Having A Hard Time Handling Loneliness

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HeroOfHyrule
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12 Jun 2020, 6:08 pm

Lately I've been feeling more and more alone which is starting to get to me. My own parents and siblings essentially act like I'm a freak and constantly complain about me, and the only sibling who doesn't and understands me I have almost no relationship with. He doesn't return my attempts at trying to have a relationship, so recently I've essentially just given up.

I haven't had many friends throughout my life and the last real life friend I had ghosted me a couple years ago after eight years of friendship. I mentioned I got an ADHD and autism assessment and I suppose that was the last straw of me once again being a freak, since he used to badmouth me being trans to other people, including to another friend we had who also ghosted me.

I don't feel like anyone besides my two online friends care about me, but I don't know them in real life and we're states away from each other. I don't even know how to make any new friends besides for them and don't really understand how I became friends with them. Everyone I try to talk to isn't interested in having a friendship with me or even being an acquaintance.

I've tried to get used to feeling lonely, but after giving up on trying to have a relationship with my brother I've become increasingly more upset about it. I don't really understand what's wrong with me and why seemingly no one likes me, as I try very hard to be complacent and not cause problems for people. I'm afraid I'm going to be alone for most of my life and it doesn't feel like there's anything I can do about it. The only company I really have is from our pets, but they can't talk to me and my dog is most likely going to pass soon, plus my cats are my parents and ignore me unless they want food or something. I'm just tired of being alone.


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killerBunny
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12 Jun 2020, 6:23 pm

It is something that is hard to understand.
I have realised a long time ago that I will only be liked for the things I do.

People think that it is just a matter of others liking you. It is much more complex. It is really like you are speaking another language

I met people that assume I just have loads of friends. I have tried so long and hard to crack the code. It has led to years of using substances to feel connected and even then , well at 40, I have just accepted it.

It is. Tough pill to swallow. But life is a gift. I think thx only advice I can give is to do group activities. Focus on yourself. You can't control others. You are more than worthy. It isn't about your worth. I'm sure many times , you didn't want to be friends despite being lonely . People do not get it. I have neve been able the explain it to someone.



HeroOfHyrule
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12 Jun 2020, 7:47 pm

Quote:
It is. Tough pill to swallow. But life is a gift. I think thx only advice I can give is to do group activities. Focus on yourself. You can't control others. You are more than worthy. It isn't about your worth. I'm sure many times , you didn't want to be friends despite being lonely . People do not get it. I have neve been able the explain it to someone.

Thank you. This was genuinely helpful and I appreciate it.


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jimmy m
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12 Jun 2020, 11:03 pm

I will give you a strange word of advise. Most NTs learn to read people by observing the persons eyes and the area around the eyes. By about the age of two they begin to read people. By the time they reach adolescence, they can make an assessment within a couple seconds. Most Aspies do not look into peoples eyes and have not learned how to communicate in this manner. [We give off false signals.]

So my advise is to buy and wear a pair of special glasses. These are blue mirrored glasses. They are like one-way mirrors in that you can see out but others cannot see your eyes. Therefore you block them from using this technique.

Blue is a good color because:
Blue is peaceful, tranquil and symbolizes loyalty. Blue is reliable and responsible. It exhibits inner security and confidence.

Since I started wearing this type of glasses, I found it interesting the stranger tend to be friendlier towards me. Sometimes stranger will even approach me and ask me for help or ask my opinion.


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HeroOfHyrule
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13 Jun 2020, 1:35 pm

jimmy m wrote:
I will give you a strange word of advise. Most NTs learn to read people by observing the persons eyes and the area around the eyes. By about the age of two they begin to read people. By the time they reach adolescence, they can make an assessment within a couple seconds. Most Aspies do not look into peoples eyes and have not learned how to communicate in this manner. [We give off false signals.]

So my advise is to buy and wear a pair of special glasses. These are blue mirrored glasses. They are like one-way mirrors in that you can see out but others cannot see your eyes. Therefore you block them from using this technique.

Blue is a good color because:
Blue is peaceful, tranquil and symbolizes loyalty. Blue is reliable and responsible. It exhibits inner security and confidence.

Since I started wearing this type of glasses, I found it interesting the stranger tend to be friendlier towards me. Sometimes stranger will even approach me and ask me for help or ask my opinion.

This is an interesting idea, I'll try it out. I've never been good at eye contact or anything relating to the eyes, so this is really useful. Thank you!


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RadioDog
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19 Jun 2020, 2:47 pm

I can also relate to this. I'm the person at work that everyone loves having around because I can make things happen, but I'm never included in the social stuff. Like I hear things like "I just love working with you! Ok, the rest of us are going to go have lunch. See you later!"

I don't understand exactly why that happens, except that even though I'm not a bad person, and I'm smart, and I even have a good sense of humor, there's always something "different" about me. And people pretty much only like being around people like themselves. I have extra difficulties because NT females tend to have an unspoken communication thing they do with each other as well - which I didn't even realize existed until a few years ago, and which I can't even begin to fake even though I've gotten better at realizing it's happening. So it's no wonder I don't manage to "fit" and get the invite.

I've also realized that part of the problem is me, too, though. I can be very one-way about things, and if others don't match then I'm also not bothering with them.

I did read something the other day, written by an NT female to other NT females. She said that "fitting in" means you match the general consensus, looks, whatever of the group, and if you stop matching you no longer fit in. But "belonging" means you are ok to not match but you are still perceived to be part of the group.

