Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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sly279
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27 Sep 2017, 6:00 pm

FoxHugs



300series
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28 Sep 2017, 1:45 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
I promised you that I would look for your threads in The Haven, and I just read your story. I am very sorry that I did not see this thread when you needed help the most. I hope you are doing better. How is your job search coming along? Are your parents treating you any better?



I know how you feel. I struggle with depression just as badly as you do, and I have been suicidal before. I cry a lot too, and I hate it. I still lived with my parents when I was 24 years old, and I finally moved out of their houses when I was 27 years old. There were times when I tried to talk with them about my problems, but they either did not want to listen, or they were not helpful at all. My job is nothing special, and I have worked the same job for the last eight years; it is the only job I have ever had. I had one boss that I really hated, and she did something to me one time that made me want to kill myself. It took me a really long time to get over it. I considered looking for a new job, but things eventually improved.



Just know that there is hope, and that it takes time. I hope your psychiatrist is able to help you, but if it does not work out, then you still have support on here. Good luck.


I've applied for another job. I got an email yesterday saying that they wanted to call me and asking what time would work best for me. I have trouble speaking and being understood over the phone, so I'm very nervous about that. Same situation with my parents - most of the time it's okay, but sometimes their irritation with me is apparent. I think they think I don't pick up on it, but I do. I've been feeling better, though, since I really started socializing on here. I've been having good days and bad days recently - or sometimes even both in the same day. Last night I was actually in a good mood, but I still found myself idly wondering if I should die :? Haven't felt the need to cut myself in a few days, though, and I feel like for the time being, at least, I can trust myself not to do anything drastic, which is an improvement. I meet with the therapist I've been seeing again tomorrow. An hour every two or three weeks isn't really enough for me right now, but at least it's something. I really hope the psychiatrist doesn't think I need a med change - I hate going through that, but I will if I have to.

Thank you for the support. Big dragon hugs :)





I am glad that you received the E mail about the telephone call for the new job that you applied for, and that you are feeling better by communicating with members on here. I also have trouble talking on the telephone; calling people makes me extremely nervous. I hope things improve between you & your parents, and they will understand you better. I also have my good days & my bad days, and I am still crying a lot. The urge to not cut yourself & bleed takes willpower, so just stay strong. I hope your appointment with your therapist goes well, and that your therapy is helpful for you. I also understand your concern about the medication change because it has happened to me too. I have been on the same antidepressant medication for the last 15 years, but two years ago, I went thru a terrible phase in my life where my medication quit working. My doctor changed my medication, and unfortunately, I felt even worse than I felt before I started the new pills. I was acutely suicidal, so I went back on my old pills. It took time, but my old pills started working again, and things have gotten better. I really hope the same thing happens to you.



I am still here for you. Big dragon hugs back.



dragonsanddemons
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04 Nov 2017, 8:39 pm

Reviving this thread because I had a bit of a (most welcome) break from my depression, but now it's coming back, mostly because I feel like my parents really would rather not have to deal with me one way or another, so I wonder if I should address the issue. Since I still haven't managed to get a job, there's really only one other way to do that :( My urge to cut myself is also back - every time I notice the veins visible beneath my skin, I want to slice them open and watch the blood pour out.

The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday (although it's probably just going to be paperwork and stuff since it's my first appointment) - and it may be a stupid reason, but The Sims 4 Cats and Dogs expansion pack is coming out on Friday, and I'd really like to play that, so hopefully that will at least keep me going until then.

Drat, I was hoping the break was going to last and I wasn't going to need a med change - I really hate having to do that.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


AquaineBay
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04 Nov 2017, 9:17 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
Reviving this thread because I had a bit of a (most welcome) break from my depression, but now it's coming back, mostly because I feel like my parents really would rather not have to deal with me one way or another, so I wonder if I should address the issue. Since I still haven't managed to get a job, there's really only one other way to do that :( My urge to cut myself is also back - every time I notice the veins visible beneath my skin, I want to slice them open and watch the blood pour out.

The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday (although it's probably just going to be paperwork and stuff since it's my first appointment) - and it may be a stupid reason, but The Sims 4 Cats and Dogs expansion pack is coming out on Friday, and I'd really like to play that, so hopefully that will at least keep me going until then.

Drat, I was hoping the break was going to last and I wasn't going to need a med change - I really hate having to do that.


I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. It's good that your psychiatrist appointment is soon, maybe he/she will be able to help you.

Maybe you can use Sims 4 to distract you until then! Slicing your veins is a very dangerous thing to do and I would be sad if something happened to you because of that!



dragonsanddemons
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04 Nov 2017, 9:43 pm

AquaineBay wrote:

I'm sorry you are feeling depressed. It's good that your psychiatrist appointment is soon, maybe he/she will be able to help you.

