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Why does no one want me to have a relationship?

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Antrax
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18 Apr 2019, 3:31 am

Fireblossom wrote:
I know how that feels too you know. And you know, at least you had people who you could talk with about this stuff. I haven't had someone like that since 9th grade, unless you count a few people in the internet that I've never met face to face. How do you know those women got a lot of attention? Did you witness it or did they talk about it openly? To me it seems that some men often assume that women get attention easily, but that's not always the case. There are plenty of us who get zero attention from men. Besides, are you sure it was positive attention and not some creeps who didn't take no for an answer?



Women can receive no attention, and men can receive unwanted attention, but I think it's fair to say that men receiving no attention and women receiving unwanted attention is more common. Studies of sites like Tinder have found that a much smaller percentage of men than women get matches.

What is at play here is the gender dynamics of men being expected to be the "pursuers." It's fundamentally inefficient for only one side to initiate relationships. Fortunately modern society has made it much more acceptable for women to ask men out, but it is still not all that common.


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18 Apr 2019, 4:39 am

serpentari wrote:
this thread is toxic

I agree to this. And you know the only healthy way to deal with it ;)


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18 Apr 2019, 5:20 am

Antrax wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
I know how that feels too you know. And you know, at least you had people who you could talk with about this stuff. I haven't had someone like that since 9th grade, unless you count a few people in the internet that I've never met face to face. How do you know those women got a lot of attention? Did you witness it or did they talk about it openly? To me it seems that some men often assume that women get attention easily, but that's not always the case. There are plenty of us who get zero attention from men. Besides, are you sure it was positive attention and not some creeps who didn't take no for an answer?



Women can receive no attention, and men can receive unwanted attention, but I think it's fair to say that men receiving no attention and women receiving unwanted attention is more common. Studies of sites like Tinder have found that a much smaller percentage of men than women get matches.

What is at play here is the gender dynamics of men being expected to be the "pursuers." It's fundamentally inefficient for only one side to initiate relationships. Fortunately modern society has made it much more acceptable for women to ask men out, but it is still not all that common.


True... then again, some men find it offending and unattractive if a woman tries to make the first move... but eh, whatever. If they cross me of their list of potential partners simply because I made the first move then I'm probably better off not being on that list. Oldfashioned relationship culture's not my cup of tea.



Harpuia
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18 Apr 2019, 5:54 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
Face to face? What are you talking about? All of those "friends" were online. I haven't had a face to face real friend that wasn't a significant other since maybe college. They would screenshot messages.

By advice it would be something like get plastic surgery or learn game or quit whining other stuff like that. The latter of which bugs me. Whenever they whine about being "lonely" everyone tells them they'll be loved for who they are. No one had said that for me. For me it was literally change everything I am. Whatever I did before, do the opposite.

So no my life has been the internet until like... January of this year?

P.s. also to answer your other question, your and serpentari's posts on page 1 were extremely hostile. Ask yourself would you tell a woman the same thing? Even if that person posted the same thread over and over again? If you can deeply honestly say the answer is yes you would tell her to get a life, cool. I'll stop here and apologize. If not, you should think about how the difference in how people treat genders when lonely lead to why guys act more erratic when lonely like this.

But that's the thing. I've been on FB. I see the difference in treatment. Then people turn around and wonder why lonelier guys either go crazy when lonely or go to great lengths like redpill or MRA crap. Wish it were actually discussed a little more instead of swept under the rug SO we have less issues like this.


I apologize for the assumption then, I thought they were people you knew face to face since you didn't mention them being online (in this forum people usually do.) But I do have to wonder why'd you even call them friends if you consider them so rude.

I didn't consider it hostile and still don't. My intention was just to be practical and tell that if he just wanted comforting then cool, but I'm not all that good at that so I would most likely not do it. Advice though is something I'd be willing to give. But if it sounded hostile to Markins too then sorry about that to him, that wasn't the intention.

Yes, I would answer another woman (and any other guy who's not Markins) the same way if they did this as often as he did and if I'd read as many of their posts in those topics as his. It's not a matter of gender for me. Also I don't recall telling him to "get a life."

