I've been a bad friend, plus more.

Post Reply New Topic

So, I had a conversation with a friend of mine lately. Turns out, I've been a bad friend. Apparently, it's been annoying him that I don't focus enough when the conversation shifts to his interests.

I've been impolite by zoning out, cutting him off or simply acting uninterested. Admittedly, I think he has a point, although I have never really realised that I was doing this, however now that I think about it...well, it's kind of true.

I finally get what he means about me always having to be in control of the conversation. Even though I used to think that I was a good listener, perhaps I overestimated that. I just wish that I'd noticed my rude behaviour sooner. Oh wow, I've been so self-centred. He should've called me out on this a long time ago. Do all my friends feel this way? Am I bad at being a friend?

On top of that, he was also judgemental about me not visiting my Grandma enough, and the fact that I can't cook. I swear, the guy mothers me more than my actual parents do.

"You won't be with your parents forever, you know".

Sometimes I feel like yelling "You think I don't know that? Because I'm aware. It's just a scary thought, OK? Sure, I know that I'm an adult but I don't feel like I'm quite there yet. I'm trying my best. But I don't have everything together yet, I don't know what I'm doing! Just let me be a clueless twenty year old who's running about trying to learn on the go! Aren't you doing the same? Frankly, aren't we all to some degree?

I know that I can be stuck in the past. Also, that my cooking is mainly just simple meals because I haven't got round to trying something more difficult yet. There's a whole host of skills that I probably should have but I'm not there yet with them. Oh, you've been learning since you were a child? Well good for you! I sure haven't but I'm trying gosh darn it.

Sure, hopefully I'll visit my Grandma more on my own when I move out of my parents' house in the future. If she's still alive. However, the future is scary and I don't even have a job yet, never mind moving out.

Let me just take things one step at a time. I know you think it's odd that I get homesick now and then when I'm in student accommodation because you don't, but not everyone is you! Frankly, I don't care if you think it's childish because it's how I feel and I'm allowed to feel this way".

Every once in a while I experience the opposite (missing accommodation in a way similar to homesickness, except for my home away from home, if that makes sense).

I find it quite selfish of your friend, to accuse you of being rude but not to see himself being boring.

Maybe he’s playing games with you.

He might be twisting things around to make himself look good.

How’s University, by the way?

He also told me that he has acted interested out of politeness when I've talked, so I should do the same. Which saddens me a little, because I hadn't realised he was getting bored. Except for a few times where I noticed. I guess we're both bored of each other's company. Understandable.



Possibly. I don't really know what to think anymore. Hopefully I'll make a few more friends next term.



Academically: I got a 2:1 for my first year, which is about a B grade. Things could've gone better, but it's still a decent start I suppose.

Living in student accommodation: Aside from the occasional clash with flatmates, it went fine. I liked the independence, but I did feel homesick at times. Especially when someone would throw a party in the kitchen, and suggest that we stay out of the way whilst they had friends over. That made me feel a bit lonely. Each time it made me wonder if I was doing something wrong.

Socially: Whilst I met some new people, I still feel like an outsider for the most part despite joining clubs and societies. I've known my classmates for a year now, yet I still don't really know anyone. Felt lonely at times during my first year, even when I was surrounded by people, because I didn't connect. I'd like to experience truly being a part of a group again. Been a while since I've felt like I belonged. Trying to make friends whilst it seems as if everyone already has their pre-existing groups, it's just...I wish it were easier. At the moment time appears to be slipping away so quickly, I worry that I'm just going to have an incredibly boring experience of University no matter what I do. I hear so many wild stories, and I feel like I'm on the outside of it all.

Love life: Non-existent.

I understand you want to be "part of a group"----and that's understandable.

Fortunately, though, you're in University to study, and to get your degree.

How did your flatmates tell you to "stay out of the way" when they're having a party?

Congratulations on your "2:1" grade. Does that mean "Upper Second-Class" honors? What sort of "Grade Point Average" do you have to earn in order to be able to get into a decent Master's program?

My University works on a tier system.

First-class (1st) (70-100%) High pass.

Second class, division one (2:1) (60-69%) Not quite top, similar to a B.

Second class, division two (2:2) (50-59%) Average.

Third class (3rd) (40-49%) Low passing grade.

Each year you get an overall grade depending on how you scored on your modules. You can only proceed to the second year if you at the very least get a passing grade, but there are specifically given opportunities to redo your work up to a pass level if you originally get a failing mark. However, in later years there is gradually less leniency allowing for this, except for in emergency situations etc.

