Thought I was going to get a date but life said no

Page 1 of 3 [ 34 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

11 Nov 2020, 1:10 am

I re-activated my OkCupid account after not using it for a few months now. Supposedly OkCupid is better than most other dating apps but I have tried it before and it was unproductive. However, Facebook Dating and Hiki have been frustrating experiences so I thought I would try OkCupid again hoping just maybe things would be different, especially since it still gets raves.

Surprisingly, a woman messaged me first when I logged back on and I replied back to her. Her profile said she was from a town that’s about an 18 minute drive from me and she even said she wanted to meet soon. I asked her what a good day for her would be and she replied Thursday. I told her I worked until 5:00 that day but if it was still ok and she said yes even though she also commented that she wouldn’t be able to do much since she claimed she wasn’t getting paid until Tuesday. I asked her where we could meet but after that, her profile got replaced with a Retry loop (that didn’t reload her profile no matter how many times I clicked it) and our conversation completely disappeared. Why did this happen? It makes no sense to me.

Dating sites and apps have only lead me to exasperation and burn out. I am not going to use them anymore after this. I feel discouraged all over again and my fear that things will never go my way have only been reinforced. How can anyone feel hope when they are constantly denied any sign that things will get better?



AuroraBorealisGazer
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,082
Location: Fluidic Space

11 Nov 2020, 1:17 am

That sucks. Maybe she got reported for scamming or other such bad deeds, and was removed? I think it may be a warning sign that she mentioned her lack of money would prevent her from doing stuff but she still agreed to it. I've heard some people use these sites to get free meals and stuff. Of course it could be innocent, but I worry about those things.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

11 Nov 2020, 1:37 am

Maybe but it’s still frustrating for me. Even with COVID going on, people are apparently still dating because they are fed up with social distancing and want human contact. Even though I really don’t think either sex is entitled to free s**t, I would’ve been willing to pay for her coffee or something since she mentioned liking coffee. I also thought my luck had finally turned around and I live in a place where men generally pay for things on the first date.

The only positive thing I can say out of this is that my fear about missing potential dates in my area through online services are unfounded. I am just locked out of the social scene because of Aspergers.



AuroraBorealisGazer
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 May 2015
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,082
Location: Fluidic Space

11 Nov 2020, 2:08 am

^ Yes that's understandable. I hope you have good luck finding someone soon :) .



Fireblossom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Jan 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,673

11 Nov 2020, 10:19 am

Wow, that sucks. But hey, at least you almost got a date! That's process, right? Frustrating since it didn't work out, but process is process, no? :)



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

12 Nov 2020, 1:56 pm

AuroraBorealisGazer wrote:
^ Yes that's understandable. I hope you have good luck finding someone soon :) .


Thank you. I do feel really sick and drained after this incident.

Fireblossom wrote:
Wow, that sucks. But hey, at least you almost got a date! That's process, right? Frustrating since it didn't work out, but process is process, no? :)


Maybe but it pales in comparison to others I’ve seen who are younger than me announce their engagements.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

12 Nov 2020, 2:38 pm

I think I may go back into my self-imposes exile. I am just really burned out from this year.



AnonymousAnonymous
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Nov 2006
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 57,480
Location: Portland, Oregon

12 Nov 2020, 5:35 pm

Marknis wrote:
I think I may go back into my self-imposes exile. I am just really burned out from this year.


If you do so Brother Marknis, we look forward to your return should you choose to return here to WP.

Brother AA


_________________
Silly NTs, I have Aspergers, and having Aspergers is gr-r-reat!


idntonkw
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Apr 2020
Age: 34
Posts: 338
Location: Boston

12 Nov 2020, 8:08 pm

Marknis wrote:
I re-activated my OkCupid account after not using it for a few months now. Supposedly OkCupid is better than most other dating apps but I have tried it before and it was unproductive. However, Facebook Dating and Hiki have been frustrating experiences so I thought I would try OkCupid again hoping just maybe things would be different, especially since it still gets raves.