I've seen the opposite in this forum, you know. I don't use L&D anymore, but when I did it was full of men belittlening my problems since I'm a woman. The message was basically "don't whine; you'd get a man if you weren't so picky."
Do you think that's okay?! And from what I've understood, I'm not the only woman here who feels this way.


That's fine. I'll bow out then.

As far as the other way around, of course not. Everyone deserves who they want.


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Harpuia
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18 Apr 2019, 6:04 am

BeaArthur wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
...your and serpentari's posts on page 1 were extremely hostile. Ask yourself would you tell a woman the same thing? Even if that person posted the same thread over and over again? If you can deeply honestly say the answer is yes you would tell her to get a life, cool. I'll stop here and apologize. If not, you should think about how the difference in how people treat genders when lonely lead to why guys act more erratic when lonely like this.

But that's the thing. I've been on FB. I see the difference in treatment. Then people turn around and wonder why lonelier guys either go crazy when lonely or go to great lengths like redpill or MRA crap. Wish it were actually discussed a little more instead of swept under the rug SO we have less issues like this.

Okay listen, this thread started by Marknis just echoes multiple other long threads on the same theme by the same OP. You are new to this forum so you can't possibly know that. But I have to shake my head at you calling for male loneliness to be discussed MORE.... It is discussed way too much already, in a fruitless and pointless way, just an eddy in the stream with no possible outflow.

There are two or three male loneliness writers here and one or two female ones that focus obsessively on the lack of romantic relationships available to them; and there are a number of other people who do complain about lack of friendships more generally. These are serious problems adults with autism can have, and I do not make light of them. But the suggested ways to deal effectively with the problem are often totally ignored by the authors who complain of lack of connection. I think most readers are tired of the sameness of these discussions that go nowhere. There are also a number of people who complain of lack of relationships, accept suggestions, try things, and slowly progress with their lives. Those are rewarding discussions to participate in. Those threads typically get cheerleading when the OPs do at least make the effort, and more so when there is a success.

I didn't see any except like this one and one other. Were they all getting deleted? I remember several threads getting deleted early on when I first came here which had made me cautious to open up a thread here about being bedridden the last few weeks due to a stomach bug, fearing it might tick someone off.


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18 Apr 2019, 7:53 am

Harpuia wrote:
BeaArthur wrote:
Harpuia wrote:
...your and serpentari's posts on page 1 were extremely hostile. Ask yourself would you tell a woman the same thing? Even if that person posted the same thread over and over again? If you can deeply honestly say the answer is yes you would tell her to get a life, cool. I'll stop here and apologize. If not, you should think about how the difference in how people treat genders when lonely lead to why guys act more erratic when lonely like this.

But that's the thing. I've been on FB. I see the difference in treatment. Then people turn around and wonder why lonelier guys either go crazy when lonely or go to great lengths like redpill or MRA crap. Wish it were actually discussed a little more instead of swept under the rug SO we have less issues like this.

Okay listen, this thread started by Marknis just echoes multiple other long threads on the same theme by the same OP. You are new to this forum so you can't possibly know that. But I have to shake my head at you calling for male loneliness to be discussed MORE.... It is discussed way too much already, in a fruitless and pointless way, just an eddy in the stream with no possible outflow.

There are two or three male loneliness writers here and one or two female ones that focus obsessively on the lack of romantic relationships available to them; and there are a number of other people who do complain about lack of friendships more generally. These are serious problems adults with autism can have, and I do not make light of them. But the suggested ways to deal effectively with the problem are often totally ignored by the authors who complain of lack of connection. I think most readers are tired of the sameness of these discussions that go nowhere. There are also a number of people who complain of lack of relationships, accept suggestions, try things, and slowly progress with their lives. Those are rewarding discussions to participate in. Those threads typically get cheerleading when the OPs do at least make the effort, and more so when there is a success.

I didn't see any except like this one and one other. Were they all getting deleted? I remember several threads getting deleted early on when I first came here which had made me cautious to open up a thread here about being bedridden the last few weeks due to a stomach bug, fearing it might tick someone off.


These threads have been going on for years.


