Tw: I'm "Fine"

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I'm tired......tired of crying,tired of the lies,tired of mankind. I'm tired of waking up....I sleep during the day and venture into my thoughts at night. At the start of the night it is complete silence , it is beautiful. Then depression come in and says "Hey remember your a f*** up, and shouldn't be here. So why not do everyone a favor and....". I have been battling pretty well so far. Each day is a new battle to keep my head above water. I just... I..... I have been clean for over 2 years and am trying hard not to start over the count. But yesterday my brain said "f*** it". I had a brief manic episode. I know what comes up must come down , but I wasn't expecting to fall that hard. I don't remember much, but me pacing back n forth with tears in my eyes. I needed something to ease my emotional pain. TRIGGER WARNING ~~I found myself tracing my veins on my forearm with the back of a r@z0r~~ TRIGGER WARNING. I don't know why but the feeling of the metal on my skin calmed me down. I was so close to starting over. I'm scared :'(. I don't ever wanna come that close again.

Do you have a regular doctor or social worker or counselor?
There are 24 hour numbers for doctors.
Most large cities have at least 1 24-hour pharmacy.
There are help lines on the phone.
What is your living situation?
Are you in your parents’ home?
Why are you going through this alone?
We care about you; some of us have been where you are/have been.
Please, please stay in contact at least once daily.
We want you to be all right.

Stop that! You need to become more positive and to stop the negative thoughts which make you depressive! Treat them as your biggest enemy because they are likely to make your live a hell. Get out in the day light more. It helps you to fight your depression.

It becomes harder to get rid of your depression the more you train yourself of staying a depressive way! Try to develop more ideas of positive things that you wan't to do. Fighting negative thoughts is one of the most difficult tasks btw. But you aren't dumb and for this you are able to that.

_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!

I hope you feel better soon. <comfort>

quite an extreme is right.
Sleeping during the day is a bad move.
Not enough sunlight is known to encourage depression.

I don't know. I can go to college if I want to. I would like to work with animals, they are calming and much easier to understand.

Hm....I don't know what else. I am good at math and science. I like to look at how things tick, but I don't dare to take them apart. Not after I told my mom I could reassemble the vacuum in a heartbeat. It is still sitting in the corner of my room dismantled. But yeah.

Im doing better than yesterday. Im sorry. I couldn't stop myself. I was overwhelmed. Same thing. Pacing overwhelmed metal. I know that. I reached out had it looked it. That's staying with me forever. Yeah I'm gonna focus on the vacuum. A good distraction.

I am starting to have more panic attacks than usual. I rarely had 1 daily. I had 3 today none full blown. One came too close to being 1. I don't know if I ccan keep doing this. They are peaking faster and lasting longer. I can't keep going like this. I can't keep even go a day without having a flash back. I'm supposed to be the role model the strong one for my younger siblings. but I am weak and getting weaker everyday. I'm sorry