Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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Oh, I'm sorry (that seems inadequate, but I really don't know how else to convey it - I'm awful at putting my thoughts and especially feelings into words).
I guess that's something to think about before doing it ourselves - for me, my depression tells me my parents would actually be secretly glad not to have to deal with me anymore and no one else would even really notice that I was gone, but some little part of me knows that it would actually be horrible for them. But sometimes it's hard to know which part to listen to, especially when the depression is so much more insistent.

^ I can tell you they won't be glad.
It's devastating, and leaves you wondering why for a lifetime.
If there's something you could have done.
And what was the thing that tipped him over the edge.
And was it perhaps a little thing that might have been solved but seemed insurmountable in his view.

Still miss my Dad.
We were alike.

It just feels like they're increasingly irritated with having to still take care of me, and I've been starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to support myself, and if not, well, if I don't have anything to contribute in return (which it doesn't seem like I do), wouldn't they be better off without me one way or another? Most of the time I think about suicide, it's because I want to stop being a burden to others. It's odd, at the same time I think this, I don't want to tell them, because I don't want to upset them. Maybe I feel like they'd feel a need to stop me if it wasn't too late yet, but if it was, they might get over it quickly enough. But when I'm thinking about it more rationally, I know that won't actually happen. I just need to find some way to remember that even when I'm... less rational.

On a brighter note, more kitties!

your mind's in a loop because you're trying to solve problems which are difficult to solve.
That's when your mind starts to throw out the suicide card.
It gets tired of trying to solve difficult problems and puts death forward as a rational solution.
Don't be fooled.
This is your mind playing tricks.
You take it as death, but it's not a literal death.
What you really want is the death of your weary old way of life.
I've been through this forever.
Hang in there.

This conversation would be considered by many to be grossly morbid.
Death has always been a special interest of mine.
I would have liked to be a mortician.
Or forensics photographer.
My dad was obsessed with serial killers.
My brother used to pick up corpses for a living, so it runs in the family.

my sister is in a similar situation. she also often says about how my parents are irritated by her, but they actually don't seem to be. they are sad because they want her to have a good job as she studied for it and her to grow and become independent, but they also know it isn't her fault so it doesn't make sense to be irritated by her – i guess it's something similar with your parents.

you feel like a burden because you didn't want to be in this situation, so you assume they see you this way too.


also it seems much more common that people are taking longer to become independent, so it isn't a problem specific with you.

I don't really want to start another thread, so I'll just post this here. I was actually in a good mood for once just a little while ago, but I still decided to pick the scab off a wound and scratch at it some more just because it was there, and then scratch at a place in my leg where a vein is very visible just because it was there. I feel like that's a bad sign. As I mentioned earlier, I also don't really see why I shouldn't do it (which is probably also not a good sign). I'm just using clothing pins, so I feel like I'm not really going to do any serious harm - I'm really scratching, not cutting, so it's not going to cause any significant damage if it slips, and I wouldn't die from just a pin prick even to a major artery, would I? Yet I still feel kind of like this is a bad thing - but I'm not sure if it's just because that's what society tells me. So I guess what I'm saying is, do I really need to stop, and if so, why?

Cutting yourself triggers the release of adrenalin, which is your body's way of reducing pain by a flood of 'hyper' chemicals.
That's why you get a buzz from it.
The bad thing is that it can become addictive.
Addiction means you've kind of become a slave to the act.
It's going to be calling the shots, not you.
And if there's any control freak around here, it's going to be me.
That's my take on it, anyway.

^ Aha.

Most addicts have a guilt/pleasure cycle going on.
They've found it's more effective to remove the guilt than to remove the substance.

You shouldn't kill yourself becuase I think you're pretty cool. Since you have a science degree that must mean you're pretty scientifically minded and the world needs more scientifically minded people. Also you helped hurtloam feel better in her thread. You seem like a nice person. The world would be worse without you.

I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist in November, and a follow-up appointment in December. It's something, anyway, and I probably really need it, but it seems like a long time away. Not sure what I'm supposed to do in the meantime. I've really been struggling with the urge to make myself bleed - it really does help me feel better in a way nothing else I've tried does. I think I'm past the point now where I might actually kill myself, although I still want to die - I just don't have such a strong desire to actually do it myself. The depression's still pretty bad, though.

I promised you that I would look for your threads in The Haven, and I just read your story. I am very sorry that I did not see this thread when you needed help the most. I hope you are doing better. How is your job search coming along? Are your parents treating you any better?



I know how you feel. I struggle with depression just as badly as you do, and I have been suicidal before. I cry a lot too, and I hate it. I still lived with my parents when I was 24 years old, and I finally moved out of their houses when I was 27 years old. There were times when I tried to talk with them about my problems, but they either did not want to listen, or they were not helpful at all. My job is nothing special, and I have worked the same job for the last eight years; it is the only job I have ever had. I had one boss that I really hated, and she did something to me one time that made me want to kill myself. It took me a really long time to get over it. I considered looking for a new job, but things eventually improved.



Just know that there is hope, and that it takes time. I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you, but if it does not work out, then you still have support on here. Good luck.