Personally, I did a foundation year before starting my degree and moving onto the first year. Each course requires a certain amount of UCAS points in order to qualify, and I did not meet that mark, so I worked my way up. My foundation score has no impact on my degree, it was just a means of getting onto the course. Foundation years are sometimes called year zero.

The second and third years hold more weight in determining the graduating mark than the first year, but it’s still good to do well in your first year. If I get the same score as I did in my first year (a 2:1) or higher in my second and third years, then I will move on to a fourth year. However, if I don’t then I won’t get full honours.

By the end of the fourth year, if all goes to plan, I will have a full honours Bachelor Of Arts degree. This would make me an undergraduate. Most undergraduate courses are three to four years, depending on what kind of course it is.

Now, if I were to carry on with my studies I would be considered a postgraduate, moving up from a Bachelor to a Master Of The Arts. This would give me a Master’s degree. However, my only concern with this would be potentially becoming overqualified and struggling to find employment as a result.

The closest thing to a GPA I can think of is our UCAS points system. In England, we have GCSEs, a set of exams usually taken at the age of fifteen or sixteen. The grades you earned for each exam give you points. Your A-level (or equivalent) results also add points, and your point score from your GCSEs is added to your A-level score. This total is a student’s UCAS points.

Different Universities and particular courses will require a certain minimum of UCAS points to qualify. Although, this can be flexible in some cases. For instance, if they wanted two hundred and ten, but someone applied with two hundred and five, then they might still get a place. However, if they had sixteen and the minimum was two hundred and ten, then they definitely won’t get in. UCAS points only matter when you’re trying to get in University, once you’re in they don’t really matter. If you don’t earn enough, some places offer foundation or a year zero, which is another route into higher education. Admittedly, I don’t even remember what my UCAS score was anymore.

(If anyone thinks I’m wrong, feel free to correct me. Still trying to wrap my head around the education system here despite being in it for so long).



It was never explicitly said, but there were implications. (Getting annoyed stares when walking in, being asked what I want, generally hostile behaviour). So I felt as though I were intruding, despite the kitchen being a communal area.

Could you get lodgings where you would have less people? And maybe a private area for yourself?

Usually, first year students in the US tend to get the worst accommodations with the least privacy.

A 2:1 doesn't sound like it's too bad at all.

Incidentally, one of the most useful social skills I've learned was how to zone out while giving verbal and body language signals that I'm interested and sympathetic. A lot of NTs can do this instinctively, but I had to learn.

I only do it with people I care about and want to spare their feelings - keep in mind that at an instinctual level for many NTs "you're not interested in what I'm saying" translates as "you're not interested in me".

I know this might seem like cynical advice, but thought it might be useful anyway.

I heard a definition of "friend" as someone, in whose company you feel "free" to be yourself.
This wouldn't be the case.

It is useful to zone out while still looking interested but in long run it does not help with close friendships. I may come from the opposite side of unhealthy amount of masking as my starting point, thought.

I've learned to say "sorry, I'm overwhelmed, I can't really listen", "you know I don't get as excited as you when talking bikes" or "now I'm nothing more than your rubber duck". That might be because most of my friends discuss a lot different kinds of technology and following them can be really exhausting. Following emotional talk of some other people can be exhausting as well... I can do some but then there comes a moment I just need to leave the conversation, saying something like "sorry, I'm tired, I need to rest alone".

Sorry for a bit incoherent post. I guess it's all about balance between social performance and adressing your true needs.

It's not bad, per say, but I'd still like to improve on it. At least I'm on track and passing my classes so far.



I had a room to myself, with an en-suite area. The kitchen and living space was shared with four other people. We had a bin rota and worked to our own schedules. I didn't feel as though I had a lack of privacy. As long as you didn't leave your laundry for too long in a washing machine (otherwise someone might throw it on the floor) there weren't too many issues. Thankfully, that didn't happen to me, but I did see clothes that had been strewn on the floor by impatient students. I usually tried to pick less popular times to do my laundry, and wouldn't leave it in too long just in case. The launderette is for the whole building. I'll being staying in the same place in September, albeit with different flatmates (except one).

I see. Then it wasn't too bad, then.

That's good.

Were you allowed to entertain friends in your room?

Well, when the friendship started I did feel that way. However, like many of my friendships, our interactions became strained. I usually find that a friendship tends to either end peacefully with each person gradually drifting apart, or I'm stuck in one that I should probably let go. Either completely, or to the point when I only see them irregularly.



