I feel worthless and stupid

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What I think I’m hearing is that others at WP, not just me, try to be or appear not as we are, but as what we think others want or expect or will like.
I think we just want to fit in or be accepted.
Doesn’t always work.
Perhaps we come across as trying too hard, or inauthentic.

i'm too old and tired to try anymore.

Yes. Thank you for sharing your experiences, Antrax.

Well, I know that naturally I come across as "ebullient" to others. My dad, when commenting on the depression I suffered about a decade ago, wrote in a letter to my psychiatrist that I was like that since I was a kid. When I'm with groups of friends, I'm generally the one who initiates get-togethers, who calls everyone up and invites them to do something. If I don't initiate, rarely does anyone else. But it seems the depression disrupted a lot of that. I also get the feeling my extroversion is probably what made my still comparatively mild condition so obvious as a kid, and made it to where I got diagnosed then rather than later.

I want to do great things, but I've always had a hard time doing boring and repetitive work, resulting in only graduating from college with a GPA of 2.98, just short of the 3.00 many jobs require. So I just end up feeling like I'm mediocre. But I don't want to just be a mediocre person, who attends groups to be just one of the mentally ill people who can't get over their problems. I want to be outstanding in something, and I want to make an impact on the world.

In addition, my lack of integrity in being honest to myself and others has I think impacted such opportunities, like the one with the Japanese consul-general. I could have probably gotten a good job in that situation. There are times in my 20s where I could have gotten really good jobs, but my issues around who I was ended up making me miss out on those opportunities.

So is my purpose in life to find a good way to do great things, or is it my purpose to learn to let go of that desire?

I went to sleep last night, and slept for only 3 hours. I had a dream that I was visiting my paternal grandmother and grandfather; even though my actual paternal grandfather is dead in real life. Anyway, I pulled up to them on the street in front of their house, and they were in a car parked on the street right in front of their house. They were bickering with each other. Then it looks like the cars became bicycles and I was in their kitchen. Then the fact that they're Episcopalian came to the forefront, and I noted the scholarliness of the Episcopalians. My parents and I were in their house, and we were waiting to go to church, and I saw the light of the morning sun coming in through the windows. Time seemed to stretch. I don't know what we were waiting for.

Then comes a particularly interesting and perplexing part. I was meeting with my grandfather in his study, and he was talking about all the degrees he had. He then asked me if I had managed to earn any degrees, and I said yes and told him my degree. Then he said, that I shouldn't have worked so hard for it, and that I should "tuck it away". (I had no idea what that meant.) Then I was traveling in my grandfather's house, which was apparently a mansion now, and I was trying to find my way back to my grandfather's study, but the house around me began to shift and train tracks began to appear.

I came across several parallel train tracks, and at first there were buildings and people there, and the train tracks ran between them, but as time went on they began to disappear and there were only the train tracks. During this time, I would often be standing on a train track and immediately a train would come. I could not find a quick way out of the way, but fortunately the train stopped. And the front of the train was huge, much wider and taller than I thought it would be. The trains were all but black silhouettes, and since it was night out, they were only a bit darker than the night sky filled with stars and comets in the background. The rate of trains coming would increase as they came and I was forced to dodge them, but what is interesting is that I only ever saw the front of the trains, I never saw the trains moving past me or away from me. I became more nervous and afraid as this continued, and then I woke up.

What did my grandfather in my dream mean by "tuck it away"?