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skibum
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06 May 2020, 12:48 am

No to both


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B19
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06 May 2020, 1:31 am

Please care for your physical self as much as you can manage just now, in small steps however small. All of us posting here deeply care about the pain you are in.

I googled "Autistic people and dark night of the soul" which led me to some very thoughtful pieces on the issue. Maybe look at it if/when you have the energy for that?

Meantime, love to the little child parts of you and all your parts, can you lay down quietly and allow the different parts to comfort and communicate with each other, in a safe and warm place?

Know that people here care for your deeply.



Mountain Goat
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06 May 2020, 4:47 am

I hope and pray for peace from the meltdowns and the sensitivities causing them, in Jesus name, Amen.



skibum
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06 May 2020, 9:15 am

Thank you so much to both of you
:heart:


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06 May 2020, 4:23 pm

May today unfold around you with the renewed tendrils of hope and the comfort of the love others are sending to you :heart:



skibum
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06 May 2020, 6:14 pm

Thank you so much
:heart:

I have had about eight to ten meltdowns from stereos from cars outside my house in the past three hours.

Today I was only able to get out of bed to pee. I have not eaten anything in two days. Everytime I try to do anything I get knocked back down by another stereo.

One of my biggest problems is that I never actually look like I am in danger to anyone else because my oldest persona which is the analytical one is capable to digging deep and doing things like paying bills and stuff like that even if the rest of me is literally dying. And it's the strength of that persona that prevents me from phtsically dying. The problem is that when you have that ability to separate yourself so completely that certain tasks get done no matter how critical you actually are, no one ever really understands how critical you actually are because you can't physically show it in a way that they can see it. So they just keep piling the expectations on you and get angry when you can't meet them.

A couple hours ago I was trying to talk to someone on the phone trying to get some help but he couldn't understand me because I am so overwhelmed that my speech is completely slurred. I was talking to someone who knows that I can often speak clearly. He yelled at me for having slurred speech and I had to hang up the phone.

I have had that happen very often in the past. One particularly painful incident happened at Special Olympics. I needed help but my speech had deteriorated because I was so overwhelmed. My coach told me that he knew that I knew how to speak properly and the said that he would refuse to help me until I spoke to him properly. Needless to say, I never got the help and left in tears instead.

I also tried to call crisis for help last night. But often times when I am so critical, I am calling as a four year old or a ten year old. But the crisis people can't comprehend that so if I don't answer their questions exactly as they want me to, which is not possible for me, they get angry and hang up the phone.


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06 May 2020, 6:27 pm

I really worry about the unsuitability and difficulties that phone "help" lines relying on verbal communication pose for AS people in distress, especially extreme distress. They seem to me just another barrier for many of us - though they appear to work ok for some. Choice is important at points of crisis when seeking help that really helps, and the lack of AS help lines run by AS people creates additionals barriers.

Can others recommend some good support services for AS people in distress in the USA which are actually understanding of AS issues, and the usual barriers to good service - especially services accessible by email or text?



skibum
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06 May 2020, 7:08 pm

I agree. There is a text crisis line in the US that I have used before. But it has one of the same major issues as every other crisis line. I have also had this conversation with other Autistic friends who have tried crisis lines and they all have the same experience.

One of the problems is that crisis line workers have scripts that they have to follow and questions they have to ask. Those scripts and questions are based on nts and what causes an nt to be in crisis. It's the same thing with pshyche wards and therapy treatments. They are built around the causes and needs of nt crises.

Many Autistics do not go into crisis for the same reasons that nts do. And the needs we have to get through a crisis can be very different from what an nt needs to get through a crisis. And for many of us, in order to get help with a crisis it is our very youngest personas that have to be spoken to in a way that matches their ages and needs and ways of processing and understanding.