I realized that it's very unlikely I will ever "fit in" to mainstream or general social groups, because I'm too different to match well. But I might be able to "fit in" to an interest group at some point? Not sure, as it hasn't happened yet :D

As for "belonging", that seems more like "family", and that's the only place I have any belonging. At least in parts of my family, because most of my family I don't belong to.

In any event, I'm trying to readjust my expectations. Having social contacts of some kind is a basic hard-wired need to human animals (even when we think we don't have it, we still live in cities full of people, and not isolated out in the farthest jungle). But, how to find interest groups?


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19 Jun 2020, 3:11 pm

killerBunny wrote:
It is something that is hard to understand.
Yes. Very. But you're not alone.
killerBunny wrote:
I think thx only advice I can give is to do group activities. Focus on yourself. You can't control others. You are more than worthy.
Yes, I love group activities. A cycling group I know is great - the focus is the cycle, and a bit of a chat along the way with others is good.


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HeroOfHyrule
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19 Jun 2020, 8:05 pm

RadioDog wrote:
I can also relate to this. I'm the person at work that everyone loves having around because I can make things happen, but I'm never included in the social stuff. Like I hear things like "I just love working with you! Ok, the rest of us are going to go have lunch. See you later!"

That kinda happens with me too. People "like" me because I can figure out how to do things and have the drive to help other people, but they don't seem to actually enjoy being around me. I just make things easier for people, which I don't necessarily mind, I guess. I do enjoy helping others.
Quote:
I don't understand exactly why that happens, except that even though I'm not a bad person, and I'm smart, and I even have a good sense of humor, there's always something "different" about me. And people pretty much only like being around people like themselves. I have extra difficulties because NT females tend to have an unspoken communication thing they do with each other as well - which I didn't even realize existed until a few years ago, and which I can't even begin to fake even though I've gotten better at realizing it's happening. So it's no wonder I don't manage to "fit" and get the invite.

I've also realized that part of the problem is me, too, though. I can be very one-way about things, and if others don't match then I'm also not bothering with them.

This is one of the things that I guess confuses me about the fact it's so hard to find people who enjoy being around me. I've learned to recognize things that put people off when I was a child and younger adolescent, but I've also actively tried to remedy those things. I'm a lot more respectful to people and am understanding of them more, but that doesn't seem to matter. While people are nicer to me and I have better interactions, at this point it seems like I am just too different for at least NT people to actually enjoy my company.
Quote:
I did read something the other day, written by an NT female to other NT females. She said that "fitting in" means you match the general consensus, looks, whatever of the group, and if you stop matching you no longer fit in. But "belonging" means you are ok to not match but you are still perceived to be part of the group.

I realized that it's very unlikely I will ever "fit in" to mainstream or general social groups, because I'm too different to match well. But I might be able to "fit in" to an interest group at some point? Not sure, as it hasn't happened yet :D

As for "belonging", that seems more like "family", and that's the only place I have any belonging. At least in parts of my family, because most of my family I don't belong to.

In any event, I'm trying to readjust my expectations. Having social contacts of some kind is a basic hard-wired need to human animals (even when we think we don't have it, we still live in cities full of people, and not isolated out in the farthest jungle). But, how to find interest groups?

I don't really mind "fitting in" or not as I've figured out similar things, I am fine with being different from people. But, not "belonging" with anyone is definitely something that gets to me the most. I don't have a sense of "belonging" with anyone in family besides my brother, who is also autistic, but once again he doesn't really seem to desire to actually have a relationship with me (or anyone in our family, for personal reasons I wont mention).

I also guess that trying to find a sense of "belonging" is kind of why I made an account on here and some other forums that relate to my interests. It was mainly to improve my communication skills, but I also figured I could probably find people who I'm not as different from, and maybe some who even live near me. It's been kind of discouraging because sometimes I still feel like I'm too different from people, but I'm basically at this point just trying to remind myself that it's going to take time to find people I actually click with and that the earth is full of people that I can meet.


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jimmy m
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20 Jun 2020, 2:03 pm

I general, I have found that over my long life the best people I found that became my friends had Aspie characteristics. They accept me for who I am. We just seem to click.

Also I found that I do not need a vast herd of friends. One or two good ones will suffice.

One of the qualities of having a friend is adventure and exploration. When there are two people together, they become braver, more willing to try new things, new adventures. It is a way for Aspies to break out of their shell. I found that living adventures is almost the meaning of life. Adventures are full of wonder.


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HeroOfHyrule
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20 Jun 2020, 7:57 pm

jimmy m wrote:
I general, I have found that over my long life the best people I found that became my friends had Aspie characteristics. They accept me for who I am. We just seem to click.

Also I found that I do not need a vast herd of friends. One or two good ones will suffice.

One of the qualities of having a friend is adventure and exploration. When there are two people together, they become braver, more willing to try new things, new adventures. It is a way for Aspies to break out of their shell. I found that living adventures is almost the meaning of life. Adventures are full of wonder.

I have also noticed that a lot of the true friends I've had throughout my life either have characteristics of Asperger's/autism, or are actually diagnosed with it. The online friend I currently get along with the most isn't autistic, but he does relate with me on a lot of things and we do just seem to fit together quite well.

I also agree with the thing about adventure. I think that's the thing I appreciate the most about having friends, that friends always encourage each other to try new things, and that trying new things with other people makes the experience more enjoyable and memorable. It's often fun to even just talk to my friends about the things we want to do when we eventually meet each other.


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I use he/him pronouns.

I like playing video games, watching cartoons and anime, reading, and cooking.

I also have a rabbit, and enjoy learning + cataloguing information about different types of animals and plants.