Surprisingly, a woman messaged me first when I logged back on and I replied back to her. Her profile said she was from a town that’s about an 18 minute drive from me and she even said she wanted to meet soon. I asked her what a good day for her would be and she replied Thursday. I told her I worked until 5:00 that day but if it was still ok and she said yes even though she also commented that she wouldn’t be able to do much since she claimed she wasn’t getting paid until Tuesday. I asked her where we could meet but after that, her profile got replaced with a Retry loop (that didn’t reload her profile no matter how many times I clicked it) and our conversation completely disappeared. Why did this happen? It makes no sense to me.

Dating sites and apps have only lead me to exasperation and burn out. I am not going to use them anymore after this. I feel discouraged all over again and my fear that things will never go my way have only been reinforced. How can anyone feel hope when they are constantly denied any sign that things will get better?


Woman messaged me too on POF, after years without a date, and because I wouldn't tell her where I worked and because I wasn't into Disney movies like her even though I told her sometimes I did enjoy them, she stopped messaging me. She kept wanting to know where I work, however, I did not want to be specific due ASD being unwelcomed in my career.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

15 Nov 2020, 10:41 pm

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I think I may go back into my self-imposes exile. I am just really burned out from this year.


If you do so Brother Marknis, we look forward to your return should you choose to return here to WP.

Brother AA


I’ll stick around for a short time but after that, I think I’ll go back to how I was before I joined in 2016 or 2006 if you want to count my initial registration.



Last edited by Marknis on 15 Nov 2020, 11:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Clueless2017
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 28 Sep 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 528
Location: California

15 Nov 2020, 11:09 pm

Call me old-fashioned, because i am...I have never been on a dating site...And although i use social media, i limit it to family and close friends...People i know well already...I met my beloved (Aspie) husband at a Christian meeting...We are both spiritually inclined, and to date our faith in God is our special bond...

The reason that i mention this is to recommend that you consider places where you might meet someone who shares your interests--or not...Keep your eyes open when you go to the grocery store, the laundromat, and the like...The local park and the local coffee shop are ideal places to meet someone...Any place that remains open during this pandemic, except a bar...(I honestly do not think one could find marriage-material at a bar; i am sure there are exceptions :wink: )...Think about your hobbies and interests...Where would you find someone with interests similar to yours???...I think that is where you should look...Best wishes to you on your quest... :heart: :heart: :heart:



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

15 Nov 2020, 11:21 pm

Clueless2017 wrote:
Call me old-fashioned, because i am...I have never been on a dating site...And although i use social media, i limit it to family and close friends...People i know well already...I met my beloved (Aspie) husband at a Christian meeting...We are both spiritually inclined, and to date our faith in God is our special bond...

The reason that i mention this is to recommend that you consider places where you might meet someone who shares your interest--or not...Keep your eyes open when you go to the grocery store, the laundromat, and the like...The local park and the local coffee shop are ideal places to meet someone...Any place that remains open during this pandemic, except a bar...(I honestly do not think one could find marriage-material at a bar; i am sure there are exceptions :wink: )...Think about your hobbies and interests...Where would you find someone with interests similar to yours???...I think that is where you should look...Best wishes to you on your quest... :heart: :heart: :heart:


I honestly get conflicting advice when it comes to “keeping your eyes open”. Some say it will make you come off as desperate but others say you have to keep looking or you can only expect lonely nights. The parks I go to are either empty or the people there already have company (ranges from friends to families) with them and when I go to coffee shops, people are staring into their cellphones or laptops. It’s like I live in an alternate universe from everyone else around me.

I’ve tried interacting with women at bookstores and entertainment conventions but it never works out for me both platonically or romantically. It’s like any “quest” I go on, my means of travel or gear gets destroyed and I have to limp back home each time. I survive but I have nothing to show.



idntonkw
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

Joined: 29 Apr 2020
Age: 34
Posts: 338
Location: Boston

16 Nov 2020, 3:28 am

Marknis wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Call me old-fashioned, because i am...I have never been on a dating site...And although i use social media, i limit it to family and close friends...People i know well already...I met my beloved (Aspie) husband at a Christian meeting...We are both spiritually inclined, and to date our faith in God is our special bond...