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18 Apr 2019, 11:41 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
My therapist told me today I need to accept that a relationship isn't going to happen right now if I am not doing anything towards getting a relationship. She did understand when I told her how I've been feeling burned out on socialization, especially after a recent incident of someone getting mad at me and complaining about me to someone during a social event. My therapist also thinks I may need to try the online dating route even though my experiences with dating sites and apps have been severely frustrating.


That's what many here have been saying to you for quite some time, isn't it?
Those kinds of things happen all the time, more to us who are socially unskilled. If someone getting a little mad at you always makes you anxious, are you sure your mental health could even handle a relationship? What if you made your girlfriend angry? Wouldn't that cause an even bigger burn out since it's someone you care about? If you get a burn out because of something like that, are you able to talk things out like a mature adult? If the answer is no, I think you should put the idea of getting a girlfriend aside for now. Communication is the key you see, but if you can't do that...
But your experiences with trying to get a girlfriend have always been frustrating in real life too, haven't they? If so, then what's the harm in trying online dating, especially if you spend a lot of time on computer anyway. You don't need to use paid sites either; I'm sure there are some free ones. Besides, if you give up as soon as something feels frustrating, your chances of ever getting, not to mention keeping, a girlfriend are going to be low. In a relationship, there are going to be some frustrating moments. Will you give up on a relationship too once it becomes frustrating? You can't just give up rigth away when things don't go your way; that won't bring you any results, especially not the kind you'd like.


Well, I was already feeling burned out even before this incident but I was being encouraged to go on that day and my mind is constantly wondering if maybe things will be different. Being scolded certainly didn't help.

I feel like I would be handle it better than my family does with their relationships. My mother doesn't get that her constantly being a control freak and telling her husbands they are fat (What should she expect from redneck men in the first place?) is why she keeps getting divorced. My father keeps leading his mistresses on and wonders why he keeps getting swamped in drama. Both of my siblings treated their girlfriends like sex toys and ended up getting them pregnant.



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18 Apr 2019, 12:08 pm

Marknis wrote:
Well, I was already feeling burned out even before this incident but I was being encouraged to go on that day and my mind is constantly wondering if maybe things will be different. Being scolded certainly didn't help.

I feel like I would be handle it better than my family does with their relationships. My mother doesn't get that her constantly being a control freak and telling her husbands they are fat (What should she expect from redneck men in the first place?) is why she keeps getting divorced. My father keeps leading his mistresses on and wonders why he keeps getting swamped in drama. Both of my siblings treated their girlfriends like sex toys and ended up getting them pregnant.


So you misjudged your ability to handle tiring situations? Well, that happens sometimes, even to NTs or so I hear. Try to pay more attention to how much you can handle and learn to keep your head when you decide that it's a good time to leave.

Have you noticed how you're always badmouthing your family and the area you live in? I don't know them nor do I know the area, but I still think you should consider stopping. What good will it do to you to keep repeating how much better you are than them? It'll only make you bitter in the end, I think.

By the way, have you made any process on the things mentioned earlier?



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18 Apr 2019, 12:19 pm

Mark lives in central Texas, not far from Austin. He is on the "outer fringes" of the Bible Belt. If one lived in Oklahoma, one would be more in the "Bible Belt" than one in central Texas.

There are probably "rednecks" and "hip-hoppers" or whatever where he lives. But it can't be said that everybody there fits that description.



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18 Apr 2019, 12:37 pm

Only about half of the people in Austin and the surrounding region claim to be "religious" in some way, with about a 3:1 ratio of Protestants to Catholics. Only about 1 in 12 protestants are Baptists.

It is a region of high-tech and defense industries, with the University of Texas at Austin providing a lot of engineering graduates.

There is a large entertainment industry with a wide variety of tastes and cultures represented. To say that the regional culture is monolithic and caters solely to rednecked Bible-thumpers is to vastly understate the cultural diversity of the region.


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18 Apr 2019, 12:42 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Well, I was already feeling burned out even before this incident but I was being encouraged to go on that day and my mind is constantly wondering if maybe things will be different. Being scolded certainly didn't help.

