pedantic-nature, self-hatred, and autism

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I haven’t an idea of where to even begin. I cannot stand the mere concept of my own existence and self. I hate myself-- I hate myself, and I’m getting to the point at which I can hardly handle it anymore. The pattern is always the same; I always make people feel as though I think that they are stupid, and other times that I just wish to insult them. My own significant other said that he feels that I hate him. This cycle never, ever fails. I was told that I am very pedantic and that this causes a lot of issues. I tried to take a step back to think about that, and the truth is that I am pedantic, but not to be intentionally troublesome-- I am that way because it’s the only way I can possibly make sense of things. Additionally, I don’t even realize when I am “being that way,” or when I am arguing because to me, it’s often times just me discussing a confusion. There are times, however, at which I’m sure I do become actually argumentative in a negative way because I do tend to get very, very tired of always being the one considered in the wrong, or the one who doesn’t understand properly, or the one who is causing a problem, to the point where I will immensely reject the possibility that it is all my fault for being who I am. I speak to people the way that I’d need them to speak to me, but I’m having to now come to terms with the fact that there are just a lot of things that don’t make a single bit of sense to me that I simply have to accept as truth, solely because it is the only way to operate in a world where “common sense” or “other uses for words” are the most frequently used and generally understood common ground. It is never my common ground because I understand things with their direct, literal meaning, and anything outside of that seems like it can entirely change the meaning. I say this because I cannot guess these things. I cannot assume these things. Because I cannot guess or assume these things, of course being “pedantic” is the only way I can think of things. But alas, everything about who I am as a person is simply fuel for others frustration, and so this is, again, one of those things about the world that I have to accept as truth and not try to understand it anymore because that is just the way many, many things in the world are. An abundance of things don’t actually make any logical sense, but if everybody believes that it does, then that just may as well be what it is, it seems. Is a delusion common to a majority of the population truly a delusion? It may be, but nobody is going to treat it that way, and that’s what matters because everybody understands each other-- everybody, except for me.

What you’re describing is like a clash of two separate worlds. Sometimes just finding that one person who truly gets you, and understands where you’re coming from, can make a massive difference. This can require patience that some people just don’t possess, be they NT or ND. Being pedantic, unless you learn to hold your tongue at times, there will be stressful times.

If your significant other saw this in you when you first got together, he knows this is part of your personality and will accept and make allowances, loving you regardless. Every person in existence has their negative and their positive traits. No-one is “perfect”, whatever that is ...

When you feel you can do or say no right and the world seems against you, step back for a bit. Whenever I’ve really struggled to make sense of things, and felt my most stressed or hurt, it’s genuinely helped to type out what actually took place, in order to properly come to a positive conclusion that allows me to move forward with dignity.

If you’re struggling to find understanding, common ground and respect from the people you care about the most, sometimes the written word is more powerful than the spoken. We tend to express ourselves better generally through writing, from what I’ve experienced.

There are always options in any situation, when we’re left questioning ourselves and our relationships with others. There are ways forward. Stepping back for awhile can help to clarify thoughts and emotions. Remember what matters ... you have the right to a happy, fulfilling existence, as much as anyone. It could be that you need the support and guidance of a therapist/counsellor, someone who fully understands autism. X

Last edited by Juliette on 26 Jan 2021, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Dear serenaserenaserena,
What you expressed regarding behavior and thought patterns could have been written by almost all of us at WP.
We all get frustrated by others (NTs) misunderstanding our communication difficulties.
We all look back at conversations and emails and regret what appears to be verbosity.
We all feel so very frustrated by the limitations which are the very symptoms of Autism/Aspergers.
We hear what you are saying, you have come to the right place to talk to someone; we’ve all been there.

hello serenaserenaserena
yes, your response sounds very stereotypical Asperger Syndrome / ASD

Which in a lot of ways is a good thing, as at least you have a reason for your disposition
I am afraid at this point in time there are no cures for the condition that we suffer from
so we all have to grapple with how it affects our experiences in life

I would say try and just be the way you are, without judging or hating yourself
after all you know why you are the way you are
you just have to not try and keep other people's standards
just be yourself and try and forgive yourself for not being "normal"

Reading up and experimenting in philosophical Tao-ism may be an idea worth pursuing
as Tao-ism is a lot about letting go of judging and allowing ourselves to exist in harmony with the universe / God

no man made standards to keep up with
no society to conform to

if you worry about your own behaviour
then remember everyone makes some mistakes
and if all your mistakes are, stem from having Asperger Syndrome
which makes you be a little sharp with some etc.

then doesn't sound like the worst problems in the world

there are a lot worse people on this planet
some that have done terrible things
and most of them don't hate themselves

try and learn to open yourself to Gods/the universe's forgiveness and love
try and forgive yourself and love yourself for the person you are

mindfulness meditation (such as focusing on the breathing)
can be really good way to let go of destructive thoughts

hope that helps


Smile!

This part is a very good point. Thank you.

Having Asperger’s doesn’t preclude one from being nice.

I don’t mind “pedantic with love.”

But don’t feel guilty; you’re just a human being. As long as you seek virtue and are never complacent in that quest, you’re okay.

There was a time in my life that I've felt the same way about myself. It does get easier as you get older. Nobody's perfect.

As said by others in this thread, many of us have been there. "Verbose, overly detailed, pedantic, condescending, and arrogant" was one person's critique of my communication. Which, honestly, that critique itself could be seen in exactly the same way! Definitely those last two, at least.
It does get easier as you get older. Not so much "easier to communicate" as "easier to just not give a s#it." It becomes easier to see that the person saying you're an arrogant a-hole is actually being a bigger one themselves. Easier to understand that this person's viewpoint is no more "correct" than yours. Easier to see that their ass-essment is condescending and arrogant itself. Easier to see that they aren't worth your time.

Self-hate... Been to that place too. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It's hard to cope with it when you can't seem to communicate with other people, but, again, age helps here. Not with communication itself, but with understanding that it's not your fault. Disliking someone because they communicate in a different way is like the "Speek Amurrikin!" crowd. Not everyone figures this out, but some do (and "more than none" was a huge improvement, for me at least.)

I guess what I'm trying to say in my verbose, overly detailed way is to hang in there. It gets better. You aren't alone, and it's not your fault that you communicate differently. Hang in there.

recognize you are in a unique position. as an outlier, you don't react to the ritual programming of the population, you don't have their subconscious instinctual predispositions. this enables you to see things from a perspective of detachment. see through the BS so t speak. ask unconventional questions. if it doesn't make sense logically, You're might be right in your reaction. majority belief does equate truth.



yes. any delusion (an internalized psycyo-belief system-value map that is disharmonious with reality-natural dynamics) common to a majority of the population (therefore giving it political sanction and power-clout) is still a delusion.

Dear Serenaserenaserena,
How are you doing?

I think most people on the spectrum feel like this occasionally. If you feel like it ALL the time, it would be worth looking up Pathalogical Demand Avoidance.

There is some good info here: PDA Society (UK)

Dear Serenaserenaserena,
How much does your significant other understand about your condition/diagnosis?
If you see a counselor or psychologist on a regular basis, is a joint session possible? This would be to get all 3 of you completely aware of what is actually something you were born with, therefore not a choice, and what can and what cannot change.
Perhaps he thinks that apparent aspects of your personality are up to you.
For instance, when I’m rambling on, someone will frequently say ‘get to the point! ‘.
I then try to.
Not always successfully.
That is the way we are.
He doesn’t sound like he fully understands that.