The reason that i mention this is to recommend that you consider places where you might meet someone who shares your interest--or not...Keep your eyes open when you go to the grocery store, the laundromat, and the like...The local park and the local coffee shop are ideal places to meet someone...Any place that remains open during this pandemic, except a bar...(I honestly do not think one could find marriage-material at a bar; i am sure there are exceptions :wink: )...Think about your hobbies and interests...Where would you find someone with interests similar to yours???...I think that is where you should look...Best wishes to you on your quest... :heart: :heart: :heart:


I honestly get conflicting advice when it comes to “keeping your eyes open”. Some say it will make you come off as desperate but others say you have to keep looking or you can only expect lonely nights. The parks I go to are either empty or the people there already have company (ranges from friends to families) with them and when I go to coffee shops, people are staring into their cellphones or laptops. It’s like I live in an alternate universe from everyone else around me.

I’ve tried interacting with women at bookstores and entertainment conventions but it never works out for me both platonically or romantically. It’s like any “quest” I go on, my means of travel or gear gets destroyed and I have to limp back home each time. I survive but I have nothing to show.


I've been going to coffee shops for ten years, and I only got one date that went badly. I've seen men strike up a conversation with women at a coffeeshop, but women have their guard up and it looks strained. People are never sure if they are making the other uncomfortable. Same with stores and book stores. So while it's possible, and maybe for a normal and attractive man it may be if done with care, for one of us with AS it is very difficult not to look as a creep, or make the woman uncomfortable, since we aren't good at socializing in a normal situation in the first place.



Marknis
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 24 Jan 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,125
Location: The Vile Belt

16 Nov 2020, 3:28 am

I was always told things like “Good things come to those who wait.”, “God is writing your love story.”, “Your time will come.”, “Women get tired of the ‘bad boys’ and settle down with the ‘nice guys’.”, “It’ll happen when you least expect it.”, and “It’ll happen when you stop looking.” All of those sayings just fueled me with false hope and disappointment.



cyberdad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Age: 53
Gender: Male
Posts: 17,529

16 Nov 2020, 3:52 am

I got scammed in the era of dating agencies who line up dates via phone. They scammed me out of $1000 subscription fee in the early 1990s and the girls I met were likely on some type of retainer from the agency and got free dinners out of me.



Clueless2017
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 28 Sep 2020
Gender: Female
Posts: 528
Location: California

16 Nov 2020, 10:58 am

Maybe i can help clear the apparent contradiction...To all of you male Aspies above:

Please know that attraction works in mysterious ways...Too many factors involved--our natural scent, hormonal, energy or vibe, etc...A beautiful poem in Spanish compares falling in love to been hit by lightning...I am a romantic at heart, so i tend to agree...We don't choose who we fall in love with...Please allow me to share my experience...

Interestingly, most of the clichés above-mentioned apply to my love story...I did not marry young...I married appx two years ago in my late 40's...By age 25, while still in my prime, i stopped dating completely...I made a conscience decision to focus on my personal goals, like the pursuit of a higher education, my career, family and friends, spiritual goals, and the like...For one decade, i helped raised my beloved niece and my beloved nephew...I honestly did not believe the man for me existed...I often find myself thanking my beloved (Aspie) husband for existing...(Saying this in Spanish sounds really romantic)... :heart:

Anyway, back to the subject at hand...ATTRACTION works in mysterious ways...It is often believed that touch is the first contact...Wrong...It is ENERGY!! !...This explains why some people have a special 'aura'...They 'brighten' any room they walk into...Their families call them "Sunshine"...They inspire love songs...They 'radiate' positive energy, like a magnet, that others feel attracted to...This is my story...But i no longer shine as bright due to illness :cry:

When i recommend to you--male Aspies-- to keep your eyes open, i mean keep your eyes open for this special women...They are a rare species, but they are out there...She is highly intuitive...Not at all superficial...You will find one in every one or two hundred...She is probably an innate teacher; if not a nurse, surely a care-taker; maybe a therapist by vocation...Once you have detected her, stay in her 'radar'...Breath deeply and relax...Stay cool...And let her approach you...Her empathetic energy will feel attracted to your kind heart...(From what i have read, most Aspies have a kind heart)...Let her find you...