I feel like I would be handle it better than my family does with their relationships. My mother doesn't get that her constantly being a control freak and telling her husbands they are fat (What should she expect from redneck men in the first place?) is why she keeps getting divorced. My father keeps leading his mistresses on and wonders why he keeps getting swamped in drama. Both of my siblings treated their girlfriends like sex toys and ended up getting them pregnant.


So you misjudged your ability to handle tiring situations? Well, that happens sometimes, even to NTs or so I hear. Try to pay more attention to how much you can handle and learn to keep your head when you decide that it's a good time to leave.

Have you noticed how you're always badmouthing your family and the area you live in? I don't know them nor do I know the area, but I still think you should consider stopping. What good will it do to you to keep repeating how much better you are than them? It'll only make you bitter in the end, I think.

By the way, have you made any process on the things mentioned earlier?


I have a gym membership now and my therapist actually thinks it's a good idea that I exercise more.



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18 Apr 2019, 12:45 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Mark lives in central Texas, not far from Austin. He is on the "outer fringes" of the Bible Belt. If one lived in Oklahoma, one would be more in the "Bible Belt" than one in central Texas.

There are probably "rednecks" and "hip-hoppers" or whatever where he lives. But it can't be said that everybody there fits that description.


Certainly not but when you don't have a good social network and struggle with socialization in general, it feels like you are locked out of even the non-redneck and hip-hop avenues. Even when I go to a music show for a band I like, I don't gain new social connections. My conversations with others tend to fizzle out and they usually already have company with them so they don't seem interested in making new social connections. I also didn't exactly grow up in a place that truly appreciated music. It was treated as just something you maybe listened to in your car or sang along to at church. The other people at the shows "live" the music while I am far behind. Sure, I collect albums of the bands I like and wear their T-shirts but I don't live near a local club, I didn't go to music shows on a regular basis in my developmental years, I am not in a band, and I don't have my own songs.



Last edited by Marknis on 18 Apr 2019, 2:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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18 Apr 2019, 2:06 pm

Marknis wrote:
Fireblossom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Well, I was already feeling burned out even before this incident but I was being encouraged to go on that day and my mind is constantly wondering if maybe things will be different. Being scolded certainly didn't help.

I feel like I would be handle it better than my family does with their relationships. My mother doesn't get that her constantly being a control freak and telling her husbands they are fat (What should she expect from redneck men in the first place?) is why she keeps getting divorced. My father keeps leading his mistresses on and wonders why he keeps getting swamped in drama. Both of my siblings treated their girlfriends like sex toys and ended up getting them pregnant.


So you misjudged your ability to handle tiring situations? Well, that happens sometimes, even to NTs or so I hear. Try to pay more attention to how much you can handle and learn to keep your head when you decide that it's a good time to leave.

Have you noticed how you're always badmouthing your family and the area you live in? I don't know them nor do I know the area, but I still think you should consider stopping. What good will it do to you to keep repeating how much better you are than them? It'll only make you bitter in the end, I think.

By the way, have you made any process on the things mentioned earlier?


I have a gym membership now and my therapist actually thinks it's a good idea that I exercise more.


That's an excellent start! Just make sure to use it. :)



Zack1994
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20 Apr 2019, 5:24 am

I am 10 pounds overweight so I may need a gym membership as well.



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20 Apr 2019, 5:32 am

Zack1994 wrote:
I am 10 pounds overweight so I may need a gym membership as well.

to lose 10 pounds you don't need to spend money on a gym membership. youtube is your friend here :idea:



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20 Apr 2019, 5:55 am

I get this vibe from my parents.
I have had three relationships that involved me being naive, lied to and some were abusive.
They seem to expect me to just be alone for the rest of my life.
"You don't need to be with anybody. Just have friends."
"You don't need a relationship."
I feel like they think I am incapable of having a good, healthy relationship. I feel very lonely, but it feels deep set. Dates and friends aren't going to help that. I want someone special.

"Just have friends."
Yeah, while all my NT friends are off on their dates, talking to be about their dates and whining to me when their date cancels, and within a few hours they have a replacement date. :roll:

My ex wants me back. I do not trust him.
In time, I want to be with my crush. I'm hoping I haven't screwed it up. I know it will take time.


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