As much as I complain about my friend, I do have to credit him for being so understanding in times where I've been overwhelmed and lost my cool. In my first year, I went on a trip with my class. Unfortunately, I became overwhelmed. Too much sensory information. I ended up swaying a little, acting off, and I went into the ladies' toilets to recover. Since I'd spent a rather long time in there, and my class were about to move to a new location, a tutor went to check on me. They saw that it looked like I'd been crying, which I had (out of exhaustion, I get that way when the feeling of being overwhelmed leads me into a stress like state, it's tiring and can result in breaking down in tears). She concluded that I had been crying because I'd previously lost a long game I was playing before, and that's why I felt exhausted. Whilst that wasn't the case, I decided to go along with that explanation. So now people think I'm just a really sore loser. I'm sure that incident has long since been forgotten though.

Later on that day, I returned to my flat. I was still feeling uneasy from getting overwhelmed on my trip. Even though it was over, I still experienced a build up of emotions that were stubbornly refusing to subside. I was beginning to feel how I do when I usually have to leave a situation to recover, but I tried to remain composed and slowly ease myself out of it. That's where I went wrong. I should've known better, but I thought that I could handle it.

So I started cooking in the kitchen area, whilst a few people were talking to their guest who was staying over. My friend was also there. I mentioned how I was feeling to him before the others were in the room. He knew about how I have a tendency to get overwhelmed, since he'd been in situations where I'd acted that way before. Which is why he was concerned, since I'm fairly predictable to people who know what I can be like. I tried to stay calm, cook my meal and leave. However, that's not what happened. When the others started to interact with me, I began acting odd again. Giving vague answers, tense body language, swaying and eventually I yelled something about pasta sauce then ran out of the room leaving my cooked meal on the counter. Not my best moment.

Of course, nearly everyone was understandably confused at my sudden outburst. I also found my own behaviour a bit strange, and collapsed on my bed for a bit. Shortly after, my friend knocked on the door and brought me my food. He put one of my favourite songs on, then told what had happened after I left. My friend had explained to the others how I get overwhelmed sometimes, and about the trip. How it can lead to odd behaviour, and impulsively saying things I don't truly mean.

Apparently one of my flatmates had suggested that they use a code word to let the others know when this was happening. He told them that wasn't necessary. We had a conversation about it, and when he was sure that I was alright he left me to recover in peace. Admittedly, I worry sometimes that I'll sabotage my connections with others due to these outbursts and they'll be a time where there's no one around to fix the mess I've created. Whilst the friendship isn't completely dependent, he can be overly motherly. I hope to discuss these outbursts with the therapist at University, I want to figure out how to better handle these moments without relying on friends so much.

Oh, and I've heard of the rubber duck method. Never used it myself though.

Last edited by Lost_dragon on 23 Aug 2019, 6:23 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Has anything 'romantic' ever occured between you and your friend?

No. I'm gay and he's aware of this. Sometimes he asks for advice with other girls, even though I'm usually no help. I try my best to give guidance, but I do remind him that I have no idea either. People do mistake us for a couple though.

Have you ever thought maybe he likes you, and this outburst of hostility is rooted within that?

Yes. I invited friends over a few times to play sims on occasion.



Hmm. Well, if that's the case, then it seems strange that he tells me about his crushes and asks for advice on them. I know they're not me, since I know of the two girls he is torn between. However, I suppose it's possible that I'm a third crush and since he knows I'm not interested, there could be hostility from that. Or he could just feel annoyed because of my impolite behaviour and there are no unrequited emotions.

I know that one side of his family try to pressure him into getting into a relationship with me, which makes him feel awkward because his dad is homophobic (he thinks poorly of gays and lesbians in general) and if he knew about me being gay...well, the guy would try to stop us being friends. So he can't just say "Oh, no, she's gay" and if he says that I'm not interested then the advice he gets is "try again". It's gotten to the point where I don't even like to be seen with him when his step-mum and dad are about, because I know they'll start making things annoying.

He occasionally lies and says he's hanging out with a guy sometimes when we're hanging out just so they don't comment about it. I feel bad for him, being judged so much for being single. That's why I'm hoping things work out with one of the two crushes he has. If he can get into a decent relationship, his parents won't bother him so much, nor will they keep forcing us together. People would stop thinking we were a couple (hopefully).

Now, I could understand possible resentment over the fact that I'm standing in the way of living a life that would please his parents...but that theory doesn't quite add up. He doesn't like his dad or step-mum. To the point where he rebels against them. I suppose a part of him might want to make them happy, but still.