Hopeless...

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I have been incredibly suicidal lately. I am not actually capable of committing actual physical suicide. If I were I would have been dead a long time ago. But I am capable of feeling all of the emotions of going through an actual suicide and that is just as hard.

I have been dealing with a consistent and massive amount of emotional and psychological abuse and actual emotional and psychological torture from nts around me including those who are closest to me. They are not doing intentionally and they seem to be incapable of realizing that they are doing it and to make matters worse, they are blaming me for my reaonses to their torturing me and saying that I am responsible for it. All I can do is endure it because I cannot die of my own means and the torture never stops because they don't believe they are doing anything wrong. And I am now having about ten to thirty massive meltdowns per day from car stereos and other people's music. I am even afraid to go to my favorite parks now because they are so crowded with people and stereos blasting.

I am so affected now that I regularly have chest pains and stop breathing and physically collapse. I don't know how much longer I can survive like this. Even all of my therapists and social workers feel helpless because nothing can be done about any of it.

{{{{{ skibum }}}}}

I'm glad you reached out to share your feelings because that's the first step to feeling a little better. I know how severe your sensory issues are and I empathise with what you're feeling. I wish I knew how to help.

Have you told your actual GP, rather than your therapists?

Can you build yourself a little fort?

I built a blanket fort in my closet to escape when I need an extra sense of security and solitude.

Thinking of you.

I'm so sorry to hear this. But like Isabella said, you did the right thing by reaching out, we are here for you.
Is trying to communicate with them no good? Do they not understand how severe their behavior is affecting you?

Thank you Isabella
My GP has no concept of Autism and it wouldn't matter anyway. There is no safety from the sensory assault. Nothing we have found works. I was recently denied a grant to replace the windows in my home with sound reducing ones because the grant people didn't think it was a worthy investment.

My meltdowns are becoming more severe and the aftermath is worse as well. And the emotional and psychological torture by the nts around me has made me unable to function or do much at all.

I keep getting told that it is my responsibility to understand that they should be allowed to do what they do and I just have to be OK with it.

April, Thank you. Trying to communicate with them only makes things much worse and more abusive because they have no theory of mind

{{{{{{{{{skibum}}}}}}}}} Really sorry to hear what you're going through. When I'm under duress, I put my headphones on, listen to my favourite music or comedy clips, and detach as best I can. The more stress I'm under, I find that if I tighten the routine(or just get myself immersed in sewing, painting or whatever(while under headphones), that takes me away and gets my head in a better place, to enable me to cope with the world. I don't know your situation, ski, but I wish there was something I could do to make life less tough for you. We're with you. xx

Thank you Juliette
I actually have my Pandora station on right now. It's the only thing I have been able to do is to listen to it.

My situation is a little complicated. I would love to explain it.

By all means, ski, feel free to share it with us here in the Haven or via pm. xx

I think that for some women, the early fifties can be the darkest, most stressful, spiritually painful phase of life. I have noticed this to be more true of women who are deep thinkers, very concerned about humanity, and see the big picture of life.

One women I have known for decades and who passed through this dark valley in her early fifties sees it as the same religious experience as what the religious mystics called "the Dark Night of the Soul" in centuries past - I think from recall that St Teresa of Avila may have written on this too, though my recall may be mistaken.

Anyway, I think people with deeply sensitive spiritual souls - not necessarily conventionally religious people and more often the sufferers are not it seems to me - are prone to these midlife tests, which are so deeply painful in almost unbearable ways but ultimately transformative.

You are greatly cared for and appreciated here, thank you for trusting us to share your current challenges with us. Keep going Skibum, the only way out is to go through, keep updating us every day until you feel safe again.

Thank you B
You know the deep love and respect I have for you and you know that I could never leave you. As always, your words are wise and I believe they are so true.

If there wasn't a lockdown I could suggest a few hideaway places.

Sending you hope and hugs.

Thank you Juliette.

B19 is right. She knows me well and she is one of my closest and dearest friends on this planet.

There are multiple challenges at play here. Of course there is my EXTREME sensitivity to sounds especially to low frequency sounds like bass on stereos or fast music like rap. It causes me to have very extreme reactions even to the point of me physically collapsing and going into different degrees of sensory overload shock. So I am constantly neurologically assaulted and it is impossible for me to rest or recovery. So that compounds the emotional and psychological trauma that I endure every single day.

