experience on this subject. I think the people who really want to commit suicide will do it and there isn't one damn thing anyone can do about it. I think that there are some people who really just can't find any happiness in life. My father is one of these people. Nothing excites him in life - he has no hobbies, watches no tv, doesn't read, has no friends - nothing. He's been that way most of his life. He tried to kill himself the pill route and almost succeeded, but didn't learn anything from it and still says he would do it. He even thought I'd let him use one of my guns. Whatever.

In my job I have found that the people who want to do it, will do it. However, the ones that have been saved wish they hadn't done it - the other ones not saved don't get that choice anymore. I've seen suicides go horribly wrong and the person ends up worse than before on a ventilator probably never to be the same again. The drug overdoses will end up with messed up kidneys or liver. My father ended up on a ventilator and made it back with no medical problems. He's lucky and he still wants to do it again. I have had to learn that nothing will help in his circumstance except to distance myself in case he does it again. There are just too many ways to do it and I can't spend the rest of my life trying to keep him away from all the things he could use to kill himself. I have my own life to live. I can say that after he did try to kill himself, our relationship has never been the same. I finally forgave him for doing it because I had to for my own sanity and then I distanced myself from him just in case he decides to do it again. He's very medicated now. I don't know if that helps or not because I also think that medication and any kind of drugs and alcohol help contribute to more depression by numbing a person so much they have no zest for life. He's pretty much like a zombie now just going day to day which I can't really see that as much of an existence.

I have also thought about suicide, as well. Who hasn't? I think this is also where religion comes in because that is what has stopped me in the past. Believing that there is something past this life is comforting because if this was all there was - I would have went a long time ago. I think alcohol helped to contribute to my depressions too. Antidepressants only helped me for a short time, but ended up messing me up even more with the panic attacks they caused. Getting off of all the meds and alcohol helped me and exercise and having hobbies, friends and a goal to work towards (school). Being around people (work) who have many health problems that they have to endure and seeing how they fight to get through each day and keep living makes me grateful for the things and people I have in my life. I think also that if I stay at home like a hermit that that is when I feel the most depressed (when I'm depressed - not when I want to have time to myself) and can wallow in my own thoughts of feeling sorry for myself. I really do think that helping others is the key. There is a feeling you get when you help others (without a reward) that you can't get with any drugs - it's been scientifically proven. It makes you feel needed and like there is a purpose in life. Everyone needs to feel like they are needed. Try to focus on the good things in your life and get away from the things that bring you down. I have also found that the depressed-suicide feeling passes - my father now wants to recarpet the house - and life goes on.

Anyway, I'd say more, but I have a lot of homework to attend to. Hope that I have helped in some way.

Something that helps me is asking myself, "Do I really want to die, or do I just *really* want my situation and everything else to change?"

It helps me a bit, anyway. It shifts my focus from the thought of killing myself. I guess it's another way of asking yourself what you really, truly want to happen.

Yes, absolutely, and people who commit suicide make a decision so final that they can never move forward again.



The only thing keeping you from acting on the impulse is the medication? That's scary.

I was trying to say that I felt the impulse strongly, even though I knew beyond doubt that my medication-induced despair would pass quickly. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to resist the impulse when people aren't so sure when their despair will pass.



As long as you are either trying something different or improving yourself in some way, then yeah, it could happen.



Suicide isn't always a question of moral right or wrong, but the people left behind do tend to feel guilty. They worry, could I, should I, have done something differently? Could I have stopped this person? In that sense, it can be much worse than when someone dies of an illness. While this guilt isn't usually rational, the pain is still real. Also, suicide deprives the world of a person's potential good deeds, which really do add up over a lifetime.



This current job of yours certainly shouldn't cost you your life. Ditch it if that would make a difference.

You seem to have a good plan regarding the medical transcription. You're moving forward, in the hope that things will start to change for you.

Isn't that backwards though; if you believe there is something after this life, wouldn't you want to hurry up and get there?


Truthfully what I really want is to be able to enjoy my life, but because of the reasons I mentioned, I don't think I am capable of doing so. And I don't think I'm going to become capable of doing so.


Oh God, lol, if I wasn't taking medication I would have drunk myself to death as well as cutting at my arms. This is what I mean. My mind is broken and I cannot even function basically when I am not medicated. With medication I stop self-harming, but I'm not okay.


I used to care about both of these things, but I just don't anymore.

Midlife is like a tunnel I think, a tunnel open only at the far end where the light is. And in the middle of that tunnel is the darkness, where we can't see the way ahead at first. Then we see a Chinese of light in the distance, and head for it, eventually emerging. Unfortunately the only way out of that tunnel, which I remember so well, is to keep going through it. But there are rewards ahead too. I was able to see more clearly and be kinder to myself after I emerged from that dark midlife tunnel. This is what I wish for you too.

Churchill put it this way "When you are going through hell, keep going". Keep going androbot, and if you need a helping hand, sing out.

I love Churchill:

Wow. Powerful words and image. Hold on to those meantime. Churchill certainly knew the darkness himself.

......

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.
Winston Churchill

I relate to too much to quote in this thread.

However,

I have felt these feelings and have acted on them and I can honestly you don't want to get involved in hard drugs, you really don't want to get involved in any illegal drug. However, hard drugs will do nothing but bring about worse feelings then this. I have walked down this road and I got off it pretty quick. Death won't just be an option at that point but will be desired with the amount of pain that a real drug addiction causes. Plus I have seen people use $2000 worth of drugs in a matter of days, it is financially destructive, it is physical destructive and it is emotional destructive.

I like Churchill, too.

There is definitely a light. I can't say when it would reveal itself to you.

But there is definitely a light.

I have no great quotes.

But dammit.....there is a light!

If one were to consider the grand scheme of things, I believe you're here for a reason. However many factors have aligned at exactly the right moment for you to be brought into this world and be given consciousness is truly remarkable.

I agree. Hard drugs are more trouble than they're worth.

I third that. How are you feeling today, androbot? If the other day was a 10 (it can't get worse), then what number 10 or less would represent your overall feeling today?

About an 8. Having my plan is making me feel better ... and there's the debate tonight. Nothing to make you feel better like the possibility of civil war to the south.