Feeling depressed again

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Note: If you're bored of my depressed threads then don't read.

I feel crap at socialising. When I'm socialising with my family, I become rather hyper and I sometimes blurt out the wrong thing. I just forget myself sometimes, or forget who's in the room if there's a lot of us, then I'll blurt out something that could offend that person who I forgot was there. Like the other day when we had family round, a conversation was about nightclubs, and I expressed my opinion about it, saying that people who go clubbing are idiots, which I admit might have been a bit harsh. The others agreed, because they are all middle-aged, but my cousin (who is young) was in the room too and I forgot she was there, and she likes clubbing. She didn't say anything, but I quickly corrected myself by saying, "I mean they're idiots for paying like £10 to get into a nightclub when you can go into a bar for free". But I still wish I'd kept my mouth shut or just said something less harsh, like "I personally don't like clubbing".

Another thing I suck at when socialising is when joining in a group conversation at work. I desire social interaction with my colleagues when we have a break, but if they are already standing together chatting before I come along, I'm afraid to join them in case they think I'm being intrusive. I'm not very popular, because the guys seem to worship the other girl there just because she's loud and has her boobs almost hanging out for the world to see. So I just disappear into the background, and it's hard to join in a group when you're quiet and unattractive like me. Plus they tend to stand in the workshop or outside, not in the canteen, so I end up sitting alone in the canteen during my breaks, feeling lonely.
Also one time when I did go up to my colleagues while they were standing together (it wasn't on a break, but sometimes we have quiet half hours where we stand around until more work comes in), but as soon as I went over to my colleagues they got distracted because some work had come in, so they sort of finished the conversation and split. So I kind of stood awkwardly, then the supervisor thought I wanted to ask something, so I said, "um, no, I'm just... chilling."

I hate being too hyperactive at home and I hate being too unpopular at work. Socialization doesn't go right for me.

When I used to work I didnt really have friends. Had a job where I was bullied. It made me hate myself. Gave me mental problems too.

Im pretty hyper at home too. But you know what I dont have a boyfriend. So it makes it worse. Its just me and the walls everyday. And I have no idea how to go about getting a boyfriend either. There are no desireable men where I go.

So at least you have someone to talk to at home. And at least they arent so mean to you at work that you cant function anymore. Its not the end of the world to be alone at work. Just pretend its your thing. Pretend to be proud of being the strong silent type. They will respect you for that.

I think I do overlook my capabilities and social life. But it just seems that everyone else is still more socially active than me. Maybe I need to watch myself on a hidden video camera for a day, to see how social or liked I am from third person's point of view.

I wrote this thread yesterday....then lo and behold I got told off at work last night for talking too much...

I think what I'm really anxious about is both my past and my future, and it's just having an effect on how I view myself in the present. My teenage years consisted of painful social rejection, bullying and being targeted, and it still hurts to this day. My future scares me, and I feel I need to be prepared for it. The thought of becoming homeless for whatever reason in the future scares me so much that I'm having some sort of PTSD in advance (or, maybe that should be FTSD?) Yes I'm ok at the moment but the UK is becoming a financially frightening place and the homeless rates have increased. It gives me depression and severe panic and fear. I just worry that in the future, when all my close relatives and partner are old or gone, I might lose touch with my friends and cousins, be unable to support myself financially due to stress of a full-time job, not receive any support because I am too high-functioning, and end up living on the streets without any choice. It scares me so much and people seem to hint that it may happen to me.

Also think. You are you and a great many people love you just the way you are... They find you interesting because you don't conform to the ways of others. They find when you put your foot in it, that they smile, because life would be so, so boring if someone didn't put their foot in it. Think of the Queens husband who I love as he often puts his foot in it. I think it is so rediculous of the press to make such a big thing of it when he does. Without humour and someone saying something different, life would be soo boring. Cheer up. You make life so exciting! God bless!

P.S. I don't understand socializing either.

Yes I am scared of the same thing. What will the future be like. I think about it every day. Will I be able to survive without the extra help my parents give me. I dont know. Thats why Im on the wait list for a group home right now. Even though I dont want to go in one. I dont know what else to do.