Maybe you can use Sims 4 to distract you until then! Slicing your veins is a very dangerous thing to do and I would be sad if something happened to you because of that!


Thank you, it helps to be reminded that there are people who would miss me if I was gone. I'm glad my appointment is before the expansion pack comes out so that might keep me going until after my appointment. I'm trying hard not to give in and cut myself, because it's been a while since I've last done it, and the thought of the pain is a bit off-putting even if the thought of the blood is tempting, and I know if I do it once, I'll remember that the pain is worth it and be back to doing it for 45 minutes to an hour on a daily basis :( Technically what I actually do is scratch myself until I bleed, usually with a pin, so at least it isn't as dangerous as using a blade - I don't think a pinprick even to a major artery would kill me.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Raleigh
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04 Nov 2017, 9:55 pm

Can you cover your arms?
I used to do that, so I couldn't see them.
And I'd give my scalpels to someone for safekeeping.


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300series
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04 Nov 2017, 10:08 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
Reviving this thread because I had a bit of a (most welcome) break from my depression, but now it's coming back, mostly because I feel like my parents really would rather not have to deal with me one way or another, so I wonder if I should address the issue. Since I still haven't managed to get a job, there's really only one other way to do that :( My urge to cut myself is also back - every time I notice the veins visible beneath my skin, I want to slice them open and watch the blood pour out.

The good news is that I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Tuesday (although it's probably just going to be paperwork and stuff since it's my first appointment) - and it may be a stupid reason, but The Sims 4 Cats and Dogs expansion pack is coming out on Friday, and I'd really like to play that, so hopefully that will at least keep me going until then.

Drat, I was hoping the break was going to last and I wasn't going to need a med change - I really hate having to do that.





I am sorry that your depression is getting worse again. I know how you feel. I also hope that you do not hurt yourself & start bleeding; I would be sad & cry if anything happened to you. I really want to help you, and I wish I could do something to help you.



Have you had any luck with your job search? I hope your appointment with your psychiatrist is helpful, and that things will work out for you.



Big hugs.



dragonsanddemons
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04 Nov 2017, 10:18 pm

Raleigh wrote:
Can you cover your arms?
I used to do that, so I couldn't see them.
And I'd give my scalpels to someone for safekeeping.


I can try that - since the weather's getting cooler, it won't even look suspicious to my parents. It's actually usually my legs I do it on, and it's most tempting when I'm changing clothes. I started out just using my fingernails to scratch myself until I'd bleed. I'm not sure if getting rid of the things I use would actually help or if I'd just resort to that. It feels better to just have the option available. I feel very anxious about the thought of not having that option. It's a very good idea, though, for me to stay away from blades for a while - too tempting if I have one in my hand. Fortunately my mom usually does all the cooking anyway, so I don't have to chop vegetables or anything.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


dragonsanddemons
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04 Nov 2017, 10:20 pm

300series wrote:


I am sorry that your depression is getting worse again. I know how you feel. I also hope that you do not hurt yourself & start bleeding; I would be sad & cry if anything happened to you. I really want to help you, and I wish I could do something to help you.



Have you had any luck with your job search? I hope your appointment with your psychiatrist is helpful, and that things will work out for you.



Big hugs.


Thank you. Still no luck with jobs. If I had a job, that would help a lot, because then I could at least be saving up for my own place, and once I move out, I won't have to feel like a burden on anyone but myself, really.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


sly279
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05 Nov 2017, 1:31 am

Fox hugs
Please don’t hurt yourself :cry:



MarissaKay
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05 Nov 2017, 2:05 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I can try that - since the weather's getting cooler, it won't even look suspicious to my parents. It's actually usually my legs I do it on, and it's most tempting when I'm changing clothes. I started out just using my fingernails to scratch myself until I'd bleed. I'm not sure if getting rid of the things I use would actually help or if I'd just resort to that. It feels better to just have the option available. I feel very anxious about the thought of not having that option. It's a very good idea, though, for me to stay away from blades for a while - too tempting if I have one in my hand. Fortunately my mom usually does all the cooking anyway, so I don't have to chop vegetables or anything.


I don't know if this will help, but have you heard about how some people freeze credit cards? That way, when it melts, the person has time to decide whether they're wanting to use it for an impulse purchase or if it's something they really want/need. That may help you out a little: you don't want the option taken away, but make it REALLY difficult for yourself to access anything dangerous so that you have time to "ground" yourself and look at all of the good things and reasons to stay.