When I contact crisis, it is usually my four year old who is calling them. Other Autistics I have spoken to say the same thing. But no crisis person or psyche ward person I have ever spoken to, and I have spoken to a lot of them, including the text line, is willing or capable from deviating from their scripted questions and expected answers which are all nt based. So they very brutally reject anything else and end up very harshly rejecting and literally hanging up on a virtual four year old who was so desperate that she was begging for help. That actually ends up making me feel even more suicidal and now leaves me with an added layer of crisis to deal with and overcome. And I have heard that same scenario from other Autistics


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06 May 2020, 8:29 pm

Yes, what you say there is as true as it is a tragedy. In any kind of medical or emotional crises we tend to be punished for not presenting "as if" we were NT people. If that's not oppression, then I don't know what is. And AS people should not ever internalise self-blame for the failure of service provision appropriate to our needs.



skibum
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06 May 2020, 9:16 pm

It is incredibly oppressive and abusive and torturous. It is unbelievably discriminatory. I am amazed at how many Autistics manage to survive societal abuses. And those of us who are also discriminated in other ways aa well, for example I am a black woman who was born in the US in the sixties, but so many of us have other disabilities and conditions and factors like race and gender and sexual orientations that compound the discrimination on top of the Autistic issues. It's amazing that any of us survive.


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Wreck It Ralph


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06 May 2020, 9:20 pm

You have done great work to educate the medical community skibum (and B19).

It's so upsetting that you are still facing all these hurdles in your own supportive care.

Sending more hugs.



skibum
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06 May 2020, 9:34 pm

Thank you so much Isabella. And your life experiences have been so helpful in educating them as well as I often use your experiences to share with them since they are so similar to mine.

It's such a shame that we don't have any choice but to endure this kind of thing because we can educate and teach but we cannot force a majority to change its ways. And no matter how much work we do, we will always be tortured and oppressed until they stop torturung and opressing us. We cannot escape them. They are always in our presence.

I often tell people that you can give a batteted wife or a molested child all the therapy and medications in the world and teach them to hide the effects of the abuses but bottom line is that the battering and molesting will never stop and that wife and child will continue to be tortured no matter how much work they do on themselves. The only way to make the torture and abuse stop is for the abuser to stop abusing.

We are being told to keep living with our abusers since we cannot escape society and just understand that they have to keep abusing us because it's not possible for them to understand our perspective. And in the same breath, they accuse us of not having theory of mind. Then they put the responsibility on us to take meds and do therapy so that we can better endure their abusing and torturung us. But not once will they ever admit that they need to stop. They say it's our faulr that we are suffering because we are different. But the reality us that we are only suffering because they are toturing us for being different. Being different is wonderful. Being tortured for being different and then being blamed and abused for responding to that torture is not.


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Wreck It Ralph


jenisautistic
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08 May 2020, 11:51 pm

Hello my friend

I am very sorry you’ve been going through this situation

I can totally empathize with you

Unfortunately right now I’m my brain is been selectively mute but if I can elaborate I will

I started going on wrong planet back and I believe was 2013
I had talked about many things mostly about what people say

For years I’ve been told was exaggerating or exasperating my symptoms I went to several mental hospitals


Originally in the beginning Due a complete overreaction and complete misunderstanding I was sent to a place that would haunt me for the rest of my life

My doctor tried to get me out of going to the hospital twice by writing then I wasn’t a danger to anyone which I wasn’t at the time I was hospitalized Later on.

Even though I had some very limited skills then made it even more limiting
Sometimes I feel like even if I were not as limited as I am Nobody would care about disabilities in society and Would still want to eradicate them


Right before this all happened I believe it was right Before anyway I had just posted that post about my friend Jessica

Oh my life I’ve been told I am not sick like these sickly kids in my programs or that if I do have a disability” its very high functioning“ Despite me having significant delays as early intervention severely physically Delayed At risk for speech and I believe in moderate intellectual impairment or whatever they called it back then






I feel like a failure and hopeless sometimes Because I’ve been told so many times that I’m fake that I start to believe it myself

At this time my brain is unfortunately mute

But in General I think you are an amazing awesome person Stay strong and brave.


I feel so grateful that you are my friend


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Your Aspie score: 192 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 9 of 200 You are very likely an Aspie PDD assessment score= 172 (severe PDD)
Autism= Awesome, unique ,Special, talented, Intelligent, Smart and Mysterious