Many of you know that I am a level three Autistic but on the outward I look and appear like a level one. So I cannot handle the social and executive functioning and emotional expectations that are constantly being put on me.

One of my main issues, which is ironically, one of the most endearing and beautiful things about me is that I cap emotionally at four to six years old and I cap socially at the social maturity level of a 10-12 year old boy. Even though I am female, I have some very masculine traits.

The first big problem is that when I am communicating with nts, even those who are the closest to me and love me the most, they seem incapable of understanding these age discrepancies. Sometimes they understand them but the times that they don't actually puts me in danger.

What happens, and this has been happening way too much in too short a time span lately, is that if they are expecting emotional and social responses that match my intellectual analytical and chronilogical ages which is impossible for me to do, they are literally verbally attacking me and punishing me for having what they believe are inappropriate responses for the boxes they want me to fit into. And the verbal attacks are so incredibly brutal that they have caused me to doubt my very existence. And because it is impossible for me to deflect any of it because I do not have a protective persona, I am constantly feeling the full force of these attacks and trying to handle them as an emotional four year old and a social ten year old. And because a lot of this came from people I love and trust the most and some of those people I love and trust as a four year old, the effects are crippling. And because this happens to me so often, the cumulative PTSD of this happening for decades is at such a critical point that I am having severe physical manifestations.

But these nts have no theory of mind and they cannot acknowledge that they are doing anything wrong so when you try to tell them they become defensive and say that I am the problem.

And I cannot sever these ties with them because they are the only people with whom my four year old persona has any ability to have a human connection with because no one else accepts her. So if the ties are severed, she becomes completely feral and I cannot survive that. So I have to endure the abuse because they will never stop because they cannot understand that they are doing anything hurtful to me.

So evsrytime they abuse me and I respond out of emotional pain, they punish me for my response because they think I am creating drama towards them. And they punish me incredibly severely because they are aiming their punishment at a 53 year old, not a four or ten year old. So that level of abuse and punishment literally destroys me and my four year old and ten year old self cannot survive under it.

And this happens at various levels with pretty much 99% of the nts I encounter in almost all of our interactions. And because I am so "high functioning" I am still expected to and required to meet every adult responsibiity for living an independent adult life. And I am very often expected to take responsibility for the mistakes and errors of nts because if I don't my benefits and other things I need to survive will be taken from me. So I am constantly having to take responsibility for cleaning up nt messes. But they don't like that because it exposes their incompetence and unfairness so they criticize me and verbally attack me as I am trying to fuggt for what I need to survive.

So this becomes sheer continuous torture for my youngest selves and I just have a very difficult time surviving it every single day. And my social worker and therapists are trying so hard to find resources to help but because I am high functioning there are no resources that exist to meet my unique needs. So it literally becomes a battle to just stay alive. No one can handle that much psychological and emotional torture every day especially without the help of a protective persona to shield and deflect and let go of psychological or emotional attacks. Each incident will stay with me in raw form for the rest of my life and the PTSD gets stronger and stronger and more dangerous every day. And even my trauma therapist who is outstanding, feels helpless to help me because it's a daily assault from nt society.

And even my regular psychologist who is also excellent has told me that I just need to understand that this is just how it is because I can't realistically expect them to understand me. So because they can't understand me or what they are doing, they will never have a consequence. And they really are ignorant and I understand that very much because I have enormous theory of mind. So I always forgive and have compassion on them because I know that they are not hurting me intentionally at all. They truly are that detached from reality that it is impossible for anyone to make them understand. And I know tge deep love they have for me in the ways that they do love me. So I have deep forgiveness and love and compassion. But the effects of the torture are very real and I am suffering deeply from them.

Thank you MG.
We are not in lockdown here. Unfortunately many people are still not at work so all my favorite parks and places of sacred refuge are saturated by nts with their blasting stereos and pooping dogs. It makes it impossible for me to go to them. I have really been trying to get the therapy that nature hikes and bike rides gives me but it's impossible now that the areas are so crowded

Here they have closed off beaches and parks so people seem to be coming up here and other places to walk which I understand their need to de-stress, but because the larger areas are closed, it actually puts more people into the countryside areas that are left.

If only I could give you answers. I have prayed.

Is anyone still there?

Have you been able to get some rest/sleep over the past 24 hours Skibum? Have you eaten?