I hope you feel better soon. You're cared about and appreciated here. :) You're certainly not a burden.



dragonsanddemons
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05 Nov 2017, 1:59 pm

MarissaKay wrote:

I don't know if this will help, but have you heard about how some people freeze credit cards? That way, when it melts, the person has time to decide whether they're wanting to use it for an impulse purchase or if it's something they really want/need. That may help you out a little: you don't want the option taken away, but make it REALLY difficult for yourself to access anything dangerous so that you have time to "ground" yourself and look at all of the good things and reasons to stay.

I hope you feel better soon. You're cared about and appreciated here. :) You're certainly not a burden.


I haven't heard of that. That's a good idea - I can try to find somewhere inconvenient to put the things I use for self-harm, so they're still there, but not right where I can grab them on impulse, so I have time to stop and think "Wait, do I really need to do this now?"


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


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07 Nov 2017, 11:39 am

Well, I had my appointment today. It felt really awkward because the guy seemed to think I should know exactly what he wanted me to tell him before he'd actually asked, like he was annoyed at having to ask every time. I was also expecting a bit more than essentially just "What problems are you having? How long has it been going on? Have you had this kind of thing before? Okay, here, have some more meds, bye." :hmph:


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


300series
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07 Nov 2017, 12:40 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
Well, I had my appointment today. It felt really awkward because the guy seemed to think I should know exactly what he wanted me to tell him before he'd actually asked, like he was annoyed at having to ask every time. I was also expecting a bit more than essentially just "What problems are you having? How long has it been going on? Have you had this kind of thing before? Okay, here, have some more meds, bye." :hmph:





Hello again. I am sorry that your appointment with the therapist was unsuccessful. Therapists should be more sympathetic towards their patients that what you describe. Was he helpful at all, even just a little bit?



If you decide to go back to this therapist, then I hope it goes better; I have heard that it takes time for therapy to be effective. If things do not work out with this therapist, then you may want to consider finding another therapist that you like better. It is just a thought I had.



More big hugs.



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07 Nov 2017, 1:12 pm

300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Well, I had my appointment today. It felt really awkward because the guy seemed to think I should know exactly what he wanted me to tell him before he'd actually asked, like he was annoyed at having to ask every time. I was also expecting a bit more than essentially just "What problems are you having? How long has it been going on? Have you had this kind of thing before? Okay, here, have some more meds, bye." :hmph:





Hello again. I am sorry that your appointment with the therapist was unsuccessful. Therapists should be more sympathetic towards their patients that what you describe. Was he helpful at all, even just a little bit?



If you decide to go back to this therapist, then I hope it goes better; I have heard that it takes time for therapy to be effective. If things do not work out with this therapist, then you may want to consider finding another therapist that you like better. It is just a thought I had.



More big hugs.


We didn't even really talk in-depth about anything - I tried to start explaining why I'm depressed, but he was busy writing the prescriptions instead of really listening. I'm hoping it's just because it was the first visit and therefore intended mostly for getting information from me. I have a follow-up appointment on December 5, I'll see how that goes. If it doesn't go any better, then you're right, I should probably find someone else. I'd much rather get to the root cause of things and address that than just be given a bunch of medicine to try to help me feel better - the latter seems kind of like just sticking a Band-Aid over a gushing wound.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


AquaineBay
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07 Nov 2017, 1:30 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
Well, I had my appointment today. It felt really awkward because the guy seemed to think I should know exactly what he wanted me to tell him before he'd actually asked, like he was annoyed at having to ask every time. I was also expecting a bit more than essentially just "What problems are you having? How long has it been going on? Have you had this kind of thing before? Okay, here, have some more meds, bye." :hmph:





Hello again. I am sorry that your appointment with the therapist was unsuccessful. Therapists should be more sympathetic towards their patients that what you describe. Was he helpful at all, even just a little bit?



If you decide to go back to this therapist, then I hope it goes better; I have heard that it takes time for therapy to be effective. If things do not work out with this therapist, then you may want to consider finding another therapist that you like better. It is just a thought I had.



More big hugs.


We didn't even really talk in-depth about anything - I tried to start explaining why I'm depressed, but he was busy writing the prescriptions instead of really listening. I'm hoping it's just because it was the first visit and therefore intended mostly for getting information from me. I have a follow-up appointment on December 5, I'll see how that goes. If it doesn't go any better, then you're right, I should probably find someone else. I'd much rather get to the root cause of things and address that than just be given a bunch of medicine to try to help me feel better - the latter seems kind of like just sticking a Band-Aid over a gushing wound.


I'm sorry your first appointment was disappointing. I will probably go better after a while. When I went to my psychiatrist he really didn't ask me much either, it did get better overtime though. Was there anyone with you to help you talk with the psychiatrist?