Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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blackicmenace
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25 Aug 2017, 11:07 pm



Music always brings me happiness, sing along and let yourself be happy.


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dragonsanddemons
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26 Aug 2017, 1:10 am

Thank you. I do have an appointment for Tuesday. I'm just having an especially hard time tonight. It's less cheerful, but speaking of songs, I'm really feeling this one right now...


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


dragonsanddemons
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07 Sep 2017, 9:37 pm

Well, I had been feeling better for a week or so maybe, but trying to find a job and failing has gotten me down again. After yet another fruitless job search tonight, I ended up having a meltdown that ended with me cutting myself again. Something about the sight of my own blood feels so... nice, somehow - I can't really describe it better than that. I'm having trouble seeing why I shouldn't do it. I scratch myself with a pin until I bleed - I don't use a blade. My thighs (where I usually do it now) already have scars, and my veins were always too visible there for the area to be pretty anyway, IMO, so what's a few more scars? And it really does make me feel better.

It just feels kind of like all my unanswered job applications and the countess jobs I investigate only to find I don't meet the requirements are fingers pointing at me and saying "Hah, you're not good enough - you'll never amount to anything."


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


dragonsanddemons
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08 Sep 2017, 12:45 pm

Bump. I'm having a tough time and could use some advice/companionship.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


dragonsanddemons
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09 Sep 2017, 10:55 pm

Bump again, if anyone cares. I may ordinarily act cheerful enough, but the truth is, I'm depressed, back to cutting myself (scratching myself, whatever you want to call it - making myself bleed) every other day to every day because it's the only thing that makes me feel better more than momentarily, and seriously considering suicide again. I could really use some advice, companionship, etc. - something that might help even the tiniest bit.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 10:57 pm

I doubt you would want my companionship.
I'm seriously depressed too.


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Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 10:59 pm

Here's a kitty.

Image


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Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 11:06 pm

Ok.
Well, nice talking to you.
I'll go nail myself to something now.


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dragonsanddemons
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09 Sep 2017, 11:08 pm

Raleigh wrote:
I doubt you would want my companionship.
I'm seriously depressed too.


That doesn't mean you're bad company, though. It helps just to know that someone cares at all. And actually, I've seen you post elsewhere, and you stand out to me as someone that I like (in a friendly way, of course). I can't really explain why, it's just a feeling I have.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 11:13 pm

^ In that case, I may delay my crucifixion.
Always difficult to get the last nail in anyway.


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dragonsanddemons
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09 Sep 2017, 11:18 pm

Raleigh wrote:
^ In that case, I may delay my crucifixion.
Always difficult to get the last nail in anyway.


Yes, please don't do it now.

Personally, I prefer the idea of sitting in the bathtub (for ease of cleanup for whoever has to deal with it) and just slicing myself everywhere I can see veins until I lose consciousness or just don't have the strength to do it anymore. Sounds enjoyable to me, actually, since I like the sight of my own blood.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 11:24 pm

what, naked?
Don't think I'd like to inflict that sight on anyone.
In my case.


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dragonsanddemons
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09 Sep 2017, 11:25 pm

Raleigh wrote:
what, naked?
Don't think I'd like to inflict that sight on anyone.
In my case.


No, not naked - just to make it easy to rinse the blood out after I'm moved.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 11:26 pm

Oh, ok.
You know they have professional suicide/murder cleanerupperers?
Would be an interesting job.


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dragonsanddemons
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09 Sep 2017, 11:30 pm

Hmm, I didn't know that. I kind of assumed the cleanup would fall to my family, assuming it was an obvious suicide, so no police investigation would be necessary. But I guess it makes sense - the family, friends, etc. of someone who died in that way would probably be too distraught to want to clean up the mess, and if it was in a more public place like a hotel room, the regular cleaning staff wouldn't be trained to deal with large amounts of blood and stuff.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Raleigh
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09 Sep 2017, 11:35 pm

My dad committed suicide and it's something that never really leaves you.
I have no idea who cleaned up.
I assume the police.


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