She will not think that you are creepy...She will not find you repulsive...To her, you are mysterious, like an enigma for her to solve...She will want to know you...Don't run away!! !...She is also at a quest...But she does not knows this...She is on a quest for a wounded soul to help heal...That wounded sould could be you... :wink:

By now you are probably wondering why she would choose YOU instead of other more 'attractive' suiters...(By the way, those more 'attractive' suiters have always wanted her; but she has never wanted them)...If you ask her, she will say that they don't need her...Because she needs to feel needed in order to feel happy...[Don't ever tell her that i told you this; but it is true]...With you by her side, her quest will end...With you she will feel important, according to her own altruistic definition of "important"...And know that as independent as you may be...As self-sufficient as you may be...You also need her...

And please don't be discouraged if she does not notices you immediately...She is usually very busy with some altruistic endeavor...Just keep putting yourself in her radar...Give her a reasonable period of time for her to find you...As to me...It took me about three months to finally notice my now beloved (Aspie) husband...And he was my Professor!! ! 8O

One day, after a Christian meeting, I was rushing to take some group pictures...And i almost bumped into him, literally...I did not know him yet...According to him, i left him there, wondering why i was taking pictures of everyone, except him...Clueless me :wink:

Another time, when he was already my Professor, i arrived late to class, and i could see his eyes lit-up...And i felt his huge, penetrating eyes over me...But i was in disbelief..."Surely, he is not starring at ME...???...Or is he???..."...[I looked towards the back, but there was nobody else!! !]...If i noticed it, then the entire class noticed it...OMG!! !...How embarrassing!! !...LOL... :D

On a different occasion, before one of our Christian meetings, i arrived late when many were sitting down...As usual, i worked my way, row by row, shaking hands with those who were already seated...Hoping to make them feel welcome...When i reached my Professor, he made a bold move...When i extended my hand to shake his, he stood-up and hugged me--though not too close...

At yet another time, after class, i approached him to inquire about a homework assignment, and before we each went our separate ways, he gave me a kiss on my cheek...OMG!! !...I never saw him treat any other female student--all adults--in such a way...Looking back, i realize how confident he acted around me...Being an introvert, it must have taken a great deal of effort from him...Love his effort!! ! :heart:

For the record, i should specify that i never treated him with the respect due to a Professor...I never even called him "Professor" as did the flirtatious females...Instead i always called him by his first name...And i treated him like my equal...Because we are!! !... :wink:

One blessed night, after a Christian meeting, we coincided at a hot dog stand...Mutual friends had invited us there...The great majority of this large group had already spread apart on the tables available...Everyone was already seated, chatting and having a great time, including me...When i spotted--from a distance--my Professor in the most remote of all tables, my heart bent towards him...I immediately howled at him in front of everyone, and invited him to come and sit with us...Not only did he respond to my invite, but he chose to sit right next to me, really, really, really close...And we became inseparable ever since...The rest is history...

My point being, do not give up...Statistics show that truck drivers have the highest mathematical probability of being involved in accidents...Why???...For the simple fact that they spend a lot of time on the road...Obviously, you don't want to be hit in a collision...But, if you want to be "hit by lightning", or fall in love, you must put yourself out there...And let ATTRACTION work its magic...

One last pointer, and the most important one: DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF PRAYER...On one lonely day, i prayed to God for a husband...And appx. 3 or 4 months after-- when i had long forgotten about my prayer--i met he who became my beloved husband...Please know that there is someone who listens to our prayers...He is real...And he truly cares for each and everyone of us...

Best wishes to you all on your quest to love and happiness... :heart: